thoughts of the past inadvertently find their way into my bouts of reflection; they’re a potent cocktail of yearning and regret. i don’t think there’s an English word for it — i haven’t found its foreign, untranslatable variant. it’s a feeling of watching life passing gently, like running your palm through the beach and watching the sand slip through your fingers. you can hold on as much and as tightly as you want, but it makes no difference. the pigeons will continue to caw, the trees sway in the wind, and the sea will recede, before rushing forward, only to recede again.
Category: musings
two islands
when i think of love — i think of you and me standing, looking at each other. we are on two islands; there is a chasm between us, a torrid body of water so deep it bleeds into the earth’s core.
i’m dying to reach you: i could jump into the water, and if i’m lucky, i’ll wash ashore on your sands. but i start to wonder: would you do the same for me?
could we meet in the middle?
i return my attention to your eyes; your gaze has softened now. there’s still love in it, i know. but it doesn’t have the edge it did before, that absolute determination to swim or die trying.
you wouldn’t do it for me, would you?
you turn away to another island; i am left looking at you across mine, before i eventually turn too.
becoming, #2 (suspiria)
i watched Suspiria earlier on a whim. to be as spoiler-free as possible (the movie was a LOT), it is essentially about a witch coming into being — in the sense that she became who she was meant to be.
it was a masterpiece. in its post-credits scene, she looks beyond the screen and subtly smiles as if she recognises something monumental has happened; she is at peace with it; something greater is coming, and she is ready.
hyperbole perhaps, but something about this film fundamentally altered my brain chemistry. the witch is… powerful, devastatingly so when attuned to her purpose, but merciful and forgiving at the same time. she is a mother; she is everything a woman would want to be.
it hit me hard because i’ve only begun to realise that there is, in fact, something powerful within me. but now that i’ve discovered it — the only thing left to do is be who i really am, as i am. but if you are to be truly yourself you have to let go of everything that you thought you loved and wanted to love.
but it’s such a herculean process — it hurts so much, my god, does it hurt — and the suffering doesn’t even abate with time. you have to do it over and over, discarding things that don’t serve you, armed only with the belief that your suffering now will eventually serve a grander purpose. not that they’re not beautiful and precious — they just were not made for you.
do you understand? — i always ask the ones i love.
but does it matter?
as much as i want to be connected with everyone else, this life was for me.
life was a lot easier when i was not aware. i was walking blind and letting others lead my way. but now that i know exactly what i want — i have to chart the path on my own.
someone once told me that life is like swimming across the sea; the English Channel is an example, if you will. you must swim across or drown trying. and you’ll have people along the way with you; if you’re lucky, you’ll find a partner to support you. but if both of you are to make it across, you have to know how to swim without the other.
and if you have to rely on your partner to make it across, you will not only drown: you will kill them too.
i used to think — only three weeks ago, actually — that i needed someone to complete me. but i understand now, as our protagonist did:
i am whole on my own, as i am.
interregnum, #3 (the lovesick logs)
i used to be obsessed with this guy; i dreamt about him for years. even as he hurt me, over and over, vengefully because i had hurt him too, i clung to the idea of him, desperate for his love. i was willing to drop everything for him if only he would ask, if only he wanted me the way i wanted him so completely. the day i gave up on him for good when he told me i was too much for him. i guess i needed that closure, and at least i found it.
the thing is, i found myself loving again. and the next one was better, or so i thought. and then i fell out of love. and then i fell again, for — you won’t believe this — an even better one. because i was growing and i was becoming. and i will keep doing so, with or without them.
granted, with the current one, i think i’ve never felt so instantly sure before. but love has an insidious way of short-circuiting your brain making you blind to your past, your future, and even your present.
i’ve been thinking: i think many of us have a conception of love as a shared object. it is something given, but it has to be received to be complete. but i’m starting to wonder if it’s even simpler. maybe love is something that is merely given. it is not about what we have; it is not what you think about me. it is only about what i have to give you, because i wanted to, not because i wanted something in return.
and so love is not a game of deservedness — it is a game of appreciation. and so we keep going as much as we can. to love again and again, until we find someone who will accept us completely, as we are, as we will be.
lessons in healing
sweetheart asked me why? why unblock him if you don’t care about him anymore? i hesitated — because i want him to watch? is it contradictory? is it petty? i wasn’t sure.
and as if by design, he appeared again on my stories. it was intriguing, but that was all — i didn’t feel anything aside from curious indifference and amusement.
so this is what it feels like when someone doesn’t matter anymore.
it was strangely poetic — like this was always bound to happen, and i was merely a passive observer to the predetermined unfolding. indeed, it was never about us, but i might have been wrong about the other part — it was never about you, even. it was about me: what i thought i wanted from you before i realised it had been in me from the beginning, just that i recognise it only now. that’s why a relationship takes at least two to work: there needs to be you and me to be an us.
i unblocked all of them because they don’t matter anymore; i think it is a natural consequence of letting go.
isn’t that wonderful? we love, we learn, and we forgive others and ourselves.
eden
Don’t waste your time chasing butterflies. Mend your garden, and the butterflies will come.
Mario Quintana, Butterflies (translated from the original, “Borboletas”)
I feel I’ve grown a lot emotionally over the past six months. There might still be things I’m not ready to admit to myself — such as my irrational desire for a perfect partner who will ostensibly complete me — but I am also gradually realising that perhaps, just perhaps — I can be whole on my own after all.
I have embarked on so many projects this year that the younger me could hardly have imagined. Pilates princess, babygirl energy? Clarifying my boundaries, and letting go of people and things not contributing to my growth? Living as my authentic self, unwilling to be stifled by others’ projections?
Isn’t this what I wanted all along? All of this seems unreal.
I’ll keep doing these and more because I want to — not because anyone else has told me to, or because someone or society said it’s good for me. It’s good for me because I decided it is, and so it shall be.
I am tending to my garden; I will keep tending to it, rain or shine. The butterflies will come, not because I called out to them, but only because they find it a beautiful place to be.
They may be fickle; they may not stay.
And that’s okay; in the meantime — as we were meant to — we can play.
gwynethtyt.com is 5!
Oh my god!
Since the inception of this blog, I have written over 130 posts.
Here is a collection of my favourites, categorised by year, which I feel best captures her spirit.
2019: the big bang era
[26 posts]
11/6: hello, losers
- The post that started it all. Reading this again makes me laugh because it demonstrates my point that people fundamentally don’t change. I mean, look at these iconic quotes from 2019 me:
- “I enjoy oversharing about my life to the discomfort of others, though I should really know better. Either way, you’ll get my irrelevant opinions on all sorts of issues.”
- “If you think I don’t have any [haters], you’d be surprised — I am so popular it pains me. I can’t even sin in good conscience anymore.”
3/8: my NTU URECA experience: a review
- This post was the first example of what I would become most well-known for among my juniors — reviews and advice relating to my academic pursuits. And my wit, of course.
5/11: meta on oversharing
- One of my purer self-expressions at the time related to the paradox of online authenticity — a recurring issue in my life. The dilemma in summary: being “real” online necessitates sharing negative experiences and potentially controversial opinions because that’s real life. However, doing so could lead to adverse consequences, mainly: (1) it might not be good for your reputation in a hypercurated online environment and (2) your disclosure could be weaponised against you.
- (1) is more rooted in insecurity than anything else, but (2) is a real concern. Someone reported me to my superiors when I was a student leader because I allegedly made an inflammatory comment online.
- The only thing I learned from that affair then, unfortunately for the instigator, is that some people have such uninteresting lives that they can only spend it attempting (and failing) to drag others down. But I’ll admit that the experience helped me learn to criticise in a way that convinces audiences while the targets can’t do jackshit to me. (-:
- I only resolved the dilemma after going through therapy: now, I share whatever I want without concern for others’ opinions. The value that I create and the way I treat others is testament enough to my character. If you can’t see it, that’s on you and not me x
2020: the liberal feminist (ironic) era
[16 posts]
8/1: penis envy
- Self-explanatory. Interesting in the sense that men do not only represent an outlet of emotional and sexual fulfilment for me (god, if only I could choose otherwise), but because the concept of manhood defined my psychic development as a woman. Freud would be proud.
12/3: my time at mcgill: a mid-term review
- Went to McGill University in Montreal, Canada to expand liberal brain.
24/3: carte blanche
- Still relevant. Will always be. My lover must understand this.
8/5: virgin crisis
- A chauvinist triggered me to write this. The post is noteworthy because it demonstrated my propensity for conflict and polemics. I’m more selective with my battles now because I’m better able to distinguish what’s worth my time.
- But my desire and ability to put men in their place will never die.
- Trivia: named after a popular shoujo manga I read when I was younger.
14/8: reflections of a “student leader”
- Babygirl does politics, and gets her way (you’re welcome to read and decide for yourself if I did).
2021: the pareto principle era
[11 posts]
1/6: gwyn’s guide to NTU psych modules (or: PSYCCESS)
- This is the post I am most well-known for. I wrote it because it is what I would have wanted to read as a junior. The support I received motivated me to keep writing; it might be part of the reason I am still posting today.
22/12: gwyn reviews: the NTU counselling centre
- This post marked a breakthrough for me because it was the first time I actively sought help for my depressive symptoms. It was formative in terms of my journey as a mental health advocate.
- Trivia: did you guys know I got into trouble for this series (the mental health logs), because someone didn’t like what I said and reported it to someone with authority over me? I got away again, of course (see the pattern here?), because 1) I can and 2) people are delusional to think that they can police my non-political opinions in our fair and free society.
2022: the lowkey era
[8 posts]
28/6: geneva, a girl, and a reckoning
- I went to Switzerland, Geneva, and got to meet my research idol. I will never forget my time there. Their melted cheese fondue was pretty good, too.
6/7: on sleeping (with) disorders
- I have had a long troubled history of insomnia since I was an adolescent (it’s gotten a lot better in 2024, though). I paid doctors hundreds of dollars to confirm what I already knew. Speaking from experience: if you have a sleep issue, also get your mental health checked out — the two are inextricable from one another.
2023: the comeback era
[3 posts]
4/10: confessions of an ex-NTUSU exco
- More political commentary. The feelings I experienced when I posted this and when I saw the response to it solidified my commitment to write until I die.
5/12: 25
- To celebrate the end of my first quarter of life. Also to celebrate something I had neglected for a long time: myself.
2024: the generative babygirl era
[60+ posts(!), so far]
26/2: discipline and punish
- Marked another transformation where I realised I didn’t have to play by the rules anymore.
31/3: to my dearest
- Tl;dr I realised my friends loved me immensely, perhaps more than any man ever loved me.
12/4: golden age
- More thoughts on freedom following discipline and punish.
17/4: gwyn’s lay theory of relationships series
- Being single and encountering a bunch of men made me have Many Thoughts about the nature of love, dating, and marriage. So where better to organise all these thoughts creatively than here?
- I would like to thank the men who inspired me because, hell, I was compulsively putting out banger after banger LOL. Sublimation is real, and I have lived it.
10/5: how to counteract love bombers
- Sums up my philosophy towards relationships: if they really wanted right, they would. I will accept nothing less.
16/5: the little things
- I just like how soft this post is. I wrote it with the wind on my face and the rain pouring in the background.
1/6: the no man june logs
- Embarked on this because I love self-improvement projects and gamifying my life. It’s not working out great because I clearly have impulsivity issues, but I’d be damned if I wasn’t having fun.
7/6: gwyn’s theory of interpersonal interest series
- Another banger of a series (a little bit of disclosure: I was lovesick. I might still be. But I wouldn’t worry, because it’ll all work out in the end.)
That was a sweet trip down memory lane. Happy 5th birthday, my darling blog! I love you.
forever, #3
i have a feeling i will end up with the next man i commit to.
it might take a while to find him, but he will likely be the last.
i’ve never had a feeling like this before.
my friend says these feelings are “usually quite accurate”.
i mean, we’ll see… though i usually get what i want.
giving and taking
I had a dream — a nightmare, perhaps — where I was lying beside one of them.
A third party, a casual talker who seemed to lack self-awareness, shared the bed with us. Staring at his back, turned away from us and at a respectful distance, I found myself grateful rather than annoyed by his intrusion.
Either way, I remained pensive, a feeling of discomfort bubbling in my chest until I mentioned that maybe I should go home instead. I said it was the morning, but I just didn’t want to be around him.
Curled up beside me, close enough but never making contact, he muttered something to pacify me. But his body language did not match his words — he seemed to want to get closer and closer the more I squirmed to get further.
He wasn’t the only one, I realise. In every moment I was with them, the abject terror of being jumped pervaded our waltzes; the only real choice I had was whether to lean into the joy of being hunted. I allowed them to decentre me — for that was what I was willing to give — and all of them seemed to revel in taking without reciprocating.
And then they would eventually tell me, sometimes not even directly, as if I wasn’t worth their while — that I was too much for them.
interregnum
we are going to cross paths with many, many people in our lifetime. we cannot hold on to all of them, much as we want to. letting go of people and the longing for more with them is an unavoidable fact of being alive that we must reconcile ourselves with eventually. some people, including ourselves from others’ perspective, are meant to only be with us temporarily. that is by design, whether willed by the Creator or the nihilistic cosmos that toys with us.
yet this does not mean you are an interregnum — an intermission or a short distraction from normalcy. you are an experience, a lesson, a force of nature: you are the universe’s manifestation of love. everyone is, even those who hurt us. the only thing we can do is make the best of the present because that’s all we’ll ever have in the end — you imprint their shadow onto your soul so that even when they fade away in time, they’ll always be a part of you. their memory belongs to you now; keep what you like, discard what you don’t.
so when you meet other travellers like yourself who want to stay and grow with you, hold onto them — not enough to lose yourself, but enough so that in the rare chance they want to be bound to you too, both of you will share a bond — a bond that defines what it means to be human.
baby g’s diary 