Year: 2024

in this series: #0.5 | #1 | #2

First written in Jul 2023, with minor edits and commentary in May 2024
(recovery is non-linear, but it will get better)

[May 2024: Enough about silly trivialities like men and love, boring! Let’s yap about ME! Specifically, my psycho ass side. Reviving the mental health logs for my fans!]

Since my first post, I’m delighted to report that things have been looking up for me! I am still waiting to be connected with a psychologist, though (something about waiting time and accessibility of mental health services in Singapore…)

In the meantime, here’s a list of things that have helped me get through a recent depressive episode. They read like notes from a textbook, but there’s nothing quite like a hands-on experience.

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Coming to terms with it all. Simply accepting that I did (and maybe always will) have a problem liberated me to focus on addressing it rather than being trapped in the quandary of self-doubt. [May 2024: Still psycho! But so happy.]

Social support and companionship. Many friends reached out after they saw my earlier post. Two aspects stood out — a lack of judgement and an affirmation that they would stand by me. In the weeks since none of them has treated me differently. We went out, played, and gossiped about nonsense as usual. I will always be grateful for them.

• My partner has also been enormously supportive (well, he has always been), listening to my issues and being a staunch voice of reason whenever my spirals strike. He’s also been willing to communicate his challenges in his role as a “mental health caregiver”, which has helped us better navigate our difficult periods together. It’s important to care for your caregivers too!

Taking a step back and reappraising. Throughout university, I’ve been compelled to prove myself by achieving “success”. My blog was literally named Gwyn’s Guides to Success (it is now Gwyn’s Playground to mirror my newfound commitment to enjoying life). [May 2024: it is now baby g’s diary. Character development!]

• I wanted to get better grades, take up more leadership roles, engage in more extracurriculars, volunteer more, build more connections, write more papers, have my Prof like me more… the list went on. Talk about an unabashedly narrow (but not uncommon) definition of success. Put them together, and lo and behold, you have an amorphous ideal self unattainable by design. Goals became imperatives that incessantly berated me for not being enough regardless of what I did — like having the consciousness of a toxic tiger parent implanted in your brain.
• I hit a turning point when my supervisor pointed out that my mental health was taking a toll on my work and that she was genuinely concerned. It was one hell of a “oh, wow, cool” moment (she broke character for me!) I was in such bad shape I could barely function at work, much less recognise that I was floundering. In the following days, I gave more thought to what I wanted (something I hadn’t done in a long time because I was fixated on getting through the motions). Sure, getting a Master’s degree is ~cool~, but I don’t need to destroy myself over it.
• The same goes for other projects. At the end of the day, a commitment is something you willingly give your time to… so you don’t need to put in any more effort than you can or want to. To paraphrase a quote from another mental health advocate: you can’t water the grass when your well is dry.
• Shoutout to the book Four Thousand Weeks: Time Management for Mortals on this topic. [May 2024: Sweetheart? Please mail it back to me.] The big idea: life is short, you can’t do everything, so embrace finitude and enjoy the moment, darling. As long as you’ve lived a life you thought was worthwhile, what does it matter what others think? In the grand scheme of things, it really doesn’t. Life goes on with or without you. If a good life to me consists of reading manga and writing a personal blog in my spare time that nobody reads(!), then so be it.

Focusing on the things I love, for me. I’ve gotten back into the habit of reading, and you won’t believe this — writing! Similarly, I’m doing things for myself, because I want to, not only because it brings me to some societally-approved end. Some nights, I play Civilization VI over Discord with my friends and then chomp on garlic cheese prata with my family into the wee hours, ignoring the thought that I have a lot of work to do the next day. LOL. Of course, I’ve had to strike a balance because work never ends, but these little moments have made all the difference.

• So get yourself some self-care. Take the time to recharge, and then move onto great things when you’re ready — if you want to, because you don’t have to!

Taking breaks. There’s only so much work you can do in a day. When you pare it down based on energy levels, you’ll realise that most work is not urgent or even important. When I’m stressed, I ask myself: what is the worst that could happen if I mess up this tiny ass task? Or miss a deadline because I’m overwhelmed? So what? It really isn’t worth all that stress. Go take a nap.

Breaking down things. Based on behavioural activation in CBT. Can’t beat your brain? Hack it.

• Just be 1% better than yesterday.
• Committing to the basics, whether you like it or not. Routines, baby!
• I asked a friend over mahjong recently — what is your life purpose? It’s been a long-running preoccupation of mine stemming from the idea that I need to identify some sort of bigger calling to motivate myself to get up every day. He sagely retorted that it’s “not a good question and only stresses you out”.
• Instead, focus on one small thing at a time to keep you looking forward to tomorrow. So that’s what I’m doing. It’s the small things… but they add up to make a good life.
  • I am eagerly anticipating the premiere of Dune Part 2 this November (okay, it’s been postponed to March 2024) [May 2024: it was better than I could ever imagine.]
  • And for Volume 3 of my favourite manga to be released in English [May 2024: I flirted my way into getting a Japanese copy because I couldn’t wait. I’d do it again! <3]
  • I am looking forward to the holiday trips I’ll have this year.
  • I am excited to master Japanese and get my JLPT N1 certification! Maybe in 5 years, LOL.

[May 2024: Well, so much has happened since. I’m sure 2023 Gwyn would have been proud of 2024 baby g. I definitely am! Hehe. I love you.]