psychology – baby g’s diary

in this series: #1 (#1.5) | #2 | #3 (#3.5) | #4 | #5 (#5.5) | #6 | #7 (#7.5)

OK clowns we are back with another instalment hot on the heels of #3 (knowing thyself). Now that you know who you are and what you want, it is time to get out there and DESTROY your opponents.

First, we will hyperoptimise our profiles on dating apps. Then, we will hyperoptimise the “pruning process”, that is, deciding who converts from dating app match -> texting. More in guide #5 later.

What’s in a (Good) Profile?

I only used Hinge, so we’re going to run with that. I didn’t use Tinder because hearsay it’s primarily a hookup app (not that I wouldn’t thrive there), avoided Coffee Meets Bagel because I was afraid people there were too wholesome, and that’s right — no Bumble for me because I don’t chase, I attract! And definitely no Kopi Date because men better pay to meet me, not vice versa. (I’m cackling lol)

Dating apps are exceptionally unforgiving environments; one swipe to the left, and you’re out for good. You only have one chance to impress, which will be determined by your profile.

So some tips based on my observations:

Every photo and every prompt response must illustrate a quirk that distinguishes you as a person from others. Hinge allows for 6 pictures/videos and 3 text prompts and lets you play around with voice recordings and polls, among other things. There’s so much room for experimentation! I have nothing to complain about on their end. But they can only do so much — more important is how you utilise this potential handed to you.

The point of a profile is to communicate information about you as a distinct individual. Hence, you want to use every weapon at your disposal to convince others that you are ✨ unique and special ✨.

Disclaimer: I accept that I have some pretty privilege (there’s no way around this; either I admit that I have it and I am perceived as self-absorbed, or I pretend that I don’t have it and I am perceived as fake). This pretty privilege shapes the way I evaluate and swipe. But if you look put together and you’re authentic, you’re already ahead of the game. Social perception is an incredibly powerful gift — humans make accurate impressions of others within 5 seconds about how extroverted, intelligent, and even responsible they are. Even on a dating app, if you look closely enough, you can quickly tell who’s secure and authentic — and who’s not. We run with what we have.

Some general recommendations across genders

In #3 I joked about “boring and cliche” people, but it is actually extremely difficult to be one. As long as you have any hobby — a niche interest you do for its own sake — you are no longer boring because you now have experiences that differentiate you from others. To really be boring, you must (1) not do anything remotely interesting at all, or you (2) cannot communicate your experiences in a way that allows you to connect with others.
- But some hobbies are less niche than others. Like watching K-drama. Not that it’s not a valid hobby, but stating it does nothing to distinguish you from everyone else.
- One thing that is NOT a hobby, by the way, is sleeping. Because LITERALLY everyone sleeps. For the love of god, DO NOT spend a precious prompt indicating that you like to sleep or cuddle. EVERYONE likes to sleep or cuddle. You’re better off saying you love to have sex, because at least you’d be admired as someone who has the guts to admit it.
- See below for an example sent by a friend. I would be worried about being flamed, but I realise that this poll is so generic that the person probably couldn’t even identify it as theirs with confidence… and that’s the whole point.

Dog and cat pictures are OK (if you’re hot) (I’m joking), but they’re such an overexploited offering that they won’t help you stand out unless the pet is a defining feature of your identity (e.g., you are a cat dad).
- This logic extends to everything, actually. If you don’t have some witty thing or niche hobby to include, go big or go home with some wild experience instead. You like films? Share that you binge-watched 8 films in a row and fainted. You like travelling? Share that you got ROBBED in Europe or lost your passport and was detained at the airport. Trump supporter? Please post a picture of you wearing a MAGA cap so I can swipe left and report you too.
Funny incidents. Recommended. One of my friends uploaded a voice recording of him (disguised as a news report) sardonically detailing how he got hit by a car and flung along the road. Now that’s a standout feature. I would swipe right for that alone.
Sports is good in general.
- Y’all have no idea how many men I swiped for their pictures alone. Yes. I have no shame. I LOVE rugby boys; they look so intense when they’re ballin’ (screams unhingedly). I LOVE dragon boaters pumping it in the water. I LOVE men who golf — an uncountable number of men received requests from me to hit me with their sticks. Hell, you could post a funny picture of you struggling on a Pilates reformer machine, and I would laugh and swipe right. That’s the whole point — to entertain and to impress.
- The same goes for girls. I am starting to notice a trend where I find that men are surprisingly willing to simp over strong and fit girls. It’s just embedded in our DNA to want fit people.
- Oh, gym pictures and mirror selfies are mid, by the way. Because virtually everyone gyms nowadays. It’s about the sport, because it demonstrates a hobby.
Travel pictures/stories. OK if you’re doing something funny/exciting (shows you have personality and grit) or it’s an outlandish story. I do not care if your favourite travel destination is Japan. Scenic backdrops are OK if you have a lovely smile to accompany them, but use them in moderation.
Education. Intelligence reigns supreme in mating decisions, regardless of gender. This should already be covered by your demographic information. Still, if you really don’t have any other pictures to put, a picture of you in a graduation gown with your institution as a backdrop is an OK choice. Like, guy #5 had a pic of him at his graduation ceremony from a world top 5 uni (I cannot elaborate more in case I am sued) and yeah. He even took the time to kindly reiterate to me that he had lived overseas. Like we couldn’t tell, sir.
Voice prompts. The best voice recording is a funny one (e.g. bad singing or something subversive). There are no exceptions to this. You playing a musical instrument is a close second. And DO NOT WHISPER TO ME SULTRILY THAT YOU LIKE TO SLEEP OR THAT I AM A GOOD GIRL!!!!!!
Demographic information / your preferences.
- For Singaporeans, hide the following information: gender, sexuality, gender you’re interested in, hometown, ethnicity. They’re just clutter and add no value if you’re a normie (like me). But if you’re not a normie, indicate the aspects that would surprise a general audience.
- Your religious and political beliefs. Important to state to sieve out people dissimilar from you (you cannot ignore their ugly heads for long, no matter how hard you try). If someone’s apolitical, they’re immediately out for me, no matter how good their ELO is.
- Family plans. VERY IMPORTANT. Dealbreaker.
- Your dating intentions and relationship type. Important. Don’t lie about it — you will waste everyone’s time. Most people seek monogamous relationships, so that’s not an issue. More interesting is dating intentions. I provide a layman’s translation below for the preferences.
  - Life partner = I WANT TO GET MARRIED AND I ROUGHLY KNOW WHEN.
  - Long-term relationship = I MIGHT WANT TO GET MARRIED, BUT I’M UNSURE WHEN.
  - Long-term relationship, open to short = I WANT A PARTNER, BUT I’M DTF.
  - Short-term relationship, open to long = I AM PRIMARILY DTF, BUT YOU MIGHT CHANGE MY MIND. DON’T HOPE FOR IT THOUGH!
  - Short-term relationship = I AM JUST HERE TO SMASH OR HAVE A SITUATIONSHIP!!! I SHOULD BE ON TINDER!!! WHY AM I HERE!!!
  - Figuring out my dating goals = I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I WANT. HELP! 🚩🚩🚩
  - Prefer not to say = AVOID ME AT ALL COSTS, BECAUSE I AM HIDING SOMETHING.

More recommendations by gender. If we follow the rules of mating theory (see Buss & Schmitt, 2019, and this post for context):

Women: life’s on easy mode here

Assuming men prioritise physical attractiveness, all you have to do is show that you’re hot.
- I didn’t put my bikini picture on there, but I’d probably have had more matches if I had. I did put my garter reel on there, and of course, it drove the boys crazy, even if they pretended otherwise. (I know you watched the video, even if you messaged me via another prompt.)
But note that being hot only gets your foot in the door. It doesn’t mean you’ll hold their attention. You also need some degree of personality (see above), or you won’t be wife material.

Men: have it a little harder

Assume women are looking for security in the form of a man (1) being able to provide economic and status resources, (2) offering physical protection, and (3) being willing to commit. You need to communicate these three aspects to be an ideal fit for a long-term partner.
Uniform (NS) pictures are particularly interesting because they are fundamentally about two things: power and by extension authority kinks. Being a high-ranking soldier always helps, but eh, there are many officers around so don’t expect it to build your case much. A guy did tell me he was a Captain, though, and that was mm, chef’s kiss. Nice. But he said I was too unhinged. And if you look like a daddy in your uniform picture, well? Throw it in, baby! Bonus for you, bonus for me.
Some picture of you doing a rich-looking hobby. You don’t actually have to be rich. Examples of rich-looking hobbies are diving, golf, wine, driving a BOAT, I am out of ideas. I know this sounds classist. But people are classist, especially in Singapore, whether they admit it or not. We’re just playing by the rules. But you don’t have to if you don’t want to.
Willingness to commit. Generally, women who are looking for LTRs avoid fuckboy-looking profiles because the vibe they communicate is “I’m a hot guy, I have choices, you’re in for a ride”. (This comes from someone with the same vibe on their profile.) I was more than happy to play along with a handsome boy who looked like one, though, because I trusted that he was looking for love. He proceeded to disappoint me. Sigh. Like I said, first impressions don’t lie.

Now my friends (rubs hands) is the EXCITING PART!!!

That’s right — we’re critiquing GWYN’S HINGE PROFILE!!!

Observe: babygirl in the wild.

Alright. Let’s break down my profile based on the pictures and prompts in the order you see in the video.

Video #1 (garter reel): Got 200k on Instagram reels. Can’t go wrong. I think it works because of the surprise factor (someone told me it’s borderline flashing) and my knowing smile.
The poll (Hell’s Museum): Optimised to identify prospects interested in visiting Haw Par Villa, which seemed like a fun first date to me. Going to Hell, that is. Quite revealing of my personality.
The voice prompt: You can’t hear it but it’s me mispronouncing my name (in the style of Wahluigi) against the backdrop of video game music. I thought it was funny. Some people agreed.
Text prompt #1 (Jazz in July): Specifies a relatively niche music genre, jazz, which I love. It sieves out people who are open to new or similar interests. (I return to this in guide #7; it was a surprisingly pivotal prompt. Also, going back to guide #2, it effectively showed me who had a genuine interest in my hobbies.)
Demographics. Note the omission of non-critical information.
Picture #1 (phone booth): Simply because I’m smiling authentically. I really liked this moment in time. You catch the vibe or you don’t.
Picture #2 (mirror selfie): I felt hot with this one. That’s it. It’s one of the more popular pictures among my matches.
Text prompt #2 (weirdly attracted to men): Communicates my love-hate relationship with men and if you read into it more, my bratty nature. Easy to reply to to start a conversation (it’s all about pandering to the audience). I’ll admit it’s not the best prompt, though, because it’s quite generic.
Video #2 (pool): Another hobby to connect with others like myself. I’m not good, but that’s not the point. The point is to demonstrate you’re willing to try something new.
Text prompt #3 (Tajikistan): I wrote this because I had learned that fact the day before and didn’t have anything else to write. It communicates somewhat that I enjoy trivia. It was not a very good prompt, though it did have its takers.
Picture #3 (cat ears): Tailored to the male gaze.
Picture #4 (Tom meme): Because I love him. Also, high-level playful jab as if to judge men eyeing my profile (to make them a bit self-aware).

Feel free to criticise constructively for discussion’s sake. It won’t hurt my feelings because whatever you say, it worked well enough for me.

I later modified my profile to replace the following:

Original	Modified	Rationale for change
Text Prompt #1 (Jazz in July)	Together, we could To save your time and mine, I: [included my dealbreakers]	Only Two (2) People in my entire time on Hinge were genuinely interested in jazz. So, I can’t believe I’m saying this, but it was too niche to the point that it was almost useless. (But see guide #7 when it’s out…) The dealbreakers text was a significant improvement from the original because it effectively filtered out men who could not handle me.
Text Prompt #2 (weirdly attracted to men)	I won’t shut up about how to hyperoptimise love and dating	Well, self-explanatory. And serves as a conversation starter since people are interested in this topic.
Text Prompt #3 (Tajikistan)	What if I told you that I can tell what your aura is by the end of our first date	Party trick I realised I had a talent for after going on a few first dates. And people love hearing about how others see them.

So yeah, I eliminated what wasn’t working. I didn’t have time to change the pictures, though if I could, I would replace the one of me playing pool with me drunkenly yelling in public. In the style of if you can’t handle this, don’t swipe me.

OK that was longer than I expected. Let’s move on to the Conversion Process.

The Conversion Process: App -> Texting

Use the in-app chat platform to sieve out instant dealbreakers. This includes people who are RUDE or who don’t know their boundaries.

Examples. Again, profile pictures are not hidden because I do not care. You put yourself out there, you deal with the consequences of your behaviour.

^ This guy is a particularly good example of someone who should be instantly DQed. A “neg” is a psychological tactic primarily used by men to get women. It involves insulting the woman to bring her confidence down, hoping she’ll like you more in an attempt to compensate. But I don’t even think he was operating at this level — I wouldn’t give him that much credit. He probably just disliked me.

I did convert him to Telegram, because he was hot and I was trying to see the good in him, but it was a mistake. Our subsequent texting was toxic af. We didn’t full-out hurl insults at each other, but I could feel his contempt for me dripping in his words. It was a *disgusting* experience. Why put myself through that? And you might think that you can change them, but consider: what are you really inviting with a person who fundamentally believes he can be rude to *strangers?* *If he’s rude to you from the beginning, he will continue to be rude.* Anyway, next.

^ Asking for head off the bat is *insane*. You think you deserve head from me? Men would BEG and then PAY for it, and you think you can get it with what??? A skincare routine, like, basic self-care? Jesus. Immediately dropped.

Only convert with those with whom you have established a degree of conversational flow. This is subjective, but once you feel comfortable texting them, convert them immediately from the app to a messaging platform. I usually give my Telegram username and ask them to DM me. I do this typically within an hour or at most a day of texting them on Hinge. After all, if you don’t like them later, you can sever the connection (see guide #6 on this topic).

I think that’s enough for this post. In the next guide, #5, we will discuss the rules of engagement — that is, how to build rapport on Telegram AND how to have a great first date! See you then. Kiss ❤

in this series: #1 (#1.5) | #2 | #3 (#3.5) | #4 | #5 (#5.5) | #6 | #7 (#7.5)

In this series: #1 | #1.5

I was recently invited to give a TED talk (where TED stands for Topical Extended Discussion here) by a clown. Of course, I have risen to the challenge.

no donations to you, detested organisation!

I began with the intent to capture obsession but got sidetracked into operationalising interpersonal interest instead. Oh well, still a worthy contribution to society.

A brief primer on terms used in psychometrics (the art of measurement in psychology). Since I have repeated this to my students ad nauseam, I might as well lecture my fans too.

A concept/construct: the phenomenon you want to understand. Usually a “big idea” that needs further definition and explanation. In this case, interpersonal interest.
- What does it mean to be interested in someone?
- What are the characteristics that comprise interest? What are the central elements it must have, such that if they were not present, the concept would no longer be “interest”?
Operationalisation: to make a concept measurable. What are the observable signs of interest?
- We must be able to see and measure these markers. For example, if thinking about someone is a sign of interest, we should be able to measure it somehow.
  - Example: count the number of times you think about that person in a day or the percentage of time you spend thinking about someone compared to others.
- Things that are not measurable are psychometrically (and scientifically) worthless.
  - Example: the “energy vibrations” I send out to the universe when I am cursing men to dream about me. HAH

Interpersonal interest: how much you’re interested in someone or vice versa. Contextualised to social media since that’s my panopticon playground and main site of research.

Now, the Checklist

Signs, in order of increasing intensity (0/absence = least interested, 5 = most interested). Checking off a sign higher on the list indicates that the lower signs have already been met.

Watching your stories.
- The more stories you watch and the more you regularly check for updates, the stronger the interest. (If your defense is “I’m just scrolling”… don’t you have better things to do?)
Visiting your public platforms unprompted.
- The preceding suggests they are taking the initiative to visit your profile (or blog, hehehe) without an external stimulus i.e. the action stems from an internal desire. Quite telling behaviour, if you ask me (I adore men who are obsessed with me).
- Unprompted access to your profile is trickier to measure, but you can make logical deductions (my favourite activity). I wish I knew who read my blog, but it doesn’t matter because I delude myself into thinking that everyone reads it anyway. Delulu~ is the solulu~
Texting.
- Obviously. The more frequent and initiated, the stronger the interest.
- A step up from the above because it means that at least one party has initiated contact, hence manifesting the interest. But see the section below on power asymmetry.
- By the way, DMs on Instagram are like a 2.5. We’re not really friends until we have each other’s numbers (and I’m not just saying this because it means you can then PayNow me).
Meeting in person.
- Kind of an inevitability following 3 if the relationship is worth anything — see comments below.
Putting aside your ego for them.
- Best illustrated with a negative example — persistence in effort despite being rejected. Imagine one of your best friends said one day that they wanted to end the relationship. If you would fly down to their place and cry at their doorstep begging them to take you back, that’s a 5.
- Because it means you’re down so bad you’d put your pride down for another shot, even when the odds are against you. The relinquishing of pride, given its fundamental importance to one’s self-esteem, is the greatest compliment you can confer upon another.
- We love that; I do. I’ve done it before, and I’ll always have a soft spot for those who’ve tried it with me.

Some comments

Before you rate them, you must pre-categorise people into romantic OR platonic interest.
- If you can’t decide, default to platonic (if you have to think twice, you don’t like them enough — don’t waste their time!)
- Being interested platonically does not necessarily mean I am interested romantically (fine: the “friendzone”). BUT if I am interested romantically, I am probably also interested platonically. So romantic is a sub-category of platonic.
3 (texting) and 4 (meeting in person) are the most intimately connected signs. The jump from 2 to 3 and 4 to 5 is comparatively large. Not that a relationship can’t be solid if it’s based entirely on text exchanges (the modern equivalent of a pen pal), but unless you have some extenuating circumstance (e.g. live on the other side of the world), there is no reason to not meet.
- I detest 3.5 romantic prospects the most — those who linger in texting limbo but do not entertain further contact. They’re playing you, sis! You are a backup plan. DROP them like a hot potato, stat.
Only consider people 3 and above to be potential friends, 4 for lovers.
- The 2s either have no courage or do not care enough about you to pursue a relationship. Neither is your problem. Your time should be spent cultivating 3s, 4s, and 5s.
- They’ve said that they love you over text but can’t seem to find the time to meet? They are asking for a small loan of $20,000, too? They are a LOVE SCAMMER.
If you meet a 5 and you feel 5 towards them too — keep them in your life as far as possible.

On power asymmetries

And now, class, a fun activity:

Identify someone you’re interested in.
Rate your level of interest in them.
THEN, rate — based on their past behaviour — their level of interest in you. Only look at what they’ve done: do not assume, do not infer their intentions.

Use the following formula to determine the interest asymmetry score:
[their interest in me] – [my interest in them].

Examples (may or may not be taken from my past experience):

Someone acts like a 2 to me [their interest in me]. I act like a 0 to them [my interest in them]. 2 – 0 = +2.
Someone acts like a 0 to me. I act like a 5 to them. 0 – 5 = -5.

A positive score indicates that you have more power in deciding how the relationship will develop presently. A negative score indicates the power is in their favour. Higher scores = greater magnitude of asymmetry.

Any asymmetry calls for an attempt at rebalancing.

If you have more power (+): decide if their effort is worth matching.
- If yes, match it.
- If not, let them down easy. That’s the least you can do for them. (Except for players. Drag them to hell, babes.)
If you have less power (-): decide if they are worth your time and investment.
- If yes and you want more, COMMUNICATE YOUR DESIRES.
- If not, off you go for greener pastures, sweaty! We have no time for low-effort relationships.

That being said, you never know how someone might respond to you in the end. (People might really be watching my stories simply because they are interested in observing hypomania in the wild, or because I’m super hot, and NOT because I’m a complex person with deep feelings and thoughts and great music taste. Sigh)

And the scorecard now does not mean it will always be the same; people and contexts change. In particular, based on my past experience, the power dynamics in intense relationships (another favourite of mine) are always fluctuating. Is that stable? No. But is that fun? Absolutely.

Finally, we manifest that we will only settle for 5-5s.

Well, class is dismissed; I hope you enjoyed it. My DMs are always open to new ideas! x