Hi. How has your love quest been? Good, I hope, with my wonderful guides. LOL
Today, we detail Gwyn’s rules of engagement, namely how to (1) decide who to convert from texting to in-person meets and (2) suss out the ones suitable for you from your meetups.
Before we begin, I have a little silly activity for you. It ostensibly helps you to determine how many people you should meet given some rules you set for yourself.
How Many People Should I Date? (365!?)
Before my time on Hinge, while doing the important preparatory work, I found this hilarious calculator which calculates (using math) how many dates you need to go on to find an ideal partner. Please try it and log your stats so you can look back and laugh at yourself like I did.
It is based upon the optimal stopping rule, which advises that you spend the first 37% of your dating period evaluating potential partners (“data-gathering phase” to, well, figure out what you want) before committing to the next person who surpasses all previous ones.
Here were my stats:
if I’m willing to go on 3-4 dates a week (yah I was crazy, it’s not feasible in the long-run)
and want to find an ideal partner within 2 years (haha, 2 weeks [snorts])
settling with the best possible partner
with chances of rejection being 10% (yah I was optimistic I admit. 50% is realistic)
I need to go on 132 dates and let them go no matter what. Then I’ll have a 34.6% chance of finding The One from the total pool of 365 dates.
Insert a massive “your mileage may vary” comment here because this is a rational solution to an emotional problem. Logic is annihilated in the face of emotion. When I met my man, I was so sure about him that I dropped all future prospects immediately. If anything, it could guide estimating how many people you could meet given the effort you’re willing to put in. Aside from that, it’s just for fun.
Anyway, it’s time to YAP.
The Texting Stage, Our Infamous Friend
We assume you have converted a lucky few from dating app to text platform based on your initial impressions. So, we move into the next gear — ahhhh, so exciting!!!
Text Away to Prune, You Must
Don’t be afraid to double-text in moderation. It indicates interest, and if they liked you back, they wouldn’t see you as desperate. And it’s good grounds for elimination. I used the three-strike rule: you’re out if I double-text you more than twice. The third one is a parting message (see guide #6), and no take backsies~ (so it takes only 72 hours to DQ a prospect, wink). Remember: there are no bad texters. There are only texters who don’t like you enough.
Every single text should represent your authentic self. Skip the formalities. Speak like you would speak to your friends. Be polite, of course, but not to the point of being overly reserved. Be respectful but not detached. Send stickers and hearts. Be a little bit careless. It’s not a work interview — we’re here to have fun. Live laugh LJ, OK?
Know when to share what — match their level of reciprocity, but always give a bit more to keep the conversation going. And then more, more, more, until you burrow yourself into their hearts and leave your indelible mark. Your love is not a crime.
Use your gut feeling to decide what’s right. DO NOT trauma dump until you’ve met; sudden excessive disclosure is a turn-off.
People who like you do two things beyond bantering: (1) send you telebubbles of themselves and (2) tell you about their day without you asking. But this does not mean they (will) love you; it could very well be love-bombing behaviour. I remember the fun calls I had with Captain, who did not love me in return.
Eeny, Meeny, Miny, Moe, Who Shall We Meet Next (“Full Conversions”)
Meet only those you have established rapport with.
OK I will admit I only spoke to My Man for 4 days before meeting him. BUT he is a special case (obviously) for two reasons. First, we had a common interest (jazz), which was a good enough reason to meet in itself. Second, I sensed from the start that he was a decent guy. He was polite, responsive, and showed initiative consistently. I was so certain about my judgement that I considered giving him a kiss by the end of the date before the date began. Yes, I’m crazy. And yes, of course I was right.
Rostering
To have a roster is to juggle multiple prospects at once, at least on a texting basis. I don’t know how common this is, but I suspect everyone does it to some extent. My roster had 3-5 serious considerations at any one time. And all the men I met were rostering. So there’s nothing to feel insecure or threatened about since everyone does it. Rather, your goal should be to climb to the top of that list (no compliment matches being told that “you’re #1 right now”, LOL. I’d better be!)
Funny one: high-value men do not just roster, they sometimes even deconflict. I matched two men who I discovered later were literal besties. They had an internal agreement on who would get me (although I had a say insofar as I only replied the one I liked more)!!! What is the world coming to!!!
Even discussing your rosters can make for a fun meta ice-breaker. A handsome guy asked me about mine, and I told him oh, you’re #2 because I haven’t talked to you much. He sweetly informed me in turn that I was #3 for a similar reason — because he had met someone else earlier than me, so they had a time advantage. But how long you’ve known someone is not predictive of how intense the connection will be; rather, it is the quality of your conversations.
Also, you’ll never know how intense the connection really is until you meet them. (My Man was not #1 in the texting phase. I then met him and decided he was #1 for the foreseeable future.)
weeeeeeeeeee
First Dates!!! ❤
Dates as Marriage Interviews… or Not
When someone from a dating app agrees to meet you, they are looking out for three things you can potentially provide them.
Love, of which there are two subcategories:
1a. Romantic love
1b. Friendship
Sex
Financial benefit / a free meal (rare, included only for comprehensiveness; if you do this, you’re silly)
Gender differences
Men are always 2, and sometimes 1a&2.
Men sometimes want love.
But my guess is that men always want sex. In the sense that, even if he does not initiate any sexual contact, he will always welcome it if you offer. Let me say it again — always.
Women are generally 1a, and sometimes 1a&2.
Women can be looking for sex, too.
But we assume that a majority of women are primarily looking for love on the basis that they cannot compartmentalise sex and love as cleanly as men can.
3 is a Shiny Pokémon that operates on rules from a bizarre universe. They are not dating to find love. They are looking to sell insurance (both men and women) or eat out for free (typically women). If you have the misfortune to meet someone like this, end the date ASAP.
Extrapolating from the points above we can identify subtypes of daters based on their intentions (which, interestingly, aligns somewhat with Hinge’s dating preferences).
Dater subtypes
Genuinely seeking a partner (1a&2). This person’s primary goal is to determine if you will be a good long-term partner for them. Sex is a bonus but a secondary afterthought.
The friendzoner (1b). A special breed. Basically, they go to meetups intending to build a connection with no possibility of romance. Friendship could also be an outcome of marriage interview failure — a coup de grâce — if 1a (love) doesn’t work out, but they still find their partner interesting as a person.
Players (only 2). Another special breed and the most interesting of them all. Typically men. They are not interested in seeking love with you — they only want sex*. What distinguishes this category of daters is their strategy: they masquerade as the genuinely seeking type, but this is only a ploy to get you in bed. In other words, they prey on the female weakness in conflating love and sex to get the latter.
Clowns (only 3). More likely to be women than men due to social norms.
The differentiation is important because their behaviours will differ if you observe closely.
3 is obviously the easiest to tell. Out of nowhere, they ask you about your financial goals. We move on.
What we care about is how to separate a player from a genuine seeker.
who’s who? i’m Tom.
Differentiating genuine seekers and players
Genuine seekers’ behaviours. My pet name for them is “secure (wo)men”.
One thing I’ve noticed about men who are (really) looking for long-term relationships is that they cut to the chase. They talk about preferences and deal-breakers early. They help you decide in a collaborative manner — they do not lead you on, they do not play games.
One date (I will always have a soft spot for him because he was so kind to me) saw the way I looked at two kids walking by — and he immediately mentioned he didn’t want kids. This was half an hour into our first and only date. I remember turning my head, my line of sight fixating on his ethereal, dark eyes, and the anticipatory grief flooding my heart. Our relationship was doomed before it began, though I still enjoyed my time with him. (This is why you should put your family plans front and centre on your profile.) He later told me I would be a good mother. I believe him. I’ll be happy for him, too, when he eventually finds the one for him.
Genuine seekers are upfront about what they want. For example, someone told me he was unsure about me as a prospect but still wanted to sleep with me. I think “unsure” is a poor word choice if we follow the rule that “it’s a no if it’s not a hard yes”, but it remains superior to lying.
Other characteristics
They respect your boundaries. If you say no, they accept it, no questions asked.
They are NOT AFRAID TO SHOW THEIR AFFECTION!!!!!!!!!!!!
Essentially, genuine seekers are rational machines. If you understand the rules they play by and you mirror them, they will respect you.
Players’ behaviours. AKA red flags to look out for.
Players are identifiable by their lying. Therefore, their insinuations of love, intended to bait you, do not match their actions.
It’s a terrible sign if all lines of conversation inescapably turn sexual as the night progresses, in the style of all roads leading to Rome. He’s asking about your body count. He’s asking when you had your first kiss or lost your virginity. Boring shit like that. Correct answer: not your business until right before I sleep with you. Questions that seem out of place, that make your inner goddess tilt her head. It isn’t the right time, and you know it.
Hot take, but you can kind of tell from the way he touches and looks at you (!).
Did he hold your hand before he touched your thigh? If he jumped straight to the second, you really only have one decision left to make: whether you want to sleep with him or not. Because he has made the other decision for you: he does not want to date you, and it’s unlikely this will change. One-night stands do not hold your hand. Whether you go home with him, you are leaving without him.
Your first kiss with him — was it innocent or indulgent?Genuine seekers kiss like the former, while players kiss like the latter.Why? Men interested in you care about your opinion of them, and this desire for approval debilitates them. But players do not care.
The hunter’s look. You’ll know when you look in their eyes. Players look down at you, chin tilted up ever so slightly (it’s hot though; I’ll give them that). This is the hunter’s look.You win if you can turn that look into one of confusion or admiration. In comparison, a genuine seeker looks at you more affectionately… like how your friends look at you when you laugh.
On power dynamics. Related to the above, players usually enter thinking they have the upper hand. This is not necessarily an unjustified assumption — they think this way because they have an established record of winning past games. So it’s on you to put them in their place. Once you call them out on their behaviour or act in an unexpected way (e.g. turning down their offer to fuck or publicly shaming them on your blog, HAHAHA), they’ll be neutralised — and you’ll know when it happens. You don’t have to do this with genuine seekers because they will be treating you as an equal in the first place.
BTW, if their texting behaviour suddenly ceases the day after you sleep with them (regardless of date #), the relationship is over. LOL. There’s no need to ask your friends what they think is going on. You’re hearing the death rattles of a hunt because it is the withdrawal phase. There is nothing much you can do at this point but come to terms with it. Sorry. Get into discard and recovery mode. If you want to avoid this problem, don’t sleep with them (YES THIS IS COMING FROM ME).
*Caveat: I portray players as one-dimensional creatures, but people are not that simple. However, that is beyond the scope of this post. If I think about it more, I might write #5.5 (on players).
big thunk
On EQ and IQ evaluations
IQ and EQ are pivotal considerations in seeking long-term partners. At the risk of sounding obvious, let me state upfront that people seek smart and emotionally savvy people as partners — this is a fact of human nature — but let me also qualify this.
People tend to attract and ultimately choose others similar in IQ and EQ levels. Relationships with significant discrepancies are unlikely to work out because what is there to build when you fundamentally don’t connect over your ideas or feelings? (So yeah, even though Hollywood likes to romanticise the “opposites attract” concept, it is a myth. One exception to this rule, though, is when one partner is socially dominant and the other is submissive.)
More importantly, I would argue that EQ is more important than IQ (though, of course, they are correlated). The problem is that you can’t tell someone’s emotional intelligence level off the bat from their profile, as opposed to conventional intelligence, which you can infer from their work and education. You have to meet them to know. Or you at least have to text them for a relatively extended period to see how they respond to situations and what you bring to the table.
Characteristics of high EQ people, based on my observations:
They know how to make someone else feel comfortable around them. They can “read the room”. They are constantly observing and assessing their partner’s cues to infer their emotional state, which they then use to decide the next best action to respond with.
Your body instinctively recognises when your partner is doing this. It’s the in-sync feeling — when you can’t find a word, and they complete their thoughts for you as if they were inside your head the whole time.
Remember I said My Man treated my bruises? He was like, oh, don’t scratch your legs! And why do you have so many bruises! Let me apply cream on them for you! Here’s why I was shocked: I was hardly aware of my bruises. Exceptional attention to detail.
They are excellent with “recovery” situations, i.e. when a conversation is going awry or there is an awkward situation. Again, it is a lot about awareness — because I know your intention, I can play along with it to save us both from embarrassment.
They remain calm in stressful situations. Because they can reframe a situation and generate solutions quickly. Sign of a high-functioning prefrontal cortex and good emotional regulation.
Contrast with when they lack this awareness. Guy #5, for example, lacked this (sorry I keep dredging this guy up, my sample size is limited and will no longer increase, unfortunately), at least in the few hours I was with him. He could not tell that I did not feel safe around him. And I think it would have been obvious if he was paying attention. I wasn’t physically receptive to his advances, though hell, I was doing my best. If we assume that he wanted to sleep with me, he failed because he mistimed his steps, which in turn was because he couldn’t determine when to do or say what accurately.
no chemistry vibes
Finally, the Rules of Engagement
Friends first, lovers later. Don’t meet anyone you wouldn’t have as a friend. Your lover is going to be your best friend (potentially for life!).
Be interested in them and show your affection confidently. Don’t be a wishy-washy person who blows hot and cold. If you wouldn’t like to be hurt, don’t make others suffer for your insecurities. Go away and work on yourself.
Secure people like honest people. If you tell them what you genuinely feel and think, they’ll be appreciative and reciprocate.
Similarly, be ready to give your all. This involves intense emotional disclosure when the time is right. You’ll know when. Pay attention to your body and your gut feeling. Don’t share anything that crosses your boundaries, but be willing to step out of your comfort zone.
I think some of us do not give everything initially because we are afraid of 1) being rejected and 2) seeming desperate (which ultimately leads back to 1 anyway because you are afraid that seeming desperate will lead to rejection). But people who want you will never see your affection as desperation.
Remember that time is a commodity, especially so for working adults. When someone makes time for you out of their busy schedule, remember that they are giving you a lot of grace. So help them make the best out of it. They will be grateful.
“Have no expectations” is something I’ve been told repeatedly, but let’s dive deeper. Act like you’ll never see them again, and you’ll be surprised at how many doors open. Recognising the transience of your connection leads to treating others as best as you can, rather than casually or non-committally because you think “we might meet again”.
Active listening. In short, active listening requires that you be present. That means put your damn phone away and listen to what they have to say. LISTEN without planning to respond. Just pay attention and try to imagine yourself in their shoes. Ask questions to clarify and understand their perspective. Your curiosity will come naturally.
So get out there and have a smashing first date. And if it doesn’t work out? Don’t worry. I’ve got you covered in guide #6, where we’ll discuss how to sever a connection — kindly and maturely.
I was recently invited to give a TED talk (where TED stands for Topical Extended Discussion here) by a clown. Of course, I have risen to the challenge.
I began with the intent to capture obsession but got sidetracked into operationalising interpersonal interest instead. Oh well, still a worthy contribution to society.
A brief primer on terms used in psychometrics (the art of measurement in psychology). Since I have repeated this to my students ad nauseam, I might as well lecture my fans too.
A concept/construct: the phenomenon you want to understand. Usually a “big idea” that needs further definition and explanation. In this case, interpersonal interest.
What does it mean to be interested in someone?
What are the characteristics that comprise interest? What are the central elements it must have, such that if they were not present, the concept would no longer be “interest”?
Operationalisation: to make a concept measurable. What are the observable signs of interest?
We must be able to see and measure these markers. For example, if thinking about someone is a sign of interest, we should be able to measure it somehow.
Example: count the number of times you think about that person in a day or the percentage of time you spend thinking about someone compared to others.
Things that are not measurable are psychometrically (and scientifically) worthless.
Example: the “energy vibrations” I send out to the universe when I am cursing men to dream about me. HAH
mrw I received this TED talk offer
Interpersonal interest: how much you’re interested in someone or vice versa. Contextualised to social media since that’s my panopticon playground and main site of research.
Now, the Checklist
Signs, in order of increasing intensity (0/absence = least interested, 5 = most interested). Checking off a sign higher on the list indicates that the lower signs have already been met.
Watching your stories.
The more stories you watch and the more you regularly check for updates, the stronger the interest. (If your defense is “I’m just scrolling”… don’t you have better things to do?)
Visiting your public platforms unprompted.
The preceding suggests they are taking the initiative to visit your profile (or blog, hehehe) without an external stimulus i.e. the action stems from an internal desire. Quite telling behaviour, if you ask me (I adore men who are obsessed with me).
Unprompted access to your profile is trickier to measure, but you can make logical deductions (my favourite activity). I wish I knew who read my blog, but it doesn’t matter because I delude myself into thinking that everyone reads it anyway. Delulu~ is the solulu~
Texting.
Obviously. The more frequent and initiated, the stronger the interest.
A step up from the above because it means that at least one party has initiated contact, hence manifesting the interest. But see the section below on power asymmetry.
By the way, DMs on Instagram are like a 2.5. We’re not really friends until we have each other’s numbers (and I’m not just saying this because it means you can then PayNow me).
Meeting in person.
Kind of an inevitability following 3 if the relationship is worth anything — see comments below.
Putting aside your ego for them.
Best illustrated with a negative example — persistence in effort despite being rejected. Imagine one of your best friends said one day that they wanted to end the relationship. If you would fly down to their place and cry at their doorstep begging them to take you back, that’s a 5.
Because it means you’re down so bad you’d put your pride down for another shot, even when the odds are against you. The relinquishing of pride, given its fundamental importance to one’s self-esteem, is the greatest compliment you can confer upon another.
We love that; I do. I’ve done it before, and I’ll always have a soft spot for those who’ve tried it with me.
Some comments
Before you rate them, you must pre-categorise people into romantic OR platonic interest.
If you can’t decide, default to platonic (if you have to think twice, you don’t like them enough — don’t waste their time!)
Being interested platonically does not necessarily mean I am interested romantically (fine: the “friendzone”). BUT if I am interested romantically, I am probably also interested platonically. So romantic is a sub-category of platonic.
3 (texting) and 4 (meeting in person) are the most intimately connected signs. The jump from 2 to 3 and 4 to 5 is comparatively large. Not that a relationship can’t be solid if it’s based entirely on text exchanges (the modern equivalent of a pen pal), but unless you have some extenuating circumstance (e.g. live on the other side of the world), there is no reason to not meet.
I detest 3.5 romantic prospects the most — those who linger in texting limbo but do not entertain further contact. They’re playing you, sis! You are a backup plan. DROP them like a hot potato, stat.
Only consider people 3 and above to be potential friends, 4 for lovers.
They’ve said that they love you over text but can’t seem to find the time to meet? They are asking for a small loan of $20,000, too? They are a LOVE SCAMMER.
If you meet a 5 and you feel 5 towards them too — keep them in your life as far as possible.
mrw cornering people i like
On power asymmetries
And now, class, a fun activity:
Identify someone you’re interested in.
Rate your level of interest in them.
THEN, rate — based on their past behaviour — their level of interest in you. Only look at what they’ve done: do not assume, do not infer their intentions.
Use the following formula to determine the interest asymmetry score: [their interest in me] – [my interest in them].
Examples (may or may not be taken from my past experience):
Someone acts like a 2 to me [their interest in me]. I act like a 0 to them [my interest in them]. 2 – 0 = +2.
Someone acts like a 0 to me. I act like a 5 to them. 0 – 5 = -5.
A positive score indicates that you have more power in deciding how the relationship will develop presently. A negative score indicates the power is in their favour. Higher scores = greater magnitude of asymmetry.
Any asymmetry calls for an attempt at rebalancing.
If you have more power (+): decide if their effort is worth matching.
If yes, match it.
If not, let them down easy. That’s the least you can do for them. (Except for players. Drag them to hell, babes.)
If you have less power (-): decide if they are worth your time and investment.
If yes and you want more, COMMUNICATE YOUR DESIRES.
If not, off you go for greener pastures, sweaty! We have no time for low-effort relationships.
That being said, you never know how someone might respond to you in the end. (People might really be watching my stories simply because they are interested in observing hypomania in the wild, or because I’m super hot, and NOT because I’m a complex person with deep feelings and thoughts and great music taste. Sigh)
And the scorecard now does not mean it will always be the same; people and contexts change. In particular, based on my past experience, the power dynamics in intense relationships (another favourite of mine) are always fluctuating. Is that stable? No. But is that fun? Absolutely.
Finally, we manifest that we will only settle for 5-5s.
Well, class is dismissed; I hope you enjoyed it. My DMs are always open to new ideas! x
Earlier, the algorithm bestowed upon me a video criticising boy-crazy girls, and it hit me that I’ve been like that recently. In the spirit of self-improvement, I am thus embarking on No Man June — a month-long sabbatical to eliminate any mention of prospective men and the desire for romance in my life.
The aim is not to repress desire but to sublimate it.
Granted, I like to believe that I have a life outside male validation, and I have been assured so by people who matter. Neither do I think that there’s anything wrong with being boy-crazy — to each their own, as long as you don’t intentionally hurt others (?).
Nonetheless, I don’t like spending so much time obsessing over romance and boys. Like, if I were a supporting character in a movie, I might fail the Bechdel test, considering all the time I spend yapping to my fans online and my friends about My Love Lore. (Though let me establish two things: 1) My friends and fans LOVE my adventures and 2) ALL the men came to me first. I only reciprocated if I wanted to, but I can be persuasive in my own ways.)
A secondary aim is to observe how much more I can achieve when I am not bogged down with illusions and trivialities. I have lots of things to do, people to meet, and places to be! ZOU
Hence, effective today:
The Rules
#1: No yapping or disclosure about drama with men, old or new. This applies to both public (social media) and private settings (with friends).
#2: No references to the desire for romance or romantic love, direct or indirect. As long as the main idea of the post/conversation is about romance, it is considered a violation.
The Consequences: for every instance in which a rule is violated, I will donate $5.
$2.50 goes to an organisation in Singapore that I absolutely detest. Iykyk.
$2.50 goes to my accountability buddy (to incentivise them to catch me when I slip up).
The Exceptions
I can share if I am asked, i.e. somebody else initiates the conversation for me. However, I cannot supplement additional details that go beyond answering the question.
Corresponding to rule #2: I can continue to create content in which specific men and my personal desire for love are not the core subjects. This includes things like my lay theory of love logs (maybe except #3.5), which I consider sociological investigations into the phenomenon of dating. Essentially, no anecdotes, but think pieces are fine. (Ah, 75% of my output is going to be decimated…)
Initial Commitments
As preparatory work, I have processed and purged the men concerned. If they don’t want me, they don’t deserve access to me! If you were not purged, sorry but you were not significant enough, LOL. I am not paying $5 for this disclosure because it occurred here.
You are welcome to join me OR catch me when I slip up. Let’s have some fun. Stay tuned for updates, babes ❤
The spiritual sequel to How to Lovebomb. Obviously, written as a joke — or is it? (cocks head)
The Thingamajig Strategy (by love bomber): (Accidentally) leave something smol behind at their place.
How/why it works (for the love bomber): A physical object reminds them of you. It creates an excuse to initiate contact, passing the responsibility to do so to them as in a delicate cha-cha routine.
Counterstrategy (for the lovebombed person): Throw the thing away — unless it’s a wallet. If so, retrieve the money and then throw it away. If they really needed it back, they’d ask. If they really wanted to see you again, they would initiate.
how you’ll sleep after getting rid of things that don’t spark you joy
TheCasper Strategy: Ghost them on chat but watch their stories obsessively. Don’t forget to like the stories where they’re super cute or you think allude to you.
How/why it works: Ghosting someone traps them in self-doubt preoccupied with what they did wrong, even though the problem stems from your inability to communicate like an adult. Kick them while they’re down by liking their stories on Instagram regularly, which bumps you to the top of the viewer list so they can’t ignore you even if they want to. It’s all power play, my friends, a perverse one once deconstructed.
(Effective for chronically online people who primarily rely on Instagram as a source of validation. But not effective for those who have a horde of fans to account to if they make questionable decisions.)
Counterstrategy: DON’T block them from watching your stories; no, enjoy the attention! DO block their stories from your feed, so you live in their mind collecting rent while you pay none. Then, go on to live your best life, whether you post about it online or not. Remember that YOU are the bourgeois and THEY are the proletariat.
this could be us but u ghosted me.
The ReincarnationStrategy: Reappear in their life by DMing them out of nowhere after a prolonged period of presumed death.
This strategy has two variations, each inversely proportional to the confidence or sympathy you wish to leverage. (Neither matters.)
Confidence route: provide no accompanying reason at all: simply audaciously announce that you desire to see them again.
Sympathy route: supplement the request with an explanation that you have been through some trööma that regrettably caused you to be unable to, again, communicate beyond the level of a three-year-old.
Pick the first variant if you’re insecure and the second if you’re manipulative. This strategy creates a virtuous loop with the ghosting one. You meet, die, reincarnate, and then die again! It’s an absolutely infallible combo. I recommend it 10/10 for clowns.
How/why it works: It throws the recipient off-guard by making them wonder if you have been thinking of them all this while. If they’re so over their head that they forget that you could have contacted them any time in between but chose not to until it was convenient for you (because they are ultimately a substitute), it could seem kind of romantic. In a world where we convince ourselves we don’t owe each other anything, it’s easy to confuse any casual act for affection. Lover beware!
Counterstrategy: Laugh in their face and move on. If you give in, oh well — we all have to binge on fast food occasionally because what is life without sin and a little indiscretion, even if you get a stomachache later. Just don’t make it a habit.
this photo isn’t even thematically related anymore. it’s just funny
The Promising Strategy: Make promises you have zero intentions of following through with.
Why/how it works: Empty promises lead to expectations, and the most powerful longing always concerns things that could have happened but never did. It’s inverted regret — a nostalgia for something that could’ve been, which could have been anything.
Counterstrategy: This one involves a radical change in your philosophy but will transform your life so drastically you’ll never look back. Hold on tight.
There are NO exceptions to this. NONE. Intentions mean absolute jackshit until they are realised. Whatever form they take on before realisation does not matter. It might as well not exist. It never existed. (TIL I’m materialistic without the -ic.)
If they believed you were worth it (immaterial), they would show you (material). If they claim to miss you (immaterial), they will meet you (material).
We can go further. A text telling you they miss you means nothing if they do not schedule a date to see you again. A kiss means nothing if the relationship is never defined (a “situationship”) and you are not cuffed — made “material” through accountability to others or bound by a physical contract.
We can argue that a text and a kiss are material since they occur in reality. But that is irrelevant because it is overshadowed by the immaterial intention behind the action that we project onto those we so desperately wish would love us.
The intention means nothing, even if they imply it, especially if you infer it.
Realise that we can never accurately capture the meaning of the present moment — the full picture only emerges in hindsight when the future has happened so that we can contextualise the past with it. You can immerse yourself in the now and feel it all, but that still doesn’t imbue it with any meaning outside your feelings. For an intention to be real, it must be manifested.
The past, present, and future cannot be considered separately in determining what is real and meaningful. Hell, even if it was real, it might not have meant anything. Maybe this is the logic that my pragmatic fans follow — did you really love them if you were never serious about them?
Naturally, you could argue that an intention could be real and meaningful, just that the person seems to be acting differently because you are mistaken about their intention. For example, if you’re only interested in sex, you only do booty calls. That’s perfectly congruent and reasonable if both parties are on board.
But the whole reason games exist is that people struggle to be upfront with what they want — worse if they do not know what they actually want. Then, everyone is in for a ride, and all intentions can go to die.
We can only establish if someone is sincere about you through the two elements of continuity and consistency. In other words, action and commitment, over and over, like the sea waves crashing into the shore for eternity, until death do us part.
—you will find someone who will love you, who sees you as a person, who is attracted to you; who will choose you, and continuously choose you.
my bestie (if everyone had a love like this there would be no divorces)
In short, words are just words (suddenly, I realise what my love language is not). You telling me I’m your favourite or that you respect me means nothing. I don’t care. You either prove it, or none of it matters — saying it is just performativity. You don’t have to say anything; I already know.
Intentions alone mean nothing. Promises mean nothing.
Perhaps even this blog post has meant nothing. But I hope it is at least marginally useful for my fans in helping them sieve out people who deserve them and people who don’t. God willing, considering how much time I’ve wasted on playing games, I might as well help people save some of theirs.
Know your worth, and the rest will follow. Whatever you give, you will receive in turn, good and bad.
– x, baby g, who loves you always (and has hopefully demonstrated it)
Bonus:
we accept the love we think we deserve.
my other bestie (quoting the Perks of Being a Wallflower)
I drink a lot of milk tea. When I say “a lot”, I mean that across the 108 days that I’ve tracked my beverage intake so far, I drank milk tea on 57 of those days. Yes, diabetes is hurtling towards me at lightspeed (I have a will in my blog drafts). Anyway,
LATER: Will make an excel sheet to organise the list below.
Rating system:
1/5 = disgusting, didn’t finish 2/5 = blargh will not drink again, struggled to finish 3/5 = OK, fine, might not buy again 4/5 = mm mm good will keep it on my roster 5/5 = all-time fav, unforgettable, fantastic, scrumptious, magnificent, top-tier,
Standard order/quirks:
70% sugar, less pearl, normal ice.
If no black/golden pearl, no topping (white pearl does NOT cut it!)
I drink only milk tea, specifically jasmine/green milk tea. I stand by the belief that a milk tea brand can be judged exclusively by how good its green milk tea is. I will die on this (diabetic) hill.
I like sweet, flowery, and milky stuff.
If it has peach, I am already there.
Now for the brands, arranged in some general order of preference. Limited Edition = LTD
Chagee (now Amps Tea, and then Chagee again, it’s all over the place) – their drinks make me wanna dance like it’s Saturday night. They don’t have black/golden pearls, but I love their teas as much without.
Osmanthus Oolong Latte: 4/5 – I could drink a litre of this and still beg for more
White Peach Oolong Latte: 5/5 – I could hook this up directly to my body like an IV drip and still beg for more
Jasmine Green Tea Latte: 4/5 – one of the better jasmine milk teas on this entire list, sweet and flowery
Seasons Oolong Tea Latte: 3/5 – decent but pales in comparison to the others from this brand
Camelia Latte: to try – my friend recommended it
Nuobei Tea – the Sinicised version of Chagee/Amps Tea, if that was possible
Peach Oolong Tea Latte: 5/5
Jasmine Green Tea Latte: 5/5
Green Grape-Lychee Green Tea: 4/5
No. 17 tea – makes diabetes seem like an afterthought
Jade Green Milk Tea: 5/5 – when I tried this I knew that no matter where this brand goes I will follow like a devoted dog crawling on the floor, begging, whining
Snow Peach Oolong Milk Tea: 4/5 – AUGH (trembling) so good
Snow Peach Oolong Latte: 4/5 – love this, but realised jade green milk tea was superior (and milkier, despite this being a milk latte)
Peach Yakult Green Tea: 3/5 – fixed sugar level, too sweet, and that’s coming from ME
Peach Milk Cap: 3/5 – eh not as good as the others
Roasted Brown Sugar Pearl Milk Tea: 3/5 – ok ok only I am at a loss for words because it really isn’t all that. If I wanted a good brown sugar milk tea I still think of Tiger Sugar (where are you baby)
Koi – the longest-standing pioneer. 50% is often better with their LTD/experimental drinks
Green Milk Tea: 4/5 – can’t go wrong with this OG King, but loses out to No. 17 / Amps’s equivalents overall
Peach Green Milk Tea: 4/5 – 50% is perfect
Honey Milk Tea: 3/5 – decent alternative for people who want something in between green milk tea and “traditional” milk tea, basically, people who cannot make up their mind
Vanilla (Green) Milk Tea: 4/5 – tastes like (yummy) flowers will get this once in a while for kicks
Vanilla Four Seasons Milk Tea: 4/5 – dials back the flowery for the tea. I recommend getting one vanilla GMT and FSMT with your friend and sharing it. Milk tea together just tastes better!
Peach Four Seasons Milk Tea (LTD): 3/5 – too sweet(!), strange
Peach Oolong Milk Tea (LTD): 2/5 – another peach but somehow I don’t like it… everything tastes wrong in an artificial way
Lychee Milk Tea (LTD): 3/5 – fragrant but too sweet; can’t taste the tea
Peanut Butter Milk Tea (LTD): rare 1/5 – what were they thinking
My brother, the peanut butter connoisseur: “The peanut butter is Skippy but mixed with milk tea tastes like Shitty” he’s right
Mango Four Seasons Milk Tea (LTD), 50%: 3/5 – the verdict that my friend and I submit is that Koi wants to be experimental, but they’re better off sticking to the classics. This one tastes like mango sago, but where is the tea? Also, we got 50% but it was sweeter than my 100% sugar White Peach Oolong Latte from Amps. How do they determine their sugar levels? My gut feeling about men is more accurate.
Yakult Green Tea: 4/5 – if I was on a milk ban, this would be a good alternative
Lychee Black Tea (LTD): 3/5 – Again, I only drank this because I was on a milk tea ban. It will not happen again. But it was alright.
3Seasonstea
Peach Oolong Milk Tea: 5/5 – Sumptuous stuff — I was drinking it exclusively for weeks at one point while hammering out my thesis. Their sugar is light but lingers on the tongue (a sweetener, maybe?) My custom order, breaking from the usual: more sugar, milk cap/foam, crystal jelly instead of black pearl.
LiHo – I’d say I’m too good for them, but I drank it weekly at school anyway
Jasmine Light Milk Tea Cloud(LTD?): 4/5 – I actually LOVE the cloud concept and there’s this wonderful lingering taste but WHY IS IT NOT SWEET??? I ASKED FOR A 100%!!! Still think about this one sometimes though.
Gardenia Light Milk Tea Cloud (LTD?): 4/5 – I ASKED FOR A 100% AND I HAD TO ASK FOR MORE!!! I HAD TO ASK FOR MORE!!! Would drink again with extra sugar though.
Green Milk Tea: 3/5 – Not that great, but it’s the only drink I’ll accept pudding topping for
Money Money Light Milk Tea Cloud (LTD?): 4/5 – Glutinous rice-based. Not bad at all my friend treated me to this and then I downed 75% of it (we were supposed to share) sorry HW hope you like the necklace though ❤
AtTea – naming a whole milk tea brand after yourself is such a power move
Jasmine Milk Tea: 3.5/5 – lovely in a subtle way, but not enough to become a regular rotation
Pink Meteor 945 (50%): 3/5 – My friend got this, of course — I’m not that adventurous. Has pomegranate and guava in it? A nice drink to share, but not to drink alone.
iTea – your friendly neighbourhood bbt store
Green Milk Tea: 4/5 – light on tea but great on milky taste + bonus point for their insane value of $2.50 (free pearls!!!). Literally the only thing I drink at iTea like I have FILLED their loyalty cards with this alone
PlayMade — strong USP with their pearls, but their tea quality is unremarkable
Osmanthus Oolong Latte (w Cactus Pearl): 3.5/5 – my guilty pleasure, but starting to pale in comparison with the other brands
White Grape Milk Tea (w White Grape Pearl) (LTD): 4/5 – a big dopamine hit. The white grape pearls are a BOP. Better at 50%; it’s saccharine sweet
White Peach Oolong Milk Tea (w White Peach Pearl) (LTD): 3/5 – taste encapsulates my evaluation of PlayMade – I’m excited about what it could be until I actually try it…
Each A Cup – your friendly neighbourhood bbt store, II
Jasmine Milk Tea: 4/5 – This one tastes like meeting an old friend… time passes, you meet new people, and you forget about them gradually, but when you encounter them again, you remember why you loved them
Gong Cha — credits to this for being the only brand where you can taste some semblance of actual tea in their milk teas
Pearl Milk Tea: 3/5 – my daddy’s favourite. You can actually taste the tea in this one!
Peach Oolong Milk Tea: 4/5 – honestly, not bad at all. It’s milky, sweet, and has the aftertaste of tea.
Chi Cha San Chen — interestingly, low on the list (I’m not a tea purist)
Osmanthus Oolong Tea + Mousse/Cream, 100%: 3/5 – nothing wrong with it, there’s just better (milk) teas out there
Osmanthus Oolong Tea + Mango: 3/5 – I feel like you could order this from your Kopitiam aunty and she would grin and say “ok 美女” and it would cost $2? LOL
Osmanthus Oolong Tea + Passionfruit (50%): 3/5 – as sweet as the mango version because of the syrup they use. Review same as above
HeyTea — the closest thing to milk teas from Shanghai (those are really good btw)
Pure Aqua Green Jasmine Milk Tea (DISCONTINUED): 5/5 – absolute perfection. I remember the first time I drank this — I was irreversibly altered. They literally lost a customer (me) for discontinuing this. I strolled into an outlet one fine day, delirious with anticipation. I nearly screamed when they told me it was gone, and I walked out. I have never bought from them again. Let me know when they put it back on the menu, though.
Milksha (COLLAPSED) — goodbye
Wheat Milk Tea: 2/5 — YUCKS!! That is all
Green Milk Latte: 3/5 — Ehhh this score was foreshadowing that it would close down
categorised into the 5 love languages, but it doesn’t actually matter — only intention combined with action means anything, and everything else can be ignored (including what you say).
you’re welcome. if this helps you land someone, just send me a wedding invite telling me i don’t have to pay for the angpao.
gifts
buying her stuff. a little trinket will do; it doesn’t have to be expensive. it’s not the item but the concept of i thought about you on a random day at a random moment (because i’m thinking of you all the time) and so i bought this for you. accept my love? please don’t buy her a bikini — it’s not about you, and your taste is probably NOT it anyway !!
sending her a Spotify playlist of songs that you think encapsulate her aura (there is nothing more intriguing than finding out what people think about you in the looking-glass self sense)
sending her $1000 without notice (great way to make her text you first)
bringing her to Sephora/Lululemon and telling her “my treat”
compiling a list of all her likes, dislikes, things to remember, but never let her see it (-;
physical touch
holding her by the chin, eye contact, and calling her “my princess” NO LAUGHING !!!
kissing her eyebrow, nose tip, and jaw, but not on the lips until she kisses you first
kabedon (i will not elaborate)
holding her finger in public (i.e. you should always be standing by her side and not in front).
by extension, appropriate PDAing; touch her hair or lean on her shoulder whatever idc DO SOMETHING
hugging her protectively in front of your friends casually while everyone is having fun or involved in an activity like playing mahjong. not to draw attention, but because it’s the most natural thing in the world…
acts of service/validation
taking photos of her when she’s not looking
taking photos of her whenever she wants you to (read: all the time)
posting pictures of her on your Instagram if you think she’ll like it (i had an era where i put a boyfriend as my dp and everyone thought i was a handsome man)
helping her carry her stuff without her asking. she has a baby pink handbag smaller than your face? real men rock that shit !
letting her win the competitive games you play together, then telling her how amazing she is
words of affirmation
introducing her to your friends as “my babygirl” at social events (who cares if it’s cringe, it’s your world and others are just living in it). my brother has a good opener — when he shares pictures of his girlfriend he always asks “pretty right?” the answer is yes king always !!
sending physical postcards to her when u go overseas. you don’t even have to write much, just like “i miss you” or “met a clown and thought of U” or “saw a waterfall, but yours is better”. remember to indicate the date so she can collect them ❤
aggressively liking her ig stories and commenting on her posts like Yoo Teo does to his wife. this has a dual function of telling her you are obsessed with her and also asserting your dominance as a partner to the audience – all very sexy in evolutionary terms
when she yaps about something, dropping your phone, paying attention, and practicing active listening (e.g. “really? wow! you’re so funny! i didn’t know that… what did you do next? and what did they say? that’s so crazy… i wish i was there. that’s why i love you, sweetheart”)
quality time (these are just date ideas that i wanna do, might as well right)
lying in bed and reading your journal entries to one another (you read yours, she reads hers) – nothing is more intimate than this
picnic date where you play chess together and debate strategies over prosciutto and cheese
watching a movie/drama together and taking a shot when something stupid happens. explain the joke. then mess around… of course
staring into each others’ eyes in silence for four minutes (legend has it people fall in love like this)
invert and you can do the same to a guy
caveat emptor
you should be dating her, not stalking her
she should like you back… and not as a friend
final note: if you think you’re being love-bombed, read this. the difference between a love bomber and someone who actually loves you is that the former is in it only for the thrill, while the latter does it because YOU deserve it. again, everything comes down to intentionality…
Are you WEIGHED DOWN by your enormous responsibilities in everyday life? Do you ever feel like you could SINK INTO THE FLOOR and stay there forever? Look no further, for you can now replicate this EXISTENTIAL HEAVINESS even in SLEEP… except that this time you will relish every moment of it.
you don’t have to deal with life if you’re unconscious.
Yes. I took the leap of faith and bought a weighted blanket online during a recent sale. I’ve been meaning to do it for a long time (since I came across a Reddit post swearing by it years ago) but never got around to it until now. And it seems like I’m not the only one whose interest is piqued by this revolutionary technology! So you guys are going to get exactly what you want: a review of my experience with my new weighted blanket from Cuddle Beddings. (…I guess you could say I am weighing in with my opinion… LOL).
Note that I was not sponsored for this post – it’s written entirely volitionally, if only because 1) I love to sleep and I find it super fun to discuss sleeping and 2) my fans asked for it and 3) I have nothing better to do. But Cuddle Beddings is welcome to invite me to join them as a brand ambassador or upgrade me to Forever VVVIP status anytime. (Don’t worry – I will be sure to tag them 300 times on social media to drive home this once-in-a-lifetime invitation for them.)
Below are the main points I’ll be cover-ing.
The blanket (price, dimensions, weight, look, texture, etc.)
User experience (pros and cons, thoughts)
THE BLANKET – LAY IT ON ME, BABY
The blanket I got is named the CUDDLE™ Cool 2.0 Weighted Blanket from Cuddle Beddings on Shopee. Tbh I just swiped it because it came up on top of my search listings for “weighted blanket” and it had the word COOL in it (you know those fabrics that promise that icy sensation… I CRAVE it). It comes in all shapes and sizes (literally) – there’s a variant each for kids(?!), super single, queen, and King-sized beds.For adults, the weight ranges from 6-11kg. All are grey in colour but it doesn’t matter to me since most of the time I will spend with it is in darkness anyway.
I got the Queen-sized (accommodates 2), 7kg. I paid ~$165 after discounts, but as of this post, it’s retailing at a base price of $228. You’ll be paying minimally $200+. Included in the package was a “free” quilt cover. The whole blanket can fit three of me, so it’s sufficient for two people plus some extra room to wiggle around. It’s stitched in a way that divides it into many equally-sized squares, apparently to ensure an “even distribution of weight”. I’m not sure how it works, but I can testify that the weight feels evenly distributed to me when I drape it over my Tired Body.
As for care and hygiene, the rule of thumb for weighted blankets seems to be to avoid washing the blanket itself, because it may mess up the materials. Instead, wash the quilt cover regularly. (Update: I asked CB about this and they say it’s OK to machine wash it. I’d still avoid doing so though.)
here’s what CB (oh well) claims goes into the bedding material.
Oh look, they have a Cuddle (Sizing) Guide too. I would’ve gotten a lighter one if I could, but the minimum weight for the queen-sized is 7kg. A casual guide for my readers based on my experience: if you’re xmm-sized, get 5-6kg at most. I’m 42kg and 7kg is pushing it, though not suffocatingly so. If you’re guy or a tall/beautiful/thriving lady, also start off with 7kg. A few other (male) reviewers have commented that 9kg is heavy even for them. Also, the heavier it gets, the harder it is to lift and carry around. The weight clearly has implications for your sleep too, which I will explore next.
bought something fit for a Queen but the crown is too heavy for me??
USER EXPERIENCE
The night I received the blanket, I was so excited I jumped straight into bed with it. I didn’t even bother putting on the quilt. And BOY were my lights knocked OUT good. My whole being dissipated into a void. I woke up feeling like I couldn’t move (more so than usual), but in a sickly pleasurable kind of way. Like I wanted MORE.
oh my god.
After my first night of fitful sleep, I decided to try sleeping with my ordinary unweighted blanket over the next few days to assess if the weighted blanket made any difference. I only managed to do this for 3 days, because honestly, the temptation to return to CB was too much to resist. And that ties into my first major point about weighted blankets – once you start using them, it’s hard to go back. For better or for worse, you’re in for it once you try them. Some people liken this to an addiction. It has the same effect as discovering bubble tea, I guess.
Here are some observations based on my flawed A-B-A-B experimental design.
How does the blanket feel?
(At this moment, typing this section below, I am lying on my bed with the weighted blanket up to my shoulders for maximum immersion.)
When you get under the blanket, it takes a few moments to “flatten”. What happens is that the blanket will mould itself to snugly fit your shape. This means air pockets are minimised and most of your skin will be in contact with the blanket or your bed. It’s warmer compared to a microfibre blanket, which is what I used before. I wouldn’t say it’s cool though. It can get quite warm under the blanket because there’s less room for air to circulate. I keep myself close to the edge of the blanket at night so I can flap it quickly in case it gets too warm.
Also if you’re wondering, given its name: compared to an ordinary blanket, it does mimic the feeling of a cuddle. Of course, it can’t fully replicate the warmth and comfort from your live/breathing/snoring crush, but it gets pretty close, and does it better than a bolster (or a blowup doll, whatever your preference).
i am a toasty cinnamon bun.
Did it help me sleep better?
I fall asleep faster for sure. The overall effect feels like something is lightly pressing down on your whole body, but in a friendly, coaxing manner, lulling you into dreamland. You know that trippy state when you’re falling asleep but not quite yet, where reality warps and it feels like an angel is coming to take you to heaven? This blanket extends that feeling by getting you there faster, so you can languish in that state for just a while longer before you drift away into nothingness.
The downside of this is that it’s harder to wake up. I have long-running issues with snoozing and getting out of bed on time, and the introduction of the blanket only exacerbates my oversleeping habit. The reason for this is that the pressure of the blanket has a calming (paralysing) effect on your muscles i.e. you have to exert more willpower to summon them back into your command in the morning. For example, I intended to wake up today at 10:30am to work on this post, but I only sat up at 12pm. So there’s that – if you’re unsure of how heavy you like it, err on the side of caution and get a lighter blanket, so it’s easier to kick off in the morning.
On sleep quality – I don’t feel more or less refreshed waking up, compared to an ordinary blanket. My dreams were also unaffected: I continue to have visions with talking fish heads garnished with a looming fear of failure. Or sometimes less exciting ones. The evidence is unclear on whether weighted blankets in general help with insomnia and other disorders that affect sleep like anxiety. There’s anecdotal evidence, yes, but it’s not a panacea as their advertisements appear to promise. You’ll need more than a product if you want to fundamentally transform your sleep quality (like a commitment to regular sleeping hours, less screentime at night, getting medical treatment for respiratory problems, you know, things that actually require effort).
IN SUMMARY: IT’S WORTH ITS WEIGHT
Whether a weighted blanket is right for you depends on how you define better sleep. If it means falling asleep faster, a weighted blanket might just be your new best friend. If you’re expecting to wake up like a supermodel in like what, a Kotex ad, probably not. But you will at least enjoy going to bed more with a weighted blanket.
Long story short, I am Super Satisfied (5/5 stars) with my purchase of this CUDDLE™ Cool 2.0 Weighted Blanket from Cuddle Beddings. It’s one of those things that you could live without but concretely improves your quality of life once you start using it. At first glance, the price is enough to make you think twice, but it qualifies as a good long-term investment since I’m expecting to use this for years to come. After all, considering I’ll spend at least a third of my life in bed, I might as well enjoy the time there. With that, I’ll see you guys in my dreams where I’m rich and famous…
goodnight, sleep tight, & don’t let the bed bugs bite.
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baby g’s diary 