A reliable (disqualified) source recently informed me that in his search criteria for a wife (a topic worth a standalone post), the criteria I did not meet for him was ambition. I corrected him, quick as lightning, that his observation was erroneous — I have ambition, but I lack ability (presently).
As if in tacit agreement, he promptly caveated his position, remarking that my primary issue is that I have not yet demonstrated ability. That is, being on the cusp of graduation (my thesis is under review), and having never held a full-time job from birth, I haven’t had a chance to establish myself yet.
In other words, I have potential, theoretically [+] (?)
However, realistically, potential with no demonstrated outcome is worthless [-] — yes, darlings, regardless of how IPOs function in practice.
It was a sobering revelation: I was aware of all of the above but had failed to connect it to my place in the marriage market in the past. In retrospect, it adds up: men who were established did not want me because I was, I am, not yet established. (That and among other things.)
You seek someone better than you; you settle for someone as good as you. Lies, games, partner evaluations: all the same if the outcome is equivalent.
And hence we must speak about him, my lover: what does he see in me? Is he able to see something in my future that I can’t, yet? Does he believe in my potential?
Or, almost frighteningly — to him, am I enough as I am? Because I am not enough, not to myself, not ever, possibly never.
Why does he love me?
I don’t know.
Even if I were to ask him point-blank, even if he could respond in a decipherable string, it will take a long time before I can comprehend his reply.
But every time I’m his arms, I instinctively understand that some things do not need to be said —
Good Night, Sleep Tight, Don’t Let the Loverboys Bite
Who’s Next on the Hitlist Tonight?
i beat u
Here are some guidelines I used when deciding to sever a connection. These apply to both texting and in-person behaviour. All are inherently subjective, so make your own decisions.
Perceiving a lack of interest on their end
Inconsistent or a lack of replies over a prolonged period without acceptable justification
For men I hadn’t met, I observed them over 3-5 working days before deciding. They don’t owe me anything, but I can sure decide when they didn’t like me enough.
For men I slept with, I gave them 24 hours before culling. The shorter time frame is because a man who likes you will demonstrate intensified interest immediately. Don’t make excuses for them like oh, but men are rational, so maybe he needs some time to think. Men do not sleep with women and become infatuated with them because they’re rational creatures; it’s precisely the lack thereof that drives them. Diminished interest means it’s over because they only wanted one thing, and you’ve given it to them.
One-word replies, dry texts, perceived difficulty in sustaining a convo despite attempts (it’s not worth it)
Not seeming interested in your day
If they’re only talking about themselves all the time like hello what about me
If they ask for anything that crosses your boundaries.
Example: At least three men shared with me one behaviour in girls that they consider off-putting: expecting him to travel to her place to pick her up before travelling to the destination together and accompanying her home afterwards. Of course, it was expected that the poor man would pay for all expenses. I don’t agree with this either. But see the next example.
Another thought-provoking example: beliefs about who should pay on the first date. I’m not ashamed to say that I fall into the camp that the man should pay — it’s an (admittedly gendered) way for me to suss out who values me. I acknowledge and respect that not all men agree, and this precisely works to my advantage: I had a hidden rule that if a man asked me to pay, he would be permanently DQed. No exceptions. Not that any of them asked me to go Dutch (or y’all would so know it), but the point is that specifying what you want improves search outcomes. Everyone has exclusionary criteria. Sorry if it hurts your feelings though.
Final example for the sake of controversy: two men asked me for head via text. I played along with one and shut down the other. (FYI: neither got it.) The only difference was in how long we had known each other. It boils down to accurately assessing your partner’s boundaries at the moment and knowing how to best accommodate them (signs of EQ). This is an ongoing process as boundaries are continually negotiated as a relationship develops.
In babygirl’s humble opinion, good and clean breaks have the following characteristics. They:
Are respectful of the other person. This means NO personal attacks. Even if you think they’re trash, write it in your diary (hehe) or sob to your friends, but don’t tell them.
Focus on your perception of the relationship, not the person
State simply that you have concluded the two (or more) of you are incompatible, and briefly state the reasons that led you to this conclusion
Imply that the decision is final and non-negotiable
[Optional: if you want to keep them in your life as friends, indicate so. But you MUST give them a choice to take up your offer or not].
Wishing them the best in their love quest and life
Based on the above, a sample template for saying goodbye:
hey, i don’t think we’re going to work out. we’re not aligned on some fundamental aspects (e.g. values, goals in life) / i just feel we don’t like each other enough — i’m sure you understand. but thank you for having given your time to me; i enjoyed our connection immensely.
[i really like what we have though and i still want to be friends with you. but that’s entirely up to you, and you can take as long as you need to decide.]
i really hope that you find the love you deserve, because you do deserve it.
source: the lovergirl in me. adapt to your style or whatever
All of my goodbyes with my dates went something like this and ended on a relatively positive note. There was no face-tearing, at least. In the game of love, we have no time for hard feelings.
A well-crafted goodbye will be accepted without question by a secure counterpart. It will also neutralise any player energy that the person might have had.
Please do not ghost them if you have at least bonded somewhat. That is pathetic behaviour and hurts everyone. Get them out of your mind pronto and help them do the same.
The Art of Receiving Goodbyes
You may be surprised (I’m joking), but I have been rejected too. What matters is not who has rejected who (instant gratification aside) but how you learn from the experience.
So how do we do so?
Ask for feedback if you are unsure why you were DQed. I brazenly asked “so why am I not a good fit for you?” after one of them told me I was not what he was looking for. He was surprised at my directness, but he was nice enough to share that I was too emotionally volatile for him. I did not agree, but I did not attempt to defend myself or lecture him otherwise. I accepted it, thanked him for his time, and wished him the best. I then did some intense self-reflection and refined my Hinge profile to filter out men like him. LOL
Manage your emotions. Absolutely critical. You must not enter another relationship until you have processed your thoughts and feelings with the previous one. Of course, I had a good cry sometimes when things didn’t work out with my handsome boys. And then I got over them and moved on in a few days. I think it helps to remember that none of it is personal. The both of you just happened to be incompatible; you were not what they were looking for, but that doesn’t say anything about your worth as a person. You remain valid and worthy of love.
sorry can u repeat what u said?
I’m Only Gonna Break, Break Your, Break, Break Your Heart (Sorry)
Back to Basic (Instincts)
AGAIN? NO HORNY!
Girls have choices sexually. Men have choices romantically. It’s just stacked that way. Note the intimate connection with mate selection criteria — women are rewarded for their attractiveness, while men are rewarded for their status.
I realised I could sleep with any guy I wanted, even those out of my league marriage-wise. (OK la, small sample size, maybe the 9th man would have turned me down. We’ll never know!) Hell, I have so much power I could choose not to, and there is nothing they can do about it. Men have zero sexual bargaining power when it comes to facing off against an equally attractive woman, ceteris paribus.
Sidetrack: this is why it’s so funny to me when men slut-shame women on social media; they don’t realise it reveals more about them than the women they’re trying to bring down. Like, bro, chilé. We get it. You’re not getting laid, and you hate yourself, so you’re taking it out on women you cannot have. We know you would sleep with her if you could. But here’s the thing — you can’t. And now, because you outed yourself, everyone knows it. Get therapy instead.
But here’s the catch. I make it sound like sex is a woman’s advantage, but it really means nothing. Sexual attractiveness gets you into the bullfighting ring, but that’s all it does. The bull will kill you regardless if you don’t know what you’re doing. Even if you come prepared — you could still get shredded to pieces.
Men will not love you because you’re good in bed.In fact, the prevailing pattern I’ve observed is that men love women in spite of them not being good in bed. Legit let that SINK IN for a moment. Because men can compartmentalise love and sex, the former ironically supersedes the latter in their search for a wife. The same goes for women, although there are no surprises there.
the real enemy of humankind is the double standards we apply to ourselves, even as we impose our judgements on others without so much as batting an eye.
To all my readers: they might like you if you’re hot, but you’ll just be put in the “fuckable” compartment of their cupboard and left there. Listen and remember: if you were not pre-categorised into the “potential partner” section, you will never make it there. Put differently, the friendzone (or the fuckzone, I guess) is a finality, not a place to challenge others’ boundaries.
Do NOT regale me with tales of how Some Mediocre Man/Woman realised their errors after Some Devoted Woman/Man was consistent and always there for them (rolls eyes). Put yourself first. NO ONE IS WORTH MORE THAN YOU. We are not looking for someone who at the end of the day “settles” for you because they couldn’t find something better. Ew. You should’ve been their #1 from the start. If they are emotionally unavailable to reciprocate, that’s not your problem. You go out there and look for someone who deserves you.
Be deathly wary of people who say that they want you (back) because you’ve changed or grown as a person. First, do you only like my current version because I’m good enough for you now? So what was I before? If I change in the future into something you don’t like, are you going to drop me then? Second, if you have indeed grown, there is virtually no reason to return to your past, especially the people left there. They are there for a reason.
Inevitable exceptions to the rule: I have seen some couples who have made it out of the friendzone territory. But when I look at them, I’m not sure… I guess it’s an ego thing on my part. I could never accept being settled for. I’d think that shadow would hang over me and my view of the relationship for the rest of my life. Then again, it’s your life, your preferences, and your choice. And if you’ve reached a point where you’re secure in yourself and your partner’s love, what is there to complain about?
Back to the girls: I hate to say this — I genuinely, sincerely do — but you have to err on the side of caution. While not every man is like this, you must assume that they are only out for your body and will throw you away after they are done. If you are not ready for this possibility and discarding them in the same fashion when the time comes, do not sleep with them.
DO NOT EVER — EVER! — degrade yourself by attempting to use sex to keep a man around. If you can only remember one thing from this post this is it. I find the one “degrade” very distasteful because it’s often thrown around as a pejorative to demean women who are sexually liberated (AND SUCCESSFUL!). But when you disrespect yourself to keep someone around, you’ve completely lost the game.
this energy OK
All of the above also applies to emotions.
If someone does not love you fully given some time, I don’t think they ever will. I don’t believe that love grows in that sense; it can only be cultivated to persist. Unfortunately, matters of the heart are just like that. You can’t change someone’s heart no matter how many times you try — if they cannot give you their 100% despite their best efforts and yours, the two of you are doomed from the beginning.
There are no guarantees either: they could tell you they love you today and disappear tomorrow. The only thing we can do for ourselves if they waver is to leave.
You need to act like — you need to know — that you deserve the world to receive it in return. And if they can’t give it to you, the door is right there.
But you must also be ready to give your everything. You must be willing to give your time and effort to build a connection with another without expecting any return. You must be willing to hurt so much that you can only lie on the bed incapacitated, only to finally bring yourself to sit down on a chair and start sobbing like a baby.
There are limits to my guides. I can help you minimise the chances of meeting bad actors or insecure people, but that’s all I can do.
Neither you nor I can ultimately control your chances of meeting someone who will love you for who you are.
That being said, don’t forget to look around you. Your family, your friends — haven’t you seen the look in their eyes when you laugh? Even acquaintances and strangers, when you catch up after a long while, or when they stop to do you a little favour for nothing in return. Love actually is all~ around~
Time to~ Say Goodbye~
Ah, we’ve finally come to the chronological end of this series (but you never know!). What a wild ride it’s been! So much debauchery and so many epiphanies!
i unironically recommend rollercoaster by justin bieber
True to the # of this guide, I met six men from Hinge. Every one of them taught me something that I’d like to thank them for:
#1 (Gang Member) — for showing me new perspectives on love
#2 (Still Waters) — for showing me the limits of love
#3 (Sweetheart) — for showing me when love is and isn’t enough
#4 (Captain) — for showing me what love feels like
#5 (Just Guy #5, sorry) — for showing me what love isn’t
#6 (My Husband) — for showing me what it means to love and be loved completely.
Special mention for baby d and Grab Extraordinaire. It’s a pity — I mean it — but somehow I accept that it was meant to be this way. It is what it is. And Little Tiger — Nando’s soon!
I will remember the love I had for you, always, always.
Hi. How has your love quest been? Good, I hope, with my wonderful guides. LOL
Today, we detail Gwyn’s rules of engagement, namely how to (1) decide who to convert from texting to in-person meets and (2) suss out the ones suitable for you from your meetups.
Before we begin, I have a little silly activity for you. It ostensibly helps you to determine how many people you should meet given some rules you set for yourself.
How Many People Should I Date? (365!?)
Before my time on Hinge, while doing the important preparatory work, I found this hilarious calculator which calculates (using math) how many dates you need to go on to find an ideal partner. Please try it and log your stats so you can look back and laugh at yourself like I did.
It is based upon the optimal stopping rule, which advises that you spend the first 37% of your dating period evaluating potential partners (“data-gathering phase” to, well, figure out what you want) before committing to the next person who surpasses all previous ones.
Here were my stats:
if I’m willing to go on 3-4 dates a week (yah I was crazy, it’s not feasible in the long-run)
and want to find an ideal partner within 2 years (haha, 2 weeks [snorts])
settling with the best possible partner
with chances of rejection being 10% (yah I was optimistic I admit. 50% is realistic)
I need to go on 132 dates and let them go no matter what. Then I’ll have a 34.6% chance of finding The One from the total pool of 365 dates.
Insert a massive “your mileage may vary” comment here because this is a rational solution to an emotional problem. Logic is annihilated in the face of emotion. When I met my man, I was so sure about him that I dropped all future prospects immediately. If anything, it could guide estimating how many people you could meet given the effort you’re willing to put in. Aside from that, it’s just for fun.
Anyway, it’s time to YAP.
The Texting Stage, Our Infamous Friend
We assume you have converted a lucky few from dating app to text platform based on your initial impressions. So, we move into the next gear — ahhhh, so exciting!!!
Text Away to Prune, You Must
Don’t be afraid to double-text in moderation. It indicates interest, and if they liked you back, they wouldn’t see you as desperate. And it’s good grounds for elimination. I used the three-strike rule: you’re out if I double-text you more than twice. The third one is a parting message (see guide #6), and no take backsies~ (so it takes only 72 hours to DQ a prospect, wink). Remember: there are no bad texters. There are only texters who don’t like you enough.
Every single text should represent your authentic self. Skip the formalities. Speak like you would speak to your friends. Be polite, of course, but not to the point of being overly reserved. Be respectful but not detached. Send stickers and hearts. Be a little bit careless. It’s not a work interview — we’re here to have fun. Live laugh LJ, OK?
Know when to share what — match their level of reciprocity, but always give a bit more to keep the conversation going. And then more, more, more, until you burrow yourself into their hearts and leave your indelible mark. Your love is not a crime.
Use your gut feeling to decide what’s right. DO NOT trauma dump until you’ve met; sudden excessive disclosure is a turn-off.
People who like you do two things beyond bantering: (1) send you telebubbles of themselves and (2) tell you about their day without you asking. But this does not mean they (will) love you; it could very well be love-bombing behaviour. I remember the fun calls I had with Captain, who did not love me in return.
Eeny, Meeny, Miny, Moe, Who Shall We Meet Next (“Full Conversions”)
Meet only those you have established rapport with.
OK I will admit I only spoke to My Man for 4 days before meeting him. BUT he is a special case (obviously) for two reasons. First, we had a common interest (jazz), which was a good enough reason to meet in itself. Second, I sensed from the start that he was a decent guy. He was polite, responsive, and showed initiative consistently. I was so certain about my judgement that I considered giving him a kiss by the end of the date before the date began. Yes, I’m crazy. And yes, of course I was right.
Rostering
To have a roster is to juggle multiple prospects at once, at least on a texting basis. I don’t know how common this is, but I suspect everyone does it to some extent. My roster had 3-5 serious considerations at any one time. And all the men I met were rostering. So there’s nothing to feel insecure or threatened about since everyone does it. Rather, your goal should be to climb to the top of that list (no compliment matches being told that “you’re #1 right now”, LOL. I’d better be!)
Funny one: high-value men do not just roster, they sometimes even deconflict. I matched two men who I discovered later were literal besties. They had an internal agreement on who would get me (although I had a say insofar as I only replied the one I liked more)!!! What is the world coming to!!!
Even discussing your rosters can make for a fun meta ice-breaker. A handsome guy asked me about mine, and I told him oh, you’re #2 because I haven’t talked to you much. He sweetly informed me in turn that I was #3 for a similar reason — because he had met someone else earlier than me, so they had a time advantage. But how long you’ve known someone is not predictive of how intense the connection will be; rather, it is the quality of your conversations.
Also, you’ll never know how intense the connection really is until you meet them. (My Man was not #1 in the texting phase. I then met him and decided he was #1 for the foreseeable future.)
weeeeeeeeeee
First Dates!!! ❤
Dates as Marriage Interviews… or Not
When someone from a dating app agrees to meet you, they are looking out for three things you can potentially provide them.
Love, of which there are two subcategories:
1a. Romantic love
1b. Friendship
Sex
Financial benefit / a free meal (rare, included only for comprehensiveness; if you do this, you’re silly)
Gender differences
Men are always 2, and sometimes 1a&2.
Men sometimes want love.
But my guess is that men always want sex. In the sense that, even if he does not initiate any sexual contact, he will always welcome it if you offer. Let me say it again — always.
Women are generally 1a, and sometimes 1a&2.
Women can be looking for sex, too.
But we assume that a majority of women are primarily looking for love on the basis that they cannot compartmentalise sex and love as cleanly as men can.
3 is a Shiny Pokémon that operates on rules from a bizarre universe. They are not dating to find love. They are looking to sell insurance (both men and women) or eat out for free (typically women). If you have the misfortune to meet someone like this, end the date ASAP.
Extrapolating from the points above we can identify subtypes of daters based on their intentions (which, interestingly, aligns somewhat with Hinge’s dating preferences).
Dater subtypes
Genuinely seeking a partner (1a&2). This person’s primary goal is to determine if you will be a good long-term partner for them. Sex is a bonus but a secondary afterthought.
The friendzoner (1b). A special breed. Basically, they go to meetups intending to build a connection with no possibility of romance. Friendship could also be an outcome of marriage interview failure — a coup de grâce — if 1a (love) doesn’t work out, but they still find their partner interesting as a person.
Players (only 2). Another special breed and the most interesting of them all. Typically men. They are not interested in seeking love with you — they only want sex*. What distinguishes this category of daters is their strategy: they masquerade as the genuinely seeking type, but this is only a ploy to get you in bed. In other words, they prey on the female weakness in conflating love and sex to get the latter.
Clowns (only 3). More likely to be women than men due to social norms.
The differentiation is important because their behaviours will differ if you observe closely.
3 is obviously the easiest to tell. Out of nowhere, they ask you about your financial goals. We move on.
What we care about is how to separate a player from a genuine seeker.
who’s who? i’m Tom.
Differentiating genuine seekers and players
Genuine seekers’ behaviours. My pet name for them is “secure (wo)men”.
One thing I’ve noticed about men who are (really) looking for long-term relationships is that they cut to the chase. They talk about preferences and deal-breakers early. They help you decide in a collaborative manner — they do not lead you on, they do not play games.
One date (I will always have a soft spot for him because he was so kind to me) saw the way I looked at two kids walking by — and he immediately mentioned he didn’t want kids. This was half an hour into our first and only date. I remember turning my head, my line of sight fixating on his ethereal, dark eyes, and the anticipatory grief flooding my heart. Our relationship was doomed before it began, though I still enjoyed my time with him. (This is why you should put your family plans front and centre on your profile.) He later told me I would be a good mother. I believe him. I’ll be happy for him, too, when he eventually finds the one for him.
Genuine seekers are upfront about what they want. For example, someone told me he was unsure about me as a prospect but still wanted to sleep with me. I think “unsure” is a poor word choice if we follow the rule that “it’s a no if it’s not a hard yes”, but it remains superior to lying.
Other characteristics
They respect your boundaries. If you say no, they accept it, no questions asked.
They are NOT AFRAID TO SHOW THEIR AFFECTION!!!!!!!!!!!!
Essentially, genuine seekers are rational machines. If you understand the rules they play by and you mirror them, they will respect you.
Players’ behaviours. AKA red flags to look out for.
Players are identifiable by their lying. Therefore, their insinuations of love, intended to bait you, do not match their actions.
It’s a terrible sign if all lines of conversation inescapably turn sexual as the night progresses, in the style of all roads leading to Rome. He’s asking about your body count. He’s asking when you had your first kiss or lost your virginity. Boring shit like that. Correct answer: not your business until right before I sleep with you. Questions that seem out of place, that make your inner goddess tilt her head. It isn’t the right time, and you know it.
Hot take, but you can kind of tell from the way he touches and looks at you (!).
Did he hold your hand before he touched your thigh? If he jumped straight to the second, you really only have one decision left to make: whether you want to sleep with him or not. Because he has made the other decision for you: he does not want to date you, and it’s unlikely this will change. One-night stands do not hold your hand. Whether you go home with him, you are leaving without him.
Your first kiss with him — was it innocent or indulgent?Genuine seekers kiss like the former, while players kiss like the latter.Why? Men interested in you care about your opinion of them, and this desire for approval debilitates them. But players do not care.
The hunter’s look. You’ll know when you look in their eyes. Players look down at you, chin tilted up ever so slightly (it’s hot though; I’ll give them that). This is the hunter’s look.You win if you can turn that look into one of confusion or admiration. In comparison, a genuine seeker looks at you more affectionately… like how your friends look at you when you laugh.
On power dynamics. Related to the above, players usually enter thinking they have the upper hand. This is not necessarily an unjustified assumption — they think this way because they have an established record of winning past games. So it’s on you to put them in their place. Once you call them out on their behaviour or act in an unexpected way (e.g. turning down their offer to fuck or publicly shaming them on your blog, HAHAHA), they’ll be neutralised — and you’ll know when it happens. You don’t have to do this with genuine seekers because they will be treating you as an equal in the first place.
BTW, if their texting behaviour suddenly ceases the day after you sleep with them (regardless of date #), the relationship is over. LOL. There’s no need to ask your friends what they think is going on. You’re hearing the death rattles of a hunt because it is the withdrawal phase. There is nothing much you can do at this point but come to terms with it. Sorry. Get into discard and recovery mode. If you want to avoid this problem, don’t sleep with them (YES THIS IS COMING FROM ME).
*Caveat: I portray players as one-dimensional creatures, but people are not that simple. However, that is beyond the scope of this post. If I think about it more, I might write #5.5 (on players).
big thunk
On EQ and IQ evaluations
IQ and EQ are pivotal considerations in seeking long-term partners. At the risk of sounding obvious, let me state upfront that people seek smart and emotionally savvy people as partners — this is a fact of human nature — but let me also qualify this.
People tend to attract and ultimately choose others similar in IQ and EQ levels. Relationships with significant discrepancies are unlikely to work out because what is there to build when you fundamentally don’t connect over your ideas or feelings? (So yeah, even though Hollywood likes to romanticise the “opposites attract” concept, it is a myth. One exception to this rule, though, is when one partner is socially dominant and the other is submissive.)
More importantly, I would argue that EQ is more important than IQ (though, of course, they are correlated). The problem is that you can’t tell someone’s emotional intelligence level off the bat from their profile, as opposed to conventional intelligence, which you can infer from their work and education. You have to meet them to know. Or you at least have to text them for a relatively extended period to see how they respond to situations and what you bring to the table.
Characteristics of high EQ people, based on my observations:
They know how to make someone else feel comfortable around them. They can “read the room”. They are constantly observing and assessing their partner’s cues to infer their emotional state, which they then use to decide the next best action to respond with.
Your body instinctively recognises when your partner is doing this. It’s the in-sync feeling — when you can’t find a word, and they complete their thoughts for you as if they were inside your head the whole time.
Remember I said My Man treated my bruises? He was like, oh, don’t scratch your legs! And why do you have so many bruises! Let me apply cream on them for you! Here’s why I was shocked: I was hardly aware of my bruises. Exceptional attention to detail.
They are excellent with “recovery” situations, i.e. when a conversation is going awry or there is an awkward situation. Again, it is a lot about awareness — because I know your intention, I can play along with it to save us both from embarrassment.
They remain calm in stressful situations. Because they can reframe a situation and generate solutions quickly. Sign of a high-functioning prefrontal cortex and good emotional regulation.
Contrast with when they lack this awareness. Guy #5, for example, lacked this (sorry I keep dredging this guy up, my sample size is limited and will no longer increase, unfortunately), at least in the few hours I was with him. He could not tell that I did not feel safe around him. And I think it would have been obvious if he was paying attention. I wasn’t physically receptive to his advances, though hell, I was doing my best. If we assume that he wanted to sleep with me, he failed because he mistimed his steps, which in turn was because he couldn’t determine when to do or say what accurately.
no chemistry vibes
Finally, the Rules of Engagement
Friends first, lovers later. Don’t meet anyone you wouldn’t have as a friend. Your lover is going to be your best friend (potentially for life!).
Be interested in them and show your affection confidently. Don’t be a wishy-washy person who blows hot and cold. If you wouldn’t like to be hurt, don’t make others suffer for your insecurities. Go away and work on yourself.
Secure people like honest people. If you tell them what you genuinely feel and think, they’ll be appreciative and reciprocate.
Similarly, be ready to give your all. This involves intense emotional disclosure when the time is right. You’ll know when. Pay attention to your body and your gut feeling. Don’t share anything that crosses your boundaries, but be willing to step out of your comfort zone.
I think some of us do not give everything initially because we are afraid of 1) being rejected and 2) seeming desperate (which ultimately leads back to 1 anyway because you are afraid that seeming desperate will lead to rejection). But people who want you will never see your affection as desperation.
Remember that time is a commodity, especially so for working adults. When someone makes time for you out of their busy schedule, remember that they are giving you a lot of grace. So help them make the best out of it. They will be grateful.
“Have no expectations” is something I’ve been told repeatedly, but let’s dive deeper. Act like you’ll never see them again, and you’ll be surprised at how many doors open. Recognising the transience of your connection leads to treating others as best as you can, rather than casually or non-committally because you think “we might meet again”.
Active listening. In short, active listening requires that you be present. That means put your damn phone away and listen to what they have to say. LISTEN without planning to respond. Just pay attention and try to imagine yourself in their shoes. Ask questions to clarify and understand their perspective. Your curiosity will come naturally.
So get out there and have a smashing first date. And if it doesn’t work out? Don’t worry. I’ve got you covered in guide #6, where we’ll discuss how to sever a connection — kindly and maturely.
i used to think love needed to be exhilarating and all that. like a joyride. i’d go wild for the ups and downs and i thought that defined an ideal relationship. i’d play games with insecure men, men who had no idea what they wanted and were wasting our time, in an attempt to best them. i believe i always came out on top, but did i really? i didn’t realise then that my actions were, in fact, a reflection of my unmet needs that (even) breaking multiple men’s egos could not address.
don’t get me wrong — i loved breaking them, i regret nothing: i did not know better. i don’t think that belligerent part of me will ever go away; it is a kind of pleasure that cannot be captured in words.
but love isn’t about breaking; it’s about building. it was not real love (whatever that means) that i had with them; it only seemed that way because i loved the thrill — i loved the hunt, because i am a hunter.
instead, what i needed was really serenity — and that’s what i feel with him. we could just sit in silence together, listening to absurd current affairs on the radio. or he could roll down the windows on a morning drive, and i’d just quietly feel the wind brush my face and his hand against mine; he brings the back of my hand to his cheek, and just reminiscing about it makes me sob. i’m perfectly content just being by his side. he’s not something to be hunted or broken; he’s someone to be loved.
even hunters have families to return to.
like the rain washes away all sins, he swept in like a storm and blew the competition out of the water.
the thing about love (in hindsight) is that you don’t know until you know. i had to keep searching in the dark alone, armed only with hope, until i found it. and it comes suddenly, but you’ll know when it’s there. it just is. it’s running home into the warmth of someone’s arms, knowing that they’ve been waiting for you all along, knowing that you belong there.
i found my friends when i least expected it; i found him when i least expected it. and even if he doesn’t stay, even if they don’t stay, they’ll always be branded into my heart.
and so i’m going now, my hands in theirs, their hands in mine.
I have a complicated relationship with my orbiters. Their distinguishing feature is that they are men with whom I have been emotionally entangled, who watch my stories but who do not otherwise have any contact with me by their choice. They could DM or text me — I don’t block men I don’t care for — but they do not. I do not consider them friends. Maybe fans, or a little less, because placing them in the same category as my darling fans would be insulting to the latter. Either way, they are a special class of men because I pay much attention to them.
I maintain a level of detachment from them for the sake of my well-being but, nonetheless, am drawn to them like a moth to fire. I am endlessly fascinated by their behaviour as an object of study; I stay transfixed because they are like a puzzle whose pieces are constantly transmogrifying.
As we have clearly established, I love to read too much into human behaviour — it’s an occupational hazard. And I think orbiting behaviour is particularly revealing of desire due to its nature.
Orbiting in the form of story-watching behaviour is a two-way street, at least with insane girls like me. Again, men (and women) are deliberate in their actions. My friends say “maybe he’s just watching your stories because you pop up on his feed (because you post insane shit all the time)”, but are people really that simple? An orbiter does not accidentally watch your stories. They are orbiters because there are fixed patterns to their behaviour; they are there again and again like permanent fixtures. And given how confrontational I am, I know they know that I know they’re watching my stories. It’s like standing with your back to another person in a room of mirrors. You look up at yourself, and then at them, realising that they’re watching you too, even though both of you do not ever move.
This creates a relationship that is simultaneously parasocial and symbiotic. As much as I enjoy their presence, I think they, too, get a high from following my social media — because I feed them in return.
So let me feed you with this post.
Here’s the tall tale I spin in my head because I’m a crazy girl and I can think whatever I want (and I own it 100%!). You’re still here because you realise you messed up your only chance with me. Maybe it’s because you were in a bad place or not emotionally ready; you had not yet found yourself. That’s okay; it doesn’t matter anymore. Either way, you regret that you didn’t seize the chance when you had it.
And you don’t know what to do now, so you linger.
I am not sure what to say in response. You wanted something from me, and you took it, didn’t you? I gave you what you wanted, because I loved you, because I wanted you to be happy, even if the time we had together was so infinitesimal. But no matter what I did, I wasn’t enough for you then, and you made your decision then, split-second or not, calculated or not.
Isn’t this what you wanted?
I could block you but I won’t. Why? Because that would be giving you the easy way out. I’ll be frank: I don’t think you deserve that from me. And I love watching you suffer. Every single time you turn around for a second, third, fourth, fifth look, every single time you come back to me unprompted. The more you hurt me in the past, the more I’ll enjoy it.
Well, or so I thought. Huh? Like I said, I used to love playing games with silly cute boys. But in retrospect, I notice that there would inevitably come a tipping point where my objective ceased to be communicating my feelings for them in the hopes that they would reciprocate. All I wanted was to crush them.
I don’t know who or what to or why I was trying to prove myself, but here’s the thing — I always won, and crush them I did. One of the boys I was intent on breaking (because I felt that he had wronged me) eventually conceded through an apology. But when I saw his text, contrary to my glorious expectations, I didn’t feel a sense of victory. It was more like… ah, we’ve been through so much, haven’t we?
But… what was all of this for?
There was a brief period when I actively attempted to ignore my darling orbiters because I felt they were a waste of my time and emotional bandwidth. (Damn energy vampires.) However, I have since realised (perhaps in a post-hoc justification kind of way) that they were pivotal to my emotional growth.
Take Mr Temasek, for example (if you’re here, hi!!! Did it work out with your ex? Hahahahahaha). One encounter with him stands out; I think it will be all I remember of him in time.
We were seated, facing each other; he asked me what my biggest insecurity was (at that point).
And I was honest with him because I trusted him then: I told him, point blank, that I feared men only saw me for my (hot N sexy) body, even though I was so willing to love them.
For at least a second, I thought I recognized empathy in his pretty eyes — a moment of vulnerability I believed was worth revealing myself for.
And then he proceeded to precisely exploit that insecurity against me, haha.
Well (shrugs). We live and we learn. I was out of commission for a good two months or so thanks to his selfishness (and my weaknesses then; it takes two hands to clap). But he taught me an important emotional lesson, which later helped me find the one. Everything happens for a reason.
This is all much ado about nothing. Like OK sis, what is your point?
So here it is in the spirit of full disclosure. I like to pretend that I’m some harbinger of feminine rage, but surprise — despite everything, insanely, I want you to be happy. In the end, we’re all interconnected. Even if our paths will never cross again (I sure hope they don’t), they did at one point. I did love you.
I can be as delulu as I want, but in the end, I will never know why you’re still here. And I don’t intend to find out; that’s what keeps you endlessly fascinating. We always want the things we cannot have.
I liked to credit the men like the two examples above for being my muses. But I’ve been giving credit to the wrong people. I am like this today, and I could write all of this now, because I opted to learn from my mistakes instead of letting them break my spirit. I grew despite you, but also because of you. I would not be where I am today without you — for better or for worse.
And somehow, I choose better — without you.
You’ve served your purpose in my life. I hope I’ve served mine. So let’s part ways now, for your sake.
Listen to this — it’s the sound of how much I would’ve loved you.
And then let go.
But hey, if you do choose to stay, then watch, watch, watch me.
I wrote before that love is a little like falling asleep. To quote John Green: I fell in love like you would fall asleep: slowly and then all at once. Maybe somewhat faster for me because, after all, I am a hyperoptimiser: I knew he was the one by the end of our first date.
Why did I meet him? He likes jazz too. He’s the only one who genuinely wanted to go to a jazz show with me, not for me (observe how we came full circle). I made time for him because I sincerely wanted to connect with someone with the same interest. Wouldn’t it be fun, even if we didn’t work out? And I was right. He did not need to be anything he was not, nor did I.
Why did he “win”? There are a few things, but one turning point was when he held my hand. Huh, that’s it? Yeah. Because hand-holding is an emotionally loaded gesture. Before him, I had never held hands with any of the others outside of a sexual context. Men will tongue-wrestle you, hook their arm around your hips as you walk, or put their hand on your thigh (thinking they’re slick), blagh, but they will not hold your hand unless they’re ready. That’s love in its most intimate form, or so I believe. When he interlaced his fingers with mine, he was opening his heart to me: he was giving himself to me.
And so I did the same because I wanted to, for him.
Another one for kicks: some of my prior dates ended with the men saying I was enigmatic (??) or they were unsure about me (or gave me a hard no, which was superior, to be honest). They always had this distant look in the end… as if they were struggling to imagine how I fit into their future.
With him, though? At one point, I said, “if you’re so good to me, what if I beg you to see me again?”
He replied, without hesitation: “please do just that; I’d love it if you did.”
How did I know? When I fell asleep in his arms, the ocean was quiet: I did not dream. And yes, he felt like home. (The morning after, I wrote geometry.)
So yeah, nappeun yeoja, but this is it, LOL.
Babygirl’s retiring from the game; she’s had her run and received her prize.
yeah this was meant to be a semi-serious post until i got on pinterest
My Report Card, for Evaluation’s Sake
Dating period, where my first date with him marks the end: 1 to 18/7/24; 2 weeks, 4 days (Jazz in July isn’t even over, and we’re going again!)
Total # men encountered on Hinge: Lost count. LOL. Not important. I did review at least 200 men on Hinge; the night I cleared a backlog of 100+, I downed 18 shots and crawled on the road at some point I can’t recall. (On the bright side, I converted him the same night. And he took care of my bruises after. They’re almost gone!)
Total # men matched: 54
Total # converted to Telegram: 17 (i.e. 30% of matched)
Total # dates (“full conversions”) including with him: 7 — 4 met once, 1 met twice, and then him (i.e. 30% fully converted from Tele). Lucky seven, as he jokes. Lucky me. Can’t wait for the seventh time I see him. (Notice the # of this post in this series? And subtract 18 from today’s date. I love patterns.)
Kill rate (% of conversions I wanted to sleep with vs actually slept with): 100%, haha. A slut to the close-minded, an undefeated hunter to the players, a divine babygirl to him.
Total # of men (still) orbiting me: One too many. For their sake, I hope it eventually becomes 0 — either they upgrade to friends or move on with their lives.
We might not work out in the end — life has no guarantees — but I’m committed to making it work. (I mean, if it doesn’t, I’ll just rinse and repeat the cycle. I’ve established quite clearly that it’s effective for me.)
Even if it doesn’t, I know we’ll both grow. I just hope we can make it together.
That’s my promise to him.
(And no, don’t ask me about him. I will not share. I have overshared enough. He’s mine, as I affirmed even before we met. Haha!)
I was looking for love. In the process, I found it in myself. When that happened, he manifested into being for me, as if from a dream.
There might be “better” out there. But what does that mean anyway? To “hyperoptimise”, as was my goal from the beginning, is to find the best solution available given a fixed set of parameters.
We are not looking for perfection; it is unattainable. He isn’t perfect, and neither am I.
But he’s good enough for me as he is, and I’m good enough for him as I am.
And isn’t that what matters in the end?
me listening to him yap. (more like the other way around)
Finally, to all my dear readers: thank you for being here with me throughout. It really has been magical.
Meeting new people was the best thing that happened to me this year. There’s so much out there, so much to learn, so much to do. There are so many others like myself with their own stories, waiting to be uncovered — waiting to be loved.
Again and again — I hope you find the love you deserve. Be brave! Life will work out for you — it’s only a matter of time.
OK clowns we are back with another instalment hot on the heels of #3 (knowing thyself). Now that you know who you are and what you want, it is time to get out there and DESTROY your opponents.
me sifting through my knowledge stack
First, we will hyperoptimise our profiles on dating apps. Then, we will hyperoptimise the “pruning process”, that is, deciding who converts from dating app match -> texting. More in guide #5 later.
What’s in a (Good) Profile?
I only used Hinge, so we’re going to run with that. I didn’t use Tinder because hearsay it’s primarily a hookup app (not that I wouldn’t thrive there), avoided Coffee Meets Bagel because I was afraid people there were too wholesome, and that’s right — no Bumble for me because I don’t chase, I attract! And definitely no Kopi Date because men better pay to meet me, not vice versa. (I’m cackling lol)
Dating apps are exceptionally unforgiving environments; one swipe to the left, and you’re out for good. You only have one chance to impress, which will be determined by your profile.
So some tips based on my observations:
Every photo and every prompt response must illustrate a quirk that distinguishes you as a person from others. Hinge allows for 6 pictures/videos and 3 text prompts and lets you play around with voice recordings and polls, among other things. There’s so much room for experimentation! I have nothing to complain about on their end. But they can only do so much — more important is how you utilise this potential handed to you.
The point of a profile is to communicate information about you as a distinct individual. Hence, you want to use every weapon at your disposal to convince others that you are ✨ unique and special ✨.
Disclaimer: I accept that I have some pretty privilege (there’s no way around this; either I admit that I have it and I am perceived as self-absorbed, or I pretend that I don’t have it and I am perceived as fake). This pretty privilege shapes the way I evaluate and swipe. But if you look put together and you’re authentic, you’re already ahead of the game. Social perception is an incredibly powerful gift — humans make accurate impressions of others within 5 seconds about how extroverted, intelligent, and even responsible they are. Even on a dating app, if you look closely enough, you can quickly tell who’s secure and authentic — and who’s not. We run with what we have.
Some general recommendations across genders
In #3 I joked about “boring and cliche” people, but it is actually extremely difficult to be one. As long as you have any hobby — a niche interest you do for its own sake — you are no longer boring because you now have experiences that differentiate you from others. To really be boring, you must (1) not do anything remotely interesting at all, or you (2) cannot communicate your experiences in a way that allows you to connect with others.
But some hobbies are less niche than others. Like watching K-drama. Not that it’s not a valid hobby, but stating it does nothing to distinguish you from everyone else.
One thing that is NOT a hobby, by the way, is sleeping. Because LITERALLY everyone sleeps. For the love of god, DO NOT spend a precious prompt indicating that you like to sleep or cuddle. EVERYONE likes to sleep or cuddle. You’re better off saying you love to have sex, because at least you’d be admired as someone who has the guts to admit it.
See below for an example sent by a friend. I would be worried about being flamed, but I realise that this poll is so generic that the person probably couldn’t even identify it as theirs with confidence… and that’s the whole point.
my choice is no date.
Dog and cat pictures are OK (if you’re hot) (I’m joking), but they’re such an overexploited offering that they won’t help you stand out unless the pet is a defining feature of your identity (e.g., you are a cat dad).
This logic extends to everything, actually. If you don’t have some witty thing or niche hobby to include, go big or go home with some wild experience instead. You like films? Share that you binge-watched 8 films in a row and fainted. You like travelling? Share that you got ROBBED in Europe or lost your passport and was detained at the airport. Trump supporter? Please post a picture of you wearing a MAGA cap so I can swipe left and report you too.
Funny incidents. Recommended. One of my friends uploaded a voice recording of him (disguised as a news report) sardonically detailing how he got hit by a car and flung along the road. Now that’s a standout feature. I would swipe right for that alone.
Sports is good in general.
Y’all have no idea how many men I swiped for their pictures alone. Yes. I have no shame. I LOVE rugby boys; they look so intense when they’re ballin’ (screams unhingedly). I LOVE dragon boaters pumping it in the water. I LOVE men who golf — an uncountable number of men received requests from me to hit me with their sticks. Hell, you could post a funny picture of you struggling on a Pilates reformer machine, and I would laugh and swipe right. That’s the whole point — to entertain and to impress.
The same goes for girls. I am starting to notice a trend where I find that men are surprisingly willing to simp over strong and fit girls. It’s just embedded in our DNA to want fit people.
Oh, gym pictures and mirror selfies are mid, by the way. Because virtually everyone gyms nowadays. It’s about the sport, because it demonstrates a hobby.
Travel pictures/stories. OK if you’re doing something funny/exciting (shows you have personality and grit) or it’s an outlandish story. I do not care if your favourite travel destination is Japan. Scenic backdrops are OK if you have a lovely smile to accompany them, but use them in moderation.
Education. Intelligence reigns supreme in mating decisions, regardless of gender. This should already be covered by your demographic information. Still, if you really don’t have any other pictures to put, a picture of you in a graduation gown with your institution as a backdrop is an OK choice. Like, guy #5 had a pic of him at his graduation ceremony from a world top 5 uni (I cannot elaborate more in case I am sued) and yeah. He even took the time to kindly reiterate to me that he had lived overseas. Like we couldn’t tell, sir.
Voice prompts. The best voice recording is a funny one (e.g. bad singing or something subversive). There are no exceptions to this. You playing a musical instrument is a close second. And DO NOT WHISPER TO ME SULTRILY THAT YOU LIKE TO SLEEP OR THAT I AM A GOOD GIRL!!!!!!
Demographic information/ your preferences.
For Singaporeans, hide the following information: gender, sexuality, gender you’re interested in, hometown, ethnicity. They’re just clutter and add no value if you’re a normie (like me). But if you’re not a normie, indicate the aspects that would surprise a general audience.
Your religious and political beliefs. Important to state to sieve out people dissimilar from you (you cannot ignore their ugly heads for long, no matter how hard you try). If someone’s apolitical, they’re immediately out for me, no matter how good their ELO is.
Family plans. VERY IMPORTANT. Dealbreaker.
Your dating intentions and relationship type. Important. Don’t lie about it — you will waste everyone’s time. Most people seek monogamous relationships, so that’s not an issue. More interesting is dating intentions. I provide a layman’s translation below for the preferences.
Life partner = I WANT TO GET MARRIED AND I ROUGHLY KNOW WHEN.
Long-term relationship = I MIGHT WANT TO GET MARRIED, BUT I’M UNSURE WHEN.
Long-term relationship, open to short = I WANT A PARTNER, BUT I’M DTF.
Short-term relationship, open to long = I AM PRIMARILY DTF, BUT YOU MIGHT CHANGE MY MIND. DON’T HOPE FOR IT THOUGH!
Short-term relationship = I AM JUST HERE TO SMASH OR HAVE A SITUATIONSHIP!!! I SHOULD BE ON TINDER!!! WHY AM I HERE!!!
Figuring out my dating goals = I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I WANT. HELP! 🚩🚩🚩
Prefer not to say = AVOID ME AT ALL COSTS, BECAUSE I AM HIDING SOMETHING.
Assuming men prioritise physical attractiveness, all you have to do is show that you’re hot.
I didn’t put my bikini picture on there, but I’d probably have had more matches if I had. I did put my garter reel on there, and of course, it drove the boys crazy, even if they pretended otherwise. (I know you watched the video, even if you messaged me via another prompt.)
But note that being hot only gets your foot in the door. It doesn’t mean you’ll hold their attention. You also need some degree of personality (see above), or you won’t be wife material.
mm.
Men: have it a little harder
Assume women are looking for security in the form of a man (1) being able to provide economic and status resources, (2) offering physical protection, and (3) being willing to commit. You need to communicate these three aspects to be an ideal fit for a long-term partner.
Uniform (NS) pictures are particularly interesting because they are fundamentally about two things: power and by extension authority kinks. Being a high-ranking soldier always helps, but eh, there are many officers around so don’t expect it to build your case much. A guy did tell me he was a Captain, though, and that was mm, chef’s kiss. Nice. But he said I was too unhinged. And if you look like a daddy in your uniform picture, well? Throw it in, baby! Bonus for you, bonus for me.
Some picture of you doing a rich-looking hobby. You don’t actually have to be rich. Examples of rich-looking hobbies are diving, golf, wine, driving a BOAT, I am out of ideas. I know this sounds classist. But people are classist, especially in Singapore, whether they admit it or not. We’re just playing by the rules. But you don’t have to if you don’t want to.
Willingness to commit. Generally, women who are looking for LTRs avoid fuckboy-looking profiles because the vibe they communicate is “I’m a hot guy, I have choices, you’re in for a ride”. (This comes from someone with the same vibe on their profile.) I was more than happy to play along with a handsome boy who looked like one, though, because I trusted that he was looking for love. He proceeded to disappoint me. Sigh. Like I said, first impressions don’t lie.
attaboy
Now my friends (rubs hands) is the EXCITING PART!!!
That’s right — we’re critiquing GWYN’S HINGE PROFILE!!!
Observe: babygirl in the wild.
Alright. Let’s break down my profile based on the pictures and prompts in the order you see in the video.
Video #1 (garter reel): Got 200k on Instagram reels. Can’t go wrong. I think it works because of the surprise factor (someone told me it’s borderline flashing) and my knowing smile.
The poll (Hell’s Museum): Optimised to identify prospects interested in visiting Haw Par Villa, which seemed like a fun first date to me. Going to Hell, that is. Quite revealing of my personality.
The voice prompt: You can’t hear it but it’s me mispronouncing my name (in the style of Wahluigi) against the backdrop of video game music. I thought it was funny. Some people agreed.
Text prompt #1 (Jazz in July): Specifies a relatively niche music genre, jazz, which I love. It sieves out people who are open to new or similar interests. (I return to this in guide #7; it was a surprisingly pivotal prompt. Also, going back to guide #2, it effectively showed me who had a genuine interest in my hobbies.)
Demographics. Note the omission of non-critical information.
Picture #1 (phone booth): Simply because I’m smiling authentically. I really liked this moment in time. You catch the vibe or you don’t.
Picture #2 (mirror selfie): I felt hot with this one. That’s it. It’s one of the more popular pictures among my matches.
Text prompt #2 (weirdly attracted to men): Communicates my love-hate relationship with men and if you read into it more, my bratty nature. Easy to reply to to start a conversation (it’s all about pandering to the audience). I’ll admit it’s not the best prompt, though, because it’s quite generic.
Video #2 (pool): Another hobby to connect with others like myself. I’m not good, but that’s not the point. The point is to demonstrate you’re willing to try something new.
Text prompt #3 (Tajikistan): I wrote this because I had learned that fact the day before and didn’t have anything else to write. It communicates somewhat that I enjoy trivia. It was not a very good prompt, though it did have its takers.
Picture #3 (cat ears): Tailored to the male gaze.
Picture #4 (Tom meme): Because I love him. Also, high-level playful jab as if to judge men eyeing my profile (to make them a bit self-aware).
Feel free to criticise constructively for discussion’s sake. It won’t hurt my feelings because whatever you say, it worked well enough for me.
I later modified my profile to replace the following:
Original
Modified
Rationale for change
Text Prompt #1 (Jazz in July)
Together, we could To save your time and mine, I: [included my dealbreakers]
Only Two (2) People in my entire time on Hinge were genuinely interested in jazz. So, I can’t believe I’m saying this, but it was too niche to the point that it was almost useless. (But see guide #7 when it’s out…)
The dealbreakers text was a significant improvement from the original because it effectively filtered out men who could not handle me.
Text Prompt #2 (weirdly attracted to men)
I won’t shut up about how to hyperoptimise love and dating
Well, self-explanatory. And serves as a conversation starter since people are interested in this topic.
Text Prompt #3 (Tajikistan)
What if I told you that I can tell what your aura is by the end of our first date
Party trick I realised I had a talent for after going on a few first dates. And people love hearing about how others see them.
So yeah, I eliminated what wasn’t working. I didn’t have time to change the pictures, though if I could, I would replace the one of me playing pool with me drunkenly yelling in public. In the style of if you can’t handle this, don’t swipe me.
OK that was longer than I expected. Let’s move on to the Conversion Process.
The Conversion Process: App -> Texting
Use the in-app chat platform to sieve out instant dealbreakers. This includes people who are RUDE or who don’t know their boundaries.
Examples. Again, profile pictures are not hidden because I do not care. You put yourself out there, you deal with the consequences of your behaviour.
^ This guy is a particularly good example of someone who should be instantly DQed. A “neg” is a psychological tactic primarily used by men to get women. It involves insulting the woman to bring her confidence down, hoping she’ll like you more in an attempt to compensate. But I don’t even think he was operating at this level — I wouldn’t give him that much credit. He probably just disliked me.
I did convert him to Telegram, because he was hot and I was trying to see the good in him, but it was a mistake. Our subsequent texting was toxic af. We didn’t full-out hurl insults at each other, but I could feel his contempt for me dripping in his words. It was a disgusting experience. Why put myself through that? And you might think that you can change them, but consider: what are you really inviting with a person who fundamentally believes he can be rude to strangers?If he’s rude to you from the beginning, he will continue to be rude. Anyway, next.
^ Asking for head off the bat is insane. You think you deserve head from me? Men would BEG and then PAY for it, and you think you can get it with what??? A skincare routine, like, basic self-care? Jesus. Immediately dropped.
Only convert with those with whom you have established a degree of conversational flow. This is subjective, but once you feel comfortable texting them, convert them immediately from the app to amessaging platform. I usually give my Telegram username and ask them to DM me. I do this typically within an hour or at most a day of texting them on Hinge. After all, if you don’t like them later, you can sever the connection (see guide #6 on this topic).
I think that’s enough for this post. In the next guide, #5, we will discuss the rules of engagement — that is, how to build rapport on Telegram AND how to have a great first date! See you then. Kiss ❤
Alright, ya clowns, we are so back because I just submitted the first draft of my thesis. Good riddance! In letting it spread its wings, I, too, flew here immediately.
In this episode, we do the preparatory legwork before we jump into the battlefield.
Huh? Not dating yet? Yeah. Don’t get yourself all tangled up. Fail to prepare, and prepare to fail.
We will cover two aspects: knowing thyself and knowing thy enemy (as an extension of #1).
A necessary caveat to protect my readers’ feelings because I care for you: all of this is my own opinion. I am critical by design because because criticism is the way to improve. I fully acknowledge I may be wrong, and I might change my mind in the future. If you don’t like what you see, you don’t have to read it; set your own boundaries, or others will do it for you. But interestingly, if you experience a sting, it’s probably because you see yourself reflected herein.
oo wee (gee)!
Knowing Thyself
To know yourself and conquer the battlefield, you must be able to confidently answer two questions:
Who are you, babygirl? And what do you have to offer the market?
The Rationale
I mention figuring out what you have to offer. Now, I am all against self-objectification (I deal with enough from men daily. Stop DMing me from your damn anon alt-accounts or I will jolly well block you. This is my FINAL warning; stay in your place). But if love is a game, marriage is a market, and you are ultimately a commodity on auction. You define your own value, but you will still be subjected to market rate considerations. Nobody will pay for you if you act like you’re all that but have no concrete value.
Men (and women) can smell when you are all style and no substance. My second date told me he had met a girl who was “all talk and no show”, and his evaluation of her was “arrogant”. Ugh. I cringed internally for her. I would hate to be her; the prospect terrified me. I’m sure it’s the same for you. (That being said, what does it matter what others think of you? There’s no one to please when you play by your own rules.)
The point is that you need to be realistic and pragmatic about what you really are. Again, reducing ourselves to objects in the style of Carousell — bless that hellhole — you need to set accurate prices to find buyers. If you want to reach a class of buyers (the “elites”) that can pay a lot and are willing to, you have to be worth a lot in the first place.
And it’s not that hard to align yourself when you see things as they are. Think of it this way: when you underprice something on Carousell (as I did once), the messages come in a tsunami. When you overprice it, that item sits in your storeroom for years. Only when you find the sweet spot can you start pruning the buyers genuinely interested in making a transaction. On a dating app like Hinge, the logic is similar. If you present yourself authentically, you won’t have a shortage of likes from people who are interested in you as you are. But if you’re inauthentic or booooooring, you won’t be attracting “elite” buyers — which I assume is what you are seeking.
the bar gets lower everyday
Note the emphasis on as you are. Many buyers are out there, some of which are “elites”, but that does not mean they are a good fit for you. Sure, we got a snazzy, tall, handsome, rich man out here for drinks (story below, keep reading), but he looks at you condescendingly and only wants to sleep with you. Are you going to accept that? It’s you we’re talking about, you know. You’re so much more than an item on sale. Respect yourself.
The Process of Becoming
You must first know what you are and be willing to do the shadow work to get there. The fundamental question is: do you see and accept yourself as you are?
The easy questions
What are your goals and dreams? Where do you want to be in a year, in five years’ time?
What are your hobbies?
What are your strengths?
And so on. These are simple questions to answer but are nonetheless crucial because where you want to go will determine what kind of partner you’re looking for. In other words, they help you piece together your key considerations and dealbreakers.
Here’s mine after I did some self-analysis. It’s not the full version because why would I reveal myself so fully to the public (yes, I am being sarcastic). I’m just putting it here because I wrote it in jest, but it works well enough.
If he does the following, I would die for him (inclusion criteria)
If he DOESN’T do the following, he can go away x (exclusion criteria/dealbreakers)
Read REAL books regularly (yes I am gatekeeping)
Read my blog and tell me how much he loves my art
Actively listen (stop using your damn phone)
Act BE obsessed with me 24/7/365
Communicate his thoughts and needs (a defining feature of a secure man)
Plaster pictures of me all over his phone and social media profiles
Practice ACCOUNTABILITY
Text me first, politely, stating his intentions clearly
Have big dick energy
Like me for more than just my hot N sexy body
Hmm. It’s quite close to what I actually want.
But life’s not all flowers and sunshine.
The harder questions (the real shadow work)
What are the flaws that define you? More importantly, are you okay with them?
A fantastic example from yours truly: my emotional intensity (often confused with “volatility“, which I will never stop yapping about). Tl;dr I feel emotions to an extreme degree, ostensibly more so than others experiencing those same emotions. Let’s say the same nice thing happened to us today, and we are both happy about it. While you might experience it as a 7/10 in intensity, I’m probably a 9/10. It doesn’t seem like an issue (ignoring my hypomanic antics) until I have negative emotions like sadness and anger. When I’m sad, I’m really sad, like 9/10 all the time. And when I’m mad — haha. Like they say, hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.
I don’t want to get into this further because it’s irrelevant to the discussion, but to put it simply and for my own closure, I don’t believe I’m more intense than the average person. I think people have this mistaken impression because (1) I can articulate my emotions clearly through writing, and (2) most people are not as keen on expressing their thoughts as publicly as I do. But just because you don’t see someone’s emotions doesn’t mean they’re not feeling it.
And because I feel this strange need to defend myself again, I no longer vent my negative emotions on people. I put them in places for me. And if my friends need distance from my evil space, they are always welcome to step away from the room. It’s not their problem unless they care.
Finally, consider this: what is a flaw, socially speaking? In contexts like social interaction with infinite possibilities, virtually any personality trait could be perceived as a strength as much as a flaw. I discuss it as a personality flaw in finding a husband because it repeatedly emerged as a dealbreaker for prospective men. But I doubt it is a flaw otherwise. If you took this part of me away, I would be an empty husk; I would no longer be the Gwyneth adored by my family, friends, and fans.
But that’s enough digression. Suffice it to say that I have accepted my emotional intensity as essential to my identity or how I view myself as a separate individual (yay, social psych!). Once I came to terms with myself, I could easily identify and eliminate those who would not help me grow. It is OK if they do not accept me; I am whole as I am. I will find someone who will accept me and walk by my side.
And that’s the beauty of it all, I guess: when you accept your flaws, they are no longer flaws.
The Consequences of Becoming
Okay, story time. I posted Instagram stories about this immediately after it happened (see highlights > Unhinged), but I’ll do a short recap because there are so many things to take away from it.
He was the fifth man I met since the Hinge era. We’ll call him #5. He invited me to drinks at this fancy bar. We did not text much prior to meeting. But his ELO score was so high that I threw caution to the wind (a mistake, as we will see). Essentially, this guy was maxed out on his educational attainment, job/income, height (perfect 180cm, supposedly), family background, and musical/sports skills. And he was handsome to boot. His profile was so absurd that when I saw it in my matches, I was like, babygirl’s in the big leagues, baby.
But here’s the thing: I had a gut feeling I was not enough for him. I texted my friends shortly before meeting him, quote in verbatim:
tbh he prolly just wants to sleep with me. i’m not wife material for this kind of level (i am not putting myself down. i am realistic). and i wouldn’t mind but actually i would. i not feeling it tonight
Why? We had nothing in common. Not education, definitely not income, ignore height, family background unclear. I was interested in engaging in some of his hobbies, but I was not there yet. I had not yet become what he was. In other words, there was an absence of connection.
Lo and behold, as God willed it, I was right on the dollar. I did not feel safe around this man and it stayed that way throughout. He wasn’t actively posing a threat to me, no, but I could feel my body unconsciously rejecting him. When he asked to hold my hand, and I put them in his, my arms literally strained to pull away. When he casually put his arm around my shoulder, I had to fight the instinctive urge to lock my body. (Another funny detail: he told me he had already had dinner. I was like… oh. Now that’s new. Talk about hyperoptimised dating; even the meal is eliminated!)
We did have a single moment when we genuinely shared a laugh, but it was not enough. He told me at the end that I was not what he was looking for. I was like, OK, taken aback, but I understand (all according to keikaku).
And… I don’t think I’ll sleep with you tonight.
When those words left my pretty mouth, he demonstrated the elite equivalent of a seizure. His eyes widened almost imperceptibly (what is this, Wattpad?), and he froze in his seat, tilting his head at me like I was some alien. I stared back at him, confused… starting to understand. He was so confident he could bag me based on his conditions alone that he had not anticipated failure.
Then we went downstairs to return to our separate homes. And we were settling our last goodbyes when he suddenly stepped forward to be closer to me. I flinched and backed away. I had to reiterate that I did not intend to sleep with him. And he looked at me in that way again, with that perplexed, distant gaze, indicating his inability to comprehend how a woman (who did not feel safe with him) could possibly not want to sleep with him. By this time, I already knew that he was not honest about his intentions insofar as he did not admit them — sealing his disqualification, sexually and emotionally.
He then got into the cab, and I was left standing there dazed as if I had emerged from a chess game.
He won the game, but I won the war, I guess.
real clown-to-clown communication moment
And yes, true to his fine upbringing, he texted me to thank me for my time with good grace afterwards. But even his text was de-rizzed, like he had deflatedly realised his place. I had excised the ego from the man. I reciprocated and then wiped the chat.
(He told me not to write about him, by the way. They all do. I don’t care.)
Apologies for the exposition. To circle back to our main point, when you know what you are and what you want, you can break any man’s ego. Sorry, I mean, you’ll be able to find the one for you way more efficiently.
Knowing Thy Enemy
Speaking of finding the one for you —
What do you want, babygirl?
You need to date to know what you want. If you don’t know what’s out there, you don’t know what’s good for you. It really is that simple. If you think you know what you want without having dated anyone, you’re probably relying on societal assumptions to define what you want. If that works for you, go ahead, but your chances of suboptimal outcomes are higher.
But there’s a hidden rule here — you attract what you are.
A man from my past reached out to me on Hinge. I was amused, so I replied, but he was never in the running. Not because of our history but because he couldn’t even figure out what he wanted from a relationship (as his profile indicated, not my assumption). OK, so you want to fuck me? Then say it like you mean it, and I’ll decide. (I had decided in advance: no.)
If you are confused, you will attract a confused person. In my humble opinion, that is a colossal waste of time because I am looking for a HUSBAND. However, I’m all for it if you guys can align on your confusion and collaborate to work it out together.
And that’s the kicker: even if you don’t know, you have to know that you don’t know.
Hence, we come full circle to knowing thyself.
Marrying (haha) the Two
To me, love is about finding the ideal partner while being the ideal partner. Thus, as I reiterate, work on yourself before you get out there. A relationship is a project, and you need to pull your weight. Any self-respecting person would expect their teammates to do their part, so why should you be exempt? You might have gotten away with it in your studies, but do you think the dating circle will be this forgiving? If you want to love, be ready to give yourself completely.
Knowing yourself and knowing your enemy are concepts that kind of reciprocally influence each other, but the first is paramount.
When you know and accept yourself, everything else will come naturally.
i am cursed to be a woman; i am cursed to feel. the problem is that i struggle to determine who really wants me for who i am before i fall. elite men or otherwise, it is undeniable that i am only a body to some of them. i fear the proportion is higher than i wish it is. […]
but my femininity is not a weakness, it is a strength.
to my friends, and for my fans now
Welcome back to Gwyn’s Guide to Hyperoptimised Dating, where dating (and love) is a numbers game — and we hack it to hell.
Oh, following feedback from a fan yesterday on post #1 (sex and love), I wanted to take this space to add something before we proceed. They raised a good point that some men need time to get to know you better before they decide if you’re the one for them. If you bypass the pre-sex courtship, then, it is likelier that the man might develop feelings for you and get “sucked in” (verbatim quote, poor men!). Therefore, you lose the bucket of fence-sitters if you sleep with them early on.
It’s a fair point and I don’t disagree. My answer is that this boils down to personal preference: are you willing to give the fence-sitters a chance? I’ve met men who knew I was the one for them — at least, at that point — from the first time we met, and they were willing to show me from the start. Do I want to settle for anything less? I don’t think so.
In Part 2, on special request by a sweetheart, we will discuss signs of interest and when to disqualify.
I hope the psychopaths who want me don’t read this, or I have to wrack my brain to discover new and innovative ways to determine if men are interested in me (beyond my body). GOD!
I would say it all boils down to a gut feeling, but I thought that one of them I met was the one and that went down the drain real quick. So out with the vibes, out with the delusions, babygirls. At least I caught myself instantly this time — clearly, the compartmentalisation practice is working out.
We look only at actions hereon.
What’s in a Date?
With shock and surprise, I realised retroactively that men (and women) who are genuinely interested in you will want to partake in your hobbies. Groundbreaking indeed.
mrw
As you all know, it’s Jazz in July, and I initially began only intending to find cute boys to go to jazz concerts with (before I got sidetracked by hot men… thank you, Jesus…).
There were, broadly speaking, only two types of responses I received:
I don’t know much about jazz, but I’d love to try if you’re willing to have me 🙂
I don’t like jazz; can we do something else?
How interesting, right? Now, you can argue that the second type of man simply knows what he wants. That’s okay. I love men who are honest and have opinions. However, note that there is less acquiescence on his part compared to the first response type. If you bring it to the logical maximum it suggests that he is less interested in what you like as opposed to what he likes.
It is not about what we actually do. It is about how we get there.
Still, one date is poor sample sizing; there is nothing to interpolate from. Yet we must do our best because we are hyperoptimising.
Hence, we look at what we do on the second date (if there is one).
When planning the date together, did they ask what you’d like to do? Are they at least suggesting things that meet in the middle for both of you?
During the date, are they asking about you? What do you like, babygirl? What do you want in life? Where are you going? What are your fears? What do you look for in a partner? …How can I love you in the best way I can?
Or are they talking about themselves incessantly?
Texting, Yapping, Quality Time, Whatever You Like
Again, being kind and giving the benefit of the doubt, a relationship is meant to be founded on compromises. One guy mentioned we could go to a jazz bar, which was nice enough of him.
Unfortunately, he proceeded to text me remarkably inconsistently, so I figured he liked someone else more, dropped him, and bumped up my next favourite (possibly one of my top 10 decisions this year). It’s a pity (I exaggerate) because his face card was fantastic, but more importantly, I knew he could love — he still has pictures of his ex from years ago on his Instagram! (He orbits me, by the way. If you’re here, hi.)
The above is an example of a universal truth. If they wanted you, they would text you. NOBODY IS THAT BUSY THAT THEY CANNOT TEXT YOU. DO NOT MAKE EXCUSES FOR THEM! Additionally, the critical element distinguishing an excellent communicator (look out for it) is that if they were really busy, they would take the initiative to explain why. An exemplar:
Hey babygirl, I’m so sorry for my delayed responses as I’ve been swamped with work. Still, please feel free to text me whenever, and I’ll do my best to get back to you whenever I can. Love you lots x
It really is that simple. If you don’t have the physical bandwidth to write that, then bloody hell, just copy the text above and send it to the person you care about. My god! Do I have to say this!
People who love you will always set aside time for you.
They will not ghost you. I hate that term; I hate them all. I was so ready to love you for who you are, and this is what you thought I deserved in return. Not even an explanation, but nothing at all. It’s fine though — as the Stoics say, we are entitled to nothing from other people; to have expectations of others is futile. To give yourself to someone fully, you must expect nothing in return. And we must let go; we must return things as they are to make room for more, for better.
Your room has limited space. Do not give chances to people who do not cherish your attention. In the game of hyperoptimised dating, you only have one shot, and you’d better make the best of it.
So, love boils down to a war of attrition, I guess. He who persists wins.
Don’t turn around and change your mind; we don’t have time for that.
me yelling at me to RESPECT MYSELF
Sigh. I have once again written too much. But here’s the devastating kicker: if they liked you, you wouldn’t need to worry about these at all.
They would do all of it in the first place because you’re worth it to them.
And that’s what makes me sad.
Bonus: A Love Letter to My Orbiters
If you didn’t know, orbiters are people who do not reply your texts but watch your stories anyway. I categorise them into two types: malicious or stupid orbiters. But that’s a discussion for another time.
Processing orbiters is as easy as 123. If they can watch your stories, they have time to text you. Therefore, if they do not text you, they are just not that into you. Thank you. Mute their stories and go and talk to someone else who will be happy for your love and attention. But I’m not complaining; the orbiter class of men is my guilty pleasure (I mute orbiters who matter to me from watching my stories). Ultimately, every orbiter is a fan, and I adore my fans.
But that’s all you’ll ever be. If you’re happy with that, I’ll be happy for you too.
P/S: I’m not a saint. I make mistakes too. I yap too much, and I’m too emotionally volatile (apparently). Sometimes I inadvertently hurt people. So if you want something from me, tell me, babygirl, tell me now.
I’ll give it to you, because you’re worth it.
And so we end, before I go:
i’ll find a life partner eventually. but the love of my life — it’s me. and it’s you guys, my friends, who accept me completely as i am.
baby g’s diary 