If I sleep with a man on the first date, it must mean I am (you are) emotionally ready to disqualify him permanently. To see it through is to certify with a seal that I do not expect to see him again, and I’ll be fine if I don’t. In fact, I must expect to never see any man that I sleep with again if we do so before any binding commitment is made. I ate him up and got what I wanted; that’s a full hunt completed.
They took what they could, and so did I.
If they do not want more, neither shall I ask nor desire.
Don’t turn around, don’t blink twice.
This does not mean I view men as “prey”. I’m not delusional (I think, haha). I respect them as human beings like myself. We are equals; coercion is never involved (or the police will join the party).
But I will reciprocate how they treat me. Some men (not all) act like this is a game and women are prey to be devoured. There may be no coercion, but there is always persuasion and manipulation in human relations. They think that if they go through the motions and “play the game right”, women will willingly fall into their arms — and they don’t even have to commit.
But there are no free lunches in this world.
They think they’re the hunters; they don’t realise I own the hunting ground.
And on these grounds, babygirls — contrary to my tagline — love is not a game.
A dual post because it was only a matter of time before all of what I’ve written would come together. To love and to date is to find yourself, and when you find yourself, you will meet the ones for you.
It’s #3.5 on the hyperoptimised dating series because the content is an extension of #3, which I haven’t yet written. But it will come soon.
These two weeks have been a huge test for me — of my will. I’ve learnt so much so quickly that even my core beliefs have been shaken. Up to this point, I believed I should give my everything in whatever I do, whoever I meet…. but I can see why people are hesitant to do so now. I tried to hyperoptimise the search for love only to find that the thing I could not optimise in the end was myself. We cannot optimise love because it is not meant to be optimised.
Everyone I’ve met tells me I give love too quickly and commit too fully. I don’t agree, but they’re right about the consequences, which are very real.
Nonetheless, I’ve made a few observations that are fascinating to me and that my readers might enjoy.
First: people like to aim for things that are just beyond our reach — it’s pure instinct. But the divine irony of it all is that to be the partner of a person who is “better” than you, you have to be better than yourself so you “deserve” them. I do not believe people “deserve” or do not deserve each other; everyone deserves to be loved. But there are unbreakable rules in life, and this is one of them.
I realised that I’ve always “joked” about finding a rich man because I have been looking for a man to compensate for a part of me that I perceived I lacked. But there is nothing to compensate for. As Cher wisely opined, I don’t need a rich man; I am the rich man. I will become him. When I do, the rest will work it out by itself. Indeed, that is the mentality of the secure men I’ve met — they take their time and are stern with their boundaries because they always want better, better, better.
And why not indeed? I’ve been out for less than a month on Hinge and am already batting like crazy. But not only is it about where you’re at now, it’s about where you’re going. And I will keep growing; in a year, I will be more, and in two years, I will be much more. When you tend to your garden, the butterflies will come. When I become a rich (and hot) man, I won’t need a rich man anymore.
So, ultimately, this is not about men or potential partners I might have. It is about me. It was always about me; it was always about you.
Second and related: if you are serious about finding the one for you, you must first know who you are.
I suspect men are afraid of me. Because I am so intense and seemingly ready to do unhinged shit (it’s only unhinged because they don’t understand) that they realise that they cannot control me — and these men cannot accept a woman they cannot control. I think that’s the crux of it all in a relationship dynamic: it’s all about power. In short, weaker men cannot handle me, and they drop me such that I shatter on the floor. (Most men can’t even handle being told that they’re weak.)
That’s what the men really mean when they tell me I’m “emotionally volatile” or I’m “headstrong” or whatever to that effect. They’re all related. I saw it flash across a prospect’s eyes when we met for the last time as potential partners. I told him about my plans for the future, and he tripped thrice, so much that I asked him if he was doing it for theatrical effect. He did not say it then, but it was already a dealbreaker for him, and maybe he just wanted to see it through to the inevitable end.
This guess of mine will never be fully validated because they will never admit it is so. But I can see it anyway — I see it with the men in my past and the men I’ve met recently. I see it in the way they orbit me. My malicious side wants them to think, in those moments they watch my stories, why are you still here? But hey, since you are, watch me — I’m going to be the girl you could’ve had and will never have again because you didn’t know what you wanted. You were a part of my life and I’m grateful for that — but you were not meant to stay. I’ve done it before, and I’ll do it again.
But it doesn’t matter whether they feel the way I want them to. I might be completely delusional. It doesn’t matter what they feel anyway. They have their own lives and deserve happiness too.
I’ll just not be there to see it.
I am not emotionally volatile. I used to be, maybe. I hurt others; I regret it. And I will make mistakes. I can’t help it if I have thorns on my body that regrow even when I tear them out and I bleed because I didn’t want to hurt others when they came close. I must accept myself for who I am. I can only hope my friends will love me regardless — and I trust that they do. I too accept them for everything that they are.
My emotional intensity is not a weakness; it is quite literally my cardinal trait. People who say I’m volatile do not understand me in the way I understand myself. And I do not have the time to explain myself to them because we have other things to do. Let them think what they want. I will say this though: if I am emotionally volatile, then let the primary emotions I cycle between be joy and awe.
I will be brave, even if I must make it alone.
There are always “better” people out there. But they are not for you. You deserve someone who sees you as you are. When you realistically recognise your place, you’ll know where you want to be.
Will you stay or will you go? That’s up to you.
I have only met one man about whom I was completely sure from the beginning. And the reason was simpler than I had expected — he felt like home, where I was meant to be, as I was. I was so sure about my gut feeling that I’d have given him the reins if he asked. But he told me, as if he saw something in me I did not then, that I was too unstable for him.
And on reflection — indeed, I am. He could not handle me. That’s not on him; it’s not on me. We were just not meant to be. We live, and we learn.
So, as I intended, the man I end up with will be a brat tamer. And he won’t even have to tell me. I will know when we cross paths. He’ll love the challenge, and I’ll give myself fully in return.
We will not “settle for” anyone until I find someone who loves me as intensely and deliberately as I love him. He has to be like me. I am looking for a soulmate. With or without them, I am walking ahead at my own pace. If I don’t get married, hell, so be it; there are more incredible things in life waiting for me.
My priority is not men. It will never be men. It will always be me.
i am cursed to be a woman; i am cursed to feel. the problem is that i struggle to determine who really wants me for who i am before i fall. elite men or otherwise, it is undeniable that i am only a body to some of them. i fear the proportion is higher than i wish it is. […]
but my femininity is not a weakness, it is a strength.
to my friends, and for my fans now
Welcome back to Gwyn’s Guide to Hyperoptimised Dating, where dating (and love) is a numbers game — and we hack it to hell.
Oh, following feedback from a fan yesterday on post #1 (sex and love), I wanted to take this space to add something before we proceed. They raised a good point that some men need time to get to know you better before they decide if you’re the one for them. If you bypass the pre-sex courtship, then, it is likelier that the man might develop feelings for you and get “sucked in” (verbatim quote, poor men!). Therefore, you lose the bucket of fence-sitters if you sleep with them early on.
It’s a fair point and I don’t disagree. My answer is that this boils down to personal preference: are you willing to give the fence-sitters a chance? I’ve met men who knew I was the one for them — at least, at that point — from the first time we met, and they were willing to show me from the start. Do I want to settle for anything less? I don’t think so.
In Part 2, on special request by a sweetheart, we will discuss signs of interest and when to disqualify.
I hope the psychopaths who want me don’t read this, or I have to wrack my brain to discover new and innovative ways to determine if men are interested in me (beyond my body). GOD!
I would say it all boils down to a gut feeling, but I thought that one of them I met was the one and that went down the drain real quick. So out with the vibes, out with the delusions, babygirls. At least I caught myself instantly this time — clearly, the compartmentalisation practice is working out.
We look only at actions hereon.
What’s in a Date?
With shock and surprise, I realised retroactively that men (and women) who are genuinely interested in you will want to partake in your hobbies. Groundbreaking indeed.
mrw
As you all know, it’s Jazz in July, and I initially began only intending to find cute boys to go to jazz concerts with (before I got sidetracked by hot men… thank you, Jesus…).
There were, broadly speaking, only two types of responses I received:
I don’t know much about jazz, but I’d love to try if you’re willing to have me 🙂
I don’t like jazz; can we do something else?
How interesting, right? Now, you can argue that the second type of man simply knows what he wants. That’s okay. I love men who are honest and have opinions. However, note that there is less acquiescence on his part compared to the first response type. If you bring it to the logical maximum it suggests that he is less interested in what you like as opposed to what he likes.
It is not about what we actually do. It is about how we get there.
Still, one date is poor sample sizing; there is nothing to interpolate from. Yet we must do our best because we are hyperoptimising.
Hence, we look at what we do on the second date (if there is one).
When planning the date together, did they ask what you’d like to do? Are they at least suggesting things that meet in the middle for both of you?
During the date, are they asking about you? What do you like, babygirl? What do you want in life? Where are you going? What are your fears? What do you look for in a partner? …How can I love you in the best way I can?
Or are they talking about themselves incessantly?
Texting, Yapping, Quality Time, Whatever You Like
Again, being kind and giving the benefit of the doubt, a relationship is meant to be founded on compromises. One guy mentioned we could go to a jazz bar, which was nice enough of him.
Unfortunately, he proceeded to text me remarkably inconsistently, so I figured he liked someone else more, dropped him, and bumped up my next favourite (possibly one of my top 10 decisions this year). It’s a pity (I exaggerate) because his face card was fantastic, but more importantly, I knew he could love — he still has pictures of his ex from years ago on his Instagram! (He orbits me, by the way. If you’re here, hi.)
The above is an example of a universal truth. If they wanted you, they would text you. NOBODY IS THAT BUSY THAT THEY CANNOT TEXT YOU. DO NOT MAKE EXCUSES FOR THEM! Additionally, the critical element distinguishing an excellent communicator (look out for it) is that if they were really busy, they would take the initiative to explain why. An exemplar:
Hey babygirl, I’m so sorry for my delayed responses as I’ve been swamped with work. Still, please feel free to text me whenever, and I’ll do my best to get back to you whenever I can. Love you lots x
It really is that simple. If you don’t have the physical bandwidth to write that, then bloody hell, just copy the text above and send it to the person you care about. My god! Do I have to say this!
People who love you will always set aside time for you.
They will not ghost you. I hate that term; I hate them all. I was so ready to love you for who you are, and this is what you thought I deserved in return. Not even an explanation, but nothing at all. It’s fine though — as the Stoics say, we are entitled to nothing from other people; to have expectations of others is futile. To give yourself to someone fully, you must expect nothing in return. And we must let go; we must return things as they are to make room for more, for better.
Your room has limited space. Do not give chances to people who do not cherish your attention. In the game of hyperoptimised dating, you only have one shot, and you’d better make the best of it.
So, love boils down to a war of attrition, I guess. He who persists wins.
Don’t turn around and change your mind; we don’t have time for that.
me yelling at me to RESPECT MYSELF
Sigh. I have once again written too much. But here’s the devastating kicker: if they liked you, you wouldn’t need to worry about these at all.
They would do all of it in the first place because you’re worth it to them.
And that’s what makes me sad.
Bonus: A Love Letter to My Orbiters
If you didn’t know, orbiters are people who do not reply your texts but watch your stories anyway. I categorise them into two types: malicious or stupid orbiters. But that’s a discussion for another time.
Processing orbiters is as easy as 123. If they can watch your stories, they have time to text you. Therefore, if they do not text you, they are just not that into you. Thank you. Mute their stories and go and talk to someone else who will be happy for your love and attention. But I’m not complaining; the orbiter class of men is my guilty pleasure (I mute orbiters who matter to me from watching my stories). Ultimately, every orbiter is a fan, and I adore my fans.
But that’s all you’ll ever be. If you’re happy with that, I’ll be happy for you too.
P/S: I’m not a saint. I make mistakes too. I yap too much, and I’m too emotionally volatile (apparently). Sometimes I inadvertently hurt people. So if you want something from me, tell me, babygirl, tell me now.
I’ll give it to you, because you’re worth it.
And so we end, before I go:
i’ll find a life partner eventually. but the love of my life — it’s me. and it’s you guys, my friends, who accept me completely as i am.
Alternate title: Hoe Justifications for Divine Babygirls
Dear fans. Welcome to Gwyn’s Guide to Hyperoptimised Dating, where dating (and love) is a numbers game — and we hack it to hell.
Caveat emptor: I write referring to heterosexual monogamous relationships because that’s all I’ve been exposed to, though there are some universal truths for sure — I just don’t know which ones. The gay or queer subculture might run on a different rule system. Everything is personal speculation backed up by anecdotal observations only. (But I think I’m pretty good at what I do, or at least I enjoy thinking about this topic a lot.)
In the first part of this ongoing series (it’s gonna be so fun!), we start with love and sex.
If you want to beat men in their game, you must play according to their rules and turn it against them. Know thy enemy and win the war, my babygirls.
On Sex and Love
The first man I met (hi, gang member) told me sagely:
Men do not sleep with women they are interested in on the first date.
I agree with this, maybe, but I have something to say about it. So, let’s break it down.
Men are better able to separate sex from love than women, in general. By and large (but not always), women sleep with men they would like to commit to.
Conversely, men can sleep with any woman as long as they find her sexually attractive — their desire to commit is irrelevant. Another man told me something along the lines of “I’m not really sure about you… so if you don’t want to sleep with me, it’s fine; I don’t want to confuse you emotionally”. I was impressed, but there’s something bigger at play here: (secure) men know the significance of sex to a woman. No knowledge and emotional intelligence in the world, however, will stop them from wanting to sleep with you anyway.
This is not to say that ALL men are merely raging boners or sex-driven machines where love is always a means to an end for them. Love is always an end in itself (but so is sex). Even the most jaded of men want love, and if they genuinely love a woman, they cannot disentangle sex from love — you can’t fight evolutionary instinct. Some men, albeit proportionally less than women, do not enjoy casual sex (one of my pet hypotheses: they’re usually vanilla on the BDSM test, which you should totally do). But the elite players are very good at compartmentalising the two.
Anyhoo, the law of large numbers outcome is that overall, women who sleep with men tend to be more emotionally invested in a potential relationship that the men do not necessarily reciprocate.
Strategy Time
There are two strategies to resolve this inherent problem of gendered expectations. I posit that Strategy #2 is more efficient and maximalist, but only if you’re willing to go all out AND do the emotional work. In summary, it’s because you’ll know a lot faster whether he actually likes you for who you are beyond your sex appeal. And you get to enjoy the devil’s tango, of course, god bless us all.
STRATEGY #1: Do not sleep with a man you like until you’re absolutely certain he wants you. This is the default strategy for most women. This means you have sex only after some period of “sexual tension courtship”, which can be however long you want. Some people determine the event that marks the end of this phase as marriage. (Minor digression: this concept of no sex before marriage is anathema to me, like if you attacked a devil with a cross. What if, on your first night, you realise the two of you are sexually incompatible in bed??? You are now legally bound sexually to this person!!! Wait — is that an argument that I hear — that you can find out by doing everything else aside from actual intercourse? Hahahaha… do I have news for you, babygirl…)
STRATEGY #2:Sleep with a man you like before knowing whether he wants you as a person or not. Discard whatever he says he feels about you. It does not matter; you do not care. This means that the “sexual tension courtship” period is virtually eliminated.
So why is Strategy #2 superior? Let us begin.You will never know for sure if a man wants you until you sleep with him. They can do their best to pretend otherwise, but sex generally is important to men unless they fall into the niche subcategory of men who have convinced themselves it’s a sacred thing (I can’t comment more as I am allergic to them, but good for their wives, I guess). In short, men want sex.
But the corollary is actually the critical element: when you sleep with a man, you are eliminating the doubt that he wants you only for your body.Because if he stays with you after he’s gotten what he wanted — you can be certain that he sees you as something more.
By way of a concrete example: let’s say you have hot twins, Amy and Betty. Amy subscribes to Strategy #1 and Betty subscribes to Strategy #2. Both of them have 100 suitors, 50% of which are only out for sex and the remaining 50% out for love (and sex). Over the same period of time, Betty will suss out the 50% out for love a lot faster than Amy can because the latter has to spend time engaging in the motions of pre-sex courtship. And now that Betty knows who actually likes her for who she is, it’s easier for her to find the One. And she gets great sex once in a while. (Second digression: to be good at sex, which is never a disadvantage in conquering men, you must have a lot of sex.)
If, like me, you subscribe to Strategy #2, the benefits are great, but so are the emotional ups and downs. Like I said, it’s all hyperoptimised — dating on hyperdrive. You have sex earlier, determine their real intentions earlier, and eliminate potential prospects faster; in other words, the refractory period is shorter, haha. But two things remain unchanged: the amount of love you give and the inevitable emotional turmoil that comes with a severed connection. It’s going to hurt, and it’s going to hurt often. It boils down to whether you believe the frequency of emotional turmoil is worth it. I believe it is — if it means I’ll find the one for me earlier, so I have more time to spend with him for the rest of my life. As they say, you can’t achieve great things without risk. (And yes, I am very serious — I have eliminated a man in three days and am on track to dropping another one by tomorrow night.)
A final note on sex: do what you like la. But my rationale is that a steak can look amazing when presented to you, but you’ll never know how it tastes until you’ve chomped on it. And in life, we don’t go to restaurants to stare at steak. But of course, you have to like steak in the first place, which (1) you’ll never know unless you try, and (2) by the way, many people enjoy steak — haha!
As always, may you find the love you deserve. There’s someone out there for you, whether you have sex with them before marriage or not. LOL
Some ideas for subsequent posts (feel free to recommend)
If any guy is still here, maybe I’ll write a post that breaks down the girl’s perspective? I don’t know. Do I want to give my mortal enemies more ammunition? And sometimes, I don’t feel like I have a woman’s mind anymore. It’s fun thinking like a guy (#1.5).
The post that started it all. Reading this again makes me laugh because it demonstrates my point that people fundamentally don’t change. I mean, look at these iconic quotes from 2019 me:
“I enjoy oversharing about my life to the discomfort of others, though I should really know better. Either way, you’ll get my irrelevant opinions on all sorts of issues.”
“If you think I don’t have any [haters], you’d be surprised — I am so popular it pains me. I can’t even sin in good conscience anymore.”
This post was the first example of what I would become most well-known for among my juniors — reviews and advice relating to my academic pursuits. And my wit, of course.
One of my purer self-expressions at the time related to the paradox of online authenticity — a recurring issue in my life. The dilemma in summary: being “real” online necessitates sharing negative experiences and potentially controversial opinions because that’s real life. However, doing so could lead to adverse consequences, mainly: (1) it might not be good for your reputation in a hypercurated online environment and (2) your disclosure could be weaponised against you.
(1) is more rooted in insecurity than anything else, but (2) is a real concern. Someone reported me to my superiors when I was a student leader because I allegedly made an inflammatory comment online.
The only thing I learned from that affair then, unfortunately for the instigator, is that some people have such uninteresting lives that they can only spend it attempting (and failing) to drag others down. But I’ll admit that the experience helped me learn to criticise in a way that convinces audiences while the targets can’t do jackshit to me. (-:
I only resolved the dilemma after going through therapy: now, I share whatever I want without concern for others’ opinions. The value that I create and the way I treat others is testament enough to my character. If you can’t see it, that’s on you and not me x
2020: the liberal feminist (ironic) era [16 posts]
Self-explanatory. Interesting in the sense that men do not only represent an outlet of emotional and sexual fulfilment for me (god, if only I could choose otherwise), but because the concept of manhood defined my psychic development as a woman. Freud would be proud.
A chauvinist triggered me to write this. The post is noteworthy because it demonstrated my propensity for conflict and polemics. I’m more selective with my battles now because I’m better able to distinguish what’s worth my time.
But my desire and ability to put men in their place will never die.
Trivia: named after a popular shoujo manga I read when I was younger.
This is the post I am most well-known for. I wrote it because it is what I would have wanted to read as a junior. The support I received motivated me to keep writing; it might be part of the reason I am still posting today.
This post marked a breakthrough for me because it was the first time I actively sought help for my depressive symptoms. It was formative in terms of my journey as a mental health advocate.
Trivia: did you guys know I got into trouble for this series (the mental health logs), because someone didn’t like what I said and reported it to someone with authority over me? I got away again, of course (see the pattern here?), because 1) I can and 2) people are delusional to think that they can police my non-political opinions in our fair and free society.
I have had a long troubled history of insomnia since I was an adolescent (it’s gotten a lot better in 2024, though). I paid doctors hundreds of dollars to confirm what I already knew. Speaking from experience: if you have a sleep issue, also get your mental health checked out — the two are inextricable from one another.
More political commentary. The feelings I experienced when I posted this and when I saw the response to it solidified my commitment to write until I die.
Being single and encountering a bunch of men made me have Many Thoughts about the nature of love, dating, and marriage. So where better to organise all these thoughts creatively than here?
I would like to thank the men who inspired me because, hell, I was compulsively putting out banger after banger LOL. Sublimation is real, and I have lived it.
Embarked on this because I love self-improvement projects and gamifying my life. It’s not working out great because I clearly have impulsivity issues, but I’d be damned if I wasn’t having fun.
Another banger of a series (a little bit of disclosure: I was lovesick. I might still be. But I wouldn’t worry, because it’ll all work out in the end.)
That was a sweet trip down memory lane. Happy 5th birthday, my darling blog! I love you.
I was recently invited to give a TED talk (where TED stands for Topical Extended Discussion here) by a clown. Of course, I have risen to the challenge.
I began with the intent to capture obsession but got sidetracked into operationalising interpersonal interest instead. Oh well, still a worthy contribution to society.
A brief primer on terms used in psychometrics (the art of measurement in psychology). Since I have repeated this to my students ad nauseam, I might as well lecture my fans too.
A concept/construct: the phenomenon you want to understand. Usually a “big idea” that needs further definition and explanation. In this case, interpersonal interest.
What does it mean to be interested in someone?
What are the characteristics that comprise interest? What are the central elements it must have, such that if they were not present, the concept would no longer be “interest”?
Operationalisation: to make a concept measurable. What are the observable signs of interest?
We must be able to see and measure these markers. For example, if thinking about someone is a sign of interest, we should be able to measure it somehow.
Example: count the number of times you think about that person in a day or the percentage of time you spend thinking about someone compared to others.
Things that are not measurable are psychometrically (and scientifically) worthless.
Example: the “energy vibrations” I send out to the universe when I am cursing men to dream about me. HAH
mrw I received this TED talk offer
Interpersonal interest: how much you’re interested in someone or vice versa. Contextualised to social media since that’s my panopticon playground and main site of research.
Now, the Checklist
Signs, in order of increasing intensity (0/absence = least interested, 5 = most interested). Checking off a sign higher on the list indicates that the lower signs have already been met.
Watching your stories.
The more stories you watch and the more you regularly check for updates, the stronger the interest. (If your defense is “I’m just scrolling”… don’t you have better things to do?)
Visiting your public platforms unprompted.
The preceding suggests they are taking the initiative to visit your profile (or blog, hehehe) without an external stimulus i.e. the action stems from an internal desire. Quite telling behaviour, if you ask me (I adore men who are obsessed with me).
Unprompted access to your profile is trickier to measure, but you can make logical deductions (my favourite activity). I wish I knew who read my blog, but it doesn’t matter because I delude myself into thinking that everyone reads it anyway. Delulu~ is the solulu~
Texting.
Obviously. The more frequent and initiated, the stronger the interest.
A step up from the above because it means that at least one party has initiated contact, hence manifesting the interest. But see the section below on power asymmetry.
By the way, DMs on Instagram are like a 2.5. We’re not really friends until we have each other’s numbers (and I’m not just saying this because it means you can then PayNow me).
Meeting in person.
Kind of an inevitability following 3 if the relationship is worth anything — see comments below.
Putting aside your ego for them.
Best illustrated with a negative example — persistence in effort despite being rejected. Imagine one of your best friends said one day that they wanted to end the relationship. If you would fly down to their place and cry at their doorstep begging them to take you back, that’s a 5.
Because it means you’re down so bad you’d put your pride down for another shot, even when the odds are against you. The relinquishing of pride, given its fundamental importance to one’s self-esteem, is the greatest compliment you can confer upon another.
We love that; I do. I’ve done it before, and I’ll always have a soft spot for those who’ve tried it with me.
Some comments
Before you rate them, you must pre-categorise people into romantic OR platonic interest.
If you can’t decide, default to platonic (if you have to think twice, you don’t like them enough — don’t waste their time!)
Being interested platonically does not necessarily mean I am interested romantically (fine: the “friendzone”). BUT if I am interested romantically, I am probably also interested platonically. So romantic is a sub-category of platonic.
3 (texting) and 4 (meeting in person) are the most intimately connected signs. The jump from 2 to 3 and 4 to 5 is comparatively large. Not that a relationship can’t be solid if it’s based entirely on text exchanges (the modern equivalent of a pen pal), but unless you have some extenuating circumstance (e.g. live on the other side of the world), there is no reason to not meet.
I detest 3.5 romantic prospects the most — those who linger in texting limbo but do not entertain further contact. They’re playing you, sis! You are a backup plan. DROP them like a hot potato, stat.
Only consider people 3 and above to be potential friends, 4 for lovers.
They’ve said that they love you over text but can’t seem to find the time to meet? They are asking for a small loan of $20,000, too? They are a LOVE SCAMMER.
If you meet a 5 and you feel 5 towards them too — keep them in your life as far as possible.
mrw cornering people i like
On power asymmetries
And now, class, a fun activity:
Identify someone you’re interested in.
Rate your level of interest in them.
THEN, rate — based on their past behaviour — their level of interest in you. Only look at what they’ve done: do not assume, do not infer their intentions.
Use the following formula to determine the interest asymmetry score: [their interest in me] – [my interest in them].
Examples (may or may not be taken from my past experience):
Someone acts like a 2 to me [their interest in me]. I act like a 0 to them [my interest in them]. 2 – 0 = +2.
Someone acts like a 0 to me. I act like a 5 to them. 0 – 5 = -5.
A positive score indicates that you have more power in deciding how the relationship will develop presently. A negative score indicates the power is in their favour. Higher scores = greater magnitude of asymmetry.
Any asymmetry calls for an attempt at rebalancing.
If you have more power (+): decide if their effort is worth matching.
If yes, match it.
If not, let them down easy. That’s the least you can do for them. (Except for players. Drag them to hell, babes.)
If you have less power (-): decide if they are worth your time and investment.
If yes and you want more, COMMUNICATE YOUR DESIRES.
If not, off you go for greener pastures, sweaty! We have no time for low-effort relationships.
That being said, you never know how someone might respond to you in the end. (People might really be watching my stories simply because they are interested in observing hypomania in the wild, or because I’m super hot, and NOT because I’m a complex person with deep feelings and thoughts and great music taste. Sigh)
And the scorecard now does not mean it will always be the same; people and contexts change. In particular, based on my past experience, the power dynamics in intense relationships (another favourite of mine) are always fluctuating. Is that stable? No. But is that fun? Absolutely.
Finally, we manifest that we will only settle for 5-5s.
Well, class is dismissed; I hope you enjoyed it. My DMs are always open to new ideas! x
The spiritual sequel to How to Lovebomb. Obviously, written as a joke — or is it? (cocks head)
The Thingamajig Strategy (by love bomber): (Accidentally) leave something smol behind at their place.
How/why it works (for the love bomber): A physical object reminds them of you. It creates an excuse to initiate contact, passing the responsibility to do so to them as in a delicate cha-cha routine.
Counterstrategy (for the lovebombed person): Throw the thing away — unless it’s a wallet. If so, retrieve the money and then throw it away. If they really needed it back, they’d ask. If they really wanted to see you again, they would initiate.
how you’ll sleep after getting rid of things that don’t spark you joy
TheCasper Strategy: Ghost them on chat but watch their stories obsessively. Don’t forget to like the stories where they’re super cute or you think allude to you.
How/why it works: Ghosting someone traps them in self-doubt preoccupied with what they did wrong, even though the problem stems from your inability to communicate like an adult. Kick them while they’re down by liking their stories on Instagram regularly, which bumps you to the top of the viewer list so they can’t ignore you even if they want to. It’s all power play, my friends, a perverse one once deconstructed.
(Effective for chronically online people who primarily rely on Instagram as a source of validation. But not effective for those who have a horde of fans to account to if they make questionable decisions.)
Counterstrategy: DON’T block them from watching your stories; no, enjoy the attention! DO block their stories from your feed, so you live in their mind collecting rent while you pay none. Then, go on to live your best life, whether you post about it online or not. Remember that YOU are the bourgeois and THEY are the proletariat.
this could be us but u ghosted me.
The ReincarnationStrategy: Reappear in their life by DMing them out of nowhere after a prolonged period of presumed death.
This strategy has two variations, each inversely proportional to the confidence or sympathy you wish to leverage. (Neither matters.)
Confidence route: provide no accompanying reason at all: simply audaciously announce that you desire to see them again.
Sympathy route: supplement the request with an explanation that you have been through some trööma that regrettably caused you to be unable to, again, communicate beyond the level of a three-year-old.
Pick the first variant if you’re insecure and the second if you’re manipulative. This strategy creates a virtuous loop with the ghosting one. You meet, die, reincarnate, and then die again! It’s an absolutely infallible combo. I recommend it 10/10 for clowns.
How/why it works: It throws the recipient off-guard by making them wonder if you have been thinking of them all this while. If they’re so over their head that they forget that you could have contacted them any time in between but chose not to until it was convenient for you (because they are ultimately a substitute), it could seem kind of romantic. In a world where we convince ourselves we don’t owe each other anything, it’s easy to confuse any casual act for affection. Lover beware!
Counterstrategy: Laugh in their face and move on. If you give in, oh well — we all have to binge on fast food occasionally because what is life without sin and a little indiscretion, even if you get a stomachache later. Just don’t make it a habit.
this photo isn’t even thematically related anymore. it’s just funny
The Promising Strategy: Make promises you have zero intentions of following through with.
Why/how it works: Empty promises lead to expectations, and the most powerful longing always concerns things that could have happened but never did. It’s inverted regret — a nostalgia for something that could’ve been, which could have been anything.
Counterstrategy: This one involves a radical change in your philosophy but will transform your life so drastically you’ll never look back. Hold on tight.
There are NO exceptions to this. NONE. Intentions mean absolute jackshit until they are realised. Whatever form they take on before realisation does not matter. It might as well not exist. It never existed. (TIL I’m materialistic without the -ic.)
If they believed you were worth it (immaterial), they would show you (material). If they claim to miss you (immaterial), they will meet you (material).
We can go further. A text telling you they miss you means nothing if they do not schedule a date to see you again. A kiss means nothing if the relationship is never defined (a “situationship”) and you are not cuffed — made “material” through accountability to others or bound by a physical contract.
We can argue that a text and a kiss are material since they occur in reality. But that is irrelevant because it is overshadowed by the immaterial intention behind the action that we project onto those we so desperately wish would love us.
The intention means nothing, even if they imply it, especially if you infer it.
Realise that we can never accurately capture the meaning of the present moment — the full picture only emerges in hindsight when the future has happened so that we can contextualise the past with it. You can immerse yourself in the now and feel it all, but that still doesn’t imbue it with any meaning outside your feelings. For an intention to be real, it must be manifested.
The past, present, and future cannot be considered separately in determining what is real and meaningful. Hell, even if it was real, it might not have meant anything. Maybe this is the logic that my pragmatic fans follow — did you really love them if you were never serious about them?
Naturally, you could argue that an intention could be real and meaningful, just that the person seems to be acting differently because you are mistaken about their intention. For example, if you’re only interested in sex, you only do booty calls. That’s perfectly congruent and reasonable if both parties are on board.
But the whole reason games exist is that people struggle to be upfront with what they want — worse if they do not know what they actually want. Then, everyone is in for a ride, and all intentions can go to die.
We can only establish if someone is sincere about you through the two elements of continuity and consistency. In other words, action and commitment, over and over, like the sea waves crashing into the shore for eternity, until death do us part.
—you will find someone who will love you, who sees you as a person, who is attracted to you; who will choose you, and continuously choose you.
my bestie (if everyone had a love like this there would be no divorces)
In short, words are just words (suddenly, I realise what my love language is not). You telling me I’m your favourite or that you respect me means nothing. I don’t care. You either prove it, or none of it matters — saying it is just performativity. You don’t have to say anything; I already know.
Intentions alone mean nothing. Promises mean nothing.
Perhaps even this blog post has meant nothing. But I hope it is at least marginally useful for my fans in helping them sieve out people who deserve them and people who don’t. God willing, considering how much time I’ve wasted on playing games, I might as well help people save some of theirs.
Know your worth, and the rest will follow. Whatever you give, you will receive in turn, good and bad.
– x, baby g, who loves you always (and has hopefully demonstrated it)
Bonus:
we accept the love we think we deserve.
my other bestie (quoting the Perks of Being a Wallflower)
I drink a lot of milk tea. When I say “a lot”, I mean that across the 108 days that I’ve tracked my beverage intake so far, I drank milk tea on 57 of those days. Yes, diabetes is hurtling towards me at lightspeed (I have a will in my blog drafts). Anyway,
LATER: Will make an excel sheet to organise the list below.
Rating system:
1/5 = disgusting, didn’t finish 2/5 = blargh will not drink again, struggled to finish 3/5 = OK, fine, might not buy again 4/5 = mm mm good will keep it on my roster 5/5 = all-time fav, unforgettable, fantastic, scrumptious, magnificent, top-tier,
Standard order/quirks:
70% sugar, less pearl, normal ice.
If no black/golden pearl, no topping (white pearl does NOT cut it!)
I drink only milk tea, specifically jasmine/green milk tea. I stand by the belief that a milk tea brand can be judged exclusively by how good its green milk tea is. I will die on this (diabetic) hill.
I like sweet, flowery, and milky stuff.
If it has peach, I am already there.
Now for the brands, arranged in some general order of preference. Limited Edition = LTD
Chagee (now Amps Tea, and then Chagee again, it’s all over the place) – their drinks make me wanna dance like it’s Saturday night. They don’t have black/golden pearls, but I love their teas as much without.
Osmanthus Oolong Latte: 4/5 – I could drink a litre of this and still beg for more
White Peach Oolong Latte: 5/5 – I could hook this up directly to my body like an IV drip and still beg for more
Jasmine Green Tea Latte: 4/5 – one of the better jasmine milk teas on this entire list, sweet and flowery
Seasons Oolong Tea Latte: 3/5 – decent but pales in comparison to the others from this brand
Camelia Latte: to try – my friend recommended it
Nuobei Tea – the Sinicised version of Chagee/Amps Tea, if that was possible
Peach Oolong Tea Latte: 5/5
Jasmine Green Tea Latte: 5/5
Green Grape-Lychee Green Tea: 4/5
No. 17 tea – makes diabetes seem like an afterthought
Jade Green Milk Tea: 5/5 – when I tried this I knew that no matter where this brand goes I will follow like a devoted dog crawling on the floor, begging, whining
Snow Peach Oolong Milk Tea: 4/5 – AUGH (trembling) so good
Snow Peach Oolong Latte: 4/5 – love this, but realised jade green milk tea was superior (and milkier, despite this being a milk latte)
Peach Yakult Green Tea: 3/5 – fixed sugar level, too sweet, and that’s coming from ME
Peach Milk Cap: 3/5 – eh not as good as the others
Roasted Brown Sugar Pearl Milk Tea: 3/5 – ok ok only I am at a loss for words because it really isn’t all that. If I wanted a good brown sugar milk tea I still think of Tiger Sugar (where are you baby)
Koi – the longest-standing pioneer. 50% is often better with their LTD/experimental drinks
Green Milk Tea: 4/5 – can’t go wrong with this OG King, but loses out to No. 17 / Amps’s equivalents overall
Peach Green Milk Tea: 4/5 – 50% is perfect
Honey Milk Tea: 3/5 – decent alternative for people who want something in between green milk tea and “traditional” milk tea, basically, people who cannot make up their mind
Vanilla (Green) Milk Tea: 4/5 – tastes like (yummy) flowers will get this once in a while for kicks
Vanilla Four Seasons Milk Tea: 4/5 – dials back the flowery for the tea. I recommend getting one vanilla GMT and FSMT with your friend and sharing it. Milk tea together just tastes better!
Peach Four Seasons Milk Tea (LTD): 3/5 – too sweet(!), strange
Peach Oolong Milk Tea (LTD): 2/5 – another peach but somehow I don’t like it… everything tastes wrong in an artificial way
Lychee Milk Tea (LTD): 3/5 – fragrant but too sweet; can’t taste the tea
Peanut Butter Milk Tea (LTD): rare 1/5 – what were they thinking
My brother, the peanut butter connoisseur: “The peanut butter is Skippy but mixed with milk tea tastes like Shitty” he’s right
Mango Four Seasons Milk Tea (LTD), 50%: 3/5 – the verdict that my friend and I submit is that Koi wants to be experimental, but they’re better off sticking to the classics. This one tastes like mango sago, but where is the tea? Also, we got 50% but it was sweeter than my 100% sugar White Peach Oolong Latte from Amps. How do they determine their sugar levels? My gut feeling about men is more accurate.
Yakult Green Tea: 4/5 – if I was on a milk ban, this would be a good alternative
Lychee Black Tea (LTD): 3/5 – Again, I only drank this because I was on a milk tea ban. It will not happen again. But it was alright.
3Seasonstea
Peach Oolong Milk Tea: 5/5 – Sumptuous stuff — I was drinking it exclusively for weeks at one point while hammering out my thesis. Their sugar is light but lingers on the tongue (a sweetener, maybe?) My custom order, breaking from the usual: more sugar, milk cap/foam, crystal jelly instead of black pearl.
LiHo – I’d say I’m too good for them, but I drank it weekly at school anyway
Jasmine Light Milk Tea Cloud(LTD?): 4/5 – I actually LOVE the cloud concept and there’s this wonderful lingering taste but WHY IS IT NOT SWEET??? I ASKED FOR A 100%!!! Still think about this one sometimes though.
Gardenia Light Milk Tea Cloud (LTD?): 4/5 – I ASKED FOR A 100% AND I HAD TO ASK FOR MORE!!! I HAD TO ASK FOR MORE!!! Would drink again with extra sugar though.
Green Milk Tea: 3/5 – Not that great, but it’s the only drink I’ll accept pudding topping for
Money Money Light Milk Tea Cloud (LTD?): 4/5 – Glutinous rice-based. Not bad at all my friend treated me to this and then I downed 75% of it (we were supposed to share) sorry HW hope you like the necklace though ❤
AtTea – naming a whole milk tea brand after yourself is such a power move
Jasmine Milk Tea: 3.5/5 – lovely in a subtle way, but not enough to become a regular rotation
Pink Meteor 945 (50%): 3/5 – My friend got this, of course — I’m not that adventurous. Has pomegranate and guava in it? A nice drink to share, but not to drink alone.
iTea – your friendly neighbourhood bbt store
Green Milk Tea: 4/5 – light on tea but great on milky taste + bonus point for their insane value of $2.50 (free pearls!!!). Literally the only thing I drink at iTea like I have FILLED their loyalty cards with this alone
PlayMade — strong USP with their pearls, but their tea quality is unremarkable
Osmanthus Oolong Latte (w Cactus Pearl): 3.5/5 – my guilty pleasure, but starting to pale in comparison with the other brands
White Grape Milk Tea (w White Grape Pearl) (LTD): 4/5 – a big dopamine hit. The white grape pearls are a BOP. Better at 50%; it’s saccharine sweet
White Peach Oolong Milk Tea (w White Peach Pearl) (LTD): 3/5 – taste encapsulates my evaluation of PlayMade – I’m excited about what it could be until I actually try it…
Each A Cup – your friendly neighbourhood bbt store, II
Jasmine Milk Tea: 4/5 – This one tastes like meeting an old friend… time passes, you meet new people, and you forget about them gradually, but when you encounter them again, you remember why you loved them
Gong Cha — credits to this for being the only brand where you can taste some semblance of actual tea in their milk teas
Pearl Milk Tea: 3/5 – my daddy’s favourite. You can actually taste the tea in this one!
Peach Oolong Milk Tea: 4/5 – honestly, not bad at all. It’s milky, sweet, and has the aftertaste of tea.
Chi Cha San Chen — interestingly, low on the list (I’m not a tea purist)
Osmanthus Oolong Tea + Mousse/Cream, 100%: 3/5 – nothing wrong with it, there’s just better (milk) teas out there
Osmanthus Oolong Tea + Mango: 3/5 – I feel like you could order this from your Kopitiam aunty and she would grin and say “ok 美女” and it would cost $2? LOL
Osmanthus Oolong Tea + Passionfruit (50%): 3/5 – as sweet as the mango version because of the syrup they use. Review same as above
HeyTea — the closest thing to milk teas from Shanghai (those are really good btw)
Pure Aqua Green Jasmine Milk Tea (DISCONTINUED): 5/5 – absolute perfection. I remember the first time I drank this — I was irreversibly altered. They literally lost a customer (me) for discontinuing this. I strolled into an outlet one fine day, delirious with anticipation. I nearly screamed when they told me it was gone, and I walked out. I have never bought from them again. Let me know when they put it back on the menu, though.
Milksha (COLLAPSED) — goodbye
Wheat Milk Tea: 2/5 — YUCKS!! That is all
Green Milk Latte: 3/5 — Ehhh this score was foreshadowing that it would close down
categorised into the 5 love languages, but it doesn’t actually matter — only intention combined with action means anything, and everything else can be ignored (including what you say).
you’re welcome. if this helps you land someone, just send me a wedding invite telling me i don’t have to pay for the angpao.
gifts
buying her stuff. a little trinket will do; it doesn’t have to be expensive. it’s not the item but the concept of i thought about you on a random day at a random moment (because i’m thinking of you all the time) and so i bought this for you. accept my love? please don’t buy her a bikini — it’s not about you, and your taste is probably NOT it anyway !!
sending her a Spotify playlist of songs that you think encapsulate her aura (there is nothing more intriguing than finding out what people think about you in the looking-glass self sense)
sending her $1000 without notice (great way to make her text you first)
bringing her to Sephora/Lululemon and telling her “my treat”
compiling a list of all her likes, dislikes, things to remember, but never let her see it (-;
physical touch
holding her by the chin, eye contact, and calling her “my princess” NO LAUGHING !!!
kissing her eyebrow, nose tip, and jaw, but not on the lips until she kisses you first
kabedon (i will not elaborate)
holding her finger in public (i.e. you should always be standing by her side and not in front).
by extension, appropriate PDAing; touch her hair or lean on her shoulder whatever idc DO SOMETHING
hugging her protectively in front of your friends casually while everyone is having fun or involved in an activity like playing mahjong. not to draw attention, but because it’s the most natural thing in the world…
acts of service/validation
taking photos of her when she’s not looking
taking photos of her whenever she wants you to (read: all the time)
posting pictures of her on your Instagram if you think she’ll like it (i had an era where i put a boyfriend as my dp and everyone thought i was a handsome man)
helping her carry her stuff without her asking. she has a baby pink handbag smaller than your face? real men rock that shit !
letting her win the competitive games you play together, then telling her how amazing she is
words of affirmation
introducing her to your friends as “my babygirl” at social events (who cares if it’s cringe, it’s your world and others are just living in it). my brother has a good opener — when he shares pictures of his girlfriend he always asks “pretty right?” the answer is yes king always !!
sending physical postcards to her when u go overseas. you don’t even have to write much, just like “i miss you” or “met a clown and thought of U” or “saw a waterfall, but yours is better”. remember to indicate the date so she can collect them ❤
aggressively liking her ig stories and commenting on her posts like Yoo Teo does to his wife. this has a dual function of telling her you are obsessed with her and also asserting your dominance as a partner to the audience – all very sexy in evolutionary terms
when she yaps about something, dropping your phone, paying attention, and practicing active listening (e.g. “really? wow! you’re so funny! i didn’t know that… what did you do next? and what did they say? that’s so crazy… i wish i was there. that’s why i love you, sweetheart”)
quality time (these are just date ideas that i wanna do, might as well right)
lying in bed and reading your journal entries to one another (you read yours, she reads hers) – nothing is more intimate than this
picnic date where you play chess together and debate strategies over prosciutto and cheese
watching a movie/drama together and taking a shot when something stupid happens. explain the joke. then mess around… of course
staring into each others’ eyes in silence for four minutes (legend has it people fall in love like this)
invert and you can do the same to a guy
caveat emptor
you should be dating her, not stalking her
she should like you back… and not as a friend
final note: if you think you’re being love-bombed, read this. the difference between a love bomber and someone who actually loves you is that the former is in it only for the thrill, while the latter does it because YOU deserve it. again, everything comes down to intentionality…
baby g’s diary 