Tag: love

gwyn’s guide to hyperoptimised dating, #3 (knowing thyself)

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in this series: #1 (#1.5) | #2 | #3 (#3.5) | #4 | #5 (#5.5) | #6 | #7 (#7.5)

Alright, ya clowns, we are so back because I just submitted the first draft of my thesis. Good riddance! In letting it spread its wings, I, too, flew here immediately.

In this episode, we do the preparatory legwork before we jump into the battlefield.

Huh? Not dating yet? Yeah. Don’t get yourself all tangled up. Fail to prepare, and prepare to fail.

We will cover two aspects: knowing thyself and knowing thy enemy (as an extension of #1).

A necessary caveat to protect my readers’ feelings because I care for you: all of this is my own opinion. I am critical by design because because criticism is the way to improve. I fully acknowledge I may be wrong, and I might change my mind in the future. If you don’t like what you see, you don’t have to read it; set your own boundaries, or others will do it for you. But interestingly, if you experience a sting, it’s probably because you see yourself reflected herein.

oo wee (gee)!

Knowing Thyself

To know yourself and conquer the battlefield, you must be able to confidently answer two questions:

Who are you, babygirl? And what do you have to offer the market?

The Rationale

I mention figuring out what you have to offer. Now, I am all against self-objectification (I deal with enough from men daily. Stop DMing me from your damn anon alt-accounts or I will jolly well block you. This is my FINAL warning; stay in your place). But if love is a game, marriage is a market, and you are ultimately a commodity on auction. You define your own value, but you will still be subjected to market rate considerations. Nobody will pay for you if you act like you’re all that but have no concrete value.

Men (and women) can smell when you are all style and no substance. My second date told me he had met a girl who was “all talk and no show”, and his evaluation of her was “arrogant”. Ugh. I cringed internally for her. I would hate to be her; the prospect terrified me. I’m sure it’s the same for you. (That being said, what does it matter what others think of you? There’s no one to please when you play by your own rules.)

The point is that you need to be realistic and pragmatic about what you really are. Again, reducing ourselves to objects in the style of Carousell — bless that hellhole — you need to set accurate prices to find buyers. If you want to reach a class of buyers (the “elites”) that can pay a lot and are willing to, you have to be worth a lot in the first place.

And it’s not that hard to align yourself when you see things as they are. Think of it this way: when you underprice something on Carousell (as I did once), the messages come in a tsunami. When you overprice it, that item sits in your storeroom for years. Only when you find the sweet spot can you start pruning the buyers genuinely interested in making a transaction. On a dating app like Hinge, the logic is similar. If you present yourself authentically, you won’t have a shortage of likes from people who are interested in you as you are. But if you’re inauthentic or booooooring, you won’t be attracting “elite” buyers — which I assume is what you are seeking.

the bar gets lower everyday

Note the emphasis on as you are. Many buyers are out there, some of which are “elites”, but that does not mean they are a good fit for you. Sure, we got a snazzy, tall, handsome, rich man out here for drinks (story below, keep reading), but he looks at you condescendingly and only wants to sleep with you. Are you going to accept that? It’s you we’re talking about, you know. You’re so much more than an item on sale. Respect yourself.

The Process of Becoming

You must first know what you are and be willing to do the shadow work to get there. The fundamental question is: do you see and accept yourself as you are?

The easy questions

  • What are your goals and dreams? Where do you want to be in a year, in five years’ time?
  • What are your hobbies?
  • What are your strengths?

And so on. These are simple questions to answer but are nonetheless crucial because where you want to go will determine what kind of partner you’re looking for. In other words, they help you piece together your key considerations and dealbreakers.

Here’s mine after I did some self-analysis. It’s not the full version because why would I reveal myself so fully to the public (yes, I am being sarcastic). I’m just putting it here because I wrote it in jest, but it works well enough.

If he does the following, I would die for him
(inclusion criteria)		If he DOESN’T do the following, he can go away x (exclusion criteria/dealbreakers)
Read REAL books regularly (yes I am gatekeeping)Read my blog and tell me how much he loves my art
Actively listen (stop using your damn phone)Act BE obsessed with me 24/7/365
Communicate his thoughts and needs (a defining feature of a secure man)Plaster pictures of me all over his phone and social media profiles
Practice ACCOUNTABILITYText me first, politely, stating his intentions clearly
Have big dick energyLike me for more than just my hot N sexy body
Hmm. It’s quite close to what I actually want.

But life’s not all flowers and sunshine.

The harder questions (the real shadow work)

What are the flaws that define you? More importantly, are you okay with them?

A fantastic example from yours truly: my emotional intensity (often confused with “volatility“, which I will never stop yapping about). Tl;dr I feel emotions to an extreme degree, ostensibly more so than others experiencing those same emotions. Let’s say the same nice thing happened to us today, and we are both happy about it. While you might experience it as a 7/10 in intensity, I’m probably a 9/10. It doesn’t seem like an issue (ignoring my hypomanic antics) until I have negative emotions like sadness and anger. When I’m sad, I’m really sad, like 9/10 all the time. And when I’m mad — haha. Like they say, hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.

  • I don’t want to get into this further because it’s irrelevant to the discussion, but to put it simply and for my own closure, I don’t believe I’m more intense than the average person. I think people have this mistaken impression because (1) I can articulate my emotions clearly through writing, and (2) most people are not as keen on expressing their thoughts as publicly as I do. But just because you don’t see someone’s emotions doesn’t mean they’re not feeling it.
  • And because I feel this strange need to defend myself again, I no longer vent my negative emotions on people. I put them in places for me. And if my friends need distance from my evil space, they are always welcome to step away from the room. It’s not their problem unless they care.
  • Finally, consider this: what is a flaw, socially speaking? In contexts like social interaction with infinite possibilities, virtually any personality trait could be perceived as a strength as much as a flaw. I discuss it as a personality flaw in finding a husband because it repeatedly emerged as a dealbreaker for prospective men. But I doubt it is a flaw otherwise. If you took this part of me away, I would be an empty husk; I would no longer be the Gwyneth adored by my family, friends, and fans.

But that’s enough digression. Suffice it to say that I have accepted my emotional intensity as essential to my identity or how I view myself as a separate individual (yay, social psych!). Once I came to terms with myself, I could easily identify and eliminate those who would not help me grow. It is OK if they do not accept me; I am whole as I am. I will find someone who will accept me and walk by my side.

And that’s the beauty of it all, I guess: when you accept your flaws, they are no longer flaws.

The Consequences of Becoming

Okay, story time. I posted Instagram stories about this immediately after it happened (see highlights > Unhinged), but I’ll do a short recap because there are so many things to take away from it.

He was the fifth man I met since the Hinge era. We’ll call him #5. He invited me to drinks at this fancy bar. We did not text much prior to meeting. But his ELO score was so high that I threw caution to the wind (a mistake, as we will see). Essentially, this guy was maxed out on his educational attainment, job/income, height (perfect 180cm, supposedly), family background, and musical/sports skills. And he was handsome to boot. His profile was so absurd that when I saw it in my matches, I was like, babygirl’s in the big leagues, baby.

But here’s the thing: I had a gut feeling I was not enough for him. I texted my friends shortly before meeting him, quote in verbatim:

tbh he prolly just wants to sleep with me. i’m not wife material for this kind of level (i am not putting myself down. i am realistic). and i wouldn’t mind but actually i would. i not feeling it tonight

Why? We had nothing in common. Not education, definitely not income, ignore height, family background unclear. I was interested in engaging in some of his hobbies, but I was not there yet. I had not yet become what he was. In other words, there was an absence of connection.

So iconic. Anyway, I left the house knowing that I would return intact. (Note the link between connection and sex.)

Lo and behold, as God willed it, I was right on the dollar. I did not feel safe around this man and it stayed that way throughout. He wasn’t actively posing a threat to me, no, but I could feel my body unconsciously rejecting him. When he asked to hold my hand, and I put them in his, my arms literally strained to pull away. When he casually put his arm around my shoulder, I had to fight the instinctive urge to lock my body. (Another funny detail: he told me he had already had dinner. I was like… oh. Now that’s new. Talk about hyperoptimised dating; even the meal is eliminated!)

We did have a single moment when we genuinely shared a laugh, but it was not enough. He told me at the end that I was not what he was looking for. I was like, OK, taken aback, but I understand (all according to keikaku).

And… I don’t think I’ll sleep with you tonight.

When those words left my pretty mouth, he demonstrated the elite equivalent of a seizure. His eyes widened almost imperceptibly (what is this, Wattpad?), and he froze in his seat, tilting his head at me like I was some alien. I stared back at him, confused… starting to understand. He was so confident he could bag me based on his conditions alone that he had not anticipated failure.

Then we went downstairs to return to our separate homes. And we were settling our last goodbyes when he suddenly stepped forward to be closer to me. I flinched and backed away. I had to reiterate that I did not intend to sleep with him. And he looked at me in that way again, with that perplexed, distant gaze, indicating his inability to comprehend how a woman (who did not feel safe with him) could possibly not want to sleep with him. By this time, I already knew that he was not honest about his intentions insofar as he did not admit them — sealing his disqualification, sexually and emotionally.

He then got into the cab, and I was left standing there dazed as if I had emerged from a chess game.

He won the game, but I won the war, I guess.

real clown-to-clown communication moment

And yes, true to his fine upbringing, he texted me to thank me for my time with good grace afterwards. But even his text was de-rizzed, like he had deflatedly realised his place. I had excised the ego from the man. I reciprocated and then wiped the chat.

(He told me not to write about him, by the way. They all do. I don’t care.)

Apologies for the exposition. To circle back to our main point, when you know what you are and what you want, you can break any man’s ego. Sorry, I mean, you’ll be able to find the one for you way more efficiently.

Knowing Thy Enemy

Speaking of finding the one for you —

What do you want, babygirl?

You need to date to know what you want. If you don’t know what’s out there, you don’t know what’s good for you. It really is that simple. If you think you know what you want without having dated anyone, you’re probably relying on societal assumptions to define what you want. If that works for you, go ahead, but your chances of suboptimal outcomes are higher.

But there’s a hidden rule here — you attract what you are.

A man from my past reached out to me on Hinge. I was amused, so I replied, but he was never in the running. Not because of our history but because he couldn’t even figure out what he wanted from a relationship (as his profile indicated, not my assumption). OK, so you want to fuck me? Then say it like you mean it, and I’ll decide. (I had decided in advance: no.)

If you are confused, you will attract a confused person. In my humble opinion, that is a colossal waste of time because I am looking for a HUSBAND. However, I’m all for it if you guys can align on your confusion and collaborate to work it out together.

And that’s the kicker: even if you don’t know, you have to know that you don’t know.

Hence, we come full circle to knowing thyself.

Marrying (haha) the Two

To me, love is about finding the ideal partner while being the ideal partner. Thus, as I reiterate, work on yourself before you get out there. A relationship is a project, and you need to pull your weight. Any self-respecting person would expect their teammates to do their part, so why should you be exempt? You might have gotten away with it in your studies, but do you think the dating circle will be this forgiving? If you want to love, be ready to give yourself completely.

Knowing yourself and knowing your enemy are concepts that kind of reciprocally influence each other, but the first is paramount.

When you know and accept yourself, everything else will come naturally.

in this series: #1 (#1.5) | #2 | #3 (#3.5) | #4 | #5 (#5.5) | #6 | #7 (#7.5)

gwyn’s guide to hyperoptimised dating, #1.5 (sex and love: the hunting ground)

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in this series: #1 (#1.5) | #2 | #3 (#3.5) | #4 | #5 (#5.5) | #6 | #7 (#7.5)

In this exercise, we invert the gendered rule of sex before love:

Men do not sleep with women they are interested in on the first date.

Now, we apply this to ME (you).

If I sleep with a man on the first date, it must mean I am (you are) emotionally ready to disqualify him permanently. To see it through is to certify with a seal that I do not expect to see him again, and I’ll be fine if I don’t. In fact, I must expect to never see any man that I sleep with again if we do so before any binding commitment is made. I ate him up and got what I wanted; that’s a full hunt completed.

They took what they could, and so did I.

If they do not want more, neither shall I ask nor desire.

Don’t turn around, don’t blink twice.

This does not mean I view men as “prey”. I’m not delusional (I think, haha). I respect them as human beings like myself. We are equals; coercion is never involved (or the police will join the party).

But I will reciprocate how they treat me. Some men (not all) act like this is a game and women are prey to be devoured. There may be no coercion, but there is always persuasion and manipulation in human relations. They think that if they go through the motions and “play the game right”, women will willingly fall into their arms — and they don’t even have to commit.

But there are no free lunches in this world.

They think they’re the hunters; they don’t realise I own the hunting ground.

And on these grounds, babygirls — contrary to my tagline — love is not a game.

in this series: #1 (#1.5) | #2 | #3 (#3.5) | #4 | #5 (#5.5) | #6 | #7 (#7.5)

gwyn’s guide to hyperoptimised dating, #3.5 (becoming, #3)

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in this series: #1 (#1.5) | #2 | #3 (#3.5) | #4 | #5 (#5.5) | #6 | #7

A dual post because it was only a matter of time before all of what I’ve written would come together. To love and to date is to find yourself, and when you find yourself, you will meet the ones for you.

It’s #3.5 on the hyperoptimised dating series because the content is an extension of #3, which I haven’t yet written. But it will come soon.

These two weeks have been a huge test for me — of my will. I’ve learnt so much so quickly that even my core beliefs have been shaken. Up to this point, I believed I should give my everything in whatever I do, whoever I meet…. but I can see why people are hesitant to do so now. I tried to hyperoptimise the search for love only to find that the thing I could not optimise in the end was myself. We cannot optimise love because it is not meant to be optimised.

Everyone I’ve met tells me I give love too quickly and commit too fully. I don’t agree, but they’re right about the consequences, which are very real.

Nonetheless, I’ve made a few observations that are fascinating to me and that my readers might enjoy.

First: people like to aim for things that are just beyond our reach — it’s pure instinct. But the divine irony of it all is that to be the partner of a person who is “better” than you, you have to be better than yourself so you “deserve” them. I do not believe people “deserve” or do not deserve each other; everyone deserves to be loved. But there are unbreakable rules in life, and this is one of them.

I realised that I’ve always “joked” about finding a rich man because I have been looking for a man to compensate for a part of me that I perceived I lacked. But there is nothing to compensate for. As Cher wisely opined, I don’t need a rich man; I am the rich man. I will become him. When I do, the rest will work it out by itself. Indeed, that is the mentality of the secure men I’ve met — they take their time and are stern with their boundaries because they always want better, better, better.

And why not indeed? I’ve been out for less than a month on Hinge and am already batting like crazy. But not only is it about where you’re at now, it’s about where you’re going. And I will keep growing; in a year, I will be more, and in two years, I will be much more. When you tend to your garden, the butterflies will come. When I become a rich (and hot) man, I won’t need a rich man anymore.

So, ultimately, this is not about men or potential partners I might have. It is about me. It was always about me; it was always about you.

Second and related: if you are serious about finding the one for you, you must first know who you are.

I suspect men are afraid of me. Because I am so intense and seemingly ready to do unhinged shit (it’s only unhinged because they don’t understand) that they realise that they cannot control me — and these men cannot accept a woman they cannot control. I think that’s the crux of it all in a relationship dynamic: it’s all about power. In short, weaker men cannot handle me, and they drop me such that I shatter on the floor. (Most men can’t even handle being told that they’re weak.)

That’s what the men really mean when they tell me I’m “emotionally volatile” or I’m “headstrong” or whatever to that effect. They’re all related. I saw it flash across a prospect’s eyes when we met for the last time as potential partners. I told him about my plans for the future, and he tripped thrice, so much that I asked him if he was doing it for theatrical effect. He did not say it then, but it was already a dealbreaker for him, and maybe he just wanted to see it through to the inevitable end.

This guess of mine will never be fully validated because they will never admit it is so. But I can see it anyway — I see it with the men in my past and the men I’ve met recently. I see it in the way they orbit me. My malicious side wants them to think, in those moments they watch my stories, why are you still here? But hey, since you are, watch me — I’m going to be the girl you could’ve had and will never have again because you didn’t know what you wanted. You were a part of my life and I’m grateful for that — but you were not meant to stay. I’ve done it before, and I’ll do it again.

But it doesn’t matter whether they feel the way I want them to. I might be completely delusional. It doesn’t matter what they feel anyway. They have their own lives and deserve happiness too.

I’ll just not be there to see it.

I am not emotionally volatile. I used to be, maybe. I hurt others; I regret it. And I will make mistakes. I can’t help it if I have thorns on my body that regrow even when I tear them out and I bleed because I didn’t want to hurt others when they came close. I must accept myself for who I am. I can only hope my friends will love me regardless — and I trust that they do. I too accept them for everything that they are.

My emotional intensity is not a weakness; it is quite literally my cardinal trait. People who say I’m volatile do not understand me in the way I understand myself. And I do not have the time to explain myself to them because we have other things to do. Let them think what they want. I will say this though: if I am emotionally volatile, then let the primary emotions I cycle between be joy and awe.

I will be brave, even if I must make it alone.

There are always “better” people out there. But they are not for you. You deserve someone who sees you as you are. When you realistically recognise your place, you’ll know where you want to be.

Will you stay or will you go? That’s up to you.

I have only met one man about whom I was completely sure from the beginning. And the reason was simpler than I had expected — he felt like home, where I was meant to be, as I was. I was so sure about my gut feeling that I’d have given him the reins if he asked. But he told me, as if he saw something in me I did not then, that I was too unstable for him.

And on reflection — indeed, I am. He could not handle me. That’s not on him; it’s not on me. We were just not meant to be. We live, and we learn.

So, as I intended, the man I end up with will be a brat tamer. And he won’t even have to tell me. I will know when we cross paths. He’ll love the challenge, and I’ll give myself fully in return.

We will not “settle for” anyone until I find someone who loves me as intensely and deliberately as I love him. He has to be like me. I am looking for a soulmate. With or without them, I am walking ahead at my own pace. If I don’t get married, hell, so be it; there are more incredible things in life waiting for me.

My priority is not men. It will never be men. It will always be me.

And we are going to live.

two islands

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when i think of love — i think of you and me standing, looking at each other. we are on two islands; there is a chasm between us, a torrid body of water so deep it bleeds into the earth’s core.

i’m dying to reach you: i could jump into the water, and if i’m lucky, i’ll wash ashore on your sands. but i start to wonder: would you do the same for me?

could we meet in the middle?

i return my attention to your eyes; your gaze has softened now. there’s still love in it, i know. but it doesn’t have the edge it did before, that absolute determination to swim or die trying.

you wouldn’t do it for me, would you?

you turn away to another island; i am left looking at you across mine, before i eventually turn too.

men i trust – seven

gwyn’s guide to hyperoptimised dating, #2 (he’s just not that into you)

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in this series: #1 (#1.5) | #2 | #3 (#3.5) | #4 | #5 (#5.5) | #6 | #7 (#7.5)

i am cursed to be a woman; i am cursed to feel. the problem is that i struggle to determine who really wants me for who i am before i fall. elite men or otherwise, it is undeniable that i am only a body to some of them. i fear the proportion is higher than i wish it is. […]

but my femininity is not a weakness, it is a strength.

to my friends, and for my fans now

Welcome back to Gwyn’s Guide to Hyperoptimised Dating, where dating (and love) is a numbers game — and we hack it to hell.

Oh, following feedback from a fan yesterday on post #1 (sex and love), I wanted to take this space to add something before we proceed. They raised a good point that some men need time to get to know you better before they decide if you’re the one for them. If you bypass the pre-sex courtship, then, it is likelier that the man might develop feelings for you and get “sucked in” (verbatim quote, poor men!). Therefore, you lose the bucket of fence-sitters if you sleep with them early on.

It’s a fair point and I don’t disagree. My answer is that this boils down to personal preference: are you willing to give the fence-sitters a chance? I’ve met men who knew I was the one for them — at least, at that point — from the first time we met, and they were willing to show me from the start. Do I want to settle for anything less? I don’t think so.

In Part 2, on special request by a sweetheart, we will discuss signs of interest and when to disqualify.

I hope the psychopaths who want me don’t read this, or I have to wrack my brain to discover new and innovative ways to determine if men are interested in me (beyond my body). GOD!

I would say it all boils down to a gut feeling, but I thought that one of them I met was the one and that went down the drain real quick. So out with the vibes, out with the delusions, babygirls. At least I caught myself instantly this time — clearly, the compartmentalisation practice is working out.

We look only at actions hereon.

What’s in a Date?

With shock and surprise, I realised retroactively that men (and women) who are genuinely interested in you will want to partake in your hobbies. Groundbreaking indeed.

mrw

As you all know, it’s Jazz in July, and I initially began only intending to find cute boys to go to jazz concerts with (before I got sidetracked by hot men… thank you, Jesus…).

There were, broadly speaking, only two types of responses I received:

  1. I don’t know much about jazz, but I’d love to try if you’re willing to have me 🙂
  2. I don’t like jazz; can we do something else?

How interesting, right? Now, you can argue that the second type of man simply knows what he wants. That’s okay. I love men who are honest and have opinions. However, note that there is less acquiescence on his part compared to the first response type. If you bring it to the logical maximum it suggests that he is less interested in what you like as opposed to what he likes.

It is not about what we actually do. It is about how we get there.

Still, one date is poor sample sizing; there is nothing to interpolate from. Yet we must do our best because we are hyperoptimising.

Hence, we look at what we do on the second date (if there is one).

When planning the date together, did they ask what you’d like to do? Are they at least suggesting things that meet in the middle for both of you?

During the date, are they asking about you? What do you like, babygirl? What do you want in life? Where are you going? What are your fears? What do you look for in a partner? …How can I love you in the best way I can?

Or are they talking about themselves incessantly?

Texting, Yapping, Quality Time, Whatever You Like

Again, being kind and giving the benefit of the doubt, a relationship is meant to be founded on compromises. One guy mentioned we could go to a jazz bar, which was nice enough of him.

Unfortunately, he proceeded to text me remarkably inconsistently, so I figured he liked someone else more, dropped him, and bumped up my next favourite (possibly one of my top 10 decisions this year). It’s a pity (I exaggerate) because his face card was fantastic, but more importantly, I knew he could love — he still has pictures of his ex from years ago on his Instagram! (He orbits me, by the way. If you’re here, hi.)

The above is an example of a universal truth. If they wanted you, they would text you. NOBODY IS THAT BUSY THAT THEY CANNOT TEXT YOU. DO NOT MAKE EXCUSES FOR THEM! Additionally, the critical element distinguishing an excellent communicator (look out for it) is that if they were really busy, they would take the initiative to explain why. An exemplar:

Hey babygirl, I’m so sorry for my delayed responses as I’ve been swamped with work. Still, please feel free to text me whenever, and I’ll do my best to get back to you whenever I can. Love you lots x

It really is that simple. If you don’t have the physical bandwidth to write that, then bloody hell, just copy the text above and send it to the person you care about. My god! Do I have to say this!

People who love you will always set aside time for you.

They will not ghost you. I hate that term; I hate them all. I was so ready to love you for who you are, and this is what you thought I deserved in return. Not even an explanation, but nothing at all. It’s fine though — as the Stoics say, we are entitled to nothing from other people; to have expectations of others is futile. To give yourself to someone fully, you must expect nothing in return. And we must let go; we must return things as they are to make room for more, for better.

Your room has limited space. Do not give chances to people who do not cherish your attention. In the game of hyperoptimised dating, you only have one shot, and you’d better make the best of it.

So, love boils down to a war of attrition, I guess. He who persists wins.

Don’t turn around and change your mind; we don’t have time for that.

me yelling at me to RESPECT MYSELF

Sigh. I have once again written too much. But here’s the devastating kicker: if they liked you, you wouldn’t need to worry about these at all.

They would do all of it in the first place because you’re worth it to them.

And that’s what makes me sad.

Bonus: A Love Letter to My Orbiters

If you didn’t know, orbiters are people who do not reply your texts but watch your stories anyway. I categorise them into two types: malicious or stupid orbiters. But that’s a discussion for another time.

Processing orbiters is as easy as 123. If they can watch your stories, they have time to text you. Therefore, if they do not text you, they are just not that into you. Thank you. Mute their stories and go and talk to someone else who will be happy for your love and attention. But I’m not complaining; the orbiter class of men is my guilty pleasure (I mute orbiters who matter to me from watching my stories). Ultimately, every orbiter is a fan, and I adore my fans.

But that’s all you’ll ever be. If you’re happy with that, I’ll be happy for you too.

P/S: I’m not a saint. I make mistakes too. I yap too much, and I’m too emotionally volatile (apparently). Sometimes I inadvertently hurt people. So if you want something from me, tell me, babygirl, tell me now.

I’ll give it to you, because you’re worth it.

And so we end, before I go:

i’ll find a life partner eventually. but the love of my life — it’s me. and it’s you guys, my friends, who accept me completely as i am.

to my friends, and for my fans now (cont.)

Love you lots, always. x

in this series: #1 (#1.5) | #2 | #3 (#3.5) | #4 | #5 (#5.5) | #6 | #7 (#7.5)

the little things

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  • a silly gift
  • minds in total sync
  • the moment before i fall asleep beside you
  • forehead and nose kisses
  • asking for nothing in return
  • a long hug, after a long time / the sound of your heartbeat
  • forgetting, being reminded, and always being forgiven
  • the gentleness of the rain, the wind on my face
  • a passing thought scrawled on post-it notes
  • dancing badly, singing off-key
  • lazy basking in the morning sun
  • hearing the belly laughter of my dearest
  • inside jokes, a knowing look
  • knowing i’m safe with you
  • knowing i’m unconditionally accepted
  • “i’m coming home soon — you want food?”
  • a whispered “good night”, a peck on the cheek
  • riding pillion after midnight
  • messing up my makeup, and accepting it
  • listening to my friends’ swashbuckling lore
  • aggressive, irrepressible journaling / blogging
  • “i read your blog recently”
  • books that make me think, poems that make me feel
  • candid photos of my friends that embarrass them (i’ll print them in time)
  • pictures in which we’re genuinely happy
  • warm showers and baths
  • the gentle lilt of my grandparents’ voices when giving me advice
  • our shoulders or limbs brushing against each other naturally
  • watching you sleep like a child
  • keeping a secret, just between you and me
  • the split second of vulnerability with a stranger
  • tracing the lines of your jaw with my thumb
  • combing your hair through my fingers
  • head pats, a smitten gaze
  • your scent
  • aimless walks, so we can be together a while longer
  • kindness — freely given, eagerly received
  • promises fulfilled
  • living like heaven doesn’t exist
  • realising everything will be alright
  • letting go
  • the inevitability of love

gwyn’s lay theory of relationships, #3.5

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in this series: #1 | #2 | #3 | #3.5

I saw this question on Paiseh Questions recently:

Another interesting thing is that a few similar questions were posted prior. All of them were fixated on women as the subject.

The answer distribution was interesting. It suggests that women do not give themselves completely to men until the latter have “proven their worth”, so to speak.

It made me wonder about my own answer. This post is my process of working it out.

Everyone deserves love — or so a humanistic therapist would say — although not everyone eventually deserves your love.

Not because reciprocity is expected, but because we have a finite capacity and must optimise where it goes. We must make calculated decisions about who we want to love and who we want to love more.

I wanted to believe I could love everyone the same, but I’m only human.

I was obsessed with you. I could beg you to pay attention to me and love me. But what for? I am chasing a mirage. You were never there; only my projected ideal of you was. Alone, I run, and alone, I am exhausted.

Or I could spend all that time that would have otherwise been spent pining on reconnecting with myself and the world. Even redirecting my focus to someone else would be a better idea — someone whose eyes will glow with affection when I am reflected in them and who has a fanatical, absolutist certainty about me. Repeat ad infinitum; such is the search for love.

If I think you’re worth it, of course, I would love you. But I cannot give endlessly without return.

Unrequited love is worthless — yes, not merely useless, worthless. Sure, feel your feelings and all — I understand — but all it ultimately is is a limbo that torments the indecisive. You must move forward. Either cross the suspension bridge to heaven and risk falling or leap straight into hell from where you stand. It will be terrifying for a while, but you will always land, which is a certainty you will never receive from the object of your affection.

The unknown is a critical variable in this. The law of probability is immutable — there is something better out there. Stay or leave for more.

With unrequited love, always leave. You owe it to yourself.

All that being said, would that have stopped me from loving you in the first place?

I bought you a gift before I realised that we had already met for the last time, a decision you made unilaterally for both of us and which I enforced. That’s okay; I’ll use it from now on. I will eventually forget it was ever for you: time is cruel to the ones who are loved but kind to the spurned.

So, my perhaps unexpected answer to the question (given the preamble) is: I will give you everything I have because I am, I was, ready to love you. I don’t believe in withholding love, though I do believe in withdrawing it upon reflection. If it’s not what you’re looking for, I will give it to someone else. I might break, but I will live, recover, and thrive in time.

I hope you do too.

how to counteract love bombers

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The spiritual sequel to How to Lovebomb. Obviously, written as a joke — or is it? (cocks head)

The Thingamajig Strategy (by love bomber):
(Accidentally) leave something smol behind at their place.

How/why it works (for the love bomber): A physical object reminds them of you. It creates an excuse to initiate contact, passing the responsibility to do so to them as in a delicate cha-cha routine.

Counterstrategy (for the lovebombed person): Throw the thing away — unless it’s a wallet. If so, retrieve the money and then throw it away. If they really needed it back, they’d ask. If they really wanted to see you again, they would initiate.

how you’ll sleep after getting rid of things that don’t spark you joy

The Casper Strategy:
Ghost them on chat but watch their stories obsessively. Don’t forget to like the stories where they’re super cute or you think allude to you.

How/why it works: Ghosting someone traps them in self-doubt preoccupied with what they did wrong, even though the problem stems from your inability to communicate like an adult. Kick them while they’re down by liking their stories on Instagram regularly, which bumps you to the top of the viewer list so they can’t ignore you even if they want to. It’s all power play, my friends, a perverse one once deconstructed.

(Effective for chronically online people who primarily rely on Instagram as a source of validation. But not effective for those who have a horde of fans to account to if they make questionable decisions.)

Counterstrategy: DON’T block them from watching your stories; no, enjoy the attention! DO block their stories from your feed, so you live in their mind collecting rent while you pay none. Then, go on to live your best life, whether you post about it online or not. Remember that YOU are the bourgeois and THEY are the proletariat.

this could be us but u ghosted me.

The Reincarnation Strategy:
Reappear in their life by DMing them out of nowhere after a prolonged period of presumed death.

This strategy has two variations, each inversely proportional to the confidence or sympathy you wish to leverage. (Neither matters.)

  • Confidence route: provide no accompanying reason at all: simply audaciously announce that you desire to see them again.
  • Sympathy route: supplement the request with an explanation that you have been through some trööma that regrettably caused you to be unable to, again, communicate beyond the level of a three-year-old.

Pick the first variant if you’re insecure and the second if you’re manipulative. This strategy creates a virtuous loop with the ghosting one. You meet, die, reincarnate, and then die again! It’s an absolutely infallible combo. I recommend it 10/10 for clowns.

How/why it works: It throws the recipient off-guard by making them wonder if you have been thinking of them all this while. If they’re so over their head that they forget that you could have contacted them any time in between but chose not to until it was convenient for you (because they are ultimately a substitute), it could seem kind of romantic. In a world where we convince ourselves we don’t owe each other anything, it’s easy to confuse any casual act for affection. Lover beware!

Counterstrategy: Laugh in their face and move on. If you give in, oh well — we all have to binge on fast food occasionally because what is life without sin and a little indiscretion, even if you get a stomachache later. Just don’t make it a habit.

this photo isn’t even thematically related anymore. it’s just funny

The Promising Strategy:
Make promises you have zero intentions of following through with.

Why/how it works: Empty promises lead to expectations, and the most powerful longing always concerns things that could have happened but never did. It’s inverted regret — a nostalgia for something that could’ve been, which could have been anything.

Counterstrategy: This one involves a radical change in your philosophy but will transform your life so drastically you’ll never look back. Hold on tight.

The principle: no intention is real until demonstrated in action.

There are NO exceptions to this. NONE. Intentions mean absolute jackshit until they are realised. Whatever form they take on before realisation does not matter. It might as well not exist. It never existed. (TIL I’m materialistic without the -ic.)

If they believed you were worth it (immaterial), they would show you (material). If they claim to miss you (immaterial), they will meet you (material).

We can go further. A text telling you they miss you means nothing if they do not schedule a date to see you again. A kiss means nothing if the relationship is never defined (a “situationship”) and you are not cuffed — made “material” through accountability to others or bound by a physical contract.

We can argue that a text and a kiss are material since they occur in reality. But that is irrelevant because it is overshadowed by the immaterial intention behind the action that we project onto those we so desperately wish would love us.

The intention means nothing, even if they imply it, especially if you infer it.

Realise that we can never accurately capture the meaning of the present moment — the full picture only emerges in hindsight when the future has happened so that we can contextualise the past with it. You can immerse yourself in the now and feel it all, but that still doesn’t imbue it with any meaning outside your feelings. For an intention to be real, it must be manifested.

The past, present, and future cannot be considered separately in determining what is real and meaningful. Hell, even if it was real, it might not have meant anything. Maybe this is the logic that my pragmatic fans follow — did you really love them if you were never serious about them?

Naturally, you could argue that an intention could be real and meaningful, just that the person seems to be acting differently because you are mistaken about their intention. For example, if you’re only interested in sex, you only do booty calls. That’s perfectly congruent and reasonable if both parties are on board.

But the whole reason games exist is that people struggle to be upfront with what they want — worse if they do not know what they actually want. Then, everyone is in for a ride, and all intentions can go to die.

We can only establish if someone is sincere about you through the two elements of continuity and consistency. In other words, action and commitment, over and over, like the sea waves crashing into the shore for eternity, until death do us part.

—you will find someone who will love you, who sees you as a person, who is attracted to you; who will choose you, and continuously choose you.

my bestie (if everyone had a love like this there would be no divorces)

In short, words are just words (suddenly, I realise what my love language is not). You telling me I’m your favourite or that you respect me means nothing. I don’t care. You either prove it, or none of it matters — saying it is just performativity. You don’t have to say anything; I already know.

Intentions alone mean nothing. Promises mean nothing.

Perhaps even this blog post has meant nothing. But I hope it is at least marginally useful for my fans in helping them sieve out people who deserve them and people who don’t. God willing, considering how much time I’ve wasted on playing games, I might as well help people save some of theirs.

Know your worth, and the rest will follow. Whatever you give, you will receive in turn, good and bad.

– x, baby g, who loves you always (and has hopefully demonstrated it)

Bonus:

we accept the love we think we deserve.

my other bestie (quoting the Perks of Being a Wallflower)

gwyn’s lay theory of relationships, #3

gwynethtytLeave a comment

in this series: #1 | #2 | #3 | #3.5

Humans commit to one another based on considerations of potential. They assess a prospect’s suitability and commit if they decide the arrangement is satisfactory.

Assortative mating comes into play here.

  • You date people you think are “in your league”, or if you’re lucky, you think are out of your league. Despite this, objectively speaking, if they like you back in the long run, they’re in your league (because they feel the same way about you — they think you’re good enough for them). So don’t be insecure about yourself, okay, babygirl? And watch out for lovers who regularly put you down — it’s not you, it’s them.
  • Ever heard of the ELO score on Tinder? That’s what’s operating here, except that Tinder is the World Wide Web (Offline).
  • Your ELO score comprises different dimensions: physical attractiveness/sex appeal, intelligence, wealth, health, humour, “personality”, etc. People differ in their preferences on those dimensions, although universal trends exist. Example:
but note many people don’t know what they really want, or lie to themselves. You and me included.
  • Naturally, idiosyncratic preferences exist. For example, I like simps. (Wait — who doesn’t?) Random disclosure from me because I love to overshare, and I want to remind everyone to know your worth: I permanently disqualified someone recently because he acted like he had no time for me. Huge landmine he stepped on. Well, so be it. You can play games with me… if you’re ready to lose. (Like, I said I would be okay if my partner had little time for me, but you can read my blog but not text me? Then you can stay a blog reader, thank yew.)
    • The preferences are gendered. Universal example: men prioritise physically attractive women; women prioritise high-status men. So, you are more likely to see a rich older man with a hot younger lady than the opposite.
    • The preferences are culturally influenced. Anecdotal example: sexual prowess does not rank highly for a lot of people in Singapore versus some other Western nation where hookup culture is more prevalent (I don’t even need to be specific; that’s how little sex we have. I must go.)
  • A relationship between two people who differ significantly on one dimension can still work out if that dimension is less important to the party who is higher on it. Hence, the “ugly funny guy gets the boring pretty girl” because looks > humour for him, humour > looks for her. You get the idea. On average, their ELO scores even out.
    • Lay theory prediction: the longer a relationship lasts, the more objectively similar the couple’s ELO scores are. A relationship with partners with discrepant scores is less likely to last, and the one with the higher score (delusional or not) tends to withdraw first. But even the delusional one will eventually be knocked back to reality through trial and error feedback — the only constant in life is the law of large numbers.
    • The best way to get an idea of your ELO score is to look at your long-term partner (or the kind of people you attract). If it still doesn’t add up… one of you has a self-esteem issue.

People commit based on potential. They stay committed for different reasons.

Impett et al., 2001

The investment model of relationships (Rusbult, 1980) predicts that commitment is determined by three factors. The more satisfied you are with the relationship and the more invested in it, the more likely you are to stay committed. The better you perceive your potential alternatives (other people in “your league”), the less likely you are to stay committed.

Some relevant concepts:

  • Sunk cost fallacy. An economist’s favourite. You’re unhappy in a relationship — but because you’ve invested so much into it, you might as well stay. Consider prospective and opportunity costs instead, which is what you lose by staying. Then again, I still can’t let go of my Sea Ltd stocks. So don’t let me tell you what to do.
  • People who claim they’re “dating down” are lying (and to themselves, too, if they lack self-awareness). You’re staying because you think you couldn’t get a superior alternative if you tried. If you genuinely believed you were dating down, your staying is irrational, meaning there is more to unpack there. Note that these evaluations are inherently subjective — just because you think you’re dating up or down doesn’t mean others will agree.
    • The lesson here (for me) is that if you want to assess your compatibility with your partner, don’t ask yourself. Ask your friends. Ask your parents. They might be biased, but they’re less biased than you.
  • The higher your ELO score, the better your quality of alternatives. That’s why hot guys can afford to play around. I’m just waiting for it to be acceptable for hot girls (joking — I don’t care).

Personal exposition (love and naïveté)

Men in Singapore are looking for stability. At least, an overwhelming number of men I’ve met are like this (same for women, where there is even less variation). My observation is definitely age-contingent, though. Guys are looking for girlfriends at 20 but wives at 30.

I was baffled for years about the preoccupation with stability, but I might be starting to see the light. Love’s great in itself, of course, but it is not enough in the great Pragmatic Nation of Singapore. People want love to lead to concrete outcomes, such as marriage, a BTO, and, most importantly, in the grand scheme of things (driven by a force beyond our control), children: the continuation of our species.

And why not, indeed?

Objectively speaking, the above are not inevitable outcomes of love. A counterpoint, however: maybe love — romantic love in particular — evolved to perfection precisely as an instrument to ensure these outcomes happen, over and over again, across humanity, and beyond time. That is, love was designed to lead to stability. Rather than being choices, as I hypothesised in post #1, they are merely two points on the same line headed in one direction. You either realise that love is to settle or stay naïve.

So, love is not enough.

Maybe I am naïve. I don’t really care. I’ll panic when I’m 30, I guess. Even if singlehood and living in a henhouse with my girls is my destiny, it’s not as if I’ll be loved any less. Put that on the record: it is what it is. Do what’s good for you.

Stay loved, and don’t fret, my darlings.