in this series: #1 (#1.5) | #2 | #3 (#3.5) | #4 | #5 (#5.5) | #6 | #7 (#7.5)
Hi. How has your love quest been? Good, I hope, with my wonderful guides. LOL
Today, we detail Gwyn’s rules of engagement, namely how to (1) decide who to convert from texting to in-person meets and (2) suss out the ones suitable for you from your meetups.
Before we begin, I have a little silly activity for you. It ostensibly helps you to determine how many people you should meet given some rules you set for yourself.
How Many People Should I Date? (365!?)
Before my time on Hinge, while doing the important preparatory work, I found this hilarious calculator which calculates (using math) how many dates you need to go on to find an ideal partner. Please try it and log your stats so you can look back and laugh at yourself like I did.
It is based upon the optimal stopping rule, which advises that you spend the first 37% of your dating period evaluating potential partners (“data-gathering phase” to, well, figure out what you want) before committing to the next person who surpasses all previous ones.
Here were my stats:
- if I’m willing to go on 3-4 dates a week (yah I was crazy, it’s not feasible in the long-run)
- and want to find an ideal partner within 2 years (haha, 2 weeks [snorts])
- settling with the best possible partner
- with chances of rejection being 10% (yah I was optimistic I admit. 50% is realistic)
I need to go on 132 dates and let them go no matter what. Then I’ll have a 34.6% chance of finding The One from the total pool of 365 dates.
Insert a massive “your mileage may vary” comment here because this is a rational solution to an emotional problem. Logic is annihilated in the face of emotion. When I met my man, I was so sure about him that I dropped all future prospects immediately. If anything, it could guide estimating how many people you could meet given the effort you’re willing to put in. Aside from that, it’s just for fun.
Anyway, it’s time to YAP.
The Texting Stage, Our Infamous Friend
We assume you have converted a lucky few from dating app to text platform based on your initial impressions. So, we move into the next gear — ahhhh, so exciting!!!
Text Away to Prune, You Must
Don’t be afraid to double-text in moderation. It indicates interest, and if they liked you back, they wouldn’t see you as desperate. And it’s good grounds for elimination. I used the three-strike rule: you’re out if I double-text you more than twice. The third one is a parting message (see guide #6), and no take backsies~ (so it takes only 72 hours to DQ a prospect, wink). Remember: there are no bad texters. There are only texters who don’t like you enough.
Every single text should represent your authentic self. Skip the formalities. Speak like you would speak to your friends. Be polite, of course, but not to the point of being overly reserved. Be respectful but not detached. Send stickers and hearts. Be a little bit careless. It’s not a work interview — we’re here to have fun. Live laugh LJ, OK?
Know when to share what — match their level of reciprocity, but always give a bit more to keep the conversation going. And then more, more, more, until you burrow yourself into their hearts and leave your indelible mark. Your love is not a crime.
Use your gut feeling to decide what’s right. DO NOT trauma dump until you’ve met; sudden excessive disclosure is a turn-off.
People who like you do two things beyond bantering: (1) send you telebubbles of themselves and (2) tell you about their day without you asking. But this does not mean they (will) love you; it could very well be love-bombing behaviour. I remember the fun calls I had with Captain, who did not love me in return.
Eeny, Meeny, Miny, Moe, Who Shall We Meet Next (“Full Conversions”)
Meet only those you have established rapport with.
Don’t jump the gun no matter how high-value they seem (if you missed it, read the story featuring Guy #5; that was a bop). If you’re direct, just say you’d like to get to know them better before scheduling a date. If you prefer to be indirect, say you’re booked until next week. If you’re a woman, do not explain your schedule. If you’re a man, explain if you want brownie points. Ultimately, both parties will set aside time for each other if they are keen on meeting, which is natural if you have built a bond via texting.
OK I will admit I only spoke to My Man for 4 days before meeting him. BUT he is a special case (obviously) for two reasons. First, we had a common interest (jazz), which was a good enough reason to meet in itself. Second, I sensed from the start that he was a decent guy. He was polite, responsive, and showed initiative consistently. I was so certain about my judgement that I considered giving him a kiss by the end of the date before the date began. Yes, I’m crazy. And yes, of course I was right.
Rostering
To have a roster is to juggle multiple prospects at once, at least on a texting basis. I don’t know how common this is, but I suspect everyone does it to some extent. My roster had 3-5 serious considerations at any one time. And all the men I met were rostering. So there’s nothing to feel insecure or threatened about since everyone does it. Rather, your goal should be to climb to the top of that list (no compliment matches being told that “you’re #1 right now”, LOL. I’d better be!)
- Funny one: high-value men do not just roster, they sometimes even deconflict. I matched two men who I discovered later were literal besties. They had an internal agreement on who would get me (although I had a say insofar as I only replied the one I liked more)!!! What is the world coming to!!!
Even discussing your rosters can make for a fun meta ice-breaker. A handsome guy asked me about mine, and I told him oh, you’re #2 because I haven’t talked to you much. He sweetly informed me in turn that I was #3 for a similar reason — because he had met someone else earlier than me, so they had a time advantage. But how long you’ve known someone is not predictive of how intense the connection will be; rather, it is the quality of your conversations.
Also, you’ll never know how intense the connection really is until you meet them. (My Man was not #1 in the texting phase. I then met him and decided he was #1 for the foreseeable future.)
First Dates!!! ❤
Dates as Marriage Interviews… or Not
When someone from a dating app agrees to meet you, they are looking out for three things you can potentially provide them.
- Love, of which there are two subcategories:
- 1a. Romantic love
- 1b. Friendship
- Sex
- Financial benefit / a free meal (rare, included only for comprehensiveness; if you do this, you’re silly)
Gender differences
- Men are always 2, and sometimes 1a&2.
- Men sometimes want love.
- But my guess is that men always want sex. In the sense that, even if he does not initiate any sexual contact, he will always welcome it if you offer. Let me say it again — always.
- Women are generally 1a, and sometimes 1a&2.
- Women can be looking for sex, too.
- But we assume that a majority of women are primarily looking for love on the basis that they cannot compartmentalise sex and love as cleanly as men can.
- 3 is a Shiny Pokémon that operates on rules from a bizarre universe. They are not dating to find love. They are looking to sell insurance (both men and women) or eat out for free (typically women). If you have the misfortune to meet someone like this, end the date ASAP.
Extrapolating from the points above we can identify subtypes of daters based on their intentions (which, interestingly, aligns somewhat with Hinge’s dating preferences).
Dater subtypes
- Genuinely seeking a partner (1a&2). This person’s primary goal is to determine if you will be a good long-term partner for them. Sex is a bonus but a secondary afterthought.
- The friendzoner (1b). A special breed. Basically, they go to meetups intending to build a connection with no possibility of romance. Friendship could also be an outcome of marriage interview failure — a coup de grâce — if 1a (love) doesn’t work out, but they still find their partner interesting as a person.
- Players (only 2). Another special breed and the most interesting of them all. Typically men. They are not interested in seeking love with you — they only want sex*. What distinguishes this category of daters is their strategy: they masquerade as the genuinely seeking type, but this is only a ploy to get you in bed. In other words, they prey on the female weakness in conflating love and sex to get the latter.
- Clowns (only 3). More likely to be women than men due to social norms.
The differentiation is important because their behaviours will differ if you observe closely.
- 3 is obviously the easiest to tell. Out of nowhere, they ask you about your financial goals. We move on.
What we care about is how to separate a player from a genuine seeker.
Differentiating genuine seekers and players
Genuine seekers’ behaviours. My pet name for them is “secure (wo)men”.
- One thing I’ve noticed about men who are (really) looking for long-term relationships is that they cut to the chase. They talk about preferences and deal-breakers early. They help you decide in a collaborative manner — they do not lead you on, they do not play games.
- One date (I will always have a soft spot for him because he was so kind to me) saw the way I looked at two kids walking by — and he immediately mentioned he didn’t want kids. This was half an hour into our first and only date. I remember turning my head, my line of sight fixating on his ethereal, dark eyes, and the anticipatory grief flooding my heart. Our relationship was doomed before it began, though I still enjoyed my time with him. (This is why you should put your family plans front and centre on your profile.) He later told me I would be a good mother. I believe him. I’ll be happy for him, too, when he eventually finds the one for him.
- Genuine seekers are upfront about what they want. For example, someone told me he was unsure about me as a prospect but still wanted to sleep with me. I think “unsure” is a poor word choice if we follow the rule that “it’s a no if it’s not a hard yes”, but it remains superior to lying.
- Other characteristics
- They respect your boundaries. If you say no, they accept it, no questions asked.
- They are NOT AFRAID TO SHOW THEIR AFFECTION!!!!!!!!!!!!
- Essentially, genuine seekers are rational machines. If you understand the rules they play by and you mirror them, they will respect you.
Players’ behaviours. AKA red flags to look out for.
- Players are identifiable by their lying. Therefore, their insinuations of love, intended to bait you, do not match their actions.
- It’s a terrible sign if all lines of conversation inescapably turn sexual as the night progresses, in the style of all roads leading to Rome. He’s asking about your body count. He’s asking when you had your first kiss or lost your virginity. Boring shit like that. Correct answer: not your business until right before I sleep with you. Questions that seem out of place, that make your inner goddess tilt her head. It isn’t the right time, and you know it.
- Hot take, but you can kind of tell from the way he touches and looks at you (!).
- Did he hold your hand before he touched your thigh? If he jumped straight to the second, you really only have one decision left to make: whether you want to sleep with him or not. Because he has made the other decision for you: he does not want to date you, and it’s unlikely this will change. One-night stands do not hold your hand. Whether you go home with him, you are leaving without him.
- Your first kiss with him — was it innocent or indulgent? Genuine seekers kiss like the former, while players kiss like the latter. Why? Men interested in you care about your opinion of them, and this desire for approval debilitates them. But players do not care.
- The hunter’s look. You’ll know when you look in their eyes. Players look down at you, chin tilted up ever so slightly (it’s hot though; I’ll give them that). This is the hunter’s look. You win if you can turn that look into one of confusion or admiration. In comparison, a genuine seeker looks at you more affectionately… like how your friends look at you when you laugh.
- On power dynamics. Related to the above, players usually enter thinking they have the upper hand. This is not necessarily an unjustified assumption — they think this way because they have an established record of winning past games. So it’s on you to put them in their place. Once you call them out on their behaviour or act in an unexpected way (e.g. turning down their offer to fuck or publicly shaming them on your blog, HAHAHA), they’ll be neutralised — and you’ll know when it happens. You don’t have to do this with genuine seekers because they will be treating you as an equal in the first place.
- BTW, if their texting behaviour suddenly ceases the day after you sleep with them (regardless of date #), the relationship is over. LOL. There’s no need to ask your friends what they think is going on. You’re hearing the death rattles of a hunt because it is the withdrawal phase. There is nothing much you can do at this point but come to terms with it. Sorry. Get into discard and recovery mode. If you want to avoid this problem, don’t sleep with them (YES THIS IS COMING FROM ME).
*Caveat: I portray players as one-dimensional creatures, but people are not that simple. However, that is beyond the scope of this post. If I think about it more, I might write #5.5 (on players).
On EQ and IQ evaluations
IQ and EQ are pivotal considerations in seeking long-term partners. At the risk of sounding obvious, let me state upfront that people seek smart and emotionally savvy people as partners — this is a fact of human nature — but let me also qualify this.
People tend to attract and ultimately choose others similar in IQ and EQ levels. Relationships with significant discrepancies are unlikely to work out because what is there to build when you fundamentally don’t connect over your ideas or feelings? (So yeah, even though Hollywood likes to romanticise the “opposites attract” concept, it is a myth. One exception to this rule, though, is when one partner is socially dominant and the other is submissive.)
More importantly, I would argue that EQ is more important than IQ (though, of course, they are correlated). The problem is that you can’t tell someone’s emotional intelligence level off the bat from their profile, as opposed to conventional intelligence, which you can infer from their work and education. You have to meet them to know. Or you at least have to text them for a relatively extended period to see how they respond to situations and what you bring to the table.
Characteristics of high EQ people, based on my observations:
- They know how to make someone else feel comfortable around them. They can “read the room”. They are constantly observing and assessing their partner’s cues to infer their emotional state, which they then use to decide the next best action to respond with.
- Your body instinctively recognises when your partner is doing this. It’s the in-sync feeling — when you can’t find a word, and they complete their thoughts for you as if they were inside your head the whole time.
- Remember I said My Man treated my bruises? He was like, oh, don’t scratch your legs! And why do you have so many bruises! Let me apply cream on them for you! Here’s why I was shocked: I was hardly aware of my bruises. Exceptional attention to detail.
- They are excellent with “recovery” situations, i.e. when a conversation is going awry or there is an awkward situation. Again, it is a lot about awareness — because I know your intention, I can play along with it to save us both from embarrassment.
- They remain calm in stressful situations. Because they can reframe a situation and generate solutions quickly. Sign of a high-functioning prefrontal cortex and good emotional regulation.
Contrast with when they lack this awareness. Guy #5, for example, lacked this (sorry I keep dredging this guy up, my sample size is limited and will no longer increase, unfortunately), at least in the few hours I was with him. He could not tell that I did not feel safe around him. And I think it would have been obvious if he was paying attention. I wasn’t physically receptive to his advances, though hell, I was doing my best. If we assume that he wanted to sleep with me, he failed because he mistimed his steps, which in turn was because he couldn’t determine when to do or say what accurately.
Finally, the Rules of Engagement
- Friends first, lovers later. Don’t meet anyone you wouldn’t have as a friend. Your lover is going to be your best friend (potentially for life!).
- Be interested in them and show your affection confidently. Don’t be a wishy-washy person who blows hot and cold. If you wouldn’t like to be hurt, don’t make others suffer for your insecurities. Go away and work on yourself.
- Secure people like honest people. If you tell them what you genuinely feel and think, they’ll be appreciative and reciprocate.
- Similarly, be ready to give your all. This involves intense emotional disclosure when the time is right. You’ll know when. Pay attention to your body and your gut feeling. Don’t share anything that crosses your boundaries, but be willing to step out of your comfort zone.
- I think some of us do not give everything initially because we are afraid of 1) being rejected and 2) seeming desperate (which ultimately leads back to 1 anyway because you are afraid that seeming desperate will lead to rejection). But people who want you will never see your affection as desperation.
- I also understand that everyone is afraid of being vulnerable (myself included) but consider this: if the two of you are going to end up together, wouldn’t they eventually know all your flaws anyway? So be brave: your flaws will be loved by the people who matter because they are what defines you.
- Remember that time is a commodity, especially so for working adults. When someone makes time for you out of their busy schedule, remember that they are giving you a lot of grace. So help them make the best out of it. They will be grateful.
- “Have no expectations” is something I’ve been told repeatedly, but let’s dive deeper. Act like you’ll never see them again, and you’ll be surprised at how many doors open. Recognising the transience of your connection leads to treating others as best as you can, rather than casually or non-committally because you think “we might meet again”.
- Active listening. In short, active listening requires that you be present. That means put your damn phone away and listen to what they have to say. LISTEN without planning to respond. Just pay attention and try to imagine yourself in their shoes. Ask questions to clarify and understand their perspective. Your curiosity will come naturally.
So get out there and have a smashing first date. And if it doesn’t work out? Don’t worry. I’ve got you covered in guide #6, where we’ll discuss how to sever a connection — kindly and maturely.
Until next time, babygirls x
in this series: #1 (#1.5) | #2 | #3 (#3.5) | #4 | #5 (#5.5) | #6 | #7 (#7.5)
baby g’s diary 