gwyn’s guide to hyperoptimised dating, #3.5 (becoming, #3)

gwynethtytLeave a comment

in this series: #1 (#1.5) | #2 | #3 (#3.5) | #4 | #5 (#5.5) | #6 | #7

A dual post because it was only a matter of time before all of what I’ve written would come together. To love and to date is to find yourself, and when you find yourself, you will meet the ones for you.

It’s #3.5 on the hyperoptimised dating series because the content is an extension of #3, which I haven’t yet written. But it will come soon.

These two weeks have been a huge test for me — of my will. I’ve learnt so much so quickly that even my core beliefs have been shaken. Up to this point, I believed I should give my everything in whatever I do, whoever I meet…. but I can see why people are hesitant to do so now. I tried to hyperoptimise the search for love only to find that the thing I could not optimise in the end was myself. We cannot optimise love because it is not meant to be optimised.

Everyone I’ve met tells me I give love too quickly and commit too fully. I don’t agree, but they’re right about the consequences, which are very real.

Nonetheless, I’ve made a few observations that are fascinating to me and that my readers might enjoy.

First: people like to aim for things that are just beyond our reach — it’s pure instinct. But the divine irony of it all is that to be the partner of a person who is “better” than you, you have to be better than yourself so you “deserve” them. I do not believe people “deserve” or do not deserve each other; everyone deserves to be loved. But there are unbreakable rules in life, and this is one of them.

I realised that I’ve always “joked” about finding a rich man because I have been looking for a man to compensate for a part of me that I perceived I lacked. But there is nothing to compensate for. As Cher wisely opined, I don’t need a rich man; I am the rich man. I will become him. When I do, the rest will work it out by itself. Indeed, that is the mentality of the secure men I’ve met — they take their time and are stern with their boundaries because they always want better, better, better.

And why not indeed? I’ve been out for less than a month on Hinge and am already batting like crazy. But not only is it about where you’re at now, it’s about where you’re going. And I will keep growing; in a year, I will be more, and in two years, I will be much more. When you tend to your garden, the butterflies will come. When I become a rich (and hot) man, I won’t need a rich man anymore.

So, ultimately, this is not about men or potential partners I might have. It is about me. It was always about me; it was always about you.

Second and related: if you are serious about finding the one for you, you must first know who you are.

I suspect men are afraid of me. Because I am so intense and seemingly ready to do unhinged shit (it’s only unhinged because they don’t understand) that they realise that they cannot control me — and these men cannot accept a woman they cannot control. I think that’s the crux of it all in a relationship dynamic: it’s all about power. In short, weaker men cannot handle me, and they drop me such that I shatter on the floor. (Most men can’t even handle being told that they’re weak.)

That’s what the men really mean when they tell me I’m “emotionally volatile” or I’m “headstrong” or whatever to that effect. They’re all related. I saw it flash across a prospect’s eyes when we met for the last time as potential partners. I told him about my plans for the future, and he tripped thrice, so much that I asked him if he was doing it for theatrical effect. He did not say it then, but it was already a dealbreaker for him, and maybe he just wanted to see it through to the inevitable end.

This guess of mine will never be fully validated because they will never admit it is so. But I can see it anyway — I see it with the men in my past and the men I’ve met recently. I see it in the way they orbit me. My malicious side wants them to think, in those moments they watch my stories, why are you still here? But hey, since you are, watch me — I’m going to be the girl you could’ve had and will never have again because you didn’t know what you wanted. You were a part of my life and I’m grateful for that — but you were not meant to stay. I’ve done it before, and I’ll do it again.

But it doesn’t matter whether they feel the way I want them to. I might be completely delusional. It doesn’t matter what they feel anyway. They have their own lives and deserve happiness too.

I’ll just not be there to see it.

I am not emotionally volatile. I used to be, maybe. I hurt others; I regret it. And I will make mistakes. I can’t help it if I have thorns on my body that regrow even when I tear them out and I bleed because I didn’t want to hurt others when they came close. I must accept myself for who I am. I can only hope my friends will love me regardless — and I trust that they do. I too accept them for everything that they are.

My emotional intensity is not a weakness; it is quite literally my cardinal trait. People who say I’m volatile do not understand me in the way I understand myself. And I do not have the time to explain myself to them because we have other things to do. Let them think what they want. I will say this though: if I am emotionally volatile, then let the primary emotions I cycle between be joy and awe.

I will be brave, even if I must make it alone.

There are always “better” people out there. But they are not for you. You deserve someone who sees you as you are. When you realistically recognise your place, you’ll know where you want to be.

Will you stay or will you go? That’s up to you.

I have only met one man about whom I was completely sure from the beginning. And the reason was simpler than I had expected — he felt like home, where I was meant to be, as I was. I was so sure about my gut feeling that I’d have given him the reins if he asked. But he told me, as if he saw something in me I did not then, that I was too unstable for him.

And on reflection — indeed, I am. He could not handle me. That’s not on him; it’s not on me. We were just not meant to be. We live, and we learn.

So, as I intended, the man I end up with will be a brat tamer. And he won’t even have to tell me. I will know when we cross paths. He’ll love the challenge, and I’ll give myself fully in return.

We will not “settle for” anyone until I find someone who loves me as intensely and deliberately as I love him. He has to be like me. I am looking for a soulmate. With or without them, I am walking ahead at my own pace. If I don’t get married, hell, so be it; there are more incredible things in life waiting for me.

My priority is not men. It will never be men. It will always be me.

And we are going to live.

two islands

gwynethtytLeave a comment

when i think of love — i think of you and me standing, looking at each other. we are on two islands; there is a chasm between us, a torrid body of water so deep it bleeds into the earth’s core.

i’m dying to reach you: i could jump into the water, and if i’m lucky, i’ll wash ashore on your sands. but i start to wonder: would you do the same for me?

could we meet in the middle?

i return my attention to your eyes; your gaze has softened now. there’s still love in it, i know. but it doesn’t have the edge it did before, that absolute determination to swim or die trying.

you wouldn’t do it for me, would you?

you turn away to another island; i am left looking at you across mine, before i eventually turn too.

men i trust – seven

becoming, #2 (suspiria)

gwynethtytLeave a comment
suspiria (2018) – official trailer

i watched Suspiria earlier on a whim. to be as spoiler-free as possible (the movie was a LOT), it is essentially about a witch coming into being — in the sense that she became who she was meant to be.

it was a masterpiece. in its post-credits scene, she looks beyond the screen and subtly smiles as if she recognises something monumental has happened; she is at peace with it; something greater is coming, and she is ready.

hyperbole perhaps, but something about this film fundamentally altered my brain chemistry. the witch is… powerful, devastatingly so when attuned to her purpose, but merciful and forgiving at the same time. she is a mother; she is everything a woman would want to be.

it hit me hard because i’ve only begun to realise that there is, in fact, something powerful within me. but now that i’ve discovered it — the only thing left to do is be who i really am, as i am. but if you are to be truly yourself you have to let go of everything that you thought you loved and wanted to love.

but it’s such a herculean process — it hurts so much, my god, does it hurt — and the suffering doesn’t even abate with time. you have to do it over and over, discarding things that don’t serve you, armed only with the belief that your suffering now will eventually serve a grander purpose. not that they’re not beautiful and precious — they just were not made for you.

do you understand? — i always ask the ones i love.

but does it matter?

as much as i want to be connected with everyone else, this life was for me.

life was a lot easier when i was not aware. i was walking blind and letting others lead my way. but now that i know exactly what i want — i have to chart the path on my own.

someone once told me that life is like swimming across the sea; the English Channel is an example, if you will. you must swim across or drown trying. and you’ll have people along the way with you; if you’re lucky, you’ll find a partner to support you. but if both of you are to make it across, you have to know how to swim without the other.

and if you have to rely on your partner to make it across, you will not only drown: you will kill them too.

i used to think — only three weeks ago, actually — that i needed someone to complete me. but i understand now, as our protagonist did:

i am whole on my own, as i am.

on volatility

gwynethtytLeave a comment

one final, final thought before i go (i promise): i get feedback from many prospective men that i am emotionally volatile.

but what the hell does that mean?

yes, i do feel everything intensely, and i love like hell. that’s just in my nature. what is (immeasurable) joy without (immeasurable) sorrow? if i was not like this, i would not be able to love you the way i do. and yes, it makes me special — i would never give it up for anything, not even the one for me.

but have i ever been unkind to those i love? have i ever taken it out on them? i’ve been nothing but kind and open, even to men who didn’t want me, hell, even to men who have wronged me times over. so why do they act like it’s a potential burden — like my intensity is baggage they’re not ready to carry? don’t get me wrong, i’m not angry — i’m just genuinely baffled.

yet i still understand in a doublethink way that i can be a lot for the people around me. so if it’s ever too much for you, just mute me and only return when you’re ready. i will always be in turmoil; it is what defines me. and you can choose to be here or not; i won’t fault you regardless.

and i think that’s the solution to me as an enigma, a social construct that others have pigeonholed me against my will — the man who carefully dismantles the puzzle, only to realise that it was a glass onion all along, is the one i will marry.

gwyn’s guide to hyperoptimised dating, #2 (he’s just not that into you)

gwynethtytLeave a comment

in this series: #1 (#1.5) | #2 | #3 (#3.5) | #4 | #5 (#5.5) | #6 | #7 (#7.5)

i am cursed to be a woman; i am cursed to feel. the problem is that i struggle to determine who really wants me for who i am before i fall. elite men or otherwise, it is undeniable that i am only a body to some of them. i fear the proportion is higher than i wish it is. […]

but my femininity is not a weakness, it is a strength.

to my friends, and for my fans now

Welcome back to Gwyn’s Guide to Hyperoptimised Dating, where dating (and love) is a numbers game — and we hack it to hell.

Oh, following feedback from a fan yesterday on post #1 (sex and love), I wanted to take this space to add something before we proceed. They raised a good point that some men need time to get to know you better before they decide if you’re the one for them. If you bypass the pre-sex courtship, then, it is likelier that the man might develop feelings for you and get “sucked in” (verbatim quote, poor men!). Therefore, you lose the bucket of fence-sitters if you sleep with them early on.

It’s a fair point and I don’t disagree. My answer is that this boils down to personal preference: are you willing to give the fence-sitters a chance? I’ve met men who knew I was the one for them — at least, at that point — from the first time we met, and they were willing to show me from the start. Do I want to settle for anything less? I don’t think so.

In Part 2, on special request by a sweetheart, we will discuss signs of interest and when to disqualify.

I hope the psychopaths who want me don’t read this, or I have to wrack my brain to discover new and innovative ways to determine if men are interested in me (beyond my body). GOD!

I would say it all boils down to a gut feeling, but I thought that one of them I met was the one and that went down the drain real quick. So out with the vibes, out with the delusions, babygirls. At least I caught myself instantly this time — clearly, the compartmentalisation practice is working out.

We look only at actions hereon.

What’s in a Date?

With shock and surprise, I realised retroactively that men (and women) who are genuinely interested in you will want to partake in your hobbies. Groundbreaking indeed.

mrw

As you all know, it’s Jazz in July, and I initially began only intending to find cute boys to go to jazz concerts with (before I got sidetracked by hot men… thank you, Jesus…).

There were, broadly speaking, only two types of responses I received:

  1. I don’t know much about jazz, but I’d love to try if you’re willing to have me 🙂
  2. I don’t like jazz; can we do something else?

How interesting, right? Now, you can argue that the second type of man simply knows what he wants. That’s okay. I love men who are honest and have opinions. However, note that there is less acquiescence on his part compared to the first response type. If you bring it to the logical maximum it suggests that he is less interested in what you like as opposed to what he likes.

It is not about what we actually do. It is about how we get there.

Still, one date is poor sample sizing; there is nothing to interpolate from. Yet we must do our best because we are hyperoptimising.

Hence, we look at what we do on the second date (if there is one).

When planning the date together, did they ask what you’d like to do? Are they at least suggesting things that meet in the middle for both of you?

During the date, are they asking about you? What do you like, babygirl? What do you want in life? Where are you going? What are your fears? What do you look for in a partner? …How can I love you in the best way I can?

Or are they talking about themselves incessantly?

Texting, Yapping, Quality Time, Whatever You Like

Again, being kind and giving the benefit of the doubt, a relationship is meant to be founded on compromises. One guy mentioned we could go to a jazz bar, which was nice enough of him.

Unfortunately, he proceeded to text me remarkably inconsistently, so I figured he liked someone else more, dropped him, and bumped up my next favourite (possibly one of my top 10 decisions this year). It’s a pity (I exaggerate) because his face card was fantastic, but more importantly, I knew he could love — he still has pictures of his ex from years ago on his Instagram! (He orbits me, by the way. If you’re here, hi.)

The above is an example of a universal truth. If they wanted you, they would text you. NOBODY IS THAT BUSY THAT THEY CANNOT TEXT YOU. DO NOT MAKE EXCUSES FOR THEM! Additionally, the critical element distinguishing an excellent communicator (look out for it) is that if they were really busy, they would take the initiative to explain why. An exemplar:

Hey babygirl, I’m so sorry for my delayed responses as I’ve been swamped with work. Still, please feel free to text me whenever, and I’ll do my best to get back to you whenever I can. Love you lots x

It really is that simple. If you don’t have the physical bandwidth to write that, then bloody hell, just copy the text above and send it to the person you care about. My god! Do I have to say this!

People who love you will always set aside time for you.

They will not ghost you. I hate that term; I hate them all. I was so ready to love you for who you are, and this is what you thought I deserved in return. Not even an explanation, but nothing at all. It’s fine though — as the Stoics say, we are entitled to nothing from other people; to have expectations of others is futile. To give yourself to someone fully, you must expect nothing in return. And we must let go; we must return things as they are to make room for more, for better.

Your room has limited space. Do not give chances to people who do not cherish your attention. In the game of hyperoptimised dating, you only have one shot, and you’d better make the best of it.

So, love boils down to a war of attrition, I guess. He who persists wins.

Don’t turn around and change your mind; we don’t have time for that.

me yelling at me to RESPECT MYSELF

Sigh. I have once again written too much. But here’s the devastating kicker: if they liked you, you wouldn’t need to worry about these at all.

They would do all of it in the first place because you’re worth it to them.

And that’s what makes me sad.

Bonus: A Love Letter to My Orbiters

If you didn’t know, orbiters are people who do not reply your texts but watch your stories anyway. I categorise them into two types: malicious or stupid orbiters. But that’s a discussion for another time.

Processing orbiters is as easy as 123. If they can watch your stories, they have time to text you. Therefore, if they do not text you, they are just not that into you. Thank you. Mute their stories and go and talk to someone else who will be happy for your love and attention. But I’m not complaining; the orbiter class of men is my guilty pleasure (I mute orbiters who matter to me from watching my stories). Ultimately, every orbiter is a fan, and I adore my fans.

But that’s all you’ll ever be. If you’re happy with that, I’ll be happy for you too.

P/S: I’m not a saint. I make mistakes too. I yap too much, and I’m too emotionally volatile (apparently). Sometimes I inadvertently hurt people. So if you want something from me, tell me, babygirl, tell me now.

I’ll give it to you, because you’re worth it.

And so we end, before I go:

i’ll find a life partner eventually. but the love of my life — it’s me. and it’s you guys, my friends, who accept me completely as i am.

to my friends, and for my fans now (cont.)

Love you lots, always. x

in this series: #1 (#1.5) | #2 | #3 (#3.5) | #4 | #5 (#5.5) | #6 | #7 (#7.5)

interregnum, #3 (the lovesick logs)

gwynethtytLeave a comment

i used to be obsessed with this guy; i dreamt about him for years. even as he hurt me, over and over, vengefully because i had hurt him too, i clung to the idea of him, desperate for his love. i was willing to drop everything for him if only he would ask, if only he wanted me the way i wanted him so completely. the day i gave up on him for good when he told me i was too much for him. i guess i needed that closure, and at least i found it.

the thing is, i found myself loving again. and the next one was better, or so i thought. and then i fell out of love. and then i fell again, for — you won’t believe this — an even better one. because i was growing and i was becoming. and i will keep doing so, with or without them.

granted, with the current one, i think i’ve never felt so instantly sure before. but love has an insidious way of short-circuiting your brain making you blind to your past, your future, and even your present.

i’ve been thinking: i think many of us have a conception of love as a shared object. it is something given, but it has to be received to be complete. but i’m starting to wonder if it’s even simpler. maybe love is something that is merely given. it is not about what we have; it is not what you think about me. it is only about what i have to give you, because i wanted to, not because i wanted something in return.

and so love is not a game of deservedness — it is a game of appreciation. and so we keep going as much as we can. to love again and again, until we find someone who will accept us completely, as we are, as we will be.

to my dearest, #2

gwynethtytLeave a comment

there’s a big win in here somewhere — in working on my thesis i’ve realised what i really want to do in life (spoiler: it’s not academia). i clearly have a knack for socialising, being myself online, and writing whatever i like. i find myself coming back, over and over, to these things as my refuge. and though that’s not why i’m doing it in the first place, the more intensely i give myself, the more i have received in return.

so, thank you to my beloved for being here. i want you to know that you will be in my acknowledgements and my heart always. my universe, mine.

gwyn’s guide to hyperoptimised dating, #1 (sex and love)

gwynethtytLeave a comment

in this series: #1 (#1.5) | #2 | #3 (#3.5) | #4 | #5 (#5.5) | #6 | #7 (#7.5)

Alternate title: Hoe Justifications for Divine Babygirls

Dear fans. Welcome to Gwyn’s Guide to Hyperoptimised Dating, where dating (and love) is a numbers game — and we hack it to hell.

Caveat emptor: I write referring to heterosexual monogamous relationships because that’s all I’ve been exposed to, though there are some universal truths for sure — I just don’t know which ones. The gay or queer subculture might run on a different rule system. Everything is personal speculation backed up by anecdotal observations only. (But I think I’m pretty good at what I do, or at least I enjoy thinking about this topic a lot.)

In the first part of this ongoing series (it’s gonna be so fun!), we start with love and sex.

If you want to beat men in their game, you must play according to their rules and turn it against them. Know thy enemy and win the war, my babygirls.

On Sex and Love

The first man I met (hi, gang member) told me sagely:

Men do not sleep with women they are interested in on the first date.

I agree with this, maybe, but I have something to say about it. So, let’s break it down.

Men are better able to separate sex from love than women, in general. By and large (but not always), women sleep with men they would like to commit to.

Conversely, men can sleep with any woman as long as they find her sexually attractive — their desire to commit is irrelevant. Another man told me something along the lines of “I’m not really sure about you… so if you don’t want to sleep with me, it’s fine; I don’t want to confuse you emotionally”. I was impressed, but there’s something bigger at play here: (secure) men know the significance of sex to a woman. No knowledge and emotional intelligence in the world, however, will stop them from wanting to sleep with you anyway.

This is not to say that ALL men are merely raging boners or sex-driven machines where love is always a means to an end for them. Love is always an end in itself (but so is sex). Even the most jaded of men want love, and if they genuinely love a woman, they cannot disentangle sex from love — you can’t fight evolutionary instinct. Some men, albeit proportionally less than women, do not enjoy casual sex (one of my pet hypotheses: they’re usually vanilla on the BDSM test, which you should totally do). But the elite players are very good at compartmentalising the two.

Anyhoo, the law of large numbers outcome is that overall, women who sleep with men tend to be more emotionally invested in a potential relationship that the men do not necessarily reciprocate.

Strategy Time

There are two strategies to resolve this inherent problem of gendered expectations. I posit that Strategy #2 is more efficient and maximalist, but only if you’re willing to go all out AND do the emotional work. In summary, it’s because you’ll know a lot faster whether he actually likes you for who you are beyond your sex appeal. And you get to enjoy the devil’s tango, of course, god bless us all.

  • STRATEGY #1: Do not sleep with a man you like until you’re absolutely certain he wants you. This is the default strategy for most women. This means you have sex only after some period of “sexual tension courtship”, which can be however long you want. Some people determine the event that marks the end of this phase as marriage. (Minor digression: this concept of no sex before marriage is anathema to me, like if you attacked a devil with a cross. What if, on your first night, you realise the two of you are sexually incompatible in bed??? You are now legally bound sexually to this person!!! Wait — is that an argument that I hear — that you can find out by doing everything else aside from actual intercourse? Hahahaha… do I have news for you, babygirl…)
  • STRATEGY #2: Sleep with a man you like before knowing whether he wants you as a person or not. Discard whatever he says he feels about you. It does not matter; you do not care. This means that the “sexual tension courtship” period is virtually eliminated.

So why is Strategy #2 superior? Let us begin. You will never know for sure if a man wants you until you sleep with him. They can do their best to pretend otherwise, but sex generally is important to men unless they fall into the niche subcategory of men who have convinced themselves it’s a sacred thing (I can’t comment more as I am allergic to them, but good for their wives, I guess). In short, men want sex.

But the corollary is actually the critical element: when you sleep with a man, you are eliminating the doubt that he wants you only for your body. Because if he stays with you after he’s gotten what he wanted — you can be certain that he sees you as something more.

By way of a concrete example: let’s say you have hot twins, Amy and Betty. Amy subscribes to Strategy #1 and Betty subscribes to Strategy #2. Both of them have 100 suitors, 50% of which are only out for sex and the remaining 50% out for love (and sex). Over the same period of time, Betty will suss out the 50% out for love a lot faster than Amy can because the latter has to spend time engaging in the motions of pre-sex courtship. And now that Betty knows who actually likes her for who she is, it’s easier for her to find the One. And she gets great sex once in a while. (Second digression: to be good at sex, which is never a disadvantage in conquering men, you must have a lot of sex.)

If, like me, you subscribe to Strategy #2, the benefits are great, but so are the emotional ups and downs. Like I said, it’s all hyperoptimised — dating on hyperdrive. You have sex earlier, determine their real intentions earlier, and eliminate potential prospects faster; in other words, the refractory period is shorter, haha. But two things remain unchanged: the amount of love you give and the inevitable emotional turmoil that comes with a severed connection. It’s going to hurt, and it’s going to hurt often. It boils down to whether you believe the frequency of emotional turmoil is worth it. I believe it is — if it means I’ll find the one for me earlier, so I have more time to spend with him for the rest of my life. As they say, you can’t achieve great things without risk. (And yes, I am very serious — I have eliminated a man in three days and am on track to dropping another one by tomorrow night.)

A final note on sex: do what you like la. But my rationale is that a steak can look amazing when presented to you, but you’ll never know how it tastes until you’ve chomped on it. And in life, we don’t go to restaurants to stare at steak. But of course, you have to like steak in the first place, which (1) you’ll never know unless you try, and (2) by the way, many people enjoy steak — haha!

As always, may you find the love you deserve. There’s someone out there for you, whether you have sex with them before marriage or not. LOL

Some ideas for subsequent posts (feel free to recommend)

Come on, let’s go!

in this series: #1 (#1.5) | #2 | #3 (#3.5) | #4 | #5 (#5.5) | #6 | #7 (#7.5)

becoming

gwynethtytLeave a comment

i haven’t considered this in a long time, but i just caught myself wondering — am i not good enough? nobody i’ve met tells me so; they tell me i’m exceptional, in fact — but i feel like i’m constantly on the verge of tears. all of this is a lot — as I read in a poem, how could anyone hold all of it and not melt?

but i forgive myself for all my weaknesses — i will not linger; i will learn, i will become.