sleep – baby g’s diary

i could never fall asleep easily around them.

one time i stared wide-eyed at the ceiling through midnight until his alarm rang. when i studied him, basking in the warmth of the golden hour, he seemed to be having a pleasant dream: maybe life was sweeter for him there. back in reality, all that was left for me to do was envy him.

i think that one sleeps soundly when there’s nothing to worry about.

another time we stayed up until it was warm; i was talking at him throughout, at a pace so frenetic it was as if i already knew that we would never see each other again. i couldn’t sleep, even with the additional melatonin in my blood. i did have a lot i wanted to share, but now i wonder if it was also because i didn’t feel comfortable enough to let the silence settle in between us. it adds up, because i can no longer remember what we said, only what was left unsaid.

as someone who’s had insomnia all her life, falling asleep easily is a blessing. a perfect descent is like wading into a warm ocean with the scent of home around you. deceptively light at first, a heaviness weighs you down until you realise you’re sinking to the point of no return: it conquers you whether you embrace or resist it. but it’s easier to let go with someone — if you trust that they’ll eventually pull you back to the surface to breathe again.

maybe they knew, maybe they didn’t — either way, i don’t think they cared.

i’ve joined them now. these days, i burrow into my blanket and hug my bolster tight. for sure, doing so can’t replicate the affections of a drowsy lover. but it is nice in its own way: nestled away in my cocoon, sometimes — just sometimes — i hear the sound of the waves and nothing else.

I was recently diagnosed with a sleep disorder – and I couldn’t be happier about it.

But before I share why, let me tell my story.

I have a circadian rhythm disorder, which means my body clock is out of sync with my environment. Specifically, I have delayed sleep phase disorder (DSPD), where my body clock is misaligned with conventional sleep-wake hours. I also have idiopathic hypersomnia – a fancy way of saying I sleep a lot more than the average person, but it’s not clear why.

*me, forced to sleep, thinking of society’s expectations*

Neither diagnosis was surprising to me.

Since adolescence, I’ve struggled with sleeping and waking. I had an inkling something was wrong after I was nearly debarred from one 9am class in polytechnic for oversleeping every lecture. I attempted to seek treatment in 2017 but gave up after finding no leads and later becoming preoccupied with university.

Uni offered a flexibility that kept my condition dormant (there’s a reason I’m in academia). But recent events have reminded me that the flexibility I’ve enjoyed will not last forever. Besides, my haphazard way of life could do with some improvement. That resolution brought me to the doctor’s office, a sleep study, and where we are now.

So what’s the deal, really?

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Tag: sleep

somnolence