thoughts of the past inadvertently find their way into my bouts of reflection; they’re a potent cocktail of yearning and regret. i don’t think there’s an English word for it — i haven’t found its foreign, untranslatable variant. it’s a feeling of watching life passing gently, like running your palm through the beach and watching the sand slip through your fingers. you can hold on as much and as tightly as you want, but it makes no difference. the pigeons will continue to caw, the trees sway in the wind, and the sea will recede, before rushing forward, only to recede again.
Category: memories
forgetting, #3 (deconstructed)
if to reminisce is to reconstruct, i can’t see you in the pieces anymore
forgetting, #2
終於忘記你的時候你出現在我的夢裡
我們都困在這寂寞的夜晚
陽光照進窗簾卻太過刺眼
過於溫暖的冬天讓人失去自覺
波浪在海面上 營火在岸邊
我又淚流滿面而你不在我身邊
芒草在山巔，痛苦還留在眉間
他天真地以為這一切都無所謂
他單純只想把日子過得不浪費
我就是你的人
而這就是我的人生
深夜的時光如此珍貴，安靜的故事裡沒有音樂
終於忘記你的時候你出現在我的夢裡
forgetting, #1 (in memoriam)
he asked me if i would remember him: i told him then i would, maybe, but in hindsight the question is moot. i won’t actually remember him; i’ll remember how he made me feel.
and it’s not a place i want to return to.
a confessional, delayed
you’ll never see this, but in the off chance you do:
you’re not like the others at all — you were special. i don’t think love can be quantified, but i loved you so much that i put you before me for as long as i could.
and didn’t you do the same for me?
you’re the only one who deserves better than everything i could’ve given you.
more than anything, i hope that you find happiness. when we eventually meet again, i know you’ll be happier than you’ve ever been with me.
somnolence
i could never fall asleep easily around them.
one time i stared wide-eyed at the ceiling through midnight until his alarm rang. when i studied him, basking in the warmth of the golden hour, he seemed to be having a pleasant dream: maybe life was sweeter for him there. back in reality, all that was left for me to do was envy him.
i think that one sleeps soundly when there’s nothing to worry about.
another time we stayed up until it was warm; i was talking at him throughout, at a pace so frenetic it was as if i already knew that we would never see each other again. i couldn’t sleep, even with the additional melatonin in my blood. i did have a lot i wanted to share, but now i wonder if it was also because i didn’t feel comfortable enough to let the silence settle in between us. it adds up, because i can no longer remember what we said, only what was left unsaid.
as someone who’s had insomnia all her life, falling asleep easily is a blessing. a perfect descent is like wading into a warm ocean with the scent of home around you. deceptively light at first, a heaviness weighs you down until you realise you’re sinking to the point of no return: it conquers you whether you embrace or resist it. but it’s easier to let go with someone — if you trust that they’ll eventually pull you back to the surface to breathe again.
maybe they knew, maybe they didn’t — either way, i don’t think they cared.
i’ve joined them now. these days, i burrow into my blanket and hug my bolster tight. for sure, doing so can’t replicate the affections of a drowsy lover. but it is nice in its own way: nestled away in my cocoon, sometimes — just sometimes — i hear the sound of the waves and nothing else.
gwynethtyt.com is 5!
Oh my god!
Since the inception of this blog, I have written over 130 posts.
Here is a collection of my favourites, categorised by year, which I feel best captures her spirit.
2019: the big bang era
[26 posts]
11/6: hello, losers
- The post that started it all. Reading this again makes me laugh because it demonstrates my point that people fundamentally don’t change. I mean, look at these iconic quotes from 2019 me:
- “I enjoy oversharing about my life to the discomfort of others, though I should really know better. Either way, you’ll get my irrelevant opinions on all sorts of issues.”
- “If you think I don’t have any [haters], you’d be surprised — I am so popular it pains me. I can’t even sin in good conscience anymore.”
3/8: my NTU URECA experience: a review
- This post was the first example of what I would become most well-known for among my juniors — reviews and advice relating to my academic pursuits. And my wit, of course.
5/11: meta on oversharing
- One of my purer self-expressions at the time related to the paradox of online authenticity — a recurring issue in my life. The dilemma in summary: being “real” online necessitates sharing negative experiences and potentially controversial opinions because that’s real life. However, doing so could lead to adverse consequences, mainly: (1) it might not be good for your reputation in a hypercurated online environment and (2) your disclosure could be weaponised against you.
- (1) is more rooted in insecurity than anything else, but (2) is a real concern. Someone reported me to my superiors when I was a student leader because I allegedly made an inflammatory comment online.
- The only thing I learned from that affair then, unfortunately for the instigator, is that some people have such uninteresting lives that they can only spend it attempting (and failing) to drag others down. But I’ll admit that the experience helped me learn to criticise in a way that convinces audiences while the targets can’t do jackshit to me. (-:
- I only resolved the dilemma after going through therapy: now, I share whatever I want without concern for others’ opinions. The value that I create and the way I treat others is testament enough to my character. If you can’t see it, that’s on you and not me x
2020: the liberal feminist (ironic) era
[16 posts]
8/1: penis envy
- Self-explanatory. Interesting in the sense that men do not only represent an outlet of emotional and sexual fulfilment for me (god, if only I could choose otherwise), but because the concept of manhood defined my psychic development as a woman. Freud would be proud.
12/3: my time at mcgill: a mid-term review
- Went to McGill University in Montreal, Canada to expand liberal brain.
24/3: carte blanche
- Still relevant. Will always be. My lover must understand this.
8/5: virgin crisis
- A chauvinist triggered me to write this. The post is noteworthy because it demonstrated my propensity for conflict and polemics. I’m more selective with my battles now because I’m better able to distinguish what’s worth my time.
- But my desire and ability to put men in their place will never die.
- Trivia: named after a popular shoujo manga I read when I was younger.
14/8: reflections of a “student leader”
- Babygirl does politics, and gets her way (you’re welcome to read and decide for yourself if I did).
2021: the pareto principle era
[11 posts]
1/6: gwyn’s guide to NTU psych modules (or: PSYCCESS)
- This is the post I am most well-known for. I wrote it because it is what I would have wanted to read as a junior. The support I received motivated me to keep writing; it might be part of the reason I am still posting today.
22/12: gwyn reviews: the NTU counselling centre
- This post marked a breakthrough for me because it was the first time I actively sought help for my depressive symptoms. It was formative in terms of my journey as a mental health advocate.
- Trivia: did you guys know I got into trouble for this series (the mental health logs), because someone didn’t like what I said and reported it to someone with authority over me? I got away again, of course (see the pattern here?), because 1) I can and 2) people are delusional to think that they can police my non-political opinions in our fair and free society.
2022: the lowkey era
[8 posts]
28/6: geneva, a girl, and a reckoning
- I went to Switzerland, Geneva, and got to meet my research idol. I will never forget my time there. Their melted cheese fondue was pretty good, too.
6/7: on sleeping (with) disorders
- I have had a long troubled history of insomnia since I was an adolescent (it’s gotten a lot better in 2024, though). I paid doctors hundreds of dollars to confirm what I already knew. Speaking from experience: if you have a sleep issue, also get your mental health checked out — the two are inextricable from one another.
2023: the comeback era
[3 posts]
4/10: confessions of an ex-NTUSU exco
- More political commentary. The feelings I experienced when I posted this and when I saw the response to it solidified my commitment to write until I die.
5/12: 25
- To celebrate the end of my first quarter of life. Also to celebrate something I had neglected for a long time: myself.
2024: the generative babygirl era
[60+ posts(!), so far]
26/2: discipline and punish
- Marked another transformation where I realised I didn’t have to play by the rules anymore.
31/3: to my dearest
- Tl;dr I realised my friends loved me immensely, perhaps more than any man ever loved me.
12/4: golden age
- More thoughts on freedom following discipline and punish.
17/4: gwyn’s lay theory of relationships series
- Being single and encountering a bunch of men made me have Many Thoughts about the nature of love, dating, and marriage. So where better to organise all these thoughts creatively than here?
- I would like to thank the men who inspired me because, hell, I was compulsively putting out banger after banger LOL. Sublimation is real, and I have lived it.
10/5: how to counteract love bombers
- Sums up my philosophy towards relationships: if they really wanted right, they would. I will accept nothing less.
16/5: the little things
- I just like how soft this post is. I wrote it with the wind on my face and the rain pouring in the background.
1/6: the no man june logs
- Embarked on this because I love self-improvement projects and gamifying my life. It’s not working out great because I clearly have impulsivity issues, but I’d be damned if I wasn’t having fun.
7/6: gwyn’s theory of interpersonal interest series
- Another banger of a series (a little bit of disclosure: I was lovesick. I might still be. But I wouldn’t worry, because it’ll all work out in the end.)
That was a sweet trip down memory lane. Happy 5th birthday, my darling blog! I love you.
gwyn’s mental health logs, #2: tips from a psycho
in this series: #0.5 | #1 | #2
First written in Jul 2023, with minor edits and commentary in May 2024
(recovery is non-linear, but it will get better)
[May 2024: Enough about silly trivialities like men and love, boring! Let’s yap about ME! Specifically, my psycho ass side. Reviving the mental health logs for my fans!]
Since my first post, I’m delighted to report that things have been looking up for me! I am still waiting to be connected with a psychologist, though (something about waiting time and accessibility of mental health services in Singapore…)
In the meantime, here’s a list of things that have helped me get through a recent depressive episode. They read like notes from a textbook, but there’s nothing quite like a hands-on experience.
Coming to terms with it all. Simply accepting that I did (and maybe always will) have a problem liberated me to focus on addressing it rather than being trapped in the quandary of self-doubt. [May 2024: Still psycho! But so happy.]
Social support and companionship. Many friends reached out after they saw my earlier post. Two aspects stood out — a lack of judgement and an affirmation that they would stand by me. In the weeks since none of them has treated me differently. We went out, played, and gossiped about nonsense as usual. I will always be grateful for them.
- My partner has also been enormously supportive (well, he has always been), listening to my issues and being a staunch voice of reason whenever my spirals strike. He’s also been willing to communicate his challenges in his role as a “mental health caregiver”, which has helped us better navigate our difficult periods together. It’s important to care for your caregivers too!
Taking a step back and reappraising. Throughout university, I’ve been compelled to prove myself by achieving “success”. My blog was literally named Gwyn’s Guides to Success (it is now Gwyn’s Playground to mirror my newfound commitment to enjoying life). [May 2024: it is now baby g’s diary. Character development!]
- I wanted to get better grades, take up more leadership roles, engage in more extracurriculars, volunteer more, build more connections, write more papers, have my Prof like me more… the list went on. Talk about an unabashedly narrow (but not uncommon) definition of success. Put them together, and lo and behold, you have an amorphous ideal self unattainable by design. Goals became imperatives that incessantly berated me for not being enough regardless of what I did — like having the consciousness of a toxic tiger parent implanted in your brain.
- I hit a turning point when my supervisor pointed out that my mental health was taking a toll on my work and that she was genuinely concerned. It was one hell of a “oh, wow, cool” moment (she broke character for me!) I was in such bad shape I could barely function at work, much less recognise that I was floundering. In the following days, I gave more thought to what I wanted (something I hadn’t done in a long time because I was fixated on getting through the motions). Sure, getting a Master’s degree is ~cool~, but I don’t need to destroy myself over it.
- The same goes for other projects. At the end of the day, a commitment is something you willingly give your time to… so you don’t need to put in any more effort than you can or want to. To paraphrase a quote from another mental health advocate: you can’t water the grass when your well is dry.
- Shoutout to the book Four Thousand Weeks: Time Management for Mortals on this topic. [May 2024: Sweetheart? Please mail it back to me.] The big idea: life is short, you can’t do everything, so embrace finitude and enjoy the moment, darling. As long as you’ve lived a life you thought was worthwhile, what does it matter what others think? In the grand scheme of things, it really doesn’t. Life goes on with or without you. If a good life to me consists of reading manga and writing a personal blog in my spare time that nobody reads(!), then so be it.
Focusing on the things I love, for me. I’ve gotten back into the habit of reading, and you won’t believe this — writing! Similarly, I’m doing things for myself, because I want to, not only because it brings me to some societally-approved end. Some nights, I play Civilization VI over Discord with my friends and then chomp on garlic cheese prata with my family into the wee hours, ignoring the thought that I have a lot of work to do the next day. LOL. Of course, I’ve had to strike a balance because work never ends, but these little moments have made all the difference.
- So get yourself some self-care. Take the time to recharge, and then move onto great things when you’re ready — if you want to, because you don’t have to!
Taking breaks. There’s only so much work you can do in a day. When you pare it down based on energy levels, you’ll realise that most work is not urgent or even important. When I’m stressed, I ask myself: what is the worst that could happen if I mess up this tiny ass task? Or miss a deadline because I’m overwhelmed? So what? It really isn’t worth all that stress. Go take a nap.
Breaking down things. Based on behavioural activation in CBT. Can’t beat your brain? Hack it.
- Just be 1% better than yesterday.
- Committing to the basics, whether you like it or not. Routines, baby!
- I asked a friend over mahjong recently — what is your life purpose? It’s been a long-running preoccupation of mine stemming from the idea that I need to identify some sort of bigger calling to motivate myself to get up every day. He sagely retorted that it’s “not a good question and only stresses you out”.
- Instead, focus on one small thing at a time to keep you looking forward to tomorrow. So that’s what I’m doing. It’s the small things… but they add up to make a good life.
- I am eagerly anticipating the premiere of Dune Part 2 this November (okay, it’s been postponed to March 2024) [May 2024: it was better than I could ever imagine.]
- And for Volume 3 of my favourite manga to be released in English [May 2024: I flirted my way into getting a Japanese copy because I couldn’t wait. I’d do it again! <3]
- I am looking forward to the holiday trips I’ll have this year.
- I am excited to master Japanese and get my JLPT N1 certification! Maybe in 5 years, LOL.
[May 2024: Well, so much has happened since. I’m sure 2023 Gwyn would have been proud of 2024 baby g. I definitely am! Hehe. I love you.]
excerpts, #3
— that time you looked at me, regret splintering within your distant gaze, you said you remembered everything. but did you really? what I remember is that exhibition, where time was represented as an unbroken swirl. past, present, future: they fuse as chaotically as the particles of the universe. and if you stand inverted, facing those waves that outline our memories, a new perspective comes through each time.
you can say it again to me — everything, all over again.
excerpts, #1 (interlude/escapade)
really though, it’s hard to overstate how much I’m enjoying myself here. i’m still the same old me, tardy and awkward, but in a new place with new people — and it’s made a world (country?) of difference. here, we accept each other’s kinks without judgement (well, for the most part), we share the same sense of wack humour, as well as the same glossy-eyed appreciation for the Japanese language and culture. it is good. and there are so many books. i hope this isn’t the pinnacle experience of my existence because i would be sad to see it end. just like this manga that sparks me joy, just like how beautifully it is illustrated, i hope it can always be this way for us too.
baby g’s diary 