psychology-related – baby g’s diary

gwyn’s guide to hyperoptimised dating, #6 (heartbreaks and goodbyes)

11th Aug 202413th Sep 2024 gwynethtytLeave a comment

in this series: #1 (#1.5) | #2 | #3 (#3.5) | #4 | #5 (#5.5) | #6 | #7 (#7.5)

Good Night, Sleep Tight, Don’t Let the Loverboys Bite

Who’s Next on the Hitlist Tonight?

Here are some guidelines I used when deciding to sever a connection. These apply to both texting and in-person behaviour. All are inherently subjective, so make your own decisions.

Perceiving a lack of interest on their end
- Inconsistent or a lack of replies over a prolonged period without acceptable justification
  - For men I hadn’t met, I observed them over 3-5 working days before deciding. They don’t owe me anything, but I can sure decide when they didn’t like me enough.
  - For men I slept with, I gave them 24 hours before culling. The shorter time frame is because a man who likes you will demonstrate intensified interest immediately. Don’t make excuses for them like oh, but men are rational, so maybe he needs some time to think. Men do not sleep with women and become infatuated with them because they’re rational creatures; it’s precisely the lack thereof that drives them. Diminished interest means it’s over because they only wanted one thing, and you’ve given it to them.
  - One-word replies, dry texts, perceived difficulty in sustaining a convo despite attempts (it’s not worth it)
  - Not seeming interested in your day
  - If they’re only talking about themselves all the time like hello what about me
Predominantly sexual conversations to the detriment of other, far more interesting, topics
Actions that do not align with their words — especially broken promises
If they ask for anything that crosses your boundaries.
- Example: At least three men shared with me one behaviour in girls that they consider off-putting: expecting him to travel to her place to pick her up before travelling to the destination together and accompanying her home afterwards. Of course, it was expected that the poor man would pay for all expenses. I don’t agree with this either. But see the next example.
- Another thought-provoking example: beliefs about who should pay on the first date. I’m not ashamed to say that I fall into the camp that the man should pay — it’s an (admittedly gendered) way for me to suss out who values me. I acknowledge and respect that not all men agree, and this precisely works to my advantage: I had a hidden rule that if a man asked me to pay, he would be permanently DQed. No exceptions. Not that any of them asked me to go Dutch (or y’all would so know it), but the point is that specifying what you want improves search outcomes. Everyone has exclusionary criteria. Sorry if it hurts your feelings though.
- Final example for the sake of controversy: two men asked me for head via text. I played along with one and shut down the other. (FYI: neither got it.) The only difference was in how long we had known each other. It boils down to accurately assessing your partner’s boundaries at the moment and knowing how to best accommodate them (signs of EQ). This is an ongoing process as boundaries are continually negotiated as a relationship develops.

In summary: drop if they are anything less than you think you deserve (given that you know your own worth).

The Art of Saying Goodbye

In babygirl’s humble opinion, good and clean breaks have the following characteristics. They:

Are respectful of the other person. This means NO personal attacks. Even if you think they’re trash, write it in your diary (hehe) or sob to your friends, but don’t tell them.
Focus on your perception of the relationship, not the person
State simply that you have concluded the two (or more) of you are incompatible, and briefly state the reasons that led you to this conclusion
Imply that the decision is final and non-negotiable
[Optional: if you want to keep them in your life as friends, indicate so. But you MUST give them a choice to take up your offer or not].
Wishing them the best in their love quest and life

Based on the above, a sample template for saying goodbye:

hey, i don’t think we’re going to work out. we’re not aligned on some fundamental aspects (e.g. values, goals in life) / i just feel we don’t like each other enough — i’m sure you understand. but thank you for having given your time to me; i enjoyed our connection immensely.

[i really like what we have though and i still want to be friends with you. but that’s entirely up to you, and you can take as long as you need to decide.]

i really hope that you find the love you deserve, because you do deserve it.
source: the lovergirl in me. adapt to your style or whatever

All of my goodbyes with my dates went something like this and ended on a relatively positive note. There was no face-tearing, at least. In the game of love, we have no time for hard feelings.

A well-crafted goodbye will be accepted without question by a secure counterpart. It will also neutralise any player energy that the person might have had.

Please do not ghost them if you have at least bonded somewhat. That is pathetic behaviour and hurts everyone. Get them out of your mind pronto and help them do the same.

The Art of Receiving Goodbyes

You may be surprised (I’m joking), but I have been rejected too. What matters is not who has rejected who (instant gratification aside) but how you learn from the experience.

So how do we do so?

Ask for feedback if you are unsure why you were DQed. I brazenly asked “so why am I not a good fit for you?” after one of them told me I was not what he was looking for. He was surprised at my directness, but he was nice enough to share that I was too emotionally volatile for him. I did not agree, but I did not attempt to defend myself or lecture him otherwise. I accepted it, thanked him for his time, and wished him the best. I then did some intense self-reflection and refined my Hinge profile to filter out men like him. LOL
Manage your emotions. Absolutely critical. You must not enter another relationship until you have processed your thoughts and feelings with the previous one. Of course, I had a good cry sometimes when things didn’t work out with my handsome boys. And then I got over them and moved on in a few days. I think it helps to remember that none of it is personal. The both of you just happened to be incompatible; you were not what they were looking for, but that doesn’t say anything about your worth as a person. You remain valid and worthy of love.

I’m Only Gonna Break, Break Your, Break, Break Your Heart (Sorry)

Back to Basic (Instincts)

Girls have choices sexually. Men have choices romantically. It’s just stacked that way. Note the intimate connection with mate selection criteria — women are rewarded for their attractiveness, while men are rewarded for their status.

I realised I could sleep with any guy I wanted, even those out of my league marriage-wise. (OK la, small sample size, maybe the 9th man would have turned me down. We’ll never know!) Hell, I have so much power I could choose not to, and there is nothing they can do about it. Men have zero sexual bargaining power when it comes to facing off against an equally attractive woman, ceteris paribus.

Sidetrack: this is why it’s so funny to me when men slut-shame women on social media; they don’t realise it reveals more about them than the women they’re trying to bring down. Like, bro, chilé. We get it. You’re not getting laid, and you hate yourself, so you’re taking it out on women you cannot have. We know you would sleep with her if you could. But here’s the thing — you can’t. And now, because you outed yourself, everyone knows it. Get therapy instead.

But here’s the catch. I make it sound like sex is a woman’s advantage, but it really means nothing. Sexual attractiveness gets you into the bullfighting ring, but that’s all it does. The bull will kill you regardless if you don’t know what you’re doing. Even if you come prepared — you could still get shredded to pieces.

Men will not love you because you’re good in bed. In fact, the prevailing pattern I’ve observed is that men love women in spite of them not being good in bed. Legit let that SINK IN for a moment. Because men can compartmentalise love and sex, the former ironically supersedes the latter in their search for a wife. The same goes for women, although there are no surprises there.

the real enemy of humankind is the double standards we apply to ourselves, even as we impose our judgements on others without so much as batting an eye.

To all my readers: they might like you if you’re hot, but you’ll just be put in the “fuckable” compartment of their cupboard and left there. Listen and remember: if you were not pre-categorised into the “potential partner” section, you will never make it there. Put differently, the friendzone (or the fuckzone, I guess) is a finality, not a place to challenge others’ boundaries.

Do NOT regale me with tales of how Some Mediocre Man/Woman realised their errors after Some Devoted Woman/Man was consistent and always there for them (rolls eyes). Put yourself first. NO ONE IS WORTH MORE THAN YOU. We are not looking for someone who at the end of the day “settles” for you because they couldn’t find something better. Ew. You should’ve been their #1 from the start. If they are emotionally unavailable to reciprocate, that’s not your problem. You go out there and look for someone who deserves you.

Be deathly wary of people who say that they want you (back) because you’ve changed or grown as a person. First, do you only like my current version because I’m good enough for you now? So what was I before? If I change in the future into something you don’t like, are you going to drop me then? Second, if you have indeed grown, there is virtually no reason to return to your past, especially the people left there. They are there for a reason.

Inevitable exceptions to the rule: I have seen some couples who have made it out of the friendzone territory. But when I look at them, I’m not sure… I guess it’s an ego thing on my part. I could never accept being settled for. I’d think that shadow would hang over me and my view of the relationship for the rest of my life. Then again, it’s your life, your preferences, and your choice. And if you’ve reached a point where you’re secure in yourself and your partner’s love, what is there to complain about?

Back to the girls: I hate to say this — I genuinely, sincerely do — but you have to err on the side of caution. While not every man is like this, you must assume that they are only out for your body and will throw you away after they are done. If you are not ready for this possibility and discarding them in the same fashion when the time comes, do not sleep with them.

DO NOT EVER — EVER! — degrade yourself by attempting to use sex to keep a man around. If you can only remember one thing from this post this is it. I find the one “degrade” very distasteful because it’s often thrown around as a pejorative to demean women who are sexually liberated (AND SUCCESSFUL!). But when you disrespect yourself to keep someone around, you’ve completely lost the game.

All of the above also applies to emotions.

If someone does not love you fully given some time, I don’t think they ever will. I don’t believe that love grows in that sense; it can only be cultivated to persist. Unfortunately, matters of the heart are just like that. You can’t change someone’s heart no matter how many times you try — if they cannot give you their 100% despite their best efforts and yours, the two of you are doomed from the beginning.

There are no guarantees either: they could tell you they love you today and disappear tomorrow. The only thing we can do for ourselves if they waver is to leave.

You need to act like — you need to know — that you deserve the world to receive it in return. And if they can’t give it to you, the door is right there.

But you must also be ready to give your everything. You must be willing to give your time and effort to build a connection with another without expecting any return. You must be willing to hurt so much that you can only lie on the bed incapacitated, only to finally bring yourself to sit down on a chair and start sobbing like a baby.

There are limits to my guides. I can help you minimise the chances of meeting bad actors or insecure people, but that’s all I can do.

Neither you nor I can ultimately control your chances of meeting someone who will love you for who you are.

That being said, don’t forget to look around you. Your family, your friends — haven’t you seen the look in their eyes when you laugh? Even acquaintances and strangers, when you catch up after a long while, or when they stop to do you a little favour for nothing in return. Love actually is all~ around~

Time to~ Say Goodbye~

Ah, we’ve finally come to the chronological end of this series (but you never know!). What a wild ride it’s been! So much debauchery and so many epiphanies!

i unironically recommend rollercoaster by justin bieber

True to the # of this guide, I met six men from Hinge. Every one of them taught me something that I’d like to thank them for:

#1 (Gang Member) — for showing me new perspectives on love
#2 (Still Waters) — for showing me the limits of love
#3 (Sweetheart) — for showing me when love is and isn’t enough
#4 (Captain) — for showing me what love feels like
#5 (Just Guy #5, sorry) — for showing me what love isn’t
#6 (My Husband) — for showing me what it means to love and be loved completely.

Special mention for baby d and Grab Extraordinaire. It’s a pity — I mean it — but somehow I accept that it was meant to be this way. It is what it is. And Little Tiger — Nando’s soon!

I will remember the love I had for you, always, always.

in this series: #1 (#1.5) | #2 | #3 (#3.5) | #4 | #5 (#5.5) | #6 | #7 (#7.5)

gwyn’s mental health logs, #2: tips from a psycho

17th May 20249th Jun 2024 gwynethtytLeave a comment

in this series: #0.5 | #1 | #2

First written in Jul 2023, with minor edits and commentary in May 2024
(recovery is non-linear, but it will get better)

[May 2024: Enough about silly trivialities like men and love, boring! Let’s yap about ME! Specifically, my psycho ass side. Reviving the mental health logs for my fans!]

Since my first post, I’m delighted to report that things have been looking up for me! I am still waiting to be connected with a psychologist, though (something about waiting time and accessibility of mental health services in Singapore…)

In the meantime, here’s a list of things that have helped me get through a recent depressive episode. They read like notes from a textbook, but there’s nothing quite like a hands-on experience.

Coming to terms with it all. Simply accepting that I did (and maybe always will) have a problem liberated me to focus on addressing it rather than being trapped in the quandary of self-doubt. [May 2024: Still psycho! But so happy.]

Social support and companionship. Many friends reached out after they saw my earlier post. Two aspects stood out — a lack of judgement and an affirmation that they would stand by me. In the weeks since none of them has treated me differently. We went out, played, and gossiped about nonsense as usual. I will always be grateful for them.

My partner has also been enormously supportive (well, he has always been), listening to my issues and being a staunch voice of reason whenever my spirals strike. He’s also been willing to communicate his challenges in his role as a “mental health caregiver”, which has helped us better navigate our difficult periods together. It’s important to care for your caregivers too!

Taking a step back and reappraising. Throughout university, I’ve been compelled to prove myself by achieving “success”. My blog was literally named Gwyn’s Guides to Success (it is now Gwyn’s Playground to mirror my newfound commitment to enjoying life). [May 2024: it is now baby g’s diary. Character development!]

I wanted to get better grades, take up more leadership roles, engage in more extracurriculars, volunteer more, build more connections, write more papers, have my Prof like me more… the list went on. Talk about an unabashedly narrow (but not uncommon) definition of success. Put them together, and lo and behold, you have an amorphous ideal self unattainable by design. Goals became imperatives that incessantly berated me for not being enough regardless of what I did — like having the consciousness of a toxic tiger parent implanted in your brain.
I hit a turning point when my supervisor pointed out that my mental health was taking a toll on my work and that she was genuinely concerned. It was one hell of a “oh, wow, cool” moment (she broke character for me!) I was in such bad shape I could barely function at work, much less recognise that I was floundering. In the following days, I gave more thought to what I wanted (something I hadn’t done in a long time because I was fixated on getting through the motions). Sure, getting a Master’s degree is ~cool~, but I don’t need to destroy myself over it.
The same goes for other projects. At the end of the day, a commitment is something you willingly give your time to… so you don’t need to put in any more effort than you can or want to. To paraphrase a quote from another mental health advocate: you can’t water the grass when your well is dry.
Shoutout to the book Four Thousand Weeks: Time Management for Mortals on this topic. [May 2024: Sweetheart? Please mail it back to me.] The big idea: life is short, you can’t do everything, so embrace finitude and enjoy the moment, darling. As long as you’ve lived a life you thought was worthwhile, what does it matter what others think? In the grand scheme of things, it really doesn’t. Life goes on with or without you. If a good life to me consists of reading manga and writing a personal blog in my spare time that nobody reads(!), then so be it.

Focusing on the things I love, for me. I’ve gotten back into the habit of reading, and you won’t believe this — writing! Similarly, I’m doing things for myself, because I want to, not only because it brings me to some societally-approved end. Some nights, I play Civilization VI over Discord with my friends and then chomp on garlic cheese prata with my family into the wee hours, ignoring the thought that I have a lot of work to do the next day. LOL. Of course, I’ve had to strike a balance because work never ends, but these little moments have made all the difference.

So get yourself some self-care. Take the time to recharge, and then move onto great things when you’re ready — if you want to, because you don’t have to!

Taking breaks. There’s only so much work you can do in a day. When you pare it down based on energy levels, you’ll realise that most work is not urgent or even important. When I’m stressed, I ask myself: what is the worst that could happen if I mess up this tiny ass task? Or miss a deadline because I’m overwhelmed? So what? It really isn’t worth all that stress. Go take a nap.

Breaking down things. Based on behavioural activation in CBT. Can’t beat your brain? Hack it.

Just be 1% better than yesterday.
Committing to the basics, whether you like it or not. Routines, baby!
I asked a friend over mahjong recently — what is your life purpose? It’s been a long-running preoccupation of mine stemming from the idea that I need to identify some sort of bigger calling to motivate myself to get up every day. He sagely retorted that it’s “not a good question and only stresses you out”.
Instead, focus on one small thing at a time to keep you looking forward to tomorrow. So that’s what I’m doing. It’s the small things… but they add up to make a good life.
- I am eagerly anticipating the premiere of Dune Part 2 this November (okay, it’s been postponed to March 2024) [May 2024: it was better than I could ever imagine.]
- And for Volume 3 of my favourite manga to be released in English [May 2024: I flirted my way into getting a Japanese copy because I couldn’t wait. I’d do it again! <3]
- I am looking forward to the holiday trips I’ll have this year.
- I am excited to master Japanese and get my JLPT N1 certification! Maybe in 5 years, LOL.

[May 2024: Well, so much has happened since. I’m sure 2023 Gwyn would have been proud of 2024 baby g. I definitely am! Hehe. I love you.]

gwyn’s lay theory of relationships, #3

3rd May 202420th Aug 2024 gwynethtytLeave a comment

in this series: #1 | #2 | #3 | #3.5

Humans commit to one another based on considerations of potential. They assess a prospect’s suitability and commit if they decide the arrangement is satisfactory.

Assortative mating comes into play here.

You date people you think are “in your league”, or if you’re lucky, you think are out of your league. Despite this, objectively speaking, if they like you back in the long run, they’re in your league (because they feel the same way about you — they think you’re good enough for them). So don’t be insecure about yourself, okay, babygirl? And watch out for lovers who regularly put you down — it’s not you, it’s them.
Ever heard of the ELO score on Tinder? That’s what’s operating here, except that Tinder is the World Wide Web (Offline).
Your ELO score comprises different dimensions: physical attractiveness/sex appeal, intelligence, wealth, health, humour, “personality”, etc. People differ in their preferences on those dimensions, although universal trends exist. Example:

but note many people don’t know what they really want, or lie to themselves. You and me included.

Naturally, idiosyncratic preferences exist. For example, I like simps. (Wait — who doesn’t?) Random disclosure from me because I love to overshare, and I want to remind everyone to know your worth: I permanently disqualified someone recently because he acted like he had no time for me. Huge landmine he stepped on. Well, so be it. You can play games with me… if you’re ready to lose. (Like, I said I would be okay if my partner had little time for me, but you can read my blog but not text me? Then you can stay a blog reader, thank yew.)
- The preferences are gendered. Universal example: men prioritise physically attractive women; women prioritise high-status men. So, you are more likely to see a rich older man with a hot younger lady than the opposite.
- The preferences are culturally influenced. Anecdotal example: sexual prowess does not rank highly for a lot of people in Singapore versus some other Western nation where hookup culture is more prevalent (I don’t even need to be specific; that’s how little sex we have. I must go.)
A relationship between two people who differ significantly on one dimension can still work out if that dimension is less important to the party who is higher on it. Hence, the “ugly funny guy gets the boring pretty girl” because looks > humour for him, humour > looks for her. You get the idea. On average, their ELO scores even out.
- Lay theory prediction: the longer a relationship lasts, the more objectively similar the couple’s ELO scores are. A relationship with partners with discrepant scores is less likely to last, and the one with the higher score (delusional or not) tends to withdraw first. But even the delusional one will eventually be knocked back to reality through trial and error feedback — the only constant in life is the law of large numbers.
- The best way to get an idea of your ELO score is to look at your long-term partner (or the kind of people you attract). If it still doesn’t add up… one of you has a self-esteem issue.

People commit based on potential. They stay committed for different reasons.

The investment model of relationships (Rusbult, 1980) predicts that commitment is determined by three factors. The more satisfied you are with the relationship and the more invested in it, the more likely you are to stay committed. The better you perceive your potential alternatives (other people in “your league”), the less likely you are to stay committed.

Some relevant concepts:

Sunk cost fallacy. An economist’s favourite. You’re unhappy in a relationship — but because you’ve invested so much into it, you might as well stay. Consider prospective and opportunity costs instead, which is what you lose by staying. Then again, I still can’t let go of my Sea Ltd stocks. So don’t let me tell you what to do.
People who claim they’re “dating down” are lying (and to themselves, too, if they lack self-awareness). You’re staying because you think you couldn’t get a superior alternative if you tried. If you genuinely believed you were dating down, your staying is irrational, meaning there is more to unpack there. Note that these evaluations are inherently subjective — just because you think you’re dating up or down doesn’t mean others will agree.
- The lesson here (for me) is that if you want to assess your compatibility with your partner, don’t ask yourself. Ask your friends. Ask your parents. They might be biased, but they’re less biased than you.
The higher your ELO score, the better your quality of alternatives. That’s why hot guys can afford to play around. I’m just waiting for it to be acceptable for hot girls (joking — I don’t care).

Personal exposition (love and naïveté)

Men in Singapore are looking for stability. At least, an overwhelming number of men I’ve met are like this (same for women, where there is even less variation). My observation is definitely age-contingent, though. Guys are looking for girlfriends at 20 but wives at 30.

I was baffled for years about the preoccupation with stability, but I might be starting to see the light. Love’s great in itself, of course, but it is not enough in the great Pragmatic Nation of Singapore. People want love to lead to concrete outcomes, such as marriage, a BTO, and, most importantly, in the grand scheme of things (driven by a force beyond our control), children: the continuation of our species.

And why not, indeed?

Objectively speaking, the above are not inevitable outcomes of love. A counterpoint, however: maybe love — romantic love in particular — evolved to perfection precisely as an instrument to ensure these outcomes happen, over and over again, across humanity, and beyond time. That is, love was designed to lead to stability. Rather than being choices, as I hypothesised in post #1, they are merely two points on the same line headed in one direction. You either realise that love is to settle or stay naïve.

So, love is not enough.

Maybe I am naïve. I don’t really care. I’ll panic when I’m 30, I guess. Even if singlehood and living in a henhouse with my girls is my destiny, it’s not as if I’ll be loved any less. Put that on the record: it is what it is. Do what’s good for you.

Stay loved, and don’t fret, my darlings.

5 tips to succeed in university

11th Aug 202215th Jun 2023 gwynethtytLeave a comment

Note: I specify university, but the content applies to any student actually (e.g. poly, JC, IB, even sec school).

Welcome to university! What awaits you ahead is a life-defining period of exploration. Play your cards right, and uni can be fulfilling and a powerful launchpad to where you want to go.

So let’s dive into the tips from university seniors to set you off right. They’re based on the lived experiences of my friends and me, who have survived (and hopefully thrived) in uni. This post covers broad principles that will move you forward as long as you consistently work at them.

1. PLAN AHEAD, AGGRESSIVELY

I blitzed through my first two years of uni with only a rough idea of what was happening. I thought it would be fun to “take things as they come”. The spontaneity was thrilling… the mental meltdowns every semester were not.

But once I got into the habit of planning ahead, it was as if I’d never lived before. Finally, I no longer felt like a clown on a unicycle with seven plates of responsibilities balanced on a stick.

But I digress. Using a planner served two functions:

It focused my energies on specific goals to guide me where I wanted to go
It helped me to schedule critical tasks and make them a habit

Why does planning ahead make you more effective? Because you’re eliminating the troublesome need to make decisions throughout the day. You don’t have to think about what to do or where to go; you just have to follow the plan you made earlier.

With the conserved mental energy, you’re free to devote yourself to higher-order, effortful tasks, like studying or working on your passion projects. And this logic can be generalised to a longer timeframe – weeks, months, and even years.

or you could just spend that extra time sleeping like me.

In fact, I recommend drawing up a grand plan for the entire duration of your study. And I have a guide just for this purpose:

Start by deciding what you wish to achieve and when you want to do those things. For example, in planning your academics, begin by reviewing your course’s recommended study plan to figure out what’s expected.
Then draw up a timeline that includes these elements of what and when so you have a big picture view of your plans. This is not as daunting as it sounds – simply start with a few rough boxes and fit details in there, and you’ll find that the rest naturally comes along. You can use any medium that works for you, such as Word/Excel, or the classic pen-and-paper.

Of course, as events roll around, contingencies will force you to readjust. But you should have an “ideal plan” to follow in good weather conditions. The plan specifies what is fundamentally important to you, so you don’t get distracted by the nonessentials.

The planner that I use and swear by is called the Self Journal. Each is designed to be used for exactly 13 weeks. At the start, you specify 3 goals for yourself, and the journal helps you create milestones and daily actions to achieve those goals. Daily and weekly planning pages are included, so you can plan down to 30-minute blocks. Finally, every section allows you to reflect on what you’ve achieved and what to do to improve.

(If you’re wondering why 3 months in particular: it’s because it’s long enough for you to achieve something sizeable but short enough to motivate you to work towards your goals.)

I was so committed to this series I ordered a year’s worth directly from the publisher and had the journals delivered internationally via a third-party courier when Amazon didn’t carry it. But the good news is that it’s back on Amazon (Singapore) now.

2. DEVELOP A GROWTH MINDSET

Now that you’ve set the stage with a solid plan, it’s time to reframe your mindset in a way that best helps you to grow. And that begins by changing the way you think about effort and achievement.

Before I elaborate, let’s find out how you think presently. Take a few seconds to answer the following questions with this scale (1 = strongly disagree, 2 = disagree, 3 = agree, 4 = strongly agree). (Source)

Your intelligence is something very basic about you that you can’t change very much.
Truly smart people do not need to try hard.
Only a few people will be truly good at sports, you have to be born with the ability.
The harder you work at something, the better you will be.

The last statement is reverse-coded, so subtract your answer from 4, e.g. if you answered “agree” (3) to it, your score is 4-3=1. Then, add that number to your scores from the first three questions.

Developmental psychologist Dr Carol Dweck identified two broad perspectives that people have towards achievement in her groundbreaking research:

The fixed mindset (total score 1-6): the belief that intelligence and ability are generally fixed and not modifiable through effort and practice. Your performance reflects your innate abilities.
The growth mindset (total score 7-12): the belief that intelligence and ability can be changed through effort and practice. Your performance is dependent on how much effort you invested.

Research has repeatedly shown that effort, rather than innate ability, makes the difference in performance. In addition, people with growth mindsets work harder in the face of challenges and persist longer than their fixed-thinking counterparts. Tl;dr: adopting the growth mindset will get you further. Instead of focusing on outcomes, focus on the process and how far you’ve come.

If you find yourself trying but not improving in an area, the reason has more to do with an inefficient strategy than an innate lack of ability. Before concluding that you’re just “not made for this”, try a different approach. For example, if cramming doesn’t work for you, revise your work over regular time intervals instead.

With effort and a good strategy, success will inevitably reach you!

3. DO IT NOW

Related to how you think is how you do. Get over the idea that you need to be good at something before you begin doing it. Doing anything, even imperfectly, is better than doing nothing.

The best way to improve is not through preparation but through practice. Like me, you can read all the self-help books in the world and plan for all it’s worth, but if you don’t do, you won’t improve. (That being said, check out my Atomic Habits Action Guide, where I summarise key points and added my own exercises to prompt action.)

To be honest, I still struggle with the above. I sat on this blog post for a year because I kept putting it off, waiting for the perfect ideas to strike. But there are no perfect ideas; it was more important that I got to writing. After all, the only person who will critique your ideas against your potential ideas is yourself. Who else would know?

So don’t wait – if you have an idea or a wish that you’ve had for a long time, start it now. Every day that passes is a missed opportunity to gain experience or the compounding effect that comes with time.

me psyching myself up with this before every major blog post ngl

And keep at it because it takes time before you see the results; you have to be patient. For example, I recently started my mini-business selling candy. In trying to grow my page, I realised that engagement is crucial, but I need to put in the work by posting more. It can be discouraging when I get low views, but I trust that it will pay off if I keep at it. (If this post helped you, please consider getting some candy for yourself or your friends! I guarantee you’ll love them.)

Everyone has ideas. What differentiates successful people is that when they have ideas, they take action to make those ideas a reality. You can be one of them as long as you start.

Start a project? Learn a new skill? Join a club? Do it today!

4. NETWORK, NETWORK, NETWORK 🎶

Everyone knows this but far fewer get to exploit it to their advantage. I’ll be honest, I don’t think it’s something you can ever master. But like everything else, it is a skill that can be developed with practice. The biggest challenge is when you start out – conquering your mental blocks in initiating relationships or following up with contacts to create new opportunities.

When I feel self-conscious about making the first move, I repeat the mantra: everyone is too preoccupied with themselves to judge you. Besides, what do others’ opinions matter if you are growing and not hurting anyone?

Yes, you could come off as instrumental if you only approach others when you want something from them. Ideally, you should bring something to the table that benefits the other party. Not every exchange has to be transactional. Developing active listening skills and being genuinely interested in others’ lives will do wonders. When others feel heard and appreciated, a world of possibilities opens.

my friend community (i am the second from the left)

Finding your community – others with similar goals and dreams to you – is what changes the game. When you reflect on your university experience later, you’ll realise the people made the difference. All your memories will be defined and coloured by who you created them with.

So how do you find your community? An easy way to do this is to join clubs and groups that spark your interest. The more events you attend, the more you’ll get acquainted with others, and eventually, you’ll make a few friends that you can count on. Or you could simply initiate a conversation with your tablemate in class.

Thanks for reading! I’ll be posting more content soon, e.g. how to study effectively, read/write research papers, and more. So if you enjoyed reading this, be sure to subscribe at the bottom of this post!

Please also comment below if you have anything to share or ideas for new blog posts.

For other essential posts on this blog, click here. Top posts include:

How to Win the NTU Star Wars
Gwyn’s Guide to NTU Psych Mods
My URECA experience and review

Atomic Habits by James Clear: Summary and Action Guide (2/2)

22nd Jul 202221st Jul 2022 gwynethtytLeave a comment

All links open in new tabs. As an Amazon Associate I earn from affiliate links in this post.

I recently read Atomic Habits and wrote a summarised version of each chapter for my own reference. But I went beyond to include my own tables and exercises based on James’s suggestions. And thus the Summary/Action Guide to Atomic Habits was born. I’m sharing it here in the hopes that others will find it useful.

This is part 2/2 of the book summary. Read part 1 here if you haven’t already!

Mandatory recommendation to support James Clear by buying his book. While I think my guide is fantastic, it can never beat learning from the author himself.

THE 3RD LAW: MAKE IT EASY

CHAPTER 11: WALK SLOWLY, BUT NEVER BACKWARD

Motion vs action

Motion: planning and strategising and learning “how to”, but without doing.
Action: actually doing.
Examples
- Motion: outlining ideas for 10 blog posts (haha!)
- Action: actually sitting down to write a post
It’s easy to fall into the trap where you’re in motion convincing yourself you’re making progress. But motion in itself does not produce any outcome. Only actual action will get the results we’re looking to achieve.
Takeaway: Start practicing your habits immediately instead of spending all the time planning and delaying!

Habits form based on frequency of repetition, not time

Repetition leads to change at the neuronal level.
After enough repetitions, habits move from effortful practise to become automatic
- Automaticity occurs when we no longer need to think about the steps involved
The key to developing a habit is that you take the actions you need to make progress and do it frequently.
We can practice our habits by making them easy (next chapter).

Exercise 11.1: Taking action

Write down one habit action you’ve been meaning to do
List 1 “motion” and “action” aspect.
How can you take action today to start the activity?

Select page 2 below to continue.

Pages: 1 2

on sleeping (with) disorders

6th Jul 20226th Jul 2022 gwynethtyt2 Comments

I was recently diagnosed with a sleep disorder – and I couldn’t be happier about it.

But before I share why, let me tell my story.

I have a circadian rhythm disorder, which means my body clock is out of sync with my environment. Specifically, I have delayed sleep phase disorder (DSPD), where my body clock is misaligned with conventional sleep-wake hours. I also have idiopathic hypersomnia – a fancy way of saying I sleep a lot more than the average person, but it’s not clear why.

*me, forced to sleep, thinking of society’s expectations*

Neither diagnosis was surprising to me.

Since adolescence, I’ve struggled with sleeping and waking. I had an inkling something was wrong after I was nearly debarred from one 9am class in polytechnic for oversleeping every lecture. I attempted to seek treatment in 2017 but gave up after finding no leads and later becoming preoccupied with university.

Uni offered a flexibility that kept my condition dormant (there’s a reason I’m in academia). But recent events have reminded me that the flexibility I’ve enjoyed will not last forever. Besides, my haphazard way of life could do with some improvement. That resolution brought me to the doctor’s office, a sleep study, and where we are now.

So what’s the deal, really?

Pages: 1 2

Atomic Habits by James Clear: Summary and Action Guide (1/2)

27th May 202211th Aug 2022 gwynethtyt1 Comment

Part 2 uploaded here.

I’m probably late to the game but I recently read Atomic Habits and found it a game-changer for my own life! Due to the sheer volume of tips and content covered, I found myself writing a summarised version of each chapter after reading. But I went beyond to include my own tables and exercises based on James’s suggestions. And thus the Action Guide to Atomic Habits was born.

I’d like to share it here in the hopes that others will find it useful!

Mandatory recommendation to support James Clear by buying his book. While I think my modified guide is fantastic, it can never beat learning from the author himself.

Before we begin, my review of Atomic Habits: 5/5 stars. This book marked a paradigm shift for me. It is also well-integrated with psychological principles, so bonus points! I also love that there are many action pointers interspersed throughout the book, though I would have appreciated it even more if he straight up had “exercises”. But it’s alright because I’ve created them – problem solved.

*This post is the first of two. It covers the first 10 chapters in the book (of 17), because writing a summary takes time. Also, because the content covered can be dense, don’t expect to be able to finish the summary/exercises in one sitting. Yes – you know what that means! Bookmark this page, subscribe to me for updates, and send love if you enjoyed it!

USING THIS GUIDE

For starters, I recommend selecting one habit – and only one – that you hope to build and focusing on it via the exercises in this guide. The habit I’ve been working on is reading academic journal articles every day. Well then, without further ado…

Pages: 1 2

All about NTU Psychology

20th Feb 202215th Jun 2023 gwynethtyt2 Comments

Updated 20/7/22

Hello everyone and welcome to the world of Psychology! This post is written for poly/JC students considering a future with NTU Psychology. The sheer amount of online information can be daunting, so I have kept it to the essentials. I hope that it will be useful to you in making an informed decision.

All links open in new tabs.

Contents

[1] Curriculum: Overview, course structure, modules, lesson format
[2] Academic supplements: internships, research opportunities
[3] Work/future prospects: pay, career pathways
[4] Admission information: IGP for JC/poly
[5] Why NTU psychology: comparing NUS and NTU + some considerations
[6] Scholarships available

For a future post: how to maximise chances of admission + student life

A bit about me for context

I graduated from the NTU Psychology programme in 2021 with Honours, Highest Distinction. I’m pursuing a Master’s degree in NTU now, researching social psychology. In addition, I’m the incumbent President of the Singapore Psychological Society (Youth Wing), which you should follow for more psychology opportunities! Oh and I also studied psych in poly.

In short, I literally have no identity besides “I do psych UwU”, but in exchange, I think about it ALL the time and that means I can deliver quality information to you, my dear reader.

How better than to start with some common misconceptions? Let’s see:

Common misconceptions

Psychology students can read minds or are more well-tuned to others’ emotions. Unfortunately, neither are true – though the second is a skill that can be developed with training based on psychological principles.
All psychologists deal with mental health. Not at all – clinical psychology is a popular discipline, yes, but it’s only one out of like, fifty (50) fields available. I’m serious.
- Related misconception: psychology is a back-up plan for becoming a medical doctor (psychiatry). Let me put it out there now that there is virtually zero chance one can become a medical doctor with a psychology degree. The ONLY exception (available to the 1%) is if you go to graduate medical school.
- You can become another type of doctor though (PsyD, PhD).
Psychology is easy because it’s commonsense knowledge. Yes, everyone has a natural tendency to try to understand other people, but here’s two things for your consideration: 1) you’re often wrong and 2) you don’t know that you’re often wrong. Psychology is also not easy because: STATISTICS IS COMPULSORY!!!
A degree in psychology means you are a psychologist upon graduation. Nope, you’ll need to pursue further studies – usually a Master’s degree.

These are not to scare you, merely to illustrate the realities of what it’s like to study psychology in Singapore. If you are willing to accept the above, it marks a great start for your journey ahead!

Essential information

The full name of the NTU Psych degree as of 2022 is a BSocSci(Hons) in Psychology – short for Bachelor of Social Sciences. It used to be the Bachelor of Arts, and I believe the nomenclature change marks a transition to recognising it as more of a “science”. Some folks make a distinction between BA, BSc, and BSocSci, but imo it doesn’t matter.

What’s important is this – all students that enroll in NTU Psych are guaranteed an Honours degree. That means all students do a 4-year programme, since a conventional undergrad degree is typically 3 years. In comparison, an Honours is optional for NUS FASS.

To fulfill the honours requirements in Year 4, you will write a 10,000-word research paper (aka the fearsome Final Year Project) or take 2 additional higher-level modules in its place.

[1] Curriculum – click here for the full curriculum document.

Students take three types of modules in NTU:

Specific stuff related to your degree (Major Requirements)
General knowledge you need for the world (Interdisciplinary Collaborative Cores)
The “have fun and S/U it” (Broadening and Deepening Electives)

For simplicity’s sake, we’ll only look at the first. Suffice it to say that the interdisciplinary cores will provide a good foundation. You will learn both skills (e.g. writing, critical thinking) and an appreciation of big trends in the world today (e.g. sustainability, big data). As for the broadening and deepening electives (every time I see this phrase I wanna laugh lol), use them as an opportunity to explore without fear of jeopardising your GPA.

The modules that you take for psychology are split into two main types – the major-cores and major-electives. You will be clearing the 9 major-cores in the first two years, which are compulsory modules that the entire cohort has to take. These serve the function of exposing you to the diverse fields within psychology – e.g. social, biological, cognitive psychology – which can be poles apart in the methods and theories that they use. They’re all introductory-level modules, so don’t worry if you don’t have a H2 from JC.

You will also be introduced to statistics from your very first semester. Even though students are only required to take two statistics modules (there are more, but they’re optional), you’ll realise that the subject matter bleeds into everything else. For example, to evaluate a journal article, you need to know what the numbers mean. Some students erroneously believe “oh since my future career goal is to become a therapist [for example], it’s not that important”. But without the numbers, we’re not a science at all. Either way, no matter how much mental gymnastics or procrastination you put yourself through, it will find its way back to you. So, you might as well tackle it head-on and set aside a lot of time to practice.

Most of the major-cores are lecture and exam-based. Lectures are usually 3 hours in a large lecture theatre or possibly online with COVID. Alternatively, it will be 2-hour lectures and 1-hour tutorials with more room for discussion. There is a heavy focus on content absorption and regurgitation. You will be expected to read a lot, from textbooks to journal articles. Some assignments will require you to write essays, where you will have to synthesise and evaluate the literature. There may also be presentations and posters to deliver. Nonetheless, the weightage of your grade is primarily determined by exams. Most of the exams are a combination of MCQs and short-answer questions.

Moving on to the major-electives. NTU Psychology offers over 50 (!) electives, though not all are available every semester. You won’t be taking all of them, of course. That’s why they’re called electives – because you get to choose. You won’t be taking them until earliest Y2S2, though it never hurts to plan ahead.

Here are some examples of electives I’ve taken:

HP3002 Positive Psychology
HP3402 Social Cognition (fun fact: I’m the tutorial assistant for this now)
HP3708 Biopsychosocial Criminology
HP4104 Evidence-based Practice in Clinical Psychology

You might note a few things from the above. First, the topics are rather niche. You can think of them as “offshoots” of the core modules. They are also more integrative, e.g. social cognition blends social and cognitive psychology. Second, there are level 3000 and 4000 modules. Level 4000 modules are the most specialised, with a focus on the state of the art and application. Classes are smaller, with less lecturing and more student discussion. At this level, we move away from exams towards applying the knowledge to create new ideas and products. These are the modules that will stretch you the most. The instructors of those modules range from experts to superstars, who often have fanbases (LOL).

Single majors can expect to have a workload of about 15-18 AUs per semester, which is about 5-6 modules including the miscellaneous ones. This means you will be taking about 3-4 psych modules every semester. Double majors do a bit more, and 2^nd majors are stressed a bit more because they have fewer modules they can S/U. Each module may further split into a number of quizzes, ranging anywhere from 2 to 5 (bless these students). The lesson is clear: consistent work is the only way to survive and thrive.

A brief note regarding the Final Year Project (FYP) that students will take in Year 4. I quote from the website:

The objective of the Graduation Project/FYP is to expose students to the elements that are inherent in independent research work in psychology. With the guidance of an advisor, the student will learn to identify a research issue in an area of psychology, conduct empirical, meta-analytical (use of secondary data), or library research, and write up a research report of about 9,000 to 10,000 words.

“Empirical” just means “run your own study”, meta-analytical just means “take a bunch of existing studies and run analyses on them”, and library research means “literature review”. All worthwhile and fun. FYP is compulsory for GPAs >=3.9/5, optional for 3.75-3.89, and disallowed for those below 3.75. The third group will take two 4000-level modules in its place. You’ll graduate with an Honours regardless of whether you do your FYP, though it’s required for the award of Distinction and above.

You don’t have to worry about the FYP because it’s so far away. But if you need to ease your kiasuism, what you can do is to take your first semesters to find out more about the professors. Learn about their personalities, their work, their interests, and decide if you’re aligned with those aspects. If you have an idea of who/what you like early on, you can also volunteer as a research assistant at their labs to get a headstart. More on that below.

At some point, every student probably goes through the phase of “this was not what I was expecting”. If you want a clearer idea of what to expect, check out my guide to NTU Psych modules, where I cover the content, assessments, and personal tips for all modules I took.

[2] Academic Supplements

Research opportunities are useful if you are gearing for a career that is research-oriented. Internships offer an avenue to demonstrate your aptitude and interest in a field of work.

Research Opportunities

Research Assistantships (RAs): a university has two functions – to educate and to churn out research. Professors are conducting new research studies all the time, and many have “labs” – workgroups of students running projects spearheaded by the professor (known as the Principal Investigator). Students can volunteer (i.e. unpaid labour) to join labs to assist with these projects and learn about the research process. Early on, you’ll be assigned more menial tasks like coding responses, running studies and data cleaning, but as you gain more experience, you’ll ideally be empowered to contribute more. You might even land a co-author spot eventually!

The demand for manpower is ever-present, but so is the supply. Thus, you’ll have to be proactive in seeking out your professors and be able to articulate clearly why you have chosen their lab over others. The good news is you don’t have to limit yourself to the professors that have taught you – you could even go beyond the department if you wanted.

URECA: An acronym for “Undergraduate Research Experience on CAmpus”, this is an optional programme that allows students to conduct their own research project with a supervisor of their choice. It is available from Year 2 onwards for all students with a GPA of over 4.0. It’s 4AUs, which is the equivalent of a 4000-level module. In other words, it’s like a mini-FYP. The good news is that it’s pass/fail, allowing a rare opportunity for students to freely pursue their interests without having to worry about their GPAs. How your experience will play out is heavily dependent on your supervisor’s workstyle and preferences (this is a rule you should remember as you go along), but in general, all students are expected to submit a 5,000-word research paper as the final deliverable. They will also be credited as the first author alongside their supervisor. You probably will not end up with a ground-breaking discovery, but it’s an excellent foray into the world of research.

For more information, I wrote a review of my URECA experience here.

Internships

I only took one internship in poly – right before I graduated. Since I knew I wanted to pursue further studies early on, I wasn’t too worried about whether I had an internship or not. The pressure to obtain an internship under one’s belt can be daunting, though. In my conversations with friends, the stresses of applying for internships was a frequent topic.

There is no restriction on where and what kind of internships you can apply for. Additionally, the School of Social Sciences (of which the Psych department is under) offers the Professional Attachment Programme (HPAP) that students at the end of Year 3 can take. Students will receive 5AUs (pass/fail) in exchange upon completing 10 weeks of internship. The organisation in which you intern at must be approved by the Career and Attachment Office (CAO), though.

Juniors often ask me where to find internships. Honestly, I’m not very sure in light of my limited experience in this area. Three avenues I can suggest:

Ask your professors
Use platforms such as LinkedIn
Do your own research

Just because a job is not listed doesn’t mean it’s not there. One of my friends shared that she had landed an internship by proactively reaching out to companies that interested her even when they did not indicate that they were hiring talent. I was so impressed. I just applied for mine because I saw that they were recruiting via school email.

At the end of the day, before jumping into any research opportunities or internships, start by asking yourself: what value am I looking for out of this, and is it what I really need? Or am I merely doing it for the sake of having something on my résumé? Don’t just do it because you’re FOMO. Remember that every choice you make entails an opportunity cost.

[3] Work/future prospects – ah yes the million-dollar question

Pay: An average fresh grad from NTU Psych can expect to earn in the range of $3000-3500.

Sectors (that I’ve seen my friends enter): civil service, private sector (HR, banks), research, marketing, clinics

To reiterate: to become a full-fledged psychologist, you need a postgraduate degree. It is not a negotiable, and takes years of investment and commitment.

Key skills gained: critical thinking, writing, translating research, data analysis, interpersonal skills, possibly advocacy (HAHAHA)

[4] Admission Information

Indicative Grade Profile AY21/22 for Psychology

A levels

10^th percentile: AAC/B
90^th percentile: AAA/A

Polytechnic

10^th percentile: 3.72
90^th percentile: 3.92

[5] Scholarships

There are many scholarships for freshmen that NTU offers.

I might do another post on how to improve your chances at getting a scholarship/maximise your chances of getting into the programme based on my experiences of receiving the Nanyang Scholarship and NTU Research Scholarship, so feel free to give a like, leave a comment under this post, or even support me if you want to make it happen!

[6] Why NTU Psychology?

I cover various reasons why in my post comparing NTU and NUS Psychology, written with the input of my friends in the two programmes. That being said, I recognise that there are other universities in Singapore offering psychology, and they too are valid choices.

Some major concerns might be:

The major declaration system: NUS FASS allows you to change your major to something else, NTU doesn’t; you’re in for psych all the way
The module balloting system: NTU is fastest fingers, NUS is bidding
The S/U system: NUS allows seeing your grades before S/U, and NTU students have been up in arms for years about this, but it didn’t matter much to me
The location and living arrangements: NTU has first 2 years guaranteed hall, and I think NUS doesn’t have this

Student life

I originally wanted to include my experiences with hall living, overseas exchange, and student clubs in this post but in the interest of time I think I’ll save it for another post. Again, let me know if you’re interested by liking, commenting, or just reaching out!

Feel free to AMA by leaving a comment here or on the Reddit post I’ll probably be linking this to.

Final credits

This post and its format was inspired by the following “All about [Course]” series of posts which I am grateful for: law, nursing.

Resources and relevant posts

If you want to show some love, you can buy me a coffee at ko-fi.com/gwynethtyt. You don’t have to, but it’d make my day.

Follow for more psych opps: Singapore Psychological Society (Youth Wing) | NTU Psychology Society

More on NTU life: Guide to STAR Wars and other FAQs

Gwyn Reviews: the NTU Counselling Centre

22nd Dec 202115th Jun 2023 gwynethtyt1 Comment

Mental health in youths is the In Thing now. There’s been a proliferation of ground-up and top-down initiatives targeting this issue in the past year, with even the Singapore government publicly committing to progressive improvements (albeit not reforms). This leads us to the questions: what resources are available, and are they adequate?

For me, there was one FREE resource under my nose I’d neglected for the longest time: the school counsellor. Yes – after more than four years in university and pursuing two psychology (!) degrees, I finally reached out to the NTU University Counselling Centre (UCC). This post will describe my experience seeking counselling services from the NTU UCC.

Sections to be covered (Ctrl-F to skip to a section directly, e.g. [1]):

[1] Why people don’t always seek help
[2] Booking the appointment + waiting time
[3] The actual counselling session

Even though I visited a university counsellor, I expect the overall experience to be generalisable, so youths of other ages and institutions may still find this post applicable. Students not from NTU/uni may skip [2], though I’d still recommend you read everything.

My goal here is to encourage help-seeking on my readers’ part: if you feel like you’re facing difficulties with your mental health in any way, go to a professional if you can. Don’t wait until your stresses boil over and you find yourself in a state of burnout (speaking from experience).

[1] THE PREAMBLE: WHY PEOPLE DON’T ALWAYS SEEK HELP

Considering I’m a psychology graduate, it’s ironic how I’ve never seen a counsellor. I mean, I’ve studied under clinical practitioners. Hell, I took a counselling module once, where my counselling skills were assessed. (Minor flex: I was the “top performer” in the cohort for that module. But look at where I am now. So.) Either way, I’ve never been a client.

That’s not to say I never considered the prospect of seeking help – I just never got around to doing so.

The point is: there’s a gap between intention and action that many of us find ourselves stuck in. You know (from the indelicate “oh mental health is superrrr important and we shouldn’t neglect it” narrative that we’re bombarded by) that seeking help is good, but… you just can’t seem to bring yourself through the steps to get there.

Granted, not everyone has the energy or time to seek professional help. There exists a multitude of (valid) reasons people don’t. Here are mine in the past that I cycled through at my convenience:

I am busy / I have too much work / I don’t have time / it’s too much of a hassle
It might not help me / I could just talk to my friends or family
It’s too expensive* (high-SES private therapists can go up to $180/h)

*So I found a free service. Baby steps, my friends.

Tl;dr: in deciding to seek help, you must believe that the value you’re receiving is worth the investment you’re making. In describing my experience with counselling below, I hope to demonstrate the value that counselling can bring. It will not solve all your problems – but it might get you closer to addressing them.

[2] BOOKING THE APPOINTMENT + WAITING TIME

Send help, am suffering

What prompted me to request an appointment was a stressful episode midway in the semester. Long story short, I felt that I wasn’t living up to my unattainable standards and doing terribly compared to my peers. A common experience, I guess, but with sufficient intensity to shut me down for three consecutive days – a significant amount of time when you’re running on weekly deadlines. Then, I saw an email advising students to seek help at the UCC if they needed it. LOL. This whole scenario reads like a comedy advertisement.

The appointment request form is on this page (login credentials required), but you can email the UCC at ucc-students@ntu.edu.sg or call 67904462. Getting to the request page is NOT an intuitive process (take note NTU); from a Google Search of “NTU counselling”, you need a minimum of four clicks on the correct links to get there.

The specific order is Student Intranet > Student Wellbeing (under Student Services) > Counselling > Making Appointments (Students) (under Student Wellbeing) – like how many Student Wellbeings do I need to see before I get to my destination LMFAO.

The intake call

Surprise, surprise: the appointment booking form I filled was not, in fact, for the counselling appointment. It was for an intake call. They contacted me through my email to arrange a call, and after some back and forth, we agreed on a timing. Anyway, they forgot to call me at the stipulated timing on the day itself, and I had to write in after a 15-min period of radio silence to remind them.

The intake call is a means of gathering initial information about the client through a series of questions (for the nitty-gritty, read here). The lines of enquiry that stood out to me were:

Any current issues/life transitions/symptoms experienced in the past month
My reason for seeking counselling; what I expect to get out of counselling
Any intentions for self-harm? (They were particularly meticulous about this)
Existing sources of social support I could draw upon

Naturally, I wanted to see the counsellor ASAP, but they informed me that the next appointment wasn’t available until a month later. I remember responding: the semester would have ended by that time – what would I have to talk about then? Can’t be helped, the caller essentially replied. It was crunch time for them because everyone gets stressed around the exam/assignment period. So, ironically, the time when students are most vulnerable is precisely when they are least likely to get opportune help because the centre can’t cope with the demand.

OK, well, whatever. I booked the appointment for the following month and promptly forgot about it. Later, I had to postpone it for another week because I had an urgent deadline that cropped up, which was a hassle. The other thing about UCC’s booking system is that it is internally and manually managed. There is no convenient online portal that you can log onto – like that of polyclinics – to book or reschedule appointments. You have to write/call in to deconflict and haggle for the timing that works best for you AND them.

[3] FINALLY, THE ACTUAL COUNSELLING SESSION

Counsellors, therapists, and psychiatrists

Before we proceed, a note between the differences between a counsellor and (psycho)therapist because there is a common misconception that they are the same. If you’re wondering where clinical psychologists are, they fall under the umbrella of therapists. Finally, neither counsellors nor therapists are psychiatrists, who are specialised medical doctors and the only ones that can prescribe medication for mental disorders. (Confused? This resource may help clarify.)

Therapists undergo more specialised training focusing on diagnosis and treatment, and minimally require a Master’s to practise professionally. Counselling does not require a Master’s, though there is a certification requirement of a few hundred hours of supervised training. The above does not mean one profession is better than the other – it just means they address different needs of the client. A counsellor is well-equipped to handle immediate problems causing distress and is a resource bank of coping strategies that the client can draw upon during trying times.

Think of counsellors as the “first line of defence”. If your symptoms are severe such that a counsellor’s assistance is insufficient, your case will be escalated to a psychologist or psychiatrist for further attention. But for many, seeing a counsellor will be enough. I think of counsellors as similar to GPs. We all get sick once in a while, and so seeking regular check-ups is a good habit to cultivate. But sometimes we have severe or recurring symptoms beyond their expertise, and that’s when they refer you to a specialist.

Nice to e-meet you

I opted for an online call because I didn’t want to travel down to Pulau NTU. Ah, the joys of technology! My counsellor was randomly assigned to me – I didn’t get to choose. I won’t disclose her name for privacy reasons, but she was sweet and approachable. And a great listener.

We started in an open-ended fashion, where she invited me to share what I’ve been up to and any challenges that I’d been facing recently. I’m a great rambler (ideal client type), so I wasted no time and jumped straight into rattling off all my problems. Throughout my monologues, she remained highly engaged, interjecting appropriately during my pauses.

When I shared my chronic belief of never being good enough, she gently guided me to elaborate and interrogate the causes of this belief. Examples:

When did I start feeling this way?
Is it really feasible to be the best at something (all the time)?
How do I deal with situations when I do not meet my expectations?
What is my relationship with myself?

As I attempted to answer these questions, I found myself exploring dusty places in my mind. I realised I possessed thought and action patterns that I had simply accepted as normal and automatically used without noticing their impact on me through the years. It was a pleasant surprise when her questions decentred me, throwing me off my usual line of self-talk, and pointed me in new directions to explore. It was exciting.

What I really liked was the new perspective that she offered to the things I took for granted. It’s easy to believe that we know everything about ourselves – after all, we live with the voices in our heads 24/7. And I’d already had extensive conversations with my loved ones and mentors before about the struggles I faced. While they are indubitably a valuable source of social support, I stopped learning anything new about myself from those repeated conversations at some point. So, gaining an outsider’s perspective was illuminating.

Problem-focused coping is my passion

Before ending the session, she provided me with a few coping methods to try over a few weeks. She mainly proposed journaling with specific adjustments. I mentioned that I have a habit of reviewing my day in writing, so she commended me (LOL) and recommended further minutiae I could try. Namely:

Write down the events of the day. Next, identify and label the emotions I experienced – positive or negative. Then validate them: was it reasonable to feel this way, given the circumstances? Would others have felt the same in similar situations?
If there are negative thoughts, create a separate column to reframe them: rewrite them as valuable takeaways to learn from.
Write one positive thing about myself every day (basically gratitude journaling), e.g. “I am proud of myself for powering through the day!”

You might think these sound commonsensical. I’d already learnt all of it before, and I know that these are helpful in theory. The thing is (again): it never occurred to me to practise doing these things. She reiterated that I don’t have to be ambitious or perfectionistic about this whole journaling endeavour: start small and build up slowly. The same goes for mental health, really – it’s a process.

Finally, we scheduled our second appointment for a month later, since one hour was grossly inadequate to work through two decades of self-doubt. Afterwards, she emailed me a cute diagram with tips on cognitive restructuring.

UNTIL THE NEXT APPOINTMENT…

In summary, I would rate my experience as:

Appointment process: 2.5/5, as mediocre as me, needs improvement
Counselling experience: 5/5, exceeded expectations, would recommend to all

I firmly believe that counselling is a resource that everyone deserves and should use to better their well-being. I say this based on my experience seeking counselling and as a psychology graduate. The good news is that there are now many free counselling services available (see the end of this post for a list of community resources), and one’s educational institution is a great place to start.

Ultimately, my hope is that seeing a counsellor can be as normalised as going to your GP for a physical ailment. Fortunately, with mental health awareness steadily increasing in Singapore, that doesn’t seem such a far-off goal now. That being said, there’s always room for improvement… but that’s a story for another time.

Wishing you all wealth and health and that you will meet the counsellor who helps you flourish and be your best self!

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Update (4/1/22): Dr Lim from the University Wellbeing Office commented on this post with further resources for NTU students!

Thank you for promoting and your championing of mental health and wellbeing for our youths. Regarding my suggestion to include a link for the students, you could consider this: https://ts.ntu.edu.sg/sites/intranet/student/dept/uwo/resources/Pages/default.aspx (NTU student intranet under UWO webpage). This page has different categories of self-help and will encourage exploration of the different resources and services available to the youths.

APPENDIX: USEFUL COMMUNITY RESOURCES

Fei Yue’s Online Counselling Service
ec2.sg
[Live chat] Mon-Fri: 10am-12pm; 2pm-5pm (Closed on Public Holidays)
e-Counselling Centre

Singapore Association for Mental Health (SAMH)
1800 283 7019; 6283 1576
Toll-Free Helpline from 9am-6pm on weekdays (except public holidays)
counselling@samhealth.org.sg
A helpline for all mental health-related matters

Community Health Assessment Team (CHAT)
https://www.chat.mentalhealth.sg/get-help/About_webCHAT/
6493 6500 / 01
chat@mentalhealth.sg
webCHAT operates from Tues to Sat, 1pm-8pm
Provides a confidential and personalised mental health check for young persons between 16 and 30 years old. CHAT is NOT a counselling or crisis service

Touch Community Services
1800 377 2252
Mon to Fri from 9am-6pm
TOUCHLine Youth Counselling Service

Care Corner
1800 3535 800
Daily from 10am-10pm (excluding public holidays)
Toll-free Mandarin Counselling Hotline

National Care Hotline
1800-202-6868
Provides emotional and psychological support to those affected by the COVID-19 pandemic

IMH Emergency Help Line (24h)
6389 2222
Urgent intervention for those experiencing acute difficulties in their mental health

Samaritans of Singapore (SOS) (24h)
1800 221 4444
pat@sos.org.sg
Facebook Messenger (6pm-6am on Mon to Thu and from 6pm-11:59pm on Fri)
A 24-hour suicide prevention helpline to provide emotional support for those in distress

Mental Health Services Resource Directory

Click to access directory-on-mental-health-services-pdf.pdf

*The above are unabashedly taken from a school email, no shame, thanks NTU