interregnum

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we are going to cross paths with many, many people in our lifetime. we cannot hold on to all of them, much as we want to. letting go of people and the longing for more with them is an unavoidable fact of being alive that we must reconcile ourselves with eventually. some people, including ourselves from others’ perspective, are meant to only be with us temporarily. that is by design, whether willed by the Creator or the nihilistic cosmos that toys with us.

yet this does not mean you are an interregnum — an intermission or a short distraction from normalcy. you are an experience, a lesson, a force of nature: you are the universe’s manifestation of love. everyone is, even those who hurt us. the only thing we can do is make the best of the present because that’s all we’ll ever have in the end — you imprint their shadow onto your soul so that even when they fade away in time, they’ll always be a part of you. their memory belongs to you now; keep what you like, discard what you don’t.

so when you meet other travellers like yourself who want to stay and grow with you, hold onto them — not enough to lose yourself, but enough so that in the rare chance they want to be bound to you too, both of you will share a bond — a bond that defines what it means to be human.

the no man june logs

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Earlier, the algorithm bestowed upon me a video criticising boy-crazy girls, and it hit me that I’ve been like that recently. In the spirit of self-improvement, I am thus embarking on No Man June — a month-long sabbatical to eliminate any mention of prospective men and the desire for romance in my life.

The aim is not to repress desire but to sublimate it.

Granted, I like to believe that I have a life outside male validation, and I have been assured so by people who matter. Neither do I think that there’s anything wrong with being boy-crazy — to each their own, as long as you don’t intentionally hurt others (?).

Nonetheless, I don’t like spending so much time obsessing over romance and boys. Like, if I were a supporting character in a movie, I might fail the Bechdel test, considering all the time I spend yapping to my fans online and my friends about My Love Lore. (Though let me establish two things: 1) My friends and fans LOVE my adventures and 2) ALL the men came to me first. I only reciprocated if I wanted to, but I can be persuasive in my own ways.)

A secondary aim is to observe how much more I can achieve when I am not bogged down with illusions and trivialities. I have lots of things to do, people to meet, and places to be! ZOU

Hence, effective today:

The Rules

  • #1: No yapping or disclosure about drama with men, old or new. This applies to both public (social media) and private settings (with friends).
  • #2: No references to the desire for romance or romantic love, direct or indirect. As long as the main idea of the post/conversation is about romance, it is considered a violation.

The Consequences: for every instance in which a rule is violated, I will donate $5.

  • $2.50 goes to an organisation in Singapore that I absolutely detest. Iykyk.
  • $2.50 goes to my accountability buddy (to incentivise them to catch me when I slip up).

The Exceptions

  • I can share if I am asked, i.e. somebody else initiates the conversation for me. However, I cannot supplement additional details that go beyond answering the question.
  • Corresponding to rule #2: I can continue to create content in which specific men and my personal desire for love are not the core subjects. This includes things like my lay theory of love logs (maybe except #3.5), which I consider sociological investigations into the phenomenon of dating. Essentially, no anecdotes, but think pieces are fine. (Ah, 75% of my output is going to be decimated…)

Initial Commitments

  • As preparatory work, I have processed and purged the men concerned. If they don’t want me, they don’t deserve access to me! If you were not purged, sorry but you were not significant enough, LOL. I am not paying $5 for this disclosure because it occurred here.

You are welcome to join me OR catch me when I slip up. Let’s have some fun. Stay tuned for updates, babes ❤

affirmations, #2

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a rapid guide to reframing unhelpful beliefs, based on personal experience

INSTEAD OF (unhelpful beliefs):TRY (positive affirmations):
My Prof gave me harsh feedback on my work again. This means I am not good enough, and nothing I do will ever match their expectations.My Prof gave me harsh feedback, but that is because they care about me, and they are committed to seeing me improve. Why expend all that effort on me otherwise? I am grateful for their support. I will do better next time — for them and also for myself.
People I’ve met and cared for keep leaving me. I am not worthy of love.I am worthy of love no matter what; I accept myself for who I am. It’s their loss hee hee! My friends and fans love me. Kiss!
credits to my therapist

now go off and be the captain of your own adventure! i love you x

interloper

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writing this to you on a whim. yes, to you, my dearest, who is reading this post unprompted. i won’t be sharing about this one; i’ll actively bury it, even. because it’s for you.

don’t get me wrong, i love getting views on my posts. after all, what is self-expression without an audience? i did realise recently, however, that all the people i’ve loved before have encountered my blog in one incarnation or another. it existed in different physical forms, but it didn’t matter; the core was the same — all of them were always an extension of me.

it might just have been morbid curiosity on their part, in the same way you cannot take your eyes off an impending crash. nonetheless, i choose to believe they loved me too, in their own way, or better: they might not have wanted to, but they couldn’t help it in the end.

my mind’s running, it always is: i am enraptured by the significance of what it means for me to write and for you to read. between our screens is a whole parallel universe, and all it has is us two. do you understand?

do you ever wonder if i’m writing about you? what do you think i want from you, and what do you want from me?

do you love me, did you love me at all?

if you decided to leave, why am i still writing to you, and why are you still here reading?

do you feel like an interloper yet?

i love you so much; please let me go.

excerpts, #7

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every mistake you’ve made and every wrong you’ve experienced is a learning lesson — it happened so that you could be here, in this moment, as a wiser and stronger person.

it is terrifying to realise that no one owes you anything, i know. on the other hand, you are no longer bound to anyone’s expectations.

maybe liberation was meant to come together with loneliness? nothing in this world comes easy.

forever, #2

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were you under the impression that my love letters were addressed to you? the man i write to does not exist — he is a feeling, an inseparable part of me.

and the men i’ve loved most in my life — i don’t write about them because i don’t have to; they already know everything.

so when we finally meet, when he fully reciprocates, i promise him, now and forever —

you will be my best-kept secret.