baby g’s diary

gwyn’s guide to hyperoptimised dating, #5 (rules of engagement)

1st Aug 20241st Oct 2024 gwynethtytLeave a comment

in this series: #1 (#1.5) | #2 | #3 (#3.5) | #4 | #5 (#5.5) | #6 | #7 (#7.5)

Hi. How has your love quest been? Good, I hope, with my wonderful guides. LOL

Today, we detail Gwyn’s rules of engagement, namely how to (1) decide who to convert from texting to in-person meets and (2) suss out the ones suitable for you from your meetups.

Before we begin, I have a little silly activity for you. It ostensibly helps you to determine how many people you should meet given some rules you set for yourself.

How Many People Should I Date? (365!?)

Before my time on Hinge, while doing the important preparatory work, I found this hilarious calculator which calculates (using math) how many dates you need to go on to find an ideal partner. Please try it and log your stats so you can look back and laugh at yourself like I did.

It is based upon the optimal stopping rule, which advises that you spend the first 37% of your dating period evaluating potential partners (“data-gathering phase” to, well, figure out what you want) before committing to the next person who surpasses all previous ones.

Here were my stats:

if I’m willing to go on 3-4 dates a week (yah I was crazy, it’s not feasible in the long-run)
and want to find an ideal partner within 2 years (haha, 2 weeks [snorts])
settling with the best possible partner
with chances of rejection being 10% (yah I was optimistic I admit. 50% is realistic)

I need to go on 132 dates and let them go no matter what. Then I’ll have a 34.6% chance of finding The One from the total pool of 365 dates.

Insert a massive “your mileage may vary” comment here because this is a rational solution to an emotional problem. Logic is annihilated in the face of emotion. When I met my man, I was so sure about him that I dropped all future prospects immediately. If anything, it could guide estimating how many people you could meet given the effort you’re willing to put in. Aside from that, it’s just for fun.

Anyway, it’s time to YAP.

The Texting Stage, Our Infamous Friend

We assume you have converted a lucky few from dating app to text platform based on your initial impressions. So, we move into the next gear — ahhhh, so exciting!!!

Text Away to Prune, You Must

Don’t be afraid to double-text in moderation. It indicates interest, and if they liked you back, they wouldn’t see you as desperate. And it’s good grounds for elimination. I used the three-strike rule: you’re out if I double-text you more than twice. The third one is a parting message (see guide #6), and no take backsies~ (so it takes only 72 hours to DQ a prospect, wink). Remember: there are no bad texters. There are only texters who don’t like you enough.

Every single text should represent your authentic self. Skip the formalities. Speak like you would speak to your friends. Be polite, of course, but not to the point of being overly reserved. Be respectful but not detached. Send stickers and hearts. Be a little bit careless. It’s not a work interview — we’re here to have fun. Live laugh LJ, OK?

Know when to share what — match their level of reciprocity, but always give a bit more to keep the conversation going. And then more, more, more, until you burrow yourself into their hearts and leave your indelible mark. Your love is not a crime.

Use your gut feeling to decide what’s right. DO NOT trauma dump until you’ve met; sudden excessive disclosure is a turn-off.

People who like you do two things beyond bantering: (1) send you telebubbles of themselves and (2) tell you about their day without you asking. But this does not mean they (will) love you; it could very well be love-bombing behaviour. I remember the fun calls I had with Captain, who did not love me in return.

Eeny, Meeny, Miny, Moe, Who Shall We Meet Next (“Full Conversions”)

Meet only those you have established rapport with.

Don’t jump the gun no matter how high-value they seem (if you missed it, read the story featuring Guy #5; that was a bop). If you’re direct, just say you’d like to get to know them better before scheduling a date. If you prefer to be indirect, say you’re booked until next week. If you’re a woman, do not explain your schedule. If you’re a man, explain if you want brownie points. Ultimately, both parties will set aside time for each other if they are keen on meeting, which is natural if you have built a bond via texting.

OK I will admit I only spoke to My Man for 4 days before meeting him. BUT he is a special case (obviously) for two reasons. First, we had a common interest (jazz), which was a good enough reason to meet in itself. Second, I sensed from the start that he was a decent guy. He was polite, responsive, and showed initiative consistently. I was so certain about my judgement that I considered giving him a kiss by the end of the date before the date began. Yes, I’m crazy. And yes, of course I was right.

Rostering

To have a roster is to juggle multiple prospects at once, at least on a texting basis. I don’t know how common this is, but I suspect everyone does it to some extent. My roster had 3-5 serious considerations at any one time. And all the men I met were rostering. So there’s nothing to feel insecure or threatened about since everyone does it. Rather, your goal should be to climb to the top of that list (no compliment matches being told that “you’re #1 right now”, LOL. I’d better be!)

Funny one: high-value men do not just roster, they sometimes even deconflict. I matched two men who I discovered later were literal besties. They had an internal agreement on who would get me (although I had a say insofar as I only replied the one I liked more)!!! What is the world coming to!!!

Even discussing your rosters can make for a fun meta ice-breaker. A handsome guy asked me about mine, and I told him oh, you’re #2 because I haven’t talked to you much. He sweetly informed me in turn that I was #3 for a similar reason — because he had met someone else earlier than me, so they had a time advantage. But how long you’ve known someone is not predictive of how intense the connection will be; rather, it is the quality of your conversations.

Also, you’ll never know how intense the connection really is until you meet them. (My Man was not #1 in the texting phase. I then met him and decided he was #1 for the foreseeable future.)

First Dates!!! ❤

Dates as Marriage Interviews… or Not

When someone from a dating app agrees to meet you, they are looking out for three things you can potentially provide them.

Love, of which there are two subcategories:
- 1a. Romantic love
- 1b. Friendship
Sex
Financial benefit / a free meal (rare, included only for comprehensiveness; if you do this, you’re silly)

Gender differences

Men are always 2, and sometimes 1a&2.
- Men sometimes want love.
- But my guess is that men always want sex. In the sense that, even if he does not initiate any sexual contact, he will always welcome it if you offer. Let me say it again — always.
Women are generally 1a, and sometimes 1a&2.
- Women can be looking for sex, too.
- But we assume that a majority of women are primarily looking for love on the basis that they cannot compartmentalise sex and love as cleanly as men can.
3 is a Shiny Pokémon that operates on rules from a bizarre universe. They are not dating to find love. They are looking to sell insurance (both men and women) or eat out for free (typically women). If you have the misfortune to meet someone like this, end the date ASAP.

Extrapolating from the points above we can identify subtypes of daters based on their intentions (which, interestingly, aligns somewhat with Hinge’s dating preferences).

Dater subtypes

Genuinely seeking a partner (1a&2). This person’s primary goal is to determine if you will be a good long-term partner for them. Sex is a bonus but a secondary afterthought.
- The friendzoner (1b). A special breed. Basically, they go to meetups intending to build a connection with no possibility of romance. Friendship could also be an outcome of marriage interview failure — a coup de grâce — if 1a (love) doesn’t work out, but they still find their partner interesting as a person.
Players (only 2). Another special breed and the most interesting of them all. Typically men. They are not interested in seeking love with you — they only want sex*. What distinguishes this category of daters is their strategy: they masquerade as the genuinely seeking type, but this is only a ploy to get you in bed. In other words, they prey on the female weakness in conflating love and sex to get the latter.
Clowns (only 3). More likely to be women than men due to social norms.

The differentiation is important because their behaviours will differ if you observe closely.

3 is obviously the easiest to tell. Out of nowhere, they ask you about your financial goals. We move on.

What we care about is how to separate a player from a genuine seeker.

Differentiating genuine seekers and players

Genuine seekers’ behaviours. My pet name for them is “secure (wo)men”.

One thing I’ve noticed about men who are (really) looking for long-term relationships is that they cut to the chase. They talk about preferences and deal-breakers early. They help you decide in a collaborative manner — they do not lead you on, they do not play games.
- One date (I will always have a soft spot for him because he was so kind to me) saw the way I looked at two kids walking by — and he immediately mentioned he didn’t want kids. This was half an hour into our first and only date. I remember turning my head, my line of sight fixating on his ethereal, dark eyes, and the anticipatory grief flooding my heart. Our relationship was doomed before it began, though I still enjoyed my time with him. (This is why you should put your family plans front and centre on your profile.) He later told me I would be a good mother. I believe him. I’ll be happy for him, too, when he eventually finds the one for him.
Genuine seekers are upfront about what they want. For example, someone told me he was unsure about me as a prospect but still wanted to sleep with me. I think “unsure” is a poor word choice if we follow the rule that “it’s a no if it’s not a hard yes”, but it remains superior to lying.
Other characteristics
- They respect your boundaries. If you say no, they accept it, no questions asked.
- They are NOT AFRAID TO SHOW THEIR AFFECTION!!!!!!!!!!!!
Essentially, genuine seekers are rational machines. If you understand the rules they play by and you mirror them, they will respect you.

Players’ behaviours. AKA red flags to look out for.

Players are identifiable by their lying. Therefore, their insinuations of love, intended to bait you, do not match their actions.
It’s a terrible sign if all lines of conversation inescapably turn sexual as the night progresses, in the style of all roads leading to Rome. He’s asking about your body count. He’s asking when you had your first kiss or lost your virginity. Boring shit like that. Correct answer: not your business until right before I sleep with you. Questions that seem out of place, that make your inner goddess tilt her head. It isn’t the right time, and you know it.
Hot take, but you can kind of tell from the way he touches and looks at you (!).
- Did he hold your hand before he touched your thigh? If he jumped straight to the second, you really only have one decision left to make: whether you want to sleep with him or not. Because he has made the other decision for you: he does not want to date you, and it’s unlikely this will change. One-night stands do not hold your hand. Whether you go home with him, you are leaving without him.
- Your first kiss with him — was it innocent or indulgent? Genuine seekers kiss like the former, while players kiss like the latter. Why? Men interested in you care about your opinion of them, and this desire for approval debilitates them. But players do not care.
- The hunter’s look. You’ll know when you look in their eyes. Players look down at you, chin tilted up ever so slightly (it’s hot though; I’ll give them that). This is the hunter’s look. You win if you can turn that look into one of confusion or admiration. In comparison, a genuine seeker looks at you more affectionately… like how your friends look at you when you laugh.
- On power dynamics. Related to the above, players usually enter thinking they have the upper hand. This is not necessarily an unjustified assumption — they think this way because they have an established record of winning past games. So it’s on you to put them in their place. Once you call them out on their behaviour or act in an unexpected way (e.g. turning down their offer to fuck or publicly shaming them on your blog, HAHAHA), they’ll be neutralised — and you’ll know when it happens. You don’t have to do this with genuine seekers because they will be treating you as an equal in the first place.
BTW, if their texting behaviour suddenly ceases the day after you sleep with them (regardless of date #), the relationship is over. LOL. There’s no need to ask your friends what they think is going on. You’re hearing the death rattles of a hunt because it is the withdrawal phase. There is nothing much you can do at this point but come to terms with it. Sorry. Get into discard and recovery mode. If you want to avoid this problem, don’t sleep with them (YES THIS IS COMING FROM ME).

*Caveat: I portray players as one-dimensional creatures, but people are not that simple. However, that is beyond the scope of this post. If I think about it more, I might write #5.5 (on players).

On EQ and IQ evaluations

IQ and EQ are pivotal considerations in seeking long-term partners. At the risk of sounding obvious, let me state upfront that people seek smart and emotionally savvy people as partners — this is a fact of human nature — but let me also qualify this.

People tend to attract and ultimately choose others similar in IQ and EQ levels. Relationships with significant discrepancies are unlikely to work out because what is there to build when you fundamentally don’t connect over your ideas or feelings? (So yeah, even though Hollywood likes to romanticise the “opposites attract” concept, it is a myth. One exception to this rule, though, is when one partner is socially dominant and the other is submissive.)

More importantly, I would argue that EQ is more important than IQ (though, of course, they are correlated). The problem is that you can’t tell someone’s emotional intelligence level off the bat from their profile, as opposed to conventional intelligence, which you can infer from their work and education. You have to meet them to know. Or you at least have to text them for a relatively extended period to see how they respond to situations and what you bring to the table.

Characteristics of high EQ people, based on my observations:

They know how to make someone else feel comfortable around them. They can “read the room”. They are constantly observing and assessing their partner’s cues to infer their emotional state, which they then use to decide the next best action to respond with.
- Your body instinctively recognises when your partner is doing this. It’s the in-sync feeling — when you can’t find a word, and they complete their thoughts for you as if they were inside your head the whole time.
- Remember I said My Man treated my bruises? He was like, oh, don’t scratch your legs! And why do you have so many bruises! Let me apply cream on them for you! Here’s why I was shocked: I was hardly aware of my bruises. Exceptional attention to detail.
They are excellent with “recovery” situations, i.e. when a conversation is going awry or there is an awkward situation. Again, it is a lot about awareness — because I know your intention, I can play along with it to save us both from embarrassment.
They remain calm in stressful situations. Because they can reframe a situation and generate solutions quickly. Sign of a high-functioning prefrontal cortex and good emotional regulation.

Contrast with when they lack this awareness. Guy #5, for example, lacked this (sorry I keep dredging this guy up, my sample size is limited and will no longer increase, unfortunately), at least in the few hours I was with him. He could not tell that I did not feel safe around him. And I think it would have been obvious if he was paying attention. I wasn’t physically receptive to his advances, though hell, I was doing my best. If we assume that he wanted to sleep with me, he failed because he mistimed his steps, which in turn was because he couldn’t determine when to do or say what accurately.

Finally, the Rules of Engagement

Friends first, lovers later. Don’t meet anyone you wouldn’t have as a friend. Your lover is going to be your best friend (potentially for life!).
Be interested in them and show your affection confidently. Don’t be a wishy-washy person who blows hot and cold. If you wouldn’t like to be hurt, don’t make others suffer for your insecurities. Go away and work on yourself.
- Secure people like honest people. If you tell them what you genuinely feel and think, they’ll be appreciative and reciprocate.
Similarly, be ready to give your all. This involves intense emotional disclosure when the time is right. You’ll know when. Pay attention to your body and your gut feeling. Don’t share anything that crosses your boundaries, but be willing to step out of your comfort zone.
- I think some of us do not give everything initially because we are afraid of 1) being rejected and 2) seeming desperate (which ultimately leads back to 1 anyway because you are afraid that seeming desperate will lead to rejection). But people who want you will never see your affection as desperation.
- I also understand that everyone is afraid of being vulnerable (myself included) but consider this: if the two of you are going to end up together, wouldn’t they eventually know all your flaws anyway? So be brave: your flaws will be loved by the people who matter because they are what defines you.
Remember that time is a commodity, especially so for working adults. When someone makes time for you out of their busy schedule, remember that they are giving you a lot of grace. So help them make the best out of it. They will be grateful.
“Have no expectations” is something I’ve been told repeatedly, but let’s dive deeper. Act like you’ll never see them again, and you’ll be surprised at how many doors open. Recognising the transience of your connection leads to treating others as best as you can, rather than casually or non-committally because you think “we might meet again”.
Active listening. In short, active listening requires that you be present. That means put your damn phone away and listen to what they have to say. LISTEN without planning to respond. Just pay attention and try to imagine yourself in their shoes. Ask questions to clarify and understand their perspective. Your curiosity will come naturally.

So get out there and have a smashing first date. And if it doesn’t work out? Don’t worry. I’ve got you covered in guide #6, where we’ll discuss how to sever a connection — kindly and maturely.

Until next time, babygirls x

in this series: #1 (#1.5) | #2 | #3 (#3.5) | #4 | #5 (#5.5) | #6 | #7 (#7.5)

excerpts, #10 (serenity)

31st Jul 20243rd Sep 2024 gwynethtytLeave a comment

i used to think love needed to be exhilarating and all that. like a joyride. i’d go wild for the ups and downs and i thought that defined an ideal relationship. i’d play games with insecure men, men who had no idea what they wanted and were wasting our time, in an attempt to best them. i believe i always came out on top, but did i really? i didn’t realise then that my actions were, in fact, a reflection of my unmet needs that (even) breaking multiple men’s egos could not address.

don’t get me wrong — i loved breaking them, i regret nothing: i did not know better. i don’t think that belligerent part of me will ever go away; it is a kind of pleasure that cannot be captured in words.

but love isn’t about breaking; it’s about building. it was not real love (whatever that means) that i had with them; it only seemed that way because i loved the thrill — i loved the hunt, because i am a hunter.

instead, what i needed was really serenity — and that’s what i feel with him. we could just sit in silence together, listening to absurd current affairs on the radio. or he could roll down the windows on a morning drive, and i’d just quietly feel the wind brush my face and his hand against mine; he brings the back of my hand to his cheek, and just reminiscing about it makes me sob. i’m perfectly content just being by his side. he’s not something to be hunted or broken; he’s someone to be loved.

even hunters have families to return to.

like the rain washes away all sins, he swept in like a storm and blew the competition out of the water.

the thing about love (in hindsight) is that you don’t know until you know. i had to keep searching in the dark alone, armed only with hope, until i found it. and it comes suddenly, but you’ll know when it’s there. it just is. it’s running home into the warmth of someone’s arms, knowing that they’ve been waiting for you all along, knowing that you belong there.

i found my friends when i least expected it; i found him when i least expected it. and even if he doesn’t stay, even if they don’t stay, they’ll always be branded into my heart.

and so i’m going now, my hands in theirs, their hands in mine.

to my orbiters

29th Jul 202431st Jul 2024 gwynethtytLeave a comment

I have a complicated relationship with my orbiters. Their distinguishing feature is that they are men with whom I have been emotionally entangled, who watch my stories but who do not otherwise have any contact with me by their choice. They could DM or text me — I don’t block men I don’t care for — but they do not. I do not consider them friends. Maybe fans, or a little less, because placing them in the same category as my darling fans would be insulting to the latter. Either way, they are a special class of men because I pay much attention to them.

I maintain a level of detachment from them for the sake of my well-being but, nonetheless, am drawn to them like a moth to fire. I am endlessly fascinated by their behaviour as an object of study; I stay transfixed because they are like a puzzle whose pieces are constantly transmogrifying.

As we have clearly established, I love to read too much into human behaviour — it’s an occupational hazard. And I think orbiting behaviour is particularly revealing of desire due to its nature.

Orbiting in the form of story-watching behaviour is a two-way street, at least with insane girls like me. Again, men (and women) are deliberate in their actions. My friends say “maybe he’s just watching your stories because you pop up on his feed (because you post insane shit all the time)”, but are people really that simple? An orbiter does not accidentally watch your stories. They are orbiters because there are fixed patterns to their behaviour; they are there again and again like permanent fixtures. And given how confrontational I am, I know they know that I know they’re watching my stories. It’s like standing with your back to another person in a room of mirrors. You look up at yourself, and then at them, realising that they’re watching you too, even though both of you do not ever move.

This creates a relationship that is simultaneously parasocial and symbiotic. As much as I enjoy their presence, I think they, too, get a high from following my social media — because I feed them in return.

So let me feed you with this post.

Here’s the tall tale I spin in my head because I’m a crazy girl and I can think whatever I want (and I own it 100%!). You’re still here because you realise you messed up your only chance with me. Maybe it’s because you were in a bad place or not emotionally ready; you had not yet found yourself. That’s okay; it doesn’t matter anymore. Either way, you regret that you didn’t seize the chance when you had it.

And you don’t know what to do now, so you linger.

I am not sure what to say in response. You wanted something from me, and you took it, didn’t you? I gave you what you wanted, because I loved you, because I wanted you to be happy, even if the time we had together was so infinitesimal. But no matter what I did, I wasn’t enough for you then, and you made your decision then, split-second or not, calculated or not.

Isn’t this what you wanted?

I could block you but I won’t. Why? Because that would be giving you the easy way out. I’ll be frank: I don’t think you deserve that from me. And I love watching you suffer. Every single time you turn around for a second, third, fourth, fifth look, every single time you come back to me unprompted. The more you hurt me in the past, the more I’ll enjoy it.

Well, or so I thought. Huh? Like I said, I used to love playing games with silly cute boys. But in retrospect, I notice that there would inevitably come a tipping point where my objective ceased to be communicating my feelings for them in the hopes that they would reciprocate. All I wanted was to crush them.

I don’t know who or what to or why I was trying to prove myself, but here’s the thing — I always won, and crush them I did. One of the boys I was intent on breaking (because I felt that he had wronged me) eventually conceded through an apology. But when I saw his text, contrary to my glorious expectations, I didn’t feel a sense of victory. It was more like… ah, we’ve been through so much, haven’t we?

But… what was all of this for?

There was a brief period when I actively attempted to ignore my darling orbiters because I felt they were a waste of my time and emotional bandwidth. (Damn energy vampires.) However, I have since realised (perhaps in a post-hoc justification kind of way) that they were pivotal to my emotional growth.

Take Mr Temasek, for example (if you’re here, hi!!! Did it work out with your ex? Hahahahahaha). One encounter with him stands out; I think it will be all I remember of him in time.

We were seated, facing each other; he asked me what my biggest insecurity was (at that point).

And I was honest with him because I trusted him then: I told him, point blank, that I feared men only saw me for my (hot N sexy) body, even though I was so willing to love them.

For at least a second, I thought I recognized empathy in his pretty eyes — a moment of vulnerability I believed was worth revealing myself for.

And then he proceeded to precisely exploit that insecurity against me, haha.

Well (shrugs). We live and we learn. I was out of commission for a good two months or so thanks to his selfishness (and my weaknesses then; it takes two hands to clap). But he taught me an important emotional lesson, which later helped me find the one. Everything happens for a reason.

This is all much ado about nothing. Like OK sis, what is your point?

So here it is in the spirit of full disclosure. I like to pretend that I’m some harbinger of feminine rage, but surprise — despite everything, insanely, I want you to be happy. In the end, we’re all interconnected. Even if our paths will never cross again (I sure hope they don’t), they did at one point. I did love you.

I can be as delulu as I want, but in the end, I will never know why you’re still here. And I don’t intend to find out; that’s what keeps you endlessly fascinating. We always want the things we cannot have.

I liked to credit the men like the two examples above for being my muses. But I’ve been giving credit to the wrong people. I am like this today, and I could write all of this now, because I opted to learn from my mistakes instead of letting them break my spirit. I grew despite you, but also because of you. I would not be where I am today without you — for better or for worse.

And somehow, I choose better — without you.

You’ve served your purpose in my life. I hope I’ve served mine. So let’s part ways now, for your sake.

Listen to this — it’s the sound of how much I would’ve loved you.

And then let go.

But hey, if you do choose to stay, then watch, watch, watch me.

Because I’m going to dance.

gwyn’s guide to hyperoptimised dating, #7 (epilogue / on beginnings)

25th Jul 202413th Sep 2024 gwynethtytLeave a comment

in this series: #1 (#1.5) | #2 | #3 (#3.5) | #4 | #5 (#5.5) | #6 | #7 (#7.5)

Did you think it was over? There’s one more, and this is it —

Wait, where’s #5 and #6? I’m writing them as you read this. But we have deadlines to meet, as you will understand.

And… sometimes, you need to know the ending to appreciate the process.

So, in the final post of this series, we tackle the ultimate question:

What happens when you find the one?

— Wait. How would I know?

…

Yeah, guys. You won’t believe, but I met him. Haha!

I wrote before that love is a little like falling asleep. To quote John Green: I fell in love like you would fall asleep: slowly and then all at once. Maybe somewhat faster for me because, after all, I am a hyperoptimiser: I knew he was the one by the end of our first date.

I mean, I did say I wouldn’t settle for anything less.

Silly Disclosures and a Few Lessons, Maybe

Why did I meet him? He likes jazz too. He’s the only one who genuinely wanted to go to a jazz show with me, not for me (observe how we came full circle). I made time for him because I sincerely wanted to connect with someone with the same interest. Wouldn’t it be fun, even if we didn’t work out? And I was right. He did not need to be anything he was not, nor did I.

Why did he “win”? There are a few things, but one turning point was when he held my hand. Huh, that’s it? Yeah. Because hand-holding is an emotionally loaded gesture. Before him, I had never held hands with any of the others outside of a sexual context. Men will tongue-wrestle you, hook their arm around your hips as you walk, or put their hand on your thigh (thinking they’re slick), blagh, but they will not hold your hand unless they’re ready. That’s love in its most intimate form, or so I believe. When he interlaced his fingers with mine, he was opening his heart to me: he was giving himself to me.

And so I did the same because I wanted to, for him.

Another one for kicks: some of my prior dates ended with the men saying I was enigmatic (??) or they were unsure about me (or gave me a hard no, which was superior, to be honest). They always had this distant look in the end… as if they were struggling to imagine how I fit into their future.

With him, though? At one point, I said, “if you’re so good to me, what if I beg you to see me again?”

He replied, without hesitation: “please do just that; I’d love it if you did.”

How did I know? When I fell asleep in his arms, the ocean was quiet: I did not dream. And yes, he felt like home. (The morning after, I wrote geometry.)

So yeah, nappeun yeoja, but this is it, LOL.

Babygirl’s retiring from the game; she’s had her run and received her prize.

yeah this was meant to be a semi-serious post until i got on pinterest

My Report Card, for Evaluation’s Sake

Dating period, where my first date with him marks the end: 1 to 18/7/24; 2 weeks, 4 days (Jazz in July isn’t even over, and we’re going again!)
Total # men encountered on Hinge: Lost count. LOL. Not important. I did review at least 200 men on Hinge; the night I cleared a backlog of 100+, I downed 18 shots and crawled on the road at some point I can’t recall. (On the bright side, I converted him the same night. And he took care of my bruises after. They’re almost gone!)
Total # men matched: 54
Total # converted to Telegram: 17 (i.e. 30% of matched)
Total # dates (“full conversions”) including with him: 7 — 4 met once, 1 met twice, and then him (i.e. 30% fully converted from Tele). Lucky seven, as he jokes. Lucky me. Can’t wait for the seventh time I see him. (Notice the # of this post in this series? And subtract 18 from today’s date. I love patterns.)
Kill rate (% of conversions I wanted to sleep with vs actually slept with): 100%, haha. A slut to the close-minded, an undefeated hunter to the players, a divine babygirl to him.
Total # of men (still) orbiting me: One too many. For their sake, I hope it eventually becomes 0 — either they upgrade to friends or move on with their lives.
Confidence that he’s the one for me: 99.7% (for now — time will tell).

Epilogue / On Beginnings

We might not work out in the end — life has no guarantees — but I’m committed to making it work. _{(I mean, if it doesn’t, I’ll just rinse and repeat the cycle. I’ve established quite clearly that it’s effective for me.)}

Even if it doesn’t, I know we’ll both grow. I just hope we can make it together.

That’s my promise to him.

(And no, don’t ask me about him. I will not share. I have overshared enough. He’s mine, as I affirmed even before we met. Haha!)

I was looking for love. In the process, I found it in myself. When that happened, he manifested into being for me, as if from a dream.

There might be “better” out there. But what does that mean anyway? To “hyperoptimise”, as was my goal from the beginning, is to find the best solution available given a fixed set of parameters.

We are not looking for perfection; it is unattainable. He isn’t perfect, and neither am I.

But he’s good enough for me as he is, and I’m good enough for him as I am.

And isn’t that what matters in the end?

me listening to him yap. (more like the other way around)

Finally, to all my dear readers: thank you for being here with me throughout. It really has been magical.

Meeting new people was the best thing that happened to me this year. There’s so much out there, so much to learn, so much to do. There are so many others like myself with their own stories, waiting to be uncovered — waiting to be loved.

Again and again — I hope you find the love you deserve. Be brave! Life will work out for you — it’s only a matter of time.

in this series: #1 (#1.5) | #2 | #3 (#3.5) | #4 | #5 (#5.5) | #6 | #7 (#7.5)

gwyn’s guide to hyperoptimised dating, #4 (first impressions)

24th Jul 20248th Jan 2026 gwynethtytLeave a comment

in this series: #1 (#1.5) | #2 | #3 (#3.5) | #4 | #5 (#5.5) | #6 | #7 (#7.5)

OK clowns we are back with another instalment hot on the heels of #3 (knowing thyself). Now that you know who you are and what you want, it is time to get out there and DESTROY your opponents.

First, we will hyperoptimise our profiles on dating apps. Then, we will hyperoptimise the “pruning process”, that is, deciding who converts from dating app match -> texting. More in guide #5 later.

What’s in a (Good) Profile?

I only used Hinge, so we’re going to run with that. I didn’t use Tinder because hearsay it’s primarily a hookup app (not that I wouldn’t thrive there), avoided Coffee Meets Bagel because I was afraid people there were too wholesome, and that’s right — no Bumble for me because I don’t chase, I attract! (I’m cackling lol)

Dating apps are exceptionally unforgiving environments; one swipe to the left, and you’re out for good. You only have one chance to impress, which will be determined by your profile.

So some tips based on my observations:

Every photo and every prompt response must illustrate a quirk that distinguishes you as a person from others. Hinge allows for 6 pictures/videos and 3 text prompts and lets you play around with voice recordings and polls, among other things. There’s so much room for experimentation! I have nothing to complain about on their end. But they can only do so much — more important is how you utilise this potential handed to you.

The point of a profile is to communicate information about you as a distinct individual. Hence, you want to use every weapon at your disposal to convince others that you are ✨ unique and special ✨.

Disclaimer: I accept that I have some pretty privilege (there’s no way around this; either I admit that I have it and I am perceived as self-absorbed, or I pretend that I don’t have it and I am perceived as fake). This pretty privilege shapes the way I evaluate and swipe. But if you look put together and you’re authentic, you’re already ahead of the game. Social perception is an incredibly powerful gift — humans make accurate impressions of others within 5 seconds about how extroverted, intelligent, and even responsible they are. Even on a dating app, if you look closely enough, you can quickly tell who’s secure and authentic — and who’s not. We run with what we have.

Some general recommendations across genders

In #3 I joked about “boring and cliche” people, but it is actually extremely difficult to be one. As long as you have any hobby — a niche interest you do for its own sake — you are no longer boring because you now have experiences that differentiate you from others. To really be boring, you must (1) not do anything remotely interesting at all, or you (2) cannot communicate your experiences in a way that allows you to connect with others.
- But some hobbies are less niche than others. Like watching K-drama. Not that it’s not a valid hobby, but stating it does nothing to distinguish you from everyone else.
- One thing that is NOT a hobby, by the way, is sleeping. Because LITERALLY everyone sleeps. For the love of god, DO NOT spend a precious prompt indicating that you like to sleep or cuddle. EVERYONE likes to sleep or cuddle. You’re better off saying you love to have sex, because at least you’d be admired as someone who has the guts to admit it.
- See below for an example sent by a friend. I would be worried about being flamed, but I realise that this poll is so generic that the person probably couldn’t even identify it as theirs with confidence… and that’s the whole point.

Dog and cat pictures are OK (if you’re hot) (I’m joking), but they’re such an overexploited offering that they won’t help you stand out unless the pet is a defining feature of your identity (e.g., you are a cat dad).
- This logic extends to everything, actually. If you don’t have some witty thing or niche hobby to include, go big or go home with some wild experience instead. You like films? Share that you binge-watched 8 films in a row and fainted. You like travelling? Share that you got ROBBED in Europe or lost your passport and was detained at the airport. Trump supporter? Please post a picture of you wearing a MAGA cap so I can swipe left and report you too.
Funny incidents. Recommended. One of my friends uploaded a voice recording of him (disguised as a news report) sardonically detailing how he got hit by a car and flung along the road. Now that’s a standout feature. I would swipe right for that alone.
Sports is good in general.
- Y’all have no idea how many men I swiped for their pictures alone. Yes. I have no shame. I LOVE rugby boys; they look so intense when they’re ballin’ (screams unhingedly). I LOVE dragon boaters pumping it in the water. I LOVE men who golf — an uncountable number of men received requests from me to hit me with their sticks. Hell, you could post a funny picture of you struggling on a Pilates reformer machine, and I would laugh and swipe right. That’s the whole point — to entertain and to impress.
- The same goes for girls. I am starting to notice a trend where I find that men are surprisingly willing to simp over strong and fit girls. It’s just embedded in our DNA to want fit people.
- Oh, gym pictures and mirror selfies are mid, by the way. Because virtually everyone gyms nowadays. It’s about the sport, because it demonstrates a hobby.
Travel pictures/stories. OK if you’re doing something funny/exciting (shows you have personality and grit) or it’s an outlandish story. I do not care if your favourite travel destination is Japan. Scenic backdrops are OK if you have a lovely smile to accompany them, but use them in moderation.
Education. Intelligence reigns supreme in mating decisions, regardless of gender. This should already be covered by your demographic information. Still, if you really don’t have any other pictures to put, a picture of you in a graduation gown with your institution as a backdrop is an OK choice. Like, guy #5 had a pic of him at his graduation ceremony from a world top 5 uni (I cannot elaborate more in case I am sued) and yeah. He even took the time to kindly reiterate to me that he had lived overseas. Like we couldn’t tell, sir.
Voice prompts. The best voice recording is a funny one (e.g. bad singing or something subversive). There are no exceptions to this. You playing a musical instrument is a close second. And DO NOT WHISPER TO ME SULTRILY THAT YOU LIKE TO SLEEP OR THAT I AM A GOOD GIRL!!!!!!
Demographic information / your preferences.
- For Singaporeans, hide the following information: gender, sexuality, gender you’re interested in, hometown, ethnicity. They’re just clutter and add no value if you’re a normie (like me). But if you’re not a normie, indicate the aspects that would surprise a general audience.
- Your religious and political beliefs. Important to state to sieve out people dissimilar from you (you cannot ignore their ugly heads for long, no matter how hard you try). If someone’s apolitical, they’re immediately out for me, no matter how good their ELO is.
- Family plans. VERY IMPORTANT. Dealbreaker.
- Your dating intentions and relationship type. Important. Don’t lie about it — you will waste everyone’s time. Most people seek monogamous relationships, so that’s not an issue. More interesting is dating intentions. I provide a layman’s translation below for the preferences.
  - Life partner = I WANT TO GET MARRIED AND I ROUGHLY KNOW WHEN.
  - Long-term relationship = I MIGHT WANT TO GET MARRIED, BUT I’M UNSURE WHEN.
  - Long-term relationship, open to short = I WANT A PARTNER, BUT I’M DTF.
  - Short-term relationship, open to long = I AM PRIMARILY DTF, BUT YOU MIGHT CHANGE MY MIND. DON’T HOPE FOR IT THOUGH!
  - Short-term relationship = I AM JUST HERE TO SMASH OR HAVE A SITUATIONSHIP!!! I SHOULD BE ON TINDER!!! WHY AM I HERE!!!
  - Figuring out my dating goals = I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I WANT. HELP! 🚩🚩🚩
  - Prefer not to say = AVOID ME AT ALL COSTS, BECAUSE I AM HIDING SOMETHING.

More recommendations by gender. If we follow the rules of mating theory (see Buss & Schmitt, 2019, and this post for context):

Women: life’s on easy mode here

Assuming men prioritise physical attractiveness, all you have to do is show that you’re hot.
- I didn’t put my bikini picture on there, but I’d probably have had more matches if I had. I did put my garter reel on there, and of course, it drove the boys crazy, even if they pretended otherwise. (I know you watched the video, even if you messaged me via another prompt.)
But note that being hot only gets your foot in the door. It doesn’t mean you’ll hold their attention. You also need some degree of personality (see above), or you won’t be wife material.

Men: have it a little harder

Assume women are looking for security in the form of a man (1) being able to provide economic and status resources, (2) offering physical protection, and (3) being willing to commit. You need to communicate these three aspects to be an ideal fit for a long-term partner.
Uniform (NS) pictures are particularly interesting because they are fundamentally about two things: power and by extension authority kinks. Being a high-ranking soldier always helps, but eh, there are many officers around so don’t expect it to build your case much. A guy did tell me he was a Captain, though, and that was mm, chef’s kiss. Nice. But he said I was too unhinged. And if you look like a daddy in your uniform picture, well? Throw it in, baby! Bonus for you, bonus for me.
Some picture of you doing a rich-looking hobby. You don’t actually have to be rich. Examples of rich-looking hobbies are diving, golf, wine, driving a BOAT, I am out of ideas. I know this sounds classist. But people are classist, especially in Singapore, whether they admit it or not. We’re just playing by the rules. But you don’t have to if you don’t want to.
Willingness to commit. Generally, women who are looking for LTRs avoid fuckboy-looking profiles because the vibe they communicate is “I’m a hot guy, I have choices, you’re in for a ride”. (This comes from someone with the same vibe on their profile.) I was more than happy to play along with a handsome boy who looked like one, though, because I trusted that he was looking for love. He proceeded to disappoint me. Sigh. Like I said, first impressions don’t lie.

Now my friends (rubs hands) is the EXCITING PART!!!

That’s right — we’re critiquing GWYN’S HINGE PROFILE!!!

Observe: babygirl in the wild.

Alright. Let’s break down my profile based on the pictures and prompts in the order you see in the video.

Video #1 (garter reel): Got 200k on Instagram reels. Can’t go wrong. I think it works because of the surprise factor (someone told me it’s borderline flashing) and my knowing smile.
The poll (Hell’s Museum): Optimised to identify prospects interested in visiting Haw Par Villa, which seemed like a fun first date to me. Going to Hell, that is. Quite revealing of my personality.
The voice prompt: You can’t hear it but it’s me mispronouncing my name (in the style of Wahluigi) against the backdrop of video game music. I thought it was funny. Some people agreed.
Text prompt #1 (Jazz in July): Specifies a relatively niche music genre, jazz, which I love. It sieves out people who are open to new or similar interests. (I return to this in guide #7; it was a surprisingly pivotal prompt. Also, going back to guide #2, it effectively showed me who had a genuine interest in my hobbies.)
Demographics. Note the omission of non-critical information.
Picture #1 (phone booth): Simply because I’m smiling authentically. I really liked this moment in time. You catch the vibe or you don’t.
Picture #2 (mirror selfie): I felt hot with this one. That’s it. It’s one of the more popular pictures among my matches.
Text prompt #2 (weirdly attracted to men): Communicates my love-hate relationship with men and if you read into it more, my bratty nature. Easy to reply to to start a conversation (it’s all about pandering to the audience). I’ll admit it’s not the best prompt, though, because it’s quite generic.
Video #2 (pool): Another hobby to connect with others like myself. I’m not good, but that’s not the point. The point is to demonstrate you’re willing to try something new.
Text prompt #3 (Tajikistan): I wrote this because I had learned that fact the day before and didn’t have anything else to write. It communicates somewhat that I enjoy trivia. It was not a very good prompt, though it did have its takers.
Picture #3 (cat ears): Tailored to the male gaze.
Picture #4 (Tom meme): Because I love him. Also, high-level playful jab as if to judge men eyeing my profile (to make them a bit self-aware).

Feel free to criticise constructively for discussion’s sake. It won’t hurt my feelings because whatever you say, it worked well enough for me.

I later modified my profile to replace the following:

Original	Modified	Rationale for change
Text Prompt #1 (Jazz in July)	Together, we could To save your time and mine, I: [included my dealbreakers]	Only Two (2) People in my entire time on Hinge were genuinely interested in jazz. So, I can’t believe I’m saying this, but it was too niche to the point that it was almost useless. (But see guide #7 when it’s out…) The dealbreakers text was a significant improvement from the original because it effectively filtered out men who could not handle me.
Text Prompt #2 (weirdly attracted to men)	I won’t shut up about how to hyperoptimise love and dating	Well, self-explanatory. And serves as a conversation starter since people are interested in this topic.
Text Prompt #3 (Tajikistan)	What if I told you that I can tell what your aura is by the end of our first date	Party trick I realised I had a talent for after going on a few first dates. And people love hearing about how others see them.

So yeah, I eliminated what wasn’t working. I didn’t have time to change the pictures, though if I could, I would replace the one of me playing pool with me drunkenly yelling in public. In the style of if you can’t handle this, don’t swipe me.

OK that was longer than I expected. Let’s move on to the Conversion Process.

The Conversion Process: App -> Texting

Use the in-app chat platform to sieve out instant dealbreakers. This includes people who are RUDE or who don’t know their boundaries.

Examples. Again, profile pictures are not hidden because I do not care. You put yourself out there, you deal with the consequences of your behaviour.

^ This guy is a particularly good example of someone who should be instantly DQed. A “neg” is a psychological tactic primarily used by men to get women. It involves insulting the woman to bring her confidence down, hoping she’ll like you more in an attempt to compensate. But I don’t even think he was operating at this level — I wouldn’t give him that much credit. He probably just disliked me.

I did convert him to Telegram, because he was hot and I was trying to see the good in him, but it was a mistake. Our subsequent texting was toxic af. We didn’t full-out hurl insults at each other, but I could feel his contempt for me dripping in his words. It was a *disgusting* experience. Why put myself through that? And you might think that you can change them, but consider: what are you really inviting with a person who fundamentally believes he can be rude to *strangers?* *If he’s rude to you from the beginning, he will continue to be rude.* Anyway, next.

^ Asking for head off the bat is *insane*. You think you deserve head from me? Men would BEG and then PAY for it, and you think you can get it with what??? A skincare routine, like, basic self-care? Jesus. Immediately dropped.

Only convert with those with whom you have established a degree of conversational flow. This is subjective, but once you feel comfortable texting them, convert them immediately from the app to a messaging platform. I usually give my Telegram username and ask them to DM me. I do this typically within an hour or at most a day of texting them on Hinge. After all, if you don’t like them later, you can sever the connection (see guide #6 on this topic).

I think that’s enough for this post. In the next guide, #5, we will discuss the rules of engagement — that is, how to build rapport on Telegram AND how to have a great first date! See you then. Kiss ❤

in this series: #1 (#1.5) | #2 | #3 (#3.5) | #4 | #5 (#5.5) | #6 | #7 (#7.5)

excerpts, #9 (quickfire collection)

23rd Jul 202423rd Jul 2024 gwynethtytLeave a comment

[2:35am] sweet dreams, sweet dreams, may i hear the ocean before i sleep

[3:14am] i love, i am loved, and i shall devour; i will not wait

[8:50am] we cannot be afraid to be hurt; we must be brave

[10:04am] there’s so much out there, babygirl,
you just don’t know it yet;
breathe, and it’ll all take care of itself

[10:04am] what’s meant for you / will not pass you by

gwyn’s guide to hyperoptimised dating, #3 (knowing thyself)

22nd Jul 202413th Sep 2024 gwynethtytLeave a comment

in this series: #1 (#1.5) | #2 | #3 (#3.5) | #4 | #5 (#5.5) | #6 | #7 (#7.5)

Alright, ya clowns, we are so back because I just submitted the first draft of my thesis. Good riddance! In letting it spread its wings, I, too, flew here immediately.

In this episode, we do the preparatory legwork before we jump into the battlefield.

Huh? Not dating yet? Yeah. Don’t get yourself all tangled up. Fail to prepare, and prepare to fail.

We will cover two aspects: knowing thyself and knowing thy enemy (as an extension of #1).

A necessary caveat to protect my readers’ feelings because I care for you: all of this is my own opinion. I am critical by design because because criticism is the way to improve. I fully acknowledge I may be wrong, and I might change my mind in the future. If you don’t like what you see, you don’t have to read it; set your own boundaries, or others will do it for you. But interestingly, if you experience a sting, it’s probably because you see yourself reflected herein.

Knowing Thyself

To know yourself and conquer the battlefield, you must be able to confidently answer two questions:

Who are you, babygirl? And what do you have to offer the market?

The Rationale

I mention figuring out what you have to offer. Now, I am all against self-objectification (I deal with enough from men daily. Stop DMing me from your damn anon alt-accounts or I will jolly well block you. This is my FINAL warning; stay in your place). But if love is a game, marriage is a market, and you are ultimately a commodity on auction. You define your own value, but you will still be subjected to market rate considerations. Nobody will pay for you if you act like you’re all that but have no concrete value.

Men (and women) can smell when you are all style and no substance. My second date told me he had met a girl who was “all talk and no show”, and his evaluation of her was “arrogant”. Ugh. I cringed internally for her. I would hate to be her; the prospect terrified me. I’m sure it’s the same for you. (That being said, what does it matter what others think of you? There’s no one to please when you play by your own rules.)

The point is that you need to be realistic and pragmatic about what you really are. Again, reducing ourselves to objects in the style of Carousell — bless that hellhole — you need to set accurate prices to find buyers. If you want to reach a class of buyers (the “elites”) that can pay a lot and are willing to, you have to be worth a lot in the first place.

And it’s not that hard to align yourself when you see things as they are. Think of it this way: when you underprice something on Carousell (as I did once), the messages come in a tsunami. When you overprice it, that item sits in your storeroom for years. Only when you find the sweet spot can you start pruning the buyers genuinely interested in making a transaction. On a dating app like Hinge, the logic is similar. If you present yourself authentically, you won’t have a shortage of likes from people who are interested in you as you are. But if you’re inauthentic or booooooring, you won’t be attracting “elite” buyers — which I assume is what you are seeking.

Note the emphasis on as you are. Many buyers are out there, some of which are “elites”, but that does not mean they are a good fit for you. Sure, we got a snazzy, tall, handsome, rich man out here for drinks (story below, keep reading), but he looks at you condescendingly and only wants to sleep with you. Are you going to accept that? It’s you we’re talking about, you know. You’re so much more than an item on sale. Respect yourself.

The Process of Becoming

You must first know what you are and be willing to do the shadow work to get there. The fundamental question is: do you see and accept yourself as you are?

The easy questions

What are your goals and dreams? Where do you want to be in a year, in five years’ time?
What are your hobbies?
What are your strengths?

And so on. These are simple questions to answer but are nonetheless crucial because where you want to go will determine what kind of partner you’re looking for. In other words, they help you piece together your key considerations and dealbreakers.

Here’s mine after I did some self-analysis. It’s not the full version because why would I reveal myself so fully to the public (yes, I am being sarcastic). I’m just putting it here because I wrote it in jest, but it works well enough.

If he does the following, I would die for him (inclusion criteria)	If he DOESN’T do the following, he can go away x (exclusion criteria/dealbreakers)
Read REAL books regularly (yes I am gatekeeping)	Read my blog and tell me how much he loves my art
Actively listen (stop using your damn phone)	~~Act~~ BE obsessed with me 24/7/365
Communicate his thoughts and needs (a defining feature of a secure man)	Plaster pictures of me all over his phone and social media profiles
Practice ACCOUNTABILITY	Text me first, politely, stating his intentions clearly
Have big dick energy	Like me for more than just my hot N sexy body

Hmm. It’s quite close to what I actually want.

But life’s not all flowers and sunshine.

The harder questions (the real shadow work)

What are the flaws that define you? More importantly, are you okay with them?

A fantastic example from yours truly: my emotional intensity (often confused with “volatility“, which I will never stop yapping about). Tl;dr I feel emotions to an extreme degree, ostensibly more so than others experiencing those same emotions. Let’s say the same nice thing happened to us today, and we are both happy about it. While you might experience it as a 7/10 in intensity, I’m probably a 9/10. It doesn’t seem like an issue (ignoring my hypomanic antics) until I have negative emotions like sadness and anger. When I’m sad, I’m really sad, like 9/10 all the time. And when I’m mad — haha. Like they say, hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.

I don’t want to get into this further because it’s irrelevant to the discussion, but to put it simply and for my own closure, I don’t believe I’m more intense than the average person. I think people have this mistaken impression because (1) I can articulate my emotions clearly through writing, and (2) most people are not as keen on expressing their thoughts as publicly as I do. But just because you don’t see someone’s emotions doesn’t mean they’re not feeling it.
And because I feel this strange need to defend myself again, I no longer vent my negative emotions on people. I put them in places for me. And if my friends need distance from my evil space, they are always welcome to step away from the room. It’s not their problem unless they care.
Finally, consider this: what is a flaw, socially speaking? In contexts like social interaction with infinite possibilities, virtually any personality trait could be perceived as a strength as much as a flaw. I discuss it as a personality flaw in finding a husband because it repeatedly emerged as a dealbreaker for prospective men. But I doubt it is a flaw otherwise. If you took this part of me away, I would be an empty husk; I would no longer be the Gwyneth adored by my family, friends, and fans.

But that’s enough digression. Suffice it to say that I have accepted my emotional intensity as essential to my identity or how I view myself as a separate individual (yay, social psych!). Once I came to terms with myself, I could easily identify and eliminate those who would not help me grow. It is OK if they do not accept me; I am whole as I am. I will find someone who will accept me and walk by my side.

And that’s the beauty of it all, I guess: when you accept your flaws, they are no longer flaws.

The Consequences of Becoming

Okay, story time. I posted Instagram stories about this immediately after it happened (see highlights > Unhinged), but I’ll do a short recap because there are so many things to take away from it.

He was the fifth man I met since the Hinge era. We’ll call him #5. He invited me to drinks at this fancy bar. We did not text much prior to meeting. But his ELO score was so high that I threw caution to the wind (a mistake, as we will see). Essentially, this guy was maxed out on his educational attainment, job/income, height (perfect 180cm, supposedly), family background, and musical/sports skills. And he was handsome to boot. His profile was so absurd that when I saw it in my matches, I was like, babygirl’s in the big leagues, baby.

But here’s the thing: I had a gut feeling I was not enough for him. I texted my friends shortly before meeting him, quote in verbatim:

tbh he prolly just wants to sleep with me. i’m not wife material for this kind of level (i am not putting myself down. i am realistic). and i wouldn’t mind but actually i would. i not feeling it tonight

Why? We had nothing in common. Not education, definitely not income, ignore height, family background unclear. I was interested in engaging in some of his hobbies, but I was not there yet. I had not yet become what he was. In other words, there was an absence of connection.

So iconic. Anyway, I left the house knowing that I would return intact. (Note the link between connection and sex.)

Lo and behold, as God willed it, I was right on the dollar. I did not feel safe around this man and it stayed that way throughout. He wasn’t actively posing a threat to me, no, but I could feel my body unconsciously rejecting him. When he asked to hold my hand, and I put them in his, my arms literally strained to pull away. When he casually put his arm around my shoulder, I had to fight the instinctive urge to lock my body. (Another funny detail: he told me he had already had dinner. I was like… oh. Now that’s new. Talk about hyperoptimised dating; even the meal is eliminated!)

We did have a single moment when we genuinely shared a laugh, but it was not enough. He told me at the end that I was not what he was looking for. I was like, OK, taken aback, but I understand (all according to keikaku).

And… I don’t think I’ll sleep with you tonight.

When those words left my pretty mouth, he demonstrated the elite equivalent of a seizure. His eyes widened almost imperceptibly (what is this, Wattpad?), and he froze in his seat, tilting his head at me like I was some alien. I stared back at him, confused… starting to understand. He was so confident he could bag me based on his conditions alone that he had not anticipated failure.

Then we went downstairs to return to our separate homes. And we were settling our last goodbyes when he suddenly stepped forward to be closer to me. I flinched and backed away. I had to reiterate that I did not intend to sleep with him. And he looked at me in that way again, with that perplexed, distant gaze, indicating his inability to comprehend how a woman (who did not feel safe with him) could possibly not want to sleep with him. By this time, I already knew that he was not honest about his intentions insofar as he did not admit them — sealing his disqualification, sexually and emotionally.

He then got into the cab, and I was left standing there dazed as if I had emerged from a chess game.

He won the game, but I won the war, I guess.

real clown-to-clown communication moment

And yes, true to his fine upbringing, he texted me to thank me for my time with good grace afterwards. But even his text was de-rizzed, like he had deflatedly realised his place. I had excised the ego from the man. I reciprocated and then wiped the chat.

(He told me not to write about him, by the way. They all do. I don’t care.)

Apologies for the exposition. To circle back to our main point, when you know what you are and what you want, ~~you can break any man’s ego~~. Sorry, I mean, you’ll be able to find the one for you way more efficiently.

Knowing Thy Enemy

Speaking of finding the one for you —

What do you want, babygirl?

You need to date to know what you want. If you don’t know what’s out there, you don’t know what’s good for you. It really is that simple. If you think you know what you want without having dated anyone, you’re probably relying on societal assumptions to define what you want. If that works for you, go ahead, but your chances of suboptimal outcomes are higher.

But there’s a hidden rule here — you attract what you are.

A man from my past reached out to me on Hinge. I was amused, so I replied, but he was never in the running. Not because of our history but because he couldn’t even figure out what he wanted from a relationship (as his profile indicated, not my assumption). OK, so you want to fuck me? Then say it like you mean it, and I’ll decide. (I had decided in advance: no.)

If you are confused, you will attract a confused person. In my humble opinion, that is a colossal waste of time because I am looking for a HUSBAND. However, I’m all for it if you guys can align on your confusion and collaborate to work it out together.

And that’s the kicker: even if you don’t know, you have to know that you don’t know.

Hence, we come full circle to knowing thyself.

Marrying (haha) the Two

To me, love is about finding the ideal partner while being the ideal partner. Thus, as I reiterate, work on yourself before you get out there. A relationship is a project, and you need to pull your weight. Any self-respecting person would expect their teammates to do their part, so why should you be exempt? You might have gotten away with it in your studies, but do you think the dating circle will be this forgiving? If you want to love, be ready to give yourself completely.

Knowing yourself and knowing your enemy are concepts that kind of reciprocally influence each other, but the first is paramount.

When you know and accept yourself, everything else will come naturally.

in this series: #1 (#1.5) | #2 | #3 (#3.5) | #4 | #5 (#5.5) | #6 | #7 (#7.5)

geometry

19th Jul 202419th Jul 2024 gwynethtytLeave a comment

listening to him breathe
i drew crisscrossing lines in my head —
destiny is a little bit like geometry
but i dreamt of nothing, strangely
he smiled and said serenely
that’s because you’re free from worry!

indeed, now that my mind’s empty
in those spaces, between our figures

there will be room
/ / / / / / / / / / / / / / / for a new memory

gwyn’s guide to hyperoptimised dating, #1.5 (sex and love: the hunting ground)

18th Jul 202413th Sep 2024 gwynethtytLeave a comment

in this series: #1 (#1.5) | #2 | #3 (#3.5) | #4 | #5 (#5.5) | #6 | #7 (#7.5)

In this exercise, we invert the gendered rule of sex before love:

Men do not sleep with women they are interested in on the first date.

Now, we apply this to ME (you).

If I sleep with a man on the first date, it must mean I am (you are) emotionally ready to disqualify him permanently. To see it through is to certify with a seal that I do not expect to see him again, and I’ll be fine if I don’t. In fact, I must expect to never see any man that I sleep with again if we do so before any binding commitment is made. I ate him up and got what I wanted; that’s a full hunt completed.

They took what they could, and so did I.

If they do not want more, neither shall I ask nor desire.

Don’t turn around, don’t blink twice.

This does not mean I view men as “prey”. I’m not delusional (I think, haha). I respect them as human beings like myself. We are equals; coercion is never involved (or the police will join the party).

But I will reciprocate how they treat me. Some men (not all) act like this is a game and women are prey to be devoured. There may be no coercion, but there is always persuasion and manipulation in human relations. They think that if they go through the motions and “play the game right”, women will willingly fall into their arms — and they don’t even have to commit.

But there are no free lunches in this world.

They think they’re the hunters; they don’t realise I own the hunting ground.

And on these grounds, babygirls — contrary to my tagline — love is not a game.

in this series: #1 (#1.5) | #2 | #3 (#3.5) | #4 | #5 (#5.5) | #6 | #7 (#7.5)

gwyn’s guide to hyperoptimised dating, #3.5 (becoming, #3)

15th Jul 202413th Sep 2024 gwynethtytLeave a comment

in this series: #1 (#1.5) | #2 | #3 (#3.5) | #4 | #5 (#5.5) | #6 | #7

A dual post because it was only a matter of time before all of what I’ve written would come together. To love and to date is to find yourself, and when you find yourself, you will meet the ones for you.

It’s #3.5 on the hyperoptimised dating series because the content is an extension of #3, which I haven’t yet written. But it will come soon.

These two weeks have been a huge test for me — of my will. I’ve learnt so much so quickly that even my core beliefs have been shaken. Up to this point, I believed I should give my everything in whatever I do, whoever I meet…. but I can see why people are hesitant to do so now. I tried to hyperoptimise the search for love only to find that the thing I could not optimise in the end was myself. We cannot optimise love because it is not meant to be optimised.

Everyone I’ve met tells me I give love too quickly and commit too fully. I don’t agree, but they’re right about the consequences, which are very real.

Nonetheless, I’ve made a few observations that are fascinating to me and that my readers might enjoy.

First: people like to aim for things that are just beyond our reach — it’s pure instinct. But the divine irony of it all is that to be the partner of a person who is “better” than you, you have to be better than yourself so you “deserve” them. I do not believe people “deserve” or do not deserve each other; everyone deserves to be loved. But there are unbreakable rules in life, and this is one of them.

I realised that I’ve always “joked” about finding a rich man because I have been looking for a man to compensate for a part of me that I perceived I lacked. But there is nothing to compensate for. As Cher wisely opined, I don’t need a rich man; I am the rich man. I will become him. When I do, the rest will work it out by itself. Indeed, that is the mentality of the secure men I’ve met — they take their time and are stern with their boundaries because they always want better, better, better.

And why not indeed? I’ve been out for less than a month on Hinge and am already batting like crazy. But not only is it about where you’re at now, it’s about where you’re going. And I will keep growing; in a year, I will be more, and in two years, I will be much more. When you tend to your garden, the butterflies will come. When I become a rich (and hot) man, I won’t need a rich man anymore.

So, ultimately, this is not about men or potential partners I might have. It is about me. It was always about me; it was always about you.

Second and related: if you are serious about finding the one for you, you must first know who you are.

I suspect men are afraid of me. Because I am so intense and seemingly ready to do unhinged shit (it’s only unhinged because they don’t understand) that they realise that they cannot control me — and these men cannot accept a woman they cannot control. I think that’s the crux of it all in a relationship dynamic: it’s all about power. In short, weaker men cannot handle me, and they drop me such that I shatter on the floor. (Most men can’t even handle being told that they’re weak.)

That’s what the men really mean when they tell me I’m “emotionally volatile” or I’m “headstrong” or whatever to that effect. They’re all related. I saw it flash across a prospect’s eyes when we met for the last time as potential partners. I told him about my plans for the future, and he tripped thrice, so much that I asked him if he was doing it for theatrical effect. He did not say it then, but it was already a dealbreaker for him, and maybe he just wanted to see it through to the inevitable end.

This guess of mine will never be fully validated because they will never admit it is so. But I can see it anyway — I see it with the men in my past and the men I’ve met recently. I see it in the way they orbit me. My malicious side wants them to think, in those moments they watch my stories, why are you still here? But hey, since you are, watch me — I’m going to be the girl you could’ve had and will never have again because you didn’t know what you wanted. You were a part of my life and I’m grateful for that — but you were not meant to stay. I’ve done it before, and I’ll do it again.

But it doesn’t matter whether they feel the way I want them to. I might be completely delusional. It doesn’t matter what they feel anyway. They have their own lives and deserve happiness too.

I’ll just not be there to see it.

I am not emotionally volatile. I used to be, maybe. I hurt others; I regret it. And I will make mistakes. I can’t help it if I have thorns on my body that regrow even when I tear them out and I bleed because I didn’t want to hurt others when they came close. I must accept myself for who I am. I can only hope my friends will love me regardless — and I trust that they do. I too accept them for everything that they are.

My emotional intensity is not a weakness; it is quite literally my cardinal trait. People who say I’m volatile do not understand me in the way I understand myself. And I do not have the time to explain myself to them because we have other things to do. Let them think what they want. I will say this though: if I am emotionally volatile, then let the primary emotions I cycle between be joy and awe.

I will be brave, even if I must make it alone.

There are always “better” people out there. But they are not for you. You deserve someone who sees you as you are. When you realistically recognise your place, you’ll know where you want to be.

Will you stay or will you go? That’s up to you.

I have only met one man about whom I was completely sure from the beginning. And the reason was simpler than I had expected — he felt like home, where I was meant to be, as I was. I was so sure about my gut feeling that I’d have given him the reins if he asked. But he told me, as if he saw something in me I did not then, that I was too unstable for him.

And on reflection — indeed, I am. He could not handle me. That’s not on him; it’s not on me. We were just not meant to be. We live, and we learn.

So, as I intended, the man I end up with will be a brat tamer. And he won’t even have to tell me. I will know when we cross paths. He’ll love the challenge, and I’ll give myself fully in return.

We will not “settle for” anyone until I find someone who loves me as intensely and deliberately as I love him. He has to be like me. I am looking for a soulmate. With or without them, I am walking ahead at my own pace. If I don’t get married, hell, so be it; there are more incredible things in life waiting for me.

My priority is not men. It will never be men. It will always be me.

And we are going to live.