i used to think love needed to be exhilarating and all that. like a joyride. i’d go wild for the ups and downs and i thought that defined an ideal relationship. i’d play games with insecure men, men who had no idea what they wanted and were wasting our time, in an attempt to best them. i believe i always came out on top, but did i really? i didn’t realise then that my actions were, in fact, a reflection of my unmet needs that (even) breaking multiple men’s egos could not address.
don’t get me wrong — i loved breaking them, i regret nothing: i did not know better. i don’t think that belligerent part of me will ever go away; it is a kind of pleasure that cannot be captured in words.
but love isn’t about breaking; it’s about building. it was not real love (whatever that means) that i had with them; it only seemed that way because i loved the thrill — i loved the hunt, because i am a hunter.
instead, what i needed was really serenity — and that’s what i feel with him. we could just sit in silence together, listening to absurd current affairs on the radio. or he could roll down the windows on a morning drive, and i’d just quietly feel the wind brush my face and his hand against mine; he brings the back of my hand to his cheek, and just reminiscing about it makes me sob. i’m perfectly content just being by his side. he’s not something to be hunted or broken; he’s someone to be loved.
even hunters have families to return to.
like the rain washes away all sins, he swept in like a storm and blew the competition out of the water.
the thing about love (in hindsight) is that you don’t know until you know. i had to keep searching in the dark alone, armed only with hope, until i found it. and it comes suddenly, but you’ll know when it’s there. it just is. it’s running home into the warmth of someone’s arms, knowing that they’ve been waiting for you all along, knowing that you belong there.
i found my friends when i least expected it; i found him when i least expected it. and even if he doesn’t stay, even if they don’t stay, they’ll always be branded into my heart.
and so i’m going now, my hands in theirs, their hands in mine.
baby g’s diary 