2024 is over (I mourn the unhinged girl I left behind)… so it is time for an accountability report.
I’m embarrassed that the “incompletes” list is longer than the “completed” one, but maybe life is supposed to be like that — one’s gotta want more to do more. Besides, I completed the most important thing I set out to do: my thesis. (Were you expecting “finding a man”, huh??? Were you???)
Learning point: many of the incompletes are moving targets that cannot be satisfactorily completed once and for all (e.g. cleaning my room, which I DID, okay) — subsequent iterations should be worded with more concrete outcomes. I have no excuses for the concrete ones I didn’t do, though.
So… I’m leaving the incompletes up in hopes of embarrassing myself so much that I’ll do them in 2025. Though not everything, I’ll carry some over to my 2025 resolutions list. The new year’s always a good time to rethink our priorities regarding the kind of lives we want to live. I can be sure that my true self is reflected in the things I did, but not necessarily in the things I didn’t.
2024 was awesome, especially in the middle. It was exhilarating to just exist. I’ll miss those days.
I hope 2025 will be just as magical.
Originally published 24/2/24
COMPLETED *bolded: stuff i really enjoyed
Struck out = done [completed date, comment]
Setting myself up for Success
Finish and submit thesis
Financial reconsolidation [Nov]
Clear debts
Emergency fund
Try side hustles: tutoring
Duolingo [streak: 468/500 goal, I accept my persistence]
“Hobbies”
100k on blog [Jun] | 120k on blog [Nov]
Finish 12 books [my read of the year is Antifragile]
Commit to pilates [53 classes in 2024 – not bad if I say so myself!]
Post 12 iconic reels (once a month) [exceeded and wiped, except for crowning glory]
Purge social media pages following (what you follow shapes what you are)
Tongue piercing [Feb: I love the way it hurts a little]
MORE tattoos [self-expression is an expensive hobby]
Devils dancing [May]
Gladiator gal [Jun]
Engage with the woo-woo by visiting a numerologist [he said I wouldn’t find someone this year, but then again I’ve never listened to a man]
Attend 5 concerts/musicals [total: 8]
Li Ronghao’s Free Soul (rating: 5/5☆)
Lin-Manuel Miranda’s Hamilton (4☆)
Hacken Lee’s 《弦续李克勤》 (5☆)
Dua Lipa’s Radical Optimism (4☆)
Jazz
Alina Ramirez Trio (3.5☆)
MAD LABS 3.0 (3.5☆)
Jazz @ The InterContinental (4☆)
Seeds and Flowers (3☆)
Travel [total: 6]
Bali
Batam
JB
Genting
Tasmania
New Zealand[SKYDIVED!!!]
Cleansing and organising
Purge problematic men [Jun: so true babe]
Elimination load exercise [Dec]
Eliminate non-value adding activities
Consolidate all ongoing commitments
Deactivate Motion and transfer data to Notion
INCOMPLETES
Cleaning and organising, but the boring kind
Spring cleaning
Work area [?]
Bookshelf and misc items area
Purge wardrobe and replace with babygirl vibes
Wear every single piece of clothing I own (shirt, shorts, socks, sleepwear)
Compile clothes and donate
Get chair professionally cleaned
Clean mahjong tiles + buy new excellent quality playing cards for good shuffle
Clean up electronic devices/files
Clean up phone
Apps
Chats
MacBook and Google Drive files
Clean up photos
Organise Notion completely
Transfer all notes from phone to Notion
Clear candy
Purge blog, retag all posts, standardise categories/tags
Projects
Sleep by 4am every night, wake up by 11am every morning (+/-1h) – 80% of the year [I don’t have to crunch any numbers to know that 80% definitely was not attained]
Make Monumental happen (by Dec 2024) [70%]
Data transcription
Data analysis
Build programme
Run programme
Execute events
Write blog posts [oof… what happened to My Passion…]
Reflections on grad school
Tips from a TA
Analyses on my Ultimate Life Tracker
Volunteer weekly [8 sessions total… shame]
Balance bonds and stocks portfolio
Apply for 50 overseas jobs/education
Side hustles
Write for an online platform?
Learn R coding / other data presentation software
Hobbies
Dance classes [I went for 1 class, at least – we’ll get there]
Improve Japanese to N3 level
Register for intensive group classes after graduation
Get better at pool [# practice sessions logged: 5?]
sometimes, on the verge of oblivion, he kisses my forehead absentmindedly, whispering i love you. and then he falls back asleep with one hand clasping my arm; he does not wait for my answer.
Extension of #7 — and I think there will be more, unfortunately (Kopi Date is in trouble!)
On Commitment
To commit to a romantic relationship is to pledge yourself to someone, possibly for life. You are investing your already limited time and energy into someone else and a relationship.
The implications of this decision are enormous:
It is an opportunity cost (the loss of total control of your time, of the opportunities to date others, of a particular flirtatious kind of freedom, etc);
It dramatically raises the potential for sunk costs: for young people, we are trading what might be the best years of our lives for the inherent uncertainty of love.
As such, commitment cannot be careless; it is a decision that must withstand interrogation.
I’m not interested in why we commit — philosophers have done that better — but rather how we can most effectively determine who to commit to from a selection pool.
As You Are, As I Am
My man accepts my “wild” side (if “society” deems it so, I guess; who is to say what?). This includes my past (debauchery galore) and my online self — which, really, are only slices of a whole.
It’s funny because some people consider me uncontrollable; they assume so from my public persona. Perchance. But anyone who reads this blog consistently (is that you?) should know I am compulsively logical. He recognised this, somehow. In contrast, the men who preceded him either did not make this vital connection or, even if they did, decided that the deal wasn’t worth pursuing.
Maybe he saw something in me early on that the others couldn’t. Or he just happened to be mentally resilient (or unhinged) enough to decide that the pros I brought to his table outweighed the cons.
Either way, he understands that I am more than what I display on the surface.
And so, he gets to eat cake: he gets my good, reasonable, controlled side.
Yes! I’m not that crazy around him in person!
First, I am pretty emotionally stable around others out of respect for them (surprise!; I learned over the years. Sorry to my exes, though, really!…).
Second, because he keeps me grounded. One time, I spilt wine on my keyboard. He hardly blinked before offering to buy me a new one. Another time, it was his turn to spill something, to his mortification. I didn’t get mad because what would be the point? I focused on scouring for cleaning agents instead…
domestication is a funny thing
It’s a circular problem: for someone to trust and show you more, you must believe they are more — even when they haven’t fully revealed themselves. I believe that this ability to trust someone before the fact is the solution to the “dating problem”; it distinguishes secure (and successful) daters.
I don’t typically expect people to give me so much benefit of the doubt.
But he did, and that’s why he won.
Power Dynamics
Power permeates everything, including relationships. What kind of power dynamics do you like? Equal, less, or more? There are no right or wrong answers, but it says much about you and what you seek.
The taming of the shrew
Remember the astrologist who interpreted my brattiness as “taking an anti-authoritarian stance to test the authority of the people around me to determine who I could trust”? (Huh? Many word for simple concept.)
Yes and no.
I do act bratty to mess around with others, and it’s my default mode because why not? It’s fun watching y’all squirm.
By the way, I don’t test authority for the fun of it. I challenge people and environments only when I think there’s room for improvement (or when they are WRONG!). I just seem testy all the time because well, I think many things can be bettered, including myself.
But I’m more than willing to be mellow with the people I care about.
That’s what taming a brat really means. Contrary to popular belief in the style of predators like Andrew Tate, you don’t tame a brat by asserting your dominance over her through force or Master/Alpha roleplay nonsense. The more you try to dominate, the less power you have because it reveals your insecurities (and on god, men have so many insecurities).
You tame a brat by meeting her at eye level — by respecting her as an equal. You do not choose; you are chosen.
And that’s what he and I are = equals, or so I think. He does not look at me like a hunter. What we have is not a game; it is a partnership.
Equality in partnerships
If you start off looking for a partner as someone you can control, you will find them — but the two of you will start with an imbalanced dynamic that corrupts all you are.
But here’s an interesting thought: I suspect everyone (secure) fundamentally seeks an equal partnership. We just don’t see it clearly sometimes.
Consider the following. I want equal emotional contribution, for sure — for him to love me as much I love him. But I’d be happy if he was financially dominant (and why wouldn’t anyone be, including men with richer wives?). No shame in acknowledging I have always wanted a man with a provider mentality; it’s how I was raised (I love my daddy darling), and I don’t see an issue with it.
Considering my self-sufficiency, I recognised this desire was silly, but no epiphany precludes the joy of being provided for. I enjoy it because I see it as an act of love. And he’s willing to show me love that way because it makes him happy. That’s what it boils down to, finances and future prospects aside — an alignment in giving and taking.
domestication, ii
Now you might think I am self-contradicting: what is all this talk about equality if you want to have your cake (him to give equally emotionally) and eat it too (him to give more financially)? Wait la.
The second thing is that power dynamics fluctuate across domains. Emotional contribution, social dominance, and financial status can differ widely in a relationship.
If time is money, and he gives me money, then I’m willing to give more of my time. I’m more than happy to manage the household — such as buying things to make his life easier before he even realises he needs them, or making our home a welcoming place for him to return to. And please don’t say that it’s so much easier to manage a household; just look at men in their dormitories.
The above example just happens to be gendered, as all things inevitably are, and as some people unfortunately cannot distinguish from actual inequality like the second shift. If I were working the same hours as him, he’d better be cooking, cleaning, and babying too. Or goodbye!
If he buys me a cake, I feed him with it. That’s how equality is achieved in a relationship — it happens when all domains are holistically integrated.
Feelings of trust and safety
Your body is excellent at putting together things that don’t add up. It’s so good, in fact, that it can do so way before your mind ever gets to it.
That’s why sometimes you have a nagging doubt that you can’t explain until later with the benefit of hindsight. The mind is fantastic at rationalising, which is to explain away inconsistencies with logic.
But your body can’t because it doesn’t “think” similarly. When your body senses a problem, it will force you to confront it every night when all the world’s distractions have subsided, and you’re left alone with your thoughts.
me being disappointed @ disappointing men
I will note that with my man, I sleep like a log in his arms. I feel safe. Sounds dandy and all but safety takes work to get to before your body will accept it. It entails a subconscious recognition that in this moment, you have given whatever you are willing to, and they have reciprocated in kind. It doesn’t mean there are no longer secrets, but you have accepted that what you have right now is enough.
There are even gradations to this. For the love of excessive detail, I can rank how safe I felt with men based on how my body responded when we slept together (non-sexually). I will go as far as to say your feelings when you lie beside someone are an accurate snapshot of your feelings towards them.
Level of safety
Sleeping behaviour
Snapshot assessment
None
NA – I am sleeping alone. Goodnight!
Stay away from me 🙂
Little
We may sleep side by side but not touch each other. I stay wide awake for a long time — if I even fall asleep in the first place.
I feel empty, and his presence almost makes it worse.
Medium
I might hold his arm or something at most. I take a while to fall asleep.
I’m undecided about him. His presence is cool but not necessarily value-adding to my life (or sleep).
High
He wraps his arms around me, and I nestle my cheek in the crook of his neck. I fall asleep quickly and sleep soundly through the night.
I feel content. What we have is good enough.
It’s also about inferring your partner’s intention and deciding if it works for you. When I intuit that a man is just there for my body, in the sense that he has no care for me as a person, my physical self instinctively recoils. I can’t stand the thought of touching him, much less falling asleep around him.
So, despite my mythical ability to compartmentalise love and sex, even I only slept with men I trusted at the time. Not necessarily as potential lovers, but at least as another human being who seemed to respect me (and found me hot). Regardless of what you think, babygirl has standards, OK? I think to make any exception would be disrespecting myself.
That’s also why I don’t regret anything I did with them, even if I never want to be associated with them again. My acceptance is borne from trust in my past self — that she did what felt right, knowing what was appropriate then. Even if she did not make the best decision for me now, in hindsight, she could not have known the future; how can I blame her?
Consistency (and lovebombing)
Players, lovebombers, whatever
Early on — and let it be said that it is still early — I wondered if my man was lovebombing me.
it do be like that
My definition of a lovebomber is when:
They make premature proclamations of love. An essential criterion to catch a sinner, but insufficient.
Not a problem per se because time is relative. Who is to say how fast a relationship should and can develop? Sure, you need time to know someone, but do we make decisions based on all the available evidence? (If you think so, you’re wrong.)
I particularly detest men who make promises they do not keep. Your inability to follow through screams two things: 1) you lack accountability for your words; 2) you are careless with the trust that others put in you. Both are not even red flags; they are black. If you cannot fulfill a single promise made early on, how can I count on you for anything in the future?
This is also why in seeking to understand someone, you look at what they do, not what they say.
Suppose their actions line up with their proclamations for the trial period. Unfortunately, the test is not over; it will never be. The next challenge, now and forever, is consistency.
Consistency is key
I suspect that the most critical challenge all relationships face is consistency over time. Unleashing a barrage of sweet fawning in a relationship’s honeymoon phase is easy. Maintaining this affection over several years, after all the love dust has settled in the spaces between, is hard.
Maybe that’s why my friends told me not to give everything initially. Because once you show all your cards, you only have the option of withdrawing or persisting.
Barring major upheavals, love is most intense at the beginning. If you’re lucky, this love plateaus in time — giving way to consistency.
If you’re not lucky — it dies.
Good, bad, double-edged swords (are we bandits now?)
One thing I’ve learnt from my past relationships (and the advice of women wiser than myself, such as my Mami) is that where there is good, there will be bad. All traits in a partner are double-edged swords.
ah fight la fight
Fun examples:
If you want to date a hot girl who gives spectacular head, you must accept that she’s a little crazy and that you’ll never be able to fully control her.
If you want to date an “accomplished” and ambitious man willing to provide, you must accept that he likes to be in control most of the time.
My man likes to be the one ordering the food. Past me might have felt like my place at the table (?) was threatened. LOL. But we look at the bigger picture. Simply because he orders doesn’t mean my opinion is irrelevant. He always orders what I like and doesn’t tell me what to eat, ever — he merely informs the waiter on my behalf. And hell, if it makes him happy, why not?
Again, it’s all about give and take. I always want garlic kang kong for my veggie fix. But if we’ve eaten kang kong two days in a row, I’m happy to eat some potato leaves since I know he likes them more.
A relationship sails when you can tolerate the bad in light of the good.
You don’t really want any specific person. You want an idea of a person. You project your ideals onto potential lovers. If they fit that criteria, you will love them; you find that they’re enough; you settle. You are looking for the one, but it turns out there are many ones — that’s why you can move on and love again. It’s not the end of the world if someone doesn’t want you; you’ll find someone else, and you’ll love like you’ve never done before.
On commitment: ask, demand the very best you deserve, be willing to give in return, and you shall receive.
This post is dedicated to my future husband.
Happy Monthsary! The road ahead is long, but I hope we’ll make it together.
his cold jokes, his laughter, the crinkle of his eyes his kisses, his soft sighs, his arms wrapped around mine morning time, his goodbyes, the scent of his bedside
everything’s as it should be — doubtless, utterly divine
I wrote before that love is a little like falling asleep. To quote John Green: I fell in love like you would fall asleep: slowly and then all at once. Maybe somewhat faster for me because, after all, I am a hyperoptimiser: I knew he was the one by the end of our first date.
Why did I meet him? He likes jazz too. He’s the only one who genuinely wanted to go to a jazz show with me, not for me (observe how we came full circle). I made time for him because I sincerely wanted to connect with someone with the same interest. Wouldn’t it be fun, even if we didn’t work out? And I was right. He did not need to be anything he was not, nor did I.
Why did he “win”? There are a few things, but one turning point was when he held my hand. Huh, that’s it? Yeah. Because hand-holding is an emotionally loaded gesture. Before him, I had never held hands with any of the others outside of a sexual context. Men will tongue-wrestle you, hook their arm around your hips as you walk, or put their hand on your thigh (thinking they’re slick), blagh, but they will not hold your hand unless they’re ready. That’s love in its most intimate form, or so I believe. When he interlaced his fingers with mine, he was opening his heart to me: he was giving himself to me.
And so I did the same because I wanted to, for him.
Another one for kicks: some of my prior dates ended with the men saying I was enigmatic (??) or they were unsure about me (or gave me a hard no, which was superior, to be honest). They always had this distant look in the end… as if they were struggling to imagine how I fit into their future.
With him, though? At one point, I said, “if you’re so good to me, what if I beg you to see me again?”
He replied, without hesitation: “please do just that; I’d love it if you did.”
How did I know? When I fell asleep in his arms, the ocean was quiet: I did not dream. And yes, he felt like home. (The morning after, I wrote geometry.)
So yeah, nappeun yeoja, but this is it, LOL.
Babygirl’s retiring from the game; she’s had her run and received her prize.
yeah this was meant to be a semi-serious post until i got on pinterest
My Report Card, for Evaluation’s Sake
Dating period, where my first date with him marks the end: 1 to 18/7/24; 2 weeks, 4 days (Jazz in July isn’t even over, and we’re going again!)
Total # men encountered on Hinge: Lost count. LOL. Not important. I did review at least 200 men on Hinge; the night I cleared a backlog of 100+, I downed 18 shots and crawled on the road at some point I can’t recall. (On the bright side, I converted him the same night. And he took care of my bruises after. They’re almost gone!)
Total # men matched: 54
Total # converted to Telegram: 17 (i.e. 30% of matched)
Total # dates (“full conversions”) including with him: 7 — 4 met once, 1 met twice, and then him (i.e. 30% fully converted from Tele). Lucky seven, as he jokes. Lucky me. Can’t wait for the seventh time I see him. (Notice the # of this post in this series? And subtract 18 from today’s date. I love patterns.)
Kill rate (% of conversions I wanted to sleep with vs actually slept with): 100%, haha. A slut to the close-minded, an undefeated hunter to the players, a divine babygirl to him.
Total # of men (still) orbiting me: One too many. For their sake, I hope it eventually becomes 0 — either they upgrade to friends or move on with their lives.
We might not work out in the end — life has no guarantees — but I’m committed to making it work. (I mean, if it doesn’t, I’ll just rinse and repeat the cycle. I’ve established quite clearly that it’s effective for me.)
Even if it doesn’t, I know we’ll both grow. I just hope we can make it together.
That’s my promise to him.
(And no, don’t ask me about him. I will not share. I have overshared enough. He’s mine, as I affirmed even before we met. Haha!)
I was looking for love. In the process, I found it in myself. When that happened, he manifested into being for me, as if from a dream.
There might be “better” out there. But what does that mean anyway? To “hyperoptimise”, as was my goal from the beginning, is to find the best solution available given a fixed set of parameters.
We are not looking for perfection; it is unattainable. He isn’t perfect, and neither am I.
But he’s good enough for me as he is, and I’m good enough for him as I am.
And isn’t that what matters in the end?
me listening to him yap. (more like the other way around)
Finally, to all my dear readers: thank you for being here with me throughout. It really has been magical.
Meeting new people was the best thing that happened to me this year. There’s so much out there, so much to learn, so much to do. There are so many others like myself with their own stories, waiting to be uncovered — waiting to be loved.
Again and again — I hope you find the love you deserve. Be brave! Life will work out for you — it’s only a matter of time.
OK clowns we are back with another instalment hot on the heels of #3 (knowing thyself). Now that you know who you are and what you want, it is time to get out there and DESTROY your opponents.
me sifting through my knowledge stack
First, we will hyperoptimise our profiles on dating apps. Then, we will hyperoptimise the “pruning process”, that is, deciding who converts from dating app match -> texting. More in guide #5 later.
What’s in a (Good) Profile?
I only used Hinge, so we’re going to run with that. I didn’t use Tinder because hearsay it’s primarily a hookup app (not that I wouldn’t thrive there), avoided Coffee Meets Bagel because I was afraid people there were too wholesome, and that’s right — no Bumble for me because I don’t chase, I attract! And definitely no Kopi Date because men better pay to meet me, not vice versa. (I’m cackling lol)
Dating apps are exceptionally unforgiving environments; one swipe to the left, and you’re out for good. You only have one chance to impress, which will be determined by your profile.
So some tips based on my observations:
Every photo and every prompt response must illustrate a quirk that distinguishes you as a person from others. Hinge allows for 6 pictures/videos and 3 text prompts and lets you play around with voice recordings and polls, among other things. There’s so much room for experimentation! I have nothing to complain about on their end. But they can only do so much — more important is how you utilise this potential handed to you.
The point of a profile is to communicate information about you as a distinct individual. Hence, you want to use every weapon at your disposal to convince others that you are ✨ unique and special ✨.
Disclaimer: I accept that I have some pretty privilege (there’s no way around this; either I admit that I have it and I am perceived as self-absorbed, or I pretend that I don’t have it and I am perceived as fake). This pretty privilege shapes the way I evaluate and swipe. But if you look put together and you’re authentic, you’re already ahead of the game. Social perception is an incredibly powerful gift — humans make accurate impressions of others within 5 seconds about how extroverted, intelligent, and even responsible they are. Even on a dating app, if you look closely enough, you can quickly tell who’s secure and authentic — and who’s not. We run with what we have.
Some general recommendations across genders
In #3 I joked about “boring and cliche” people, but it is actually extremely difficult to be one. As long as you have any hobby — a niche interest you do for its own sake — you are no longer boring because you now have experiences that differentiate you from others. To really be boring, you must (1) not do anything remotely interesting at all, or you (2) cannot communicate your experiences in a way that allows you to connect with others.
But some hobbies are less niche than others. Like watching K-drama. Not that it’s not a valid hobby, but stating it does nothing to distinguish you from everyone else.
One thing that is NOT a hobby, by the way, is sleeping. Because LITERALLY everyone sleeps. For the love of god, DO NOT spend a precious prompt indicating that you like to sleep or cuddle. EVERYONE likes to sleep or cuddle. You’re better off saying you love to have sex, because at least you’d be admired as someone who has the guts to admit it.
See below for an example sent by a friend. I would be worried about being flamed, but I realise that this poll is so generic that the person probably couldn’t even identify it as theirs with confidence… and that’s the whole point.
my choice is no date.
Dog and cat pictures are OK (if you’re hot) (I’m joking), but they’re such an overexploited offering that they won’t help you stand out unless the pet is a defining feature of your identity (e.g., you are a cat dad).
This logic extends to everything, actually. If you don’t have some witty thing or niche hobby to include, go big or go home with some wild experience instead. You like films? Share that you binge-watched 8 films in a row and fainted. You like travelling? Share that you got ROBBED in Europe or lost your passport and was detained at the airport. Trump supporter? Please post a picture of you wearing a MAGA cap so I can swipe left and report you too.
Funny incidents. Recommended. One of my friends uploaded a voice recording of him (disguised as a news report) sardonically detailing how he got hit by a car and flung along the road. Now that’s a standout feature. I would swipe right for that alone.
Sports is good in general.
Y’all have no idea how many men I swiped for their pictures alone. Yes. I have no shame. I LOVE rugby boys; they look so intense when they’re ballin’ (screams unhingedly). I LOVE dragon boaters pumping it in the water. I LOVE men who golf — an uncountable number of men received requests from me to hit me with their sticks. Hell, you could post a funny picture of you struggling on a Pilates reformer machine, and I would laugh and swipe right. That’s the whole point — to entertain and to impress.
The same goes for girls. I am starting to notice a trend where I find that men are surprisingly willing to simp over strong and fit girls. It’s just embedded in our DNA to want fit people.
Oh, gym pictures and mirror selfies are mid, by the way. Because virtually everyone gyms nowadays. It’s about the sport, because it demonstrates a hobby.
Travel pictures/stories. OK if you’re doing something funny/exciting (shows you have personality and grit) or it’s an outlandish story. I do not care if your favourite travel destination is Japan. Scenic backdrops are OK if you have a lovely smile to accompany them, but use them in moderation.
Education. Intelligence reigns supreme in mating decisions, regardless of gender. This should already be covered by your demographic information. Still, if you really don’t have any other pictures to put, a picture of you in a graduation gown with your institution as a backdrop is an OK choice. Like, guy #5 had a pic of him at his graduation ceremony from a world top 5 uni (I cannot elaborate more in case I am sued) and yeah. He even took the time to kindly reiterate to me that he had lived overseas. Like we couldn’t tell, sir.
Voice prompts. The best voice recording is a funny one (e.g. bad singing or something subversive). There are no exceptions to this. You playing a musical instrument is a close second. And DO NOT WHISPER TO ME SULTRILY THAT YOU LIKE TO SLEEP OR THAT I AM A GOOD GIRL!!!!!!
Demographic information/ your preferences.
For Singaporeans, hide the following information: gender, sexuality, gender you’re interested in, hometown, ethnicity. They’re just clutter and add no value if you’re a normie (like me). But if you’re not a normie, indicate the aspects that would surprise a general audience.
Your religious and political beliefs. Important to state to sieve out people dissimilar from you (you cannot ignore their ugly heads for long, no matter how hard you try). If someone’s apolitical, they’re immediately out for me, no matter how good their ELO is.
Family plans. VERY IMPORTANT. Dealbreaker.
Your dating intentions and relationship type. Important. Don’t lie about it — you will waste everyone’s time. Most people seek monogamous relationships, so that’s not an issue. More interesting is dating intentions. I provide a layman’s translation below for the preferences.
Life partner = I WANT TO GET MARRIED AND I ROUGHLY KNOW WHEN.
Long-term relationship = I MIGHT WANT TO GET MARRIED, BUT I’M UNSURE WHEN.
Long-term relationship, open to short = I WANT A PARTNER, BUT I’M DTF.
Short-term relationship, open to long = I AM PRIMARILY DTF, BUT YOU MIGHT CHANGE MY MIND. DON’T HOPE FOR IT THOUGH!
Short-term relationship = I AM JUST HERE TO SMASH OR HAVE A SITUATIONSHIP!!! I SHOULD BE ON TINDER!!! WHY AM I HERE!!!
Figuring out my dating goals = I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I WANT. HELP! 🚩🚩🚩
Prefer not to say = AVOID ME AT ALL COSTS, BECAUSE I AM HIDING SOMETHING.
Assuming men prioritise physical attractiveness, all you have to do is show that you’re hot.
I didn’t put my bikini picture on there, but I’d probably have had more matches if I had. I did put my garter reel on there, and of course, it drove the boys crazy, even if they pretended otherwise. (I know you watched the video, even if you messaged me via another prompt.)
But note that being hot only gets your foot in the door. It doesn’t mean you’ll hold their attention. You also need some degree of personality (see above), or you won’t be wife material.
mm.
Men: have it a little harder
Assume women are looking for security in the form of a man (1) being able to provide economic and status resources, (2) offering physical protection, and (3) being willing to commit. You need to communicate these three aspects to be an ideal fit for a long-term partner.
Uniform (NS) pictures are particularly interesting because they are fundamentally about two things: power and by extension authority kinks. Being a high-ranking soldier always helps, but eh, there are many officers around so don’t expect it to build your case much. A guy did tell me he was a Captain, though, and that was mm, chef’s kiss. Nice. But he said I was too unhinged. And if you look like a daddy in your uniform picture, well? Throw it in, baby! Bonus for you, bonus for me.
Some picture of you doing a rich-looking hobby. You don’t actually have to be rich. Examples of rich-looking hobbies are diving, golf, wine, driving a BOAT, I am out of ideas. I know this sounds classist. But people are classist, especially in Singapore, whether they admit it or not. We’re just playing by the rules. But you don’t have to if you don’t want to.
Willingness to commit. Generally, women who are looking for LTRs avoid fuckboy-looking profiles because the vibe they communicate is “I’m a hot guy, I have choices, you’re in for a ride”. (This comes from someone with the same vibe on their profile.) I was more than happy to play along with a handsome boy who looked like one, though, because I trusted that he was looking for love. He proceeded to disappoint me. Sigh. Like I said, first impressions don’t lie.
attaboy
Now my friends (rubs hands) is the EXCITING PART!!!
That’s right — we’re critiquing GWYN’S HINGE PROFILE!!!
Observe: babygirl in the wild.
Alright. Let’s break down my profile based on the pictures and prompts in the order you see in the video.
Video #1 (garter reel): Got 200k on Instagram reels. Can’t go wrong. I think it works because of the surprise factor (someone told me it’s borderline flashing) and my knowing smile.
The poll (Hell’s Museum): Optimised to identify prospects interested in visiting Haw Par Villa, which seemed like a fun first date to me. Going to Hell, that is. Quite revealing of my personality.
The voice prompt: You can’t hear it but it’s me mispronouncing my name (in the style of Wahluigi) against the backdrop of video game music. I thought it was funny. Some people agreed.
Text prompt #1 (Jazz in July): Specifies a relatively niche music genre, jazz, which I love. It sieves out people who are open to new or similar interests. (I return to this in guide #7; it was a surprisingly pivotal prompt. Also, going back to guide #2, it effectively showed me who had a genuine interest in my hobbies.)
Demographics. Note the omission of non-critical information.
Picture #1 (phone booth): Simply because I’m smiling authentically. I really liked this moment in time. You catch the vibe or you don’t.
Picture #2 (mirror selfie): I felt hot with this one. That’s it. It’s one of the more popular pictures among my matches.
Text prompt #2 (weirdly attracted to men): Communicates my love-hate relationship with men and if you read into it more, my bratty nature. Easy to reply to to start a conversation (it’s all about pandering to the audience). I’ll admit it’s not the best prompt, though, because it’s quite generic.
Video #2 (pool): Another hobby to connect with others like myself. I’m not good, but that’s not the point. The point is to demonstrate you’re willing to try something new.
Text prompt #3 (Tajikistan): I wrote this because I had learned that fact the day before and didn’t have anything else to write. It communicates somewhat that I enjoy trivia. It was not a very good prompt, though it did have its takers.
Picture #3 (cat ears): Tailored to the male gaze.
Picture #4 (Tom meme): Because I love him. Also, high-level playful jab as if to judge men eyeing my profile (to make them a bit self-aware).
Feel free to criticise constructively for discussion’s sake. It won’t hurt my feelings because whatever you say, it worked well enough for me.
I later modified my profile to replace the following:
Original
Modified
Rationale for change
Text Prompt #1 (Jazz in July)
Together, we could To save your time and mine, I: [included my dealbreakers]
Only Two (2) People in my entire time on Hinge were genuinely interested in jazz. So, I can’t believe I’m saying this, but it was too niche to the point that it was almost useless. (But see guide #7 when it’s out…)
The dealbreakers text was a significant improvement from the original because it effectively filtered out men who could not handle me.
Text Prompt #2 (weirdly attracted to men)
I won’t shut up about how to hyperoptimise love and dating
Well, self-explanatory. And serves as a conversation starter since people are interested in this topic.
Text Prompt #3 (Tajikistan)
What if I told you that I can tell what your aura is by the end of our first date
Party trick I realised I had a talent for after going on a few first dates. And people love hearing about how others see them.
So yeah, I eliminated what wasn’t working. I didn’t have time to change the pictures, though if I could, I would replace the one of me playing pool with me drunkenly yelling in public. In the style of if you can’t handle this, don’t swipe me.
OK that was longer than I expected. Let’s move on to the Conversion Process.
The Conversion Process: App -> Texting
Use the in-app chat platform to sieve out instant dealbreakers. This includes people who are RUDE or who don’t know their boundaries.
Examples. Again, profile pictures are not hidden because I do not care. You put yourself out there, you deal with the consequences of your behaviour.
^ This guy is a particularly good example of someone who should be instantly DQed. A “neg” is a psychological tactic primarily used by men to get women. It involves insulting the woman to bring her confidence down, hoping she’ll like you more in an attempt to compensate. But I don’t even think he was operating at this level — I wouldn’t give him that much credit. He probably just disliked me.
I did convert him to Telegram, because he was hot and I was trying to see the good in him, but it was a mistake. Our subsequent texting was toxic af. We didn’t full-out hurl insults at each other, but I could feel his contempt for me dripping in his words. It was a disgusting experience. Why put myself through that? And you might think that you can change them, but consider: what are you really inviting with a person who fundamentally believes he can be rude to strangers?If he’s rude to you from the beginning, he will continue to be rude. Anyway, next.
^ Asking for head off the bat is insane. You think you deserve head from me? Men would BEG and then PAY for it, and you think you can get it with what??? A skincare routine, like, basic self-care? Jesus. Immediately dropped.
Only convert with those with whom you have established a degree of conversational flow. This is subjective, but once you feel comfortable texting them, convert them immediately from the app to amessaging platform. I usually give my Telegram username and ask them to DM me. I do this typically within an hour or at most a day of texting them on Hinge. After all, if you don’t like them later, you can sever the connection (see guide #6 on this topic).
I think that’s enough for this post. In the next guide, #5, we will discuss the rules of engagement — that is, how to build rapport on Telegram AND how to have a great first date! See you then. Kiss ❤
in your arms, as i faded away, i realised i was melting into you so let us become one, as we were meant to be you can call me by your name and i’ll call you by mine as we go falling, falling together
one time i stared wide-eyed at the ceiling through midnight until his alarm rang. when i studied him, basking in the warmth of the golden hour, he seemed to be having a pleasant dream: maybe life was sweeter for him there. back in reality, all that was left for me to do was envy him.
i think that one sleeps soundly when there’s nothing to worry about.
another time we stayed up until it was warm; i was talking at him throughout, at a pace so frenetic it was as if i already knew that we would never see each other again. i couldn’t sleep, even with the additional melatonin in my blood. i did have a lot i wanted to share, but now i wonder if it was also because i didn’t feel comfortable enough to let the silence settle in between us. it adds up, because i can no longer remember what we said, only what was left unsaid.
as someone who’s had insomnia all her life, falling asleep easily is a blessing. a perfect descent is like wading into a warm ocean with the scent of home around you. deceptively light at first, a heaviness weighs you down until you realise you’re sinking to the point of no return: it conquers you whether you embrace or resist it. but it’s easier to let go with someone — if you trust that they’ll eventually pull you back to the surface to breathe again.
maybe they knew, maybe they didn’t — either way, i don’t think they cared.
i’ve joined them now. these days, i burrow into my blanket and hug my bolster tight. for sure, doing so can’t replicate the affections of a drowsy lover. but it is nice in its own way: nestled away in my cocoon, sometimes — just sometimes — i hear the sound of the waves and nothing else.
The post that started it all. Reading this again makes me laugh because it demonstrates my point that people fundamentally don’t change. I mean, look at these iconic quotes from 2019 me:
“I enjoy oversharing about my life to the discomfort of others, though I should really know better. Either way, you’ll get my irrelevant opinions on all sorts of issues.”
“If you think I don’t have any [haters], you’d be surprised — I am so popular it pains me. I can’t even sin in good conscience anymore.”
This post was the first example of what I would become most well-known for among my juniors — reviews and advice relating to my academic pursuits. And my wit, of course.
One of my purer self-expressions at the time related to the paradox of online authenticity — a recurring issue in my life. The dilemma in summary: being “real” online necessitates sharing negative experiences and potentially controversial opinions because that’s real life. However, doing so could lead to adverse consequences, mainly: (1) it might not be good for your reputation in a hypercurated online environment and (2) your disclosure could be weaponised against you.
(1) is more rooted in insecurity than anything else, but (2) is a real concern. Someone reported me to my superiors when I was a student leader because I allegedly made an inflammatory comment online.
The only thing I learned from that affair then, unfortunately for the instigator, is that some people have such uninteresting lives that they can only spend it attempting (and failing) to drag others down. But I’ll admit that the experience helped me learn to criticise in a way that convinces audiences while the targets can’t do jackshit to me. (-:
I only resolved the dilemma after going through therapy: now, I share whatever I want without concern for others’ opinions. The value that I create and the way I treat others is testament enough to my character. If you can’t see it, that’s on you and not me x
2020: the liberal feminist (ironic) era [16 posts]
Self-explanatory. Interesting in the sense that men do not only represent an outlet of emotional and sexual fulfilment for me (god, if only I could choose otherwise), but because the concept of manhood defined my psychic development as a woman. Freud would be proud.
A chauvinist triggered me to write this. The post is noteworthy because it demonstrated my propensity for conflict and polemics. I’m more selective with my battles now because I’m better able to distinguish what’s worth my time.
But my desire and ability to put men in their place will never die.
Trivia: named after a popular shoujo manga I read when I was younger.
This is the post I am most well-known for. I wrote it because it is what I would have wanted to read as a junior. The support I received motivated me to keep writing; it might be part of the reason I am still posting today.
This post marked a breakthrough for me because it was the first time I actively sought help for my depressive symptoms. It was formative in terms of my journey as a mental health advocate.
Trivia: did you guys know I got into trouble for this series (the mental health logs), because someone didn’t like what I said and reported it to someone with authority over me? I got away again, of course (see the pattern here?), because 1) I can and 2) people are delusional to think that they can police my non-political opinions in our fair and free society.
I have had a long troubled history of insomnia since I was an adolescent (it’s gotten a lot better in 2024, though). I paid doctors hundreds of dollars to confirm what I already knew. Speaking from experience: if you have a sleep issue, also get your mental health checked out — the two are inextricable from one another.
More political commentary. The feelings I experienced when I posted this and when I saw the response to it solidified my commitment to write until I die.
Being single and encountering a bunch of men made me have Many Thoughts about the nature of love, dating, and marriage. So where better to organise all these thoughts creatively than here?
I would like to thank the men who inspired me because, hell, I was compulsively putting out banger after banger LOL. Sublimation is real, and I have lived it.
Embarked on this because I love self-improvement projects and gamifying my life. It’s not working out great because I clearly have impulsivity issues, but I’d be damned if I wasn’t having fun.
Another banger of a series (a little bit of disclosure: I was lovesick. I might still be. But I wouldn’t worry, because it’ll all work out in the end.)
That was a sweet trip down memory lane. Happy 5th birthday, my darling blog! I love you.
We were at a chalet gathering, composed such that it seemed that I had organised a party on a whim merely to celebrate people important to me.
He stood out — of course he did — and when he made his entrance, my friends looked at him wryly, as if he was not one of us.
He was… insouciant, that’s the word. Nobody moved to accommodate him, yet he took his place in the middle of the circle as naturally as a king glides to his throne. I actively continued flittering in social butterfly mode, but I couldn’t help sneaking a look at him occasionally.
I might have kept looking in his direction because I was hoping there would be a moment when he would be looking back, having been waiting all this time to ensnare me.
All it would have taken was a single moment, a single intention, and a single action.
But it didn’t matter because I was his from the start, and I knew that he knew it.
Inevitably, he turned his attention to me as the night went on; perhaps that was his purpose all along as a character in my story. He was flirtatious to a fault, his manner careless; he acted like he wanted more, but he was a bad actor — all his declarations rang empty.
In spite of it all, I was getting carried away — until I caught myself, whereupon the dream ended.
As I lay staring at the ceiling, trying to make sense of my dream, I realised that I had portrayed him in a unidimensional manner. That wasn’t necessarily on me: after all, I could only work with what he had decided to show me in the limited time we had together.
I am inclined to believe that he, like everyone else, is a complex creature. Our circles are deeply interconnected, much as I’d prefer otherwise (a drawback of sourcing your prospects from outside dating apps — it gets complicated). And when your circles overlap, you hear stories. When you hear stories, you come to conclusions.
My conclusion was that there was a lot more under his surface worth uncovering, even as his flaws seemed destined to prevent me from doing so.
But might I be being too kind to him to assume that he was more than what he seemed? His appeal was precisely his inaccessibility — he was a blank canvas on which I could project whatever I wanted.
I’ll admit that writing this post is an admission of desire — an example not accounted for in my theory of interpersonal interest. So, it is worth adding the caveat because I understand only now: to be interested in someone does not mean you ultimately want them in your life.
No matter how many dreams I have or how many love letters I write to you.
And yet — simply because we were not meant to be doesn’t mean I didn’t love you.
baby g’s diary 