emdash abuser
you’ll never see this, but in the off chance you do:
you’re not like the others at all — you were special. i don’t think love can be quantified, but i loved you so much that i put you before me for as long as i could.
and didn’t you do the same for me?
you’re the only one who deserves better than everything i could’ve given you.
more than anything, i hope that you find happiness. when we eventually meet again, i know you’ll be happier than you’ve ever been with me.
writing this to you on a whim. yes, to you, my dearest, who is reading this post unprompted. i won’t be sharing about this one; i’ll actively bury it, even. because it’s for you.
don’t get me wrong, i love getting views on my posts. after all, what is self-expression without an audience? i did realise recently, however, that all the people i’ve loved before have encountered my blog in one incarnation or another. it existed in different physical forms, but it didn’t matter; the core was the same — all of them were always an extension of me.
it might just have been morbid curiosity on their part, in the same way you cannot take your eyes off an impending crash. nonetheless, i choose to believe they loved me too, in their own way, or better: they might not have wanted to, but they couldn’t help it in the end.
my mind’s running, it always is: i am enraptured by the significance of what it means for me to write and for you to read. between our screens is a whole parallel universe, and all it has is us two. do you understand?
do you ever wonder if i’m writing about you? what do you think i want from you, and what do you want from me?
do you love me, did you love me at all?
if you decided to leave, why am i still writing to you, and why are you still here reading?
do you feel like an interloper yet?
i love you so much; please let me go.
i dreamt of you, finally.
you told me you met the greatest love of your life, yet your voice cracked ever so slightly, and your smile was a little twisted.
you didn’t have to tell me; i know it was merely a matter of time. i hope you hold onto her tight and give her all the love she deserves, and her to you.
why were we standing facing each other again?
of all things, i remember the embrace of your arms in the quiet dark — it’s not been the same since. my cheek nestled in the nook of your neck, the steady whisper of your breath on my forehead. you would always fall asleep first — softly, calmly, the rise and fall of your chest signalling the transition to an altered state of consciousness.
one, two, three, four.
i would catch up to you later, lingering in that liminal space where nothing else mattered; it was just you and me. even when we had to wake up eventually, even when you would unconsciously turn your back to me in time.
i love you, i love you.
indeed, in an altered state, you will always be mine.
baby g’s diary 