hijacked to become a series listing things that i hope he has (to write is to manifest)
if his eyes don’t betray admiration and anticipation in the moment he realises i’m a little psychotic (for him, and adorably), i don’t want him
Year: 2024
forever, #2
were you under the impression that my love letters were addressed to you? the man i write to does not exist — he is a feeling, an inseparable part of me.
and the men i’ve loved most in my life — i don’t write about them because i don’t have to; they already know everything.
so when we finally meet, when he fully reciprocates, i promise him, now and forever —
you will be my best-kept secret.
best interest
recently i’ve been playing, i’ve been played; i’ve been trapped in a prisoner’s dilemma. i confessed, i waited, they stayed quiet: i was punished for my faith, and then twice. i persisted until i was a willing party no longer: i had to, i have to, i need to act in my best interest.
but love isn’t a game; if it must be one, then the optimal outcome is not to play.
it doesn’t matter if you crawl back begging for forgiveness; there is nothing to repent for, because there was nothing between us in the first place.
and what about regret? again, i don’t regret anything — except what we could not have.
gwyn’s mental health logs, #2: tips from a psycho
in this series: #0.5 | #1 | #2
First written in Jul 2023, with minor edits and commentary in May 2024
(recovery is non-linear, but it will get better)
[May 2024: Enough about silly trivialities like men and love, boring! Let’s yap about ME! Specifically, my psycho ass side. Reviving the mental health logs for my fans!]
Since my first post, I’m delighted to report that things have been looking up for me! I am still waiting to be connected with a psychologist, though (something about waiting time and accessibility of mental health services in Singapore…)
In the meantime, here’s a list of things that have helped me get through a recent depressive episode. They read like notes from a textbook, but there’s nothing quite like a hands-on experience.
Coming to terms with it all. Simply accepting that I did (and maybe always will) have a problem liberated me to focus on addressing it rather than being trapped in the quandary of self-doubt. [May 2024: Still psycho! But so happy.]
Social support and companionship. Many friends reached out after they saw my earlier post. Two aspects stood out — a lack of judgement and an affirmation that they would stand by me. In the weeks since none of them has treated me differently. We went out, played, and gossiped about nonsense as usual. I will always be grateful for them.
- My partner has also been enormously supportive (well, he has always been), listening to my issues and being a staunch voice of reason whenever my spirals strike. He’s also been willing to communicate his challenges in his role as a “mental health caregiver”, which has helped us better navigate our difficult periods together. It’s important to care for your caregivers too!
Taking a step back and reappraising. Throughout university, I’ve been compelled to prove myself by achieving “success”. My blog was literally named Gwyn’s Guides to Success (it is now Gwyn’s Playground to mirror my newfound commitment to enjoying life). [May 2024: it is now baby g’s diary. Character development!]
- I wanted to get better grades, take up more leadership roles, engage in more extracurriculars, volunteer more, build more connections, write more papers, have my Prof like me more… the list went on. Talk about an unabashedly narrow (but not uncommon) definition of success. Put them together, and lo and behold, you have an amorphous ideal self unattainable by design. Goals became imperatives that incessantly berated me for not being enough regardless of what I did — like having the consciousness of a toxic tiger parent implanted in your brain.
- I hit a turning point when my supervisor pointed out that my mental health was taking a toll on my work and that she was genuinely concerned. It was one hell of a “oh, wow, cool” moment (she broke character for me!) I was in such bad shape I could barely function at work, much less recognise that I was floundering. In the following days, I gave more thought to what I wanted (something I hadn’t done in a long time because I was fixated on getting through the motions). Sure, getting a Master’s degree is ~cool~, but I don’t need to destroy myself over it.
- The same goes for other projects. At the end of the day, a commitment is something you willingly give your time to… so you don’t need to put in any more effort than you can or want to. To paraphrase a quote from another mental health advocate: you can’t water the grass when your well is dry.
- Shoutout to the book Four Thousand Weeks: Time Management for Mortals on this topic. [May 2024: Sweetheart? Please mail it back to me.] The big idea: life is short, you can’t do everything, so embrace finitude and enjoy the moment, darling. As long as you’ve lived a life you thought was worthwhile, what does it matter what others think? In the grand scheme of things, it really doesn’t. Life goes on with or without you. If a good life to me consists of reading manga and writing a personal blog in my spare time that nobody reads(!), then so be it.
Focusing on the things I love, for me. I’ve gotten back into the habit of reading, and you won’t believe this — writing! Similarly, I’m doing things for myself, because I want to, not only because it brings me to some societally-approved end. Some nights, I play Civilization VI over Discord with my friends and then chomp on garlic cheese prata with my family into the wee hours, ignoring the thought that I have a lot of work to do the next day. LOL. Of course, I’ve had to strike a balance because work never ends, but these little moments have made all the difference.
- So get yourself some self-care. Take the time to recharge, and then move onto great things when you’re ready — if you want to, because you don’t have to!
Taking breaks. There’s only so much work you can do in a day. When you pare it down based on energy levels, you’ll realise that most work is not urgent or even important. When I’m stressed, I ask myself: what is the worst that could happen if I mess up this tiny ass task? Or miss a deadline because I’m overwhelmed? So what? It really isn’t worth all that stress. Go take a nap.
Breaking down things. Based on behavioural activation in CBT. Can’t beat your brain? Hack it.
- Just be 1% better than yesterday.
- Committing to the basics, whether you like it or not. Routines, baby!
- I asked a friend over mahjong recently — what is your life purpose? It’s been a long-running preoccupation of mine stemming from the idea that I need to identify some sort of bigger calling to motivate myself to get up every day. He sagely retorted that it’s “not a good question and only stresses you out”.
- Instead, focus on one small thing at a time to keep you looking forward to tomorrow. So that’s what I’m doing. It’s the small things… but they add up to make a good life.
- I am eagerly anticipating the premiere of Dune Part 2 this November (okay, it’s been postponed to March 2024) [May 2024: it was better than I could ever imagine.]
- And for Volume 3 of my favourite manga to be released in English [May 2024: I flirted my way into getting a Japanese copy because I couldn’t wait. I’d do it again! <3]
- I am looking forward to the holiday trips I’ll have this year.
- I am excited to master Japanese and get my JLPT N1 certification! Maybe in 5 years, LOL.
[May 2024: Well, so much has happened since. I’m sure 2023 Gwyn would have been proud of 2024 baby g. I definitely am! Hehe. I love you.]
the little things
- a silly gift
- minds in total sync
- the moment before i fall asleep beside you
- forehead and nose kisses
- asking for nothing in return
- a long hug, after a long time / the sound of your heartbeat
- forgetting, being reminded, and always being forgiven
- the gentleness of the rain, the wind on my face
- a passing thought scrawled on post-it notes
- dancing badly, singing off-key
- lazy basking in the morning sun
- hearing the belly laughter of my dearest
- inside jokes, a knowing look
- knowing i’m safe with you
- knowing i’m unconditionally accepted
- “i’m coming home soon — you want food?”
- a whispered “good night”, a peck on the cheek
- riding pillion after midnight
- messing up my makeup, and accepting it
- listening to my friends’ swashbuckling lore
- aggressive, irrepressible journaling / blogging
- “i read your blog recently”
- books that make me think, poems that make me feel
- candid photos of my friends that embarrass them (i’ll print them in time)
- pictures in which we’re genuinely happy
- warm showers and baths
- the gentle lilt of my grandparents’ voices when giving me advice
- our shoulders or limbs brushing against each other naturally
- watching you sleep like a child
- keeping a secret, just between you and me
- the split second of vulnerability with a stranger
- tracing the lines of your jaw with my thumb
- combing your hair through my fingers
- head pats, a smitten gaze
- your scent
- aimless walks, so we can be together a while longer
- kindness — freely given, eagerly received
- promises fulfilled
- living like heaven doesn’t exist
- realising everything will be alright
- letting go
- the inevitability of love
forever
with you in mind, i wrote another letter — i wanted to believe, so badly, that we were meant for each other. i’ll post it in time, maybe, when i’m doing better. for now, preserved in ink, we’ll always be together.
it’ll be the last one i’ll write you / forever
confrontations
come on, let’s go head-to-head — our bond will grow stronger if we’re meant to be
bad girls, bad boys (newton’s third law)
he made a calculated decision to hurt me, but he did not anticipate that i am a masochist
gwyn’s lay theory of relationships, #3.5
in this series: #1 | #2 | #3 | #3.5
I saw this question on Paiseh Questions recently:
The answer distribution was interesting. It suggests that women do not give themselves completely to men until the latter have “proven their worth”, so to speak.
It made me wonder about my own answer. This post is my process of working it out.
Everyone deserves love — or so a humanistic therapist would say — although not everyone eventually deserves your love.
Not because reciprocity is expected, but because we have a finite capacity and must optimise where it goes. We must make calculated decisions about who we want to love and who we want to love more.
I wanted to believe I could love everyone the same, but I’m only human.
I was obsessed with you. I could beg you to pay attention to me and love me. But what for? I am chasing a mirage. You were never there; only my projected ideal of you was. Alone, I run, and alone, I am exhausted.
Or I could spend all that time that would have otherwise been spent pining on reconnecting with myself and the world. Even redirecting my focus to someone else would be a better idea — someone whose eyes will glow with affection when I am reflected in them and who has a fanatical, absolutist certainty about me. Repeat ad infinitum; such is the search for love.
If I think you’re worth it, of course, I would love you. But I cannot give endlessly without return.
Unrequited love is worthless — yes, not merely useless, worthless. Sure, feel your feelings and all — I understand — but all it ultimately is is a limbo that torments the indecisive. You must move forward. Either cross the suspension bridge to heaven and risk falling or leap straight into hell from where you stand. It will be terrifying for a while, but you will always land, which is a certainty you will never receive from the object of your affection.
The unknown is a critical variable in this. The law of probability is immutable — there is something better out there. Stay or leave for more.
With unrequited love, always leave. You owe it to yourself.
All that being said, would that have stopped me from loving you in the first place?
I bought you a gift before I realised that we had already met for the last time, a decision you made unilaterally for both of us and which I enforced. That’s okay; I’ll use it from now on. I will eventually forget it was ever for you: time is cruel to the ones who are loved but kind to the spurned.
So, my perhaps unexpected answer to the question (given the preamble) is: I will give you everything I have because I am, I was, ready to love you. I don’t believe in withholding love, though I do believe in withdrawing it upon reflection. If it’s not what you’re looking for, I will give it to someone else. I might break, but I will live, recover, and thrive in time.
I hope you do too.
excerpts, #6 (absolute relativity)
i want you to take all the time you need to find yourself — you deserve that much.
but neither will i be waiting for you at the world’s end. with, or without me: you take everything now or you go; it’s a hard yes or a no. we don’t have enough time for anything else.
in the end, it seems to be all about timing, doesn’t it? it is, and it isn’t. we are now locked in each other’s orbit forever, regardless of whether we are bound to meet again in this lifetime.
and so be it, paths crossed or not — i would rather die than settle for you.
baby g’s diary 