Category: mental health

’24 resolutions

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2024 is over (I mourn the unhinged girl I left behind)… so it is time for an accountability report.

I’m embarrassed that the “incompletes” list is longer than the “completed” one, but maybe life is supposed to be like that — one’s gotta want more to do more. Besides, I completed the most important thing I set out to do: my thesis. (Were you expecting “finding a man”, huh??? Were you???)

Learning point: many of the incompletes are moving targets that cannot be satisfactorily completed once and for all (e.g. cleaning my room, which I DID, okay) — subsequent iterations should be worded with more concrete outcomes. I have no excuses for the concrete ones I didn’t do, though.

So… I’m leaving the incompletes up in hopes of embarrassing myself so much that I’ll do them in 2025. Though not everything, I’ll carry some over to my 2025 resolutions list. The new year’s always a good time to rethink our priorities regarding the kind of lives we want to live. I can be sure that my true self is reflected in the things I did, but not necessarily in the things I didn’t.

2024 was awesome, especially in the middle. It was exhilarating to just exist. I’ll miss those days.

I hope 2025 will be just as magical.

Originally published 24/2/24

COMPLETED
*bolded: stuff i really enjoyed

Struck out = done [completed date, comment]

Setting myself up for Success

  • Finish and submit thesis
  • Financial reconsolidation [Nov]
    • Clear debts
    • Emergency fund
    • Try side hustles: tutoring
  • Duolingo [streak: 468/500 goal, I accept my persistence]

“Hobbies”

  • 100k on blog [Jun] | 120k on blog [Nov]
  • Finish 12 books [my read of the year is Antifragile]
  • Commit to pilates [53 classes in 2024 – not bad if I say so myself!]
  • Post 12 iconic reels (once a month) [exceeded and wiped, except for crowning glory]
    • Purge social media pages following (what you follow shapes what you are)
  • Hyperoptimised partner-search project on dating apps [Jul: bonus comment — in time, you only remember the good ones]

Unhinged, Silly things

  • Tongue piercing [Feb: I love the way it hurts a little]
  • MORE tattoos [self-expression is an expensive hobby]
    • Devils dancing [May]
    • Gladiator gal [Jun]
  • Engage with the woo-woo by visiting a numerologist [he said I wouldn’t find someone this year, but then again I’ve never listened to a man]
  • Attend 5 concerts/musicals [total: 8]
    • Li Ronghao’s Free Soul (rating: 5/5☆)
    • Lin-Manuel Miranda’s Hamilton (4☆)
    • Hacken Lee’s 《弦续李克勤》 (5☆)
    • Dua Lipa’s Radical Optimism (4☆)
    • Jazz
      • Alina Ramirez Trio (3.5☆)
      • MAD LABS 3.0 (3.5☆)
      • Jazz @ The InterContinental (4☆)
      • Seeds and Flowers (3☆)
  • Travel [total: 6]
    • Bali
    • Batam
    • JB
    • Genting
    • Tasmania
    • New Zealand [SKYDIVED!!!]

Cleansing and organising

  • Purge problematic men [Jun: so true babe]
  • Elimination load exercise [Dec]
    • Eliminate non-value adding activities
    • Consolidate all ongoing commitments
  • Deactivate Motion and transfer data to Notion

INCOMPLETES

Cleaning and organising, but the boring kind

  • Spring cleaning
    • Work area [?]
    • Bookshelf and misc items area
    • Purge wardrobe and replace with babygirl vibes
      • Wear every single piece of clothing I own (shirt, shorts, socks, sleepwear)
      • Compile clothes and donate
  • Get chair professionally cleaned
  • Clean mahjong tiles + buy new excellent quality playing cards for good shuffle
  • Clean up electronic devices/files
    • Clean up phone
      • Apps
      • Chats
    • MacBook and Google Drive files
      • Clean up photos
      • Organise Notion completely
        • Transfer all notes from phone to Notion
  • Clear candy
  • Purge blog, retag all posts, standardise categories/tags

Projects

  • Sleep by 4am every night, wake up by 11am every morning (+/-1h) – 80% of the year [I don’t have to crunch any numbers to know that 80% definitely was not attained]
  • Make Monumental happen (by Dec 2024) [70%]
    • Data transcription
    • Data analysis
    • Build programme
    • Run programme
    • Execute events
  • Write blog posts [oof… what happened to My Passion…]
    • Reflections on grad school
    • Tips from a TA
    • Analyses on my Ultimate Life Tracker
  • Volunteer weekly [8 sessions total… shame]
  • Balance bonds and stocks portfolio
  • Apply for 50 overseas jobs/education
  • Side hustles
    • Write for an online platform?
  • Learn R coding / other data presentation software

Hobbies

  • Dance classes [I went for 1 class, at least – we’ll get there]
  • Improve Japanese to N3 level
    • Register for intensive group classes after graduation
  • Get better at pool [# practice sessions logged: 5?]
    • Master cuing action (hit balls accurately top, middle, bottom)
    • Pot balls faster and more accurately
  • Piercings cont
    • Navel piercing?
    • Industrial piercing??
  • Tattoos cont
    • One to commemorate thesis/graduation (“the struggle”, feminised)
    • Dopamine/serotonin pair
  • Stream on Twitch 4 fun
    • Yakuza 0
    • JSRF, 100% (xemu)
    • Chained Together, with friends
  • Visit a psychic
  • Go to Lisdoonvarna, Ireland for matchmaking festival [note: maybe someday…]
  • Go to 10 social gatherings to meet new people [count: <5??? loser]
  • Open Water diving cert […someday I’ll see a shark]

gwyn’s guide to hyperoptimised dating, #7 (epilogue / on beginnings)

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in this series: #1 (#1.5) | #2 | #3 (#3.5) | #4 | #5 (#5.5) | #6 | #7 (#7.5)

Did you think it was over? There’s one more, and this is it —

Wait, where’s #5 and #6? I’m writing them as you read this. But we have deadlines to meet, as you will understand.

And… sometimes, you need to know the ending to appreciate the process.

So, in the final post of this series, we tackle the ultimate question:

What happens when you find the one?

— Wait. How would I know?

…

Yeah, guys. You won’t believe, but I met him. Haha!

???????????????

I wrote before that love is a little like falling asleep. To quote John Green: I fell in love like you would fall asleep: slowly and then all at once. Maybe somewhat faster for me because, after all, I am a hyperoptimiser: I knew he was the one by the end of our first date.

I mean, I did say I wouldn’t settle for anything less.

Silly Disclosures and a Few Lessons, Maybe

Why did I meet him? He likes jazz too. He’s the only one who genuinely wanted to go to a jazz show with me, not for me (observe how we came full circle). I made time for him because I sincerely wanted to connect with someone with the same interest. Wouldn’t it be fun, even if we didn’t work out? And I was right. He did not need to be anything he was not, nor did I.

Why did he “win”? There are a few things, but one turning point was when he held my hand. Huh, that’s it? Yeah. Because hand-holding is an emotionally loaded gesture. Before him, I had never held hands with any of the others outside of a sexual context. Men will tongue-wrestle you, hook their arm around your hips as you walk, or put their hand on your thigh (thinking they’re slick), blagh, but they will not hold your hand unless they’re ready. That’s love in its most intimate form, or so I believe. When he interlaced his fingers with mine, he was opening his heart to me: he was giving himself to me.

And so I did the same because I wanted to, for him.

Another one for kicks: some of my prior dates ended with the men saying I was enigmatic (??) or they were unsure about me (or gave me a hard no, which was superior, to be honest). They always had this distant look in the end… as if they were struggling to imagine how I fit into their future.

With him, though? At one point, I said, “if you’re so good to me, what if I beg you to see me again?”

He replied, without hesitation: “please do just that; I’d love it if you did.”

How did I know? When I fell asleep in his arms, the ocean was quiet: I did not dream. And yes, he felt like home. (The morning after, I wrote geometry.)

So yeah, nappeun yeoja, but this is it, LOL.

Babygirl’s retiring from the game; she’s had her run and received her prize.

yeah this was meant to be a semi-serious post until i got on pinterest

My Report Card, for Evaluation’s Sake

  • Dating period, where my first date with him marks the end: 1 to 18/7/24; 2 weeks, 4 days (Jazz in July isn’t even over, and we’re going again!)
  • Total # men encountered on Hinge: Lost count. LOL. Not important. I did review at least 200 men on Hinge; the night I cleared a backlog of 100+, I downed 18 shots and crawled on the road at some point I can’t recall. (On the bright side, I converted him the same night. And he took care of my bruises after. They’re almost gone!)
  • Total # men matched: 54
  • Total # converted to Telegram: 17 (i.e. 30% of matched)
  • Total # dates (“full conversions”) including with him: 7 — 4 met once, 1 met twice, and then him (i.e. 30% fully converted from Tele). Lucky seven, as he jokes. Lucky me. Can’t wait for the seventh time I see him. (Notice the # of this post in this series? And subtract 18 from today’s date. I love patterns.)
  • Kill rate (% of conversions I wanted to sleep with vs actually slept with): 100%, haha. A slut to the close-minded, an undefeated hunter to the players, a divine babygirl to him.
  • Total # of men (still) orbiting me: One too many. For their sake, I hope it eventually becomes 0 — either they upgrade to friends or move on with their lives.
  • Confidence that he’s the one for me: 99.7% (for now — time will tell).

Epilogue / On Beginnings

We might not work out in the end — life has no guarantees — but I’m committed to making it work. (I mean, if it doesn’t, I’ll just rinse and repeat the cycle. I’ve established quite clearly that it’s effective for me.)

Even if it doesn’t, I know we’ll both grow. I just hope we can make it together.

That’s my promise to him.

(And no, don’t ask me about him. I will not share. I have overshared enough. He’s mine, as I affirmed even before we met. Haha!)

I was looking for love. In the process, I found it in myself. When that happened, he manifested into being for me, as if from a dream.

There might be “better” out there. But what does that mean anyway? To “hyperoptimise”, as was my goal from the beginning, is to find the best solution available given a fixed set of parameters.

We are not looking for perfection; it is unattainable. He isn’t perfect, and neither am I.

But he’s good enough for me as he is, and I’m good enough for him as I am.

And isn’t that what matters in the end?

me listening to him yap. (more like the other way around)

Finally, to all my dear readers: thank you for being here with me throughout. It really has been magical.

Meeting new people was the best thing that happened to me this year. There’s so much out there, so much to learn, so much to do. There are so many others like myself with their own stories, waiting to be uncovered — waiting to be loved.

Again and again — I hope you find the love you deserve. Be brave! Life will work out for you — it’s only a matter of time.

in this series: #1 (#1.5) | #2 | #3 (#3.5) | #4 | #5 (#5.5) | #6 | #7 (#7.5)

somnolence

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i could never fall asleep easily around them.

one time i stared wide-eyed at the ceiling through midnight until his alarm rang. when i studied him, basking in the warmth of the golden hour, he seemed to be having a pleasant dream: maybe life was sweeter for him there. back in reality, all that was left for me to do was envy him.

i think that one sleeps soundly when there’s nothing to worry about.

another time we stayed up until it was warm; i was talking at him throughout, at a pace so frenetic it was as if i already knew that we would never see each other again. i couldn’t sleep, even with the additional melatonin in my blood. i did have a lot i wanted to share, but now i wonder if it was also because i didn’t feel comfortable enough to let the silence settle in between us. it adds up, because i can no longer remember what we said, only what was left unsaid.

as someone who’s had insomnia all her life, falling asleep easily is a blessing. a perfect descent is like wading into a warm ocean with the scent of home around you. deceptively light at first, a heaviness weighs you down until you realise you’re sinking to the point of no return: it conquers you whether you embrace or resist it. but it’s easier to let go with someone — if you trust that they’ll eventually pull you back to the surface to breathe again.

maybe they knew, maybe they didn’t — either way, i don’t think they cared.

i’ve joined them now. these days, i burrow into my blanket and hug my bolster tight. for sure, doing so can’t replicate the affections of a drowsy lover. but it is nice in its own way: nestled away in my cocoon, sometimes — just sometimes — i hear the sound of the waves and nothing else.

giving and taking

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I had a dream — a nightmare, perhaps — where I was lying beside one of them.

A third party, a casual talker who seemed to lack self-awareness, shared the bed with us. Staring at his back, turned away from us and at a respectful distance, I found myself grateful rather than annoyed by his intrusion.

Either way, I remained pensive, a feeling of discomfort bubbling in my chest until I mentioned that maybe I should go home instead. I said it was the morning, but I just didn’t want to be around him.

Curled up beside me, close enough but never making contact, he muttered something to pacify me. But his body language did not match his words — he seemed to want to get closer and closer the more I squirmed to get further.

He wasn’t the only one, I realise. In every moment I was with them, the abject terror of being jumped pervaded our waltzes; the only real choice I had was whether to lean into the joy of being hunted. I allowed them to decentre me — for that was what I was willing to give — and all of them seemed to revel in taking without reciprocating.

And then they would eventually tell me, sometimes not even directly, as if I wasn’t worth their while — that I was too much for them.

gwyn’s mental health logs, #2: tips from a psycho

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in this series: #0.5 | #1 | #2

First written in Jul 2023, with minor edits and commentary in May 2024
(recovery is non-linear, but it will get better)

[May 2024: Enough about silly trivialities like men and love, boring! Let’s yap about ME! Specifically, my psycho ass side. Reviving the mental health logs for my fans!]

ZOU

Since my first post, I’m delighted to report that things have been looking up for me! I am still waiting to be connected with a psychologist, though (something about waiting time and accessibility of mental health services in Singapore…)

In the meantime, here’s a list of things that have helped me get through a recent depressive episode. They read like notes from a textbook, but there’s nothing quite like a hands-on experience.

Coming to terms with it all. Simply accepting that I did (and maybe always will) have a problem liberated me to focus on addressing it rather than being trapped in the quandary of self-doubt. [May 2024: Still psycho! But so happy.]

Social support and companionship. Many friends reached out after they saw my earlier post. Two aspects stood out — a lack of judgement and an affirmation that they would stand by me. In the weeks since none of them has treated me differently. We went out, played, and gossiped about nonsense as usual. I will always be grateful for them.

  • My partner has also been enormously supportive (well, he has always been), listening to my issues and being a staunch voice of reason whenever my spirals strike. He’s also been willing to communicate his challenges in his role as a “mental health caregiver”, which has helped us better navigate our difficult periods together. It’s important to care for your caregivers too!
me n my cuties

Taking a step back and reappraising. Throughout university, I’ve been compelled to prove myself by achieving “success”. My blog was literally named Gwyn’s Guides to Success (it is now Gwyn’s Playground to mirror my newfound commitment to enjoying life). [May 2024: it is now baby g’s diary. Character development!]

  • I wanted to get better grades, take up more leadership roles, engage in more extracurriculars, volunteer more, build more connections, write more papers, have my Prof like me more… the list went on. Talk about an unabashedly narrow (but not uncommon) definition of success. Put them together, and lo and behold, you have an amorphous ideal self unattainable by design. Goals became imperatives that incessantly berated me for not being enough regardless of what I did — like having the consciousness of a toxic tiger parent implanted in your brain.
  • I hit a turning point when my supervisor pointed out that my mental health was taking a toll on my work and that she was genuinely concerned. It was one hell of a “oh, wow, cool” moment (she broke character for me!) I was in such bad shape I could barely function at work, much less recognise that I was floundering. In the following days, I gave more thought to what I wanted (something I hadn’t done in a long time because I was fixated on getting through the motions). Sure, getting a Master’s degree is ~cool~, but I don’t need to destroy myself over it.
  • The same goes for other projects. At the end of the day, a commitment is something you willingly give your time to… so you don’t need to put in any more effort than you can or want to. To paraphrase a quote from another mental health advocate: you can’t water the grass when your well is dry.
  • Shoutout to the book Four Thousand Weeks: Time Management for Mortals on this topic. [May 2024: Sweetheart? Please mail it back to me.] The big idea: life is short, you can’t do everything, so embrace finitude and enjoy the moment, darling. As long as you’ve lived a life you thought was worthwhile, what does it matter what others think? In the grand scheme of things, it really doesn’t. Life goes on with or without you. If a good life to me consists of reading manga and writing a personal blog in my spare time that nobody reads(!), then so be it.

Focusing on the things I love, for me. I’ve gotten back into the habit of reading, and you won’t believe this — writing! Similarly, I’m doing things for myself, because I want to, not only because it brings me to some societally-approved end. Some nights, I play Civilization VI over Discord with my friends and then chomp on garlic cheese prata with my family into the wee hours, ignoring the thought that I have a lot of work to do the next day. LOL. Of course, I’ve had to strike a balance because work never ends, but these little moments have made all the difference.

  • So get yourself some self-care. Take the time to recharge, and then move onto great things when you’re ready — if you want to, because you don’t have to!
well, are they?

Taking breaks. There’s only so much work you can do in a day. When you pare it down based on energy levels, you’ll realise that most work is not urgent or even important. When I’m stressed, I ask myself: what is the worst that could happen if I mess up this tiny ass task? Or miss a deadline because I’m overwhelmed? So what? It really isn’t worth all that stress. Go take a nap.

wahoo!

Breaking down things. Based on behavioural activation in CBT. Can’t beat your brain? Hack it.

  • Just be 1% better than yesterday.
  • Committing to the basics, whether you like it or not. Routines, baby!
  • I asked a friend over mahjong recently — what is your life purpose? It’s been a long-running preoccupation of mine stemming from the idea that I need to identify some sort of bigger calling to motivate myself to get up every day. He sagely retorted that it’s “not a good question and only stresses you out”.
  • Instead, focus on one small thing at a time to keep you looking forward to tomorrow. So that’s what I’m doing. It’s the small things… but they add up to make a good life.
    • I am eagerly anticipating the premiere of Dune Part 2 this November (okay, it’s been postponed to March 2024) [May 2024: it was better than I could ever imagine.]
    • And for Volume 3 of my favourite manga to be released in English [May 2024: I flirted my way into getting a Japanese copy because I couldn’t wait. I’d do it again! <3]
    • I am looking forward to the holiday trips I’ll have this year.
    • I am excited to master Japanese and get my JLPT N1 certification! Maybe in 5 years, LOL.

[May 2024: Well, so much has happened since. I’m sure 2023 Gwyn would have been proud of 2024 baby g. I definitely am! Hehe. I love you.]

altered states

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i dreamt of you, finally.

you told me you met the greatest love of your life, yet your voice cracked ever so slightly, and your smile was a little twisted.

you didn’t have to tell me; i know it was merely a matter of time. i hope you hold onto her tight and give her all the love she deserves, and her to you.

why were we standing facing each other again?

of all things, i remember the embrace of your arms in the quiet dark — it’s not been the same since. my cheek nestled in the nook of your neck, the steady whisper of your breath on my forehead. you would always fall asleep first — softly, calmly, the rise and fall of your chest signalling the transition to an altered state of consciousness.

one, two, three, four.

i would catch up to you later, lingering in that liminal space where nothing else mattered; it was just you and me. even when we had to wake up eventually, even when you would unconsciously turn your back to me in time.

i love you, i love you.

indeed, in an altered state, you will always be mine.

PREP – who’s got you singing again

on sleeping (with) disorders

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I was recently diagnosed with a sleep disorder – and I couldn’t be happier about it.

But before I share why, let me tell my story.

I have a circadian rhythm disorder, which means my body clock is out of sync with my environment. Specifically, I have delayed sleep phase disorder (DSPD), where my body clock is misaligned with conventional sleep-wake hours. I also have idiopathic hypersomnia – a fancy way of saying I sleep a lot more than the average person, but it’s not clear why.

me, forced to sleep, thinking of society’s expectations

Neither diagnosis was surprising to me.

Since adolescence, I’ve struggled with sleeping and waking. I had an inkling something was wrong after I was nearly debarred from one 9am class in polytechnic for oversleeping every lecture. I attempted to seek treatment in 2017 but gave up after finding no leads and later becoming preoccupied with university.

tnks N rgards…

Uni offered a flexibility that kept my condition dormant (there’s a reason I’m in academia). But recent events have reminded me that the flexibility I’ve enjoyed will not last forever. Besides, my haphazard way of life could do with some improvement. That resolution brought me to the doctor’s office, a sleep study, and where we are now.

So what’s the deal, really?

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