in this series: #1 (#1.5) | #2 | #3 (#3.5) | #4 | #5 (#5.5) | #6 | #7 (#7.5)
Did you think it was over? There’s one more, and this is it —
Wait, where’s #5 and #6? I’m writing them as you read this. But we have deadlines to meet, as you will understand.
And… sometimes, you need to know the ending to appreciate the process.
So, in the final post of this series, we tackle the ultimate question:
What happens when you find the one?
— Wait. How would I know?
…
Yeah, guys. You won’t believe, but I met him. Haha!
I wrote before that love is a little like falling asleep. To quote John Green: I fell in love like you would fall asleep: slowly and then all at once. Maybe somewhat faster for me because, after all, I am a hyperoptimiser: I knew he was the one by the end of our first date.
I mean, I did say I wouldn’t settle for anything less.
Silly Disclosures and a Few Lessons, Maybe
Why did I meet him? He likes jazz too. He’s the only one who genuinely wanted to go to a jazz show with me, not for me (observe how we came full circle). I made time for him because I sincerely wanted to connect with someone with the same interest. Wouldn’t it be fun, even if we didn’t work out? And I was right. He did not need to be anything he was not, nor did I.
Why did he “win”? There are a few things, but one turning point was when he held my hand. Huh, that’s it? Yeah. Because hand-holding is an emotionally loaded gesture. Before him, I had never held hands with any of the others outside of a sexual context. Men will tongue-wrestle you, hook their arm around your hips as you walk, or put their hand on your thigh (thinking they’re slick), blagh, but they will not hold your hand unless they’re ready. That’s love in its most intimate form, or so I believe. When he interlaced his fingers with mine, he was opening his heart to me: he was giving himself to me.
And so I did the same because I wanted to, for him.
Another one for kicks: some of my prior dates ended with the men saying I was enigmatic (??) or they were unsure about me (or gave me a hard no, which was superior, to be honest). They always had this distant look in the end… as if they were struggling to imagine how I fit into their future.
With him, though? At one point, I said, “if you’re so good to me, what if I beg you to see me again?”
He replied, without hesitation: “please do just that; I’d love it if you did.”
How did I know? When I fell asleep in his arms, the ocean was quiet: I did not dream. And yes, he felt like home. (The morning after, I wrote geometry.)
So yeah, nappeun yeoja, but this is it, LOL.
Babygirl’s retiring from the game; she’s had her run and received her prize.
My Report Card, for Evaluation’s Sake
- Dating period, where my first date with him marks the end: 1 to 18/7/24; 2 weeks, 4 days (Jazz in July isn’t even over, and we’re going again!)
- Total # men encountered on Hinge: Lost count. LOL. Not important. I did review at least 200 men on Hinge; the night I cleared a backlog of 100+, I downed 18 shots and crawled on the road at some point I can’t recall. (On the bright side, I converted him the same night. And he took care of my bruises after. They’re almost gone!)
- Total # men matched: 54
- Total # converted to Telegram: 17 (i.e. 30% of matched)
- Total # dates (“full conversions”) including with him: 7 — 4 met once, 1 met twice, and then him (i.e. 30% fully converted from Tele). Lucky seven, as he jokes. Lucky me. Can’t wait for the seventh time I see him. (Notice the # of this post in this series? And subtract 18 from today’s date. I love patterns.)
- Kill rate (% of conversions I wanted to sleep with vs actually slept with): 100%, haha. A slut to the close-minded, an undefeated hunter to the players, a divine babygirl to him.
- Total # of men (still) orbiting me: One too many. For their sake, I hope it eventually becomes 0 — either they upgrade to friends or move on with their lives.
- Confidence that he’s the one for me: 99.7% (for now — time will tell).
Epilogue / On Beginnings
We might not work out in the end — life has no guarantees — but I’m committed to making it work. (I mean, if it doesn’t, I’ll just rinse and repeat the cycle. I’ve established quite clearly that it’s effective for me.)
Even if it doesn’t, I know we’ll both grow. I just hope we can make it together.
That’s my promise to him.
(And no, don’t ask me about him. I will not share. I have overshared enough. He’s mine, as I affirmed even before we met. Haha!)
I was looking for love. In the process, I found it in myself. When that happened, he manifested into being for me, as if from a dream.
There might be “better” out there. But what does that mean anyway? To “hyperoptimise”, as was my goal from the beginning, is to find the best solution available given a fixed set of parameters.
We are not looking for perfection; it is unattainable. He isn’t perfect, and neither am I.
But he’s good enough for me as he is, and I’m good enough for him as I am.
And isn’t that what matters in the end?
Finally, to all my dear readers: thank you for being here with me throughout. It really has been magical.
Meeting new people was the best thing that happened to me this year. There’s so much out there, so much to learn, so much to do. There are so many others like myself with their own stories, waiting to be uncovered — waiting to be loved.
Again and again — I hope you find the love you deserve. Be brave! Life will work out for you — it’s only a matter of time.
in this series: #1 (#1.5) | #2 | #3 (#3.5) | #4 | #5 (#5.5) | #6 | #7 (#7.5)
baby g’s diary 