prioritise, persist, and you will win the war — even if defeat looms in the current battle
Category: personal philosophy
big bad wolf
i love being surrounded by sharks. eat me up and spit me out, baby — your bite marks define me
gwyn’s hyperoptimised guide to dating, #7.5 (on commitment)
in this series: #1 (#1.5) | #2 | #3 (#3.5) | #4 | #5 (#5.5) | #6 | #7 (#7.5) | #8?
Extension of #7 — and I think there will be more, unfortunately (Kopi Date is in trouble!)
On Commitment
To commit to a romantic relationship is to pledge yourself to someone, possibly for life. You are investing your already limited time and energy into someone else and a relationship.
The implications of this decision are enormous:
- It is an opportunity cost (the loss of total control of your time, of the opportunities to date others, of a particular flirtatious kind of freedom, etc);
- It dramatically raises the potential for sunk costs: for young people, we are trading what might be the best years of our lives for the inherent uncertainty of love.
As such, commitment cannot be careless; it is a decision that must withstand interrogation.
I’m not interested in why we commit — philosophers have done that better — but rather how we can most effectively determine who to commit to from a selection pool.
As You Are, As I Am
My man accepts my “wild” side (if “society” deems it so, I guess; who is to say what?). This includes my past (debauchery galore) and my online self — which, really, are only slices of a whole.
It’s funny because some people consider me uncontrollable; they assume so from my public persona. Perchance. But anyone who reads this blog consistently (is that you?) should know I am compulsively logical. He recognised this, somehow. In contrast, the men who preceded him either did not make this vital connection or, even if they did, decided that the deal wasn’t worth pursuing.
Maybe he saw something in me early on that the others couldn’t. Or he just happened to be mentally resilient (or unhinged) enough to decide that the pros I brought to his table outweighed the cons.
Either way, he understands that I am more than what I display on the surface.
And so, he gets to eat cake: he gets my good, reasonable, controlled side.
Yes! I’m not that crazy around him in person!
- First, I am pretty emotionally stable around others out of respect for them (surprise!; I learned over the years. Sorry to my exes, though, really!…).
- Second, because he keeps me grounded. One time, I spilt wine on my keyboard. He hardly blinked before offering to buy me a new one. Another time, it was his turn to spill something, to his mortification. I didn’t get mad because what would be the point? I focused on scouring for cleaning agents instead…
It’s a circular problem: for someone to trust and show you more, you must believe they are more — even when they haven’t fully revealed themselves. I believe that this ability to trust someone before the fact is the solution to the “dating problem”; it distinguishes secure (and successful) daters.
I don’t typically expect people to give me so much benefit of the doubt.
But he did, and that’s why he won.
Power Dynamics
Power permeates everything, including relationships. What kind of power dynamics do you like? Equal, less, or more? There are no right or wrong answers, but it says much about you and what you seek.
The taming of the shrew
Remember the astrologist who interpreted my brattiness as “taking an anti-authoritarian stance to test the authority of the people around me to determine who I could trust”? (Huh? Many word for simple concept.)
Yes and no.
I do act bratty to mess around with others, and it’s my default mode because why not? It’s fun watching y’all squirm.
- By the way, I don’t test authority for the fun of it. I challenge people and environments only when I think there’s room for improvement (or when they are WRONG!). I just seem testy all the time because well, I think many things can be bettered, including myself.
But I’m more than willing to be mellow with the people I care about.
- That’s what taming a brat really means. Contrary to popular belief in the style of predators like Andrew Tate, you don’t tame a brat by asserting your dominance over her through force or Master/Alpha roleplay nonsense. The more you try to dominate, the less power you have because it reveals your insecurities (and on god, men have so many insecurities).
- You tame a brat by meeting her at eye level — by respecting her as an equal. You do not choose; you are chosen.
And that’s what he and I are = equals, or so I think. He does not look at me like a hunter. What we have is not a game; it is a partnership.
Equality in partnerships
If you start off looking for a partner as someone you can control, you will find them — but the two of you will start with an imbalanced dynamic that corrupts all you are.
But here’s an interesting thought: I suspect everyone (secure) fundamentally seeks an equal partnership. We just don’t see it clearly sometimes.
Consider the following. I want equal emotional contribution, for sure — for him to love me as much I love him. But I’d be happy if he was financially dominant (and why wouldn’t anyone be, including men with richer wives?). No shame in acknowledging I have always wanted a man with a provider mentality; it’s how I was raised (I love my daddy darling), and I don’t see an issue with it.
Considering my self-sufficiency, I recognised this desire was silly, but no epiphany precludes the joy of being provided for. I enjoy it because I see it as an act of love. And he’s willing to show me love that way because it makes him happy. That’s what it boils down to, finances and future prospects aside — an alignment in giving and taking.
Now you might think I am self-contradicting: what is all this talk about equality if you want to have your cake (him to give equally emotionally) and eat it too (him to give more financially)? Wait la.
The second thing is that power dynamics fluctuate across domains. Emotional contribution, social dominance, and financial status can differ widely in a relationship.
If time is money, and he gives me money, then I’m willing to give more of my time. I’m more than happy to manage the household — such as buying things to make his life easier before he even realises he needs them, or making our home a welcoming place for him to return to. And please don’t say that it’s so much easier to manage a household; just look at men in their dormitories.
- The above example just happens to be gendered, as all things inevitably are, and as some people unfortunately cannot distinguish from actual inequality like the second shift. If I were working the same hours as him, he’d better be cooking, cleaning, and babying too. Or goodbye!
If he buys me a cake, I feed him with it. That’s how equality is achieved in a relationship — it happens when all domains are holistically integrated.
Feelings of trust and safety
Your body is excellent at putting together things that don’t add up. It’s so good, in fact, that it can do so way before your mind ever gets to it.
That’s why sometimes you have a nagging doubt that you can’t explain until later with the benefit of hindsight. The mind is fantastic at rationalising, which is to explain away inconsistencies with logic.
But your body can’t because it doesn’t “think” similarly. When your body senses a problem, it will force you to confront it every night when all the world’s distractions have subsided, and you’re left alone with your thoughts.
I will note that with my man, I sleep like a log in his arms. I feel safe. Sounds dandy and all but safety takes work to get to before your body will accept it. It entails a subconscious recognition that in this moment, you have given whatever you are willing to, and they have reciprocated in kind. It doesn’t mean there are no longer secrets, but you have accepted that what you have right now is enough.
There are even gradations to this. For the love of excessive detail, I can rank how safe I felt with men based on how my body responded when we slept together (non-sexually). I will go as far as to say your feelings when you lie beside someone are an accurate snapshot of your feelings towards them.
| Level of safety | Sleeping behaviour | Snapshot assessment |
| None | NA – I am sleeping alone. Goodnight! | Stay away from me 🙂 |
| Little | We may sleep side by side but not touch each other. I stay wide awake for a long time — if I even fall asleep in the first place. | I feel empty, and his presence almost makes it worse. |
| Medium | I might hold his arm or something at most. I take a while to fall asleep. | I’m undecided about him. His presence is cool but not necessarily value-adding to my life (or sleep). |
| High | He wraps his arms around me, and I nestle my cheek in the crook of his neck. I fall asleep quickly and sleep soundly through the night. | I feel content. What we have is good enough. |
It’s also about inferring your partner’s intention and deciding if it works for you. When I intuit that a man is just there for my body, in the sense that he has no care for me as a person, my physical self instinctively recoils. I can’t stand the thought of touching him, much less falling asleep around him.
- So, despite my mythical ability to compartmentalise love and sex, even I only slept with men I trusted at the time. Not necessarily as potential lovers, but at least as another human being who seemed to respect me (and found me hot). Regardless of what you think, babygirl has standards, OK? I think to make any exception would be disrespecting myself.
- That’s also why I don’t regret anything I did with them, even if I never want to be associated with them again. My acceptance is borne from trust in my past self — that she did what felt right, knowing what was appropriate then. Even if she did not make the best decision for me now, in hindsight, she could not have known the future; how can I blame her?
Consistency (and lovebombing)
Players, lovebombers, whatever
Early on — and let it be said that it is still early — I wondered if my man was lovebombing me.
My definition of a lovebomber is when:
- They make premature proclamations of love. An essential criterion to catch a sinner, but insufficient.
- Not a problem per se because time is relative. Who is to say how fast a relationship should and can develop? Sure, you need time to know someone, but do we make decisions based on all the available evidence? (If you think so, you’re wrong.)
- The definitive sign of a lovebomber is when their actions do not line up with their proclamations.
- I particularly detest men who make promises they do not keep. Your inability to follow through screams two things: 1) you lack accountability for your words; 2) you are careless with the trust that others put in you. Both are not even red flags; they are black. If you cannot fulfill a single promise made early on, how can I count on you for anything in the future?
- This is also why in seeking to understand someone, you look at what they do, not what they say.
Suppose their actions line up with their proclamations for the trial period. Unfortunately, the test is not over; it will never be. The next challenge, now and forever, is consistency.
Consistency is key
I suspect that the most critical challenge all relationships face is consistency over time. Unleashing a barrage of sweet fawning in a relationship’s honeymoon phase is easy. Maintaining this affection over several years, after all the love dust has settled in the spaces between, is hard.
Maybe that’s why my friends told me not to give everything initially. Because once you show all your cards, you only have the option of withdrawing or persisting.
That being said, the human tendency to throw oneself onto the battlefield during the infatuation phase is an invaluable tool to determine who is worth keeping. As I argued, if they do not love you given some time, what makes you think they will do so later?
Barring major upheavals, love is most intense at the beginning. If you’re lucky, this love plateaus in time — giving way to consistency.
If you’re not lucky — it dies.
Good, bad, double-edged swords (are we bandits now?)
One thing I’ve learnt from my past relationships (and the advice of women wiser than myself, such as my Mami) is that where there is good, there will be bad. All traits in a partner are double-edged swords.
Fun examples:
- If you want to date a hot girl who gives spectacular head, you must accept that she’s a little crazy and that you’ll never be able to fully control her.
- If you want to date an “accomplished” and ambitious man willing to provide, you must accept that he likes to be in control most of the time.
My man likes to be the one ordering the food. Past me might have felt like my place at the table (?) was threatened. LOL. But we look at the bigger picture. Simply because he orders doesn’t mean my opinion is irrelevant. He always orders what I like and doesn’t tell me what to eat, ever — he merely informs the waiter on my behalf. And hell, if it makes him happy, why not?
Again, it’s all about give and take. I always want garlic kang kong for my veggie fix. But if we’ve eaten kang kong two days in a row, I’m happy to eat some potato leaves since I know he likes them more.
A relationship sails when you can tolerate the bad in light of the good.
You don’t really want any specific person. You want an idea of a person. You project your ideals onto potential lovers. If they fit that criteria, you will love them; you find that they’re enough; you settle. You are looking for the one, but it turns out there are many ones — that’s why you can move on and love again. It’s not the end of the world if someone doesn’t want you; you’ll find someone else, and you’ll love like you’ve never done before.
On commitment: ask, demand the very best you deserve, be willing to give in return, and you shall receive.
This post is dedicated to my future husband.
Happy Monthsary! The road ahead is long, but I hope we’ll make it together.
Even if we don’t — I want you to know I love you.
in this series: #1 (#1.5) | #2 | #3 (#3.5) | #4 | #5 (#5.5) | #6 | #7 (#7.5)
gwyn’s guide to hyperoptimised dating, #6 (heartbreaks and goodbyes)
in this series: #1 (#1.5) | #2 | #3 (#3.5) | #4 | #5 (#5.5) | #6 | #7 (#7.5)
Good Night, Sleep Tight, Don’t Let the Loverboys Bite
Who’s Next on the Hitlist Tonight?
Here are some guidelines I used when deciding to sever a connection. These apply to both texting and in-person behaviour. All are inherently subjective, so make your own decisions.
- Perceiving a lack of interest on their end
- Inconsistent or a lack of replies over a prolonged period without acceptable justification
- For men I hadn’t met, I observed them over 3-5 working days before deciding. They don’t owe me anything, but I can sure decide when they didn’t like me enough.
- For men I slept with, I gave them 24 hours before culling. The shorter time frame is because a man who likes you will demonstrate intensified interest immediately. Don’t make excuses for them like oh, but men are rational, so maybe he needs some time to think. Men do not sleep with women and become infatuated with them because they’re rational creatures; it’s precisely the lack thereof that drives them. Diminished interest means it’s over because they only wanted one thing, and you’ve given it to them.
- One-word replies, dry texts, perceived difficulty in sustaining a convo despite attempts (it’s not worth it)
- Not seeming interested in your day
- If they’re only talking about themselves all the time like hello what about me
- Inconsistent or a lack of replies over a prolonged period without acceptable justification
- Predominantly sexual conversations to the detriment of other, far more interesting, topics
- Actions that do not align with their words — especially broken promises
- If they ask for anything that crosses your boundaries.
- Example: At least three men shared with me one behaviour in girls that they consider off-putting: expecting him to travel to her place to pick her up before travelling to the destination together and accompanying her home afterwards. Of course, it was expected that the poor man would pay for all expenses. I don’t agree with this either. But see the next example.
- Another thought-provoking example: beliefs about who should pay on the first date. I’m not ashamed to say that I fall into the camp that the man should pay — it’s an (admittedly gendered) way for me to suss out who values me. I acknowledge and respect that not all men agree, and this precisely works to my advantage: I had a hidden rule that if a man asked me to pay, he would be permanently DQed. No exceptions. Not that any of them asked me to go Dutch (or y’all would so know it), but the point is that specifying what you want improves search outcomes. Everyone has exclusionary criteria. Sorry if it hurts your feelings though.
- Final example for the sake of controversy: two men asked me for head via text. I played along with one and shut down the other. (FYI: neither got it.) The only difference was in how long we had known each other. It boils down to accurately assessing your partner’s boundaries at the moment and knowing how to best accommodate them (signs of EQ). This is an ongoing process as boundaries are continually negotiated as a relationship develops.
In summary: drop if they are anything less than you think you deserve (given that you know your own worth).
The Art of Saying Goodbye
In babygirl’s humble opinion, good and clean breaks have the following characteristics. They:
- Are respectful of the other person. This means NO personal attacks. Even if you think they’re trash, write it in your diary (hehe) or sob to your friends, but don’t tell them.
- Focus on your perception of the relationship, not the person
- State simply that you have concluded the two (or more) of you are incompatible, and briefly state the reasons that led you to this conclusion
- Imply that the decision is final and non-negotiable
- [Optional: if you want to keep them in your life as friends, indicate so. But you MUST give them a choice to take up your offer or not].
- Wishing them the best in their love quest and life
Based on the above, a sample template for saying goodbye:
hey, i don’t think we’re going to work out. we’re not aligned on some fundamental aspects (e.g. values, goals in life) / i just feel we don’t like each other enough — i’m sure you understand. but thank you for having given your time to me; i enjoyed our connection immensely.
[i really like what we have though and i still want to be friends with you. but that’s entirely up to you, and you can take as long as you need to decide.]
i really hope that you find the love you deserve, because you do deserve it.
source: the lovergirl in me. adapt to your style or whatever
All of my goodbyes with my dates went something like this and ended on a relatively positive note. There was no face-tearing, at least. In the game of love, we have no time for hard feelings.
A well-crafted goodbye will be accepted without question by a secure counterpart. It will also neutralise any player energy that the person might have had.
Please do not ghost them if you have at least bonded somewhat. That is pathetic behaviour and hurts everyone. Get them out of your mind pronto and help them do the same.
The Art of Receiving Goodbyes
You may be surprised (I’m joking), but I have been rejected too. What matters is not who has rejected who (instant gratification aside) but how you learn from the experience.
So how do we do so?
- Ask for feedback if you are unsure why you were DQed. I brazenly asked “so why am I not a good fit for you?” after one of them told me I was not what he was looking for. He was surprised at my directness, but he was nice enough to share that I was too emotionally volatile for him. I did not agree, but I did not attempt to defend myself or lecture him otherwise. I accepted it, thanked him for his time, and wished him the best. I then did some intense self-reflection and refined my Hinge profile to filter out men like him. LOL
- Manage your emotions. Absolutely critical. You must not enter another relationship until you have processed your thoughts and feelings with the previous one. Of course, I had a good cry sometimes when things didn’t work out with my handsome boys. And then I got over them and moved on in a few days. I think it helps to remember that none of it is personal. The both of you just happened to be incompatible; you were not what they were looking for, but that doesn’t say anything about your worth as a person. You remain valid and worthy of love.
I’m Only Gonna Break, Break Your, Break, Break Your Heart (Sorry)
Back to Basic (Instincts)
Girls have choices sexually. Men have choices romantically. It’s just stacked that way. Note the intimate connection with mate selection criteria — women are rewarded for their attractiveness, while men are rewarded for their status.
I realised I could sleep with any guy I wanted, even those out of my league marriage-wise. (OK la, small sample size, maybe the 9th man would have turned me down. We’ll never know!) Hell, I have so much power I could choose not to, and there is nothing they can do about it. Men have zero sexual bargaining power when it comes to facing off against an equally attractive woman, ceteris paribus.
- Sidetrack: this is why it’s so funny to me when men slut-shame women on social media; they don’t realise it reveals more about them than the women they’re trying to bring down. Like, bro, chilé. We get it. You’re not getting laid, and you hate yourself, so you’re taking it out on women you cannot have. We know you would sleep with her if you could. But here’s the thing — you can’t. And now, because you outed yourself, everyone knows it. Get therapy instead.
But here’s the catch. I make it sound like sex is a woman’s advantage, but it really means nothing. Sexual attractiveness gets you into the bullfighting ring, but that’s all it does. The bull will kill you regardless if you don’t know what you’re doing. Even if you come prepared — you could still get shredded to pieces.
Men will not love you because you’re good in bed. In fact, the prevailing pattern I’ve observed is that men love women in spite of them not being good in bed. Legit let that SINK IN for a moment. Because men can compartmentalise love and sex, the former ironically supersedes the latter in their search for a wife. The same goes for women, although there are no surprises there.
To all my readers: they might like you if you’re hot, but you’ll just be put in the “fuckable” compartment of their cupboard and left there. Listen and remember: if you were not pre-categorised into the “potential partner” section, you will never make it there. Put differently, the friendzone (or the fuckzone, I guess) is a finality, not a place to challenge others’ boundaries.
Do NOT regale me with tales of how Some Mediocre Man/Woman realised their errors after Some Devoted Woman/Man was consistent and always there for them (rolls eyes). Put yourself first. NO ONE IS WORTH MORE THAN YOU. We are not looking for someone who at the end of the day “settles” for you because they couldn’t find something better. Ew. You should’ve been their #1 from the start. If they are emotionally unavailable to reciprocate, that’s not your problem. You go out there and look for someone who deserves you.
Be deathly wary of people who say that they want you (back) because you’ve changed or grown as a person. First, do you only like my current version because I’m good enough for you now? So what was I before? If I change in the future into something you don’t like, are you going to drop me then? Second, if you have indeed grown, there is virtually no reason to return to your past, especially the people left there. They are there for a reason.
- Inevitable exceptions to the rule: I have seen some couples who have made it out of the friendzone territory. But when I look at them, I’m not sure… I guess it’s an ego thing on my part. I could never accept being settled for. I’d think that shadow would hang over me and my view of the relationship for the rest of my life. Then again, it’s your life, your preferences, and your choice. And if you’ve reached a point where you’re secure in yourself and your partner’s love, what is there to complain about?
Back to the girls: I hate to say this — I genuinely, sincerely do — but you have to err on the side of caution. While not every man is like this, you must assume that they are only out for your body and will throw you away after they are done. If you are not ready for this possibility and discarding them in the same fashion when the time comes, do not sleep with them.
DO NOT EVER — EVER! — degrade yourself by attempting to use sex to keep a man around. If you can only remember one thing from this post this is it. I find the one “degrade” very distasteful because it’s often thrown around as a pejorative to demean women who are sexually liberated (AND SUCCESSFUL!). But when you disrespect yourself to keep someone around, you’ve completely lost the game.
All of the above also applies to emotions.
If someone does not love you fully given some time, I don’t think they ever will. I don’t believe that love grows in that sense; it can only be cultivated to persist. Unfortunately, matters of the heart are just like that. You can’t change someone’s heart no matter how many times you try — if they cannot give you their 100% despite their best efforts and yours, the two of you are doomed from the beginning.
There are no guarantees either: they could tell you they love you today and disappear tomorrow. The only thing we can do for ourselves if they waver is to leave.
You need to act like — you need to know — that you deserve the world to receive it in return. And if they can’t give it to you, the door is right there.
But you must also be ready to give your everything. You must be willing to give your time and effort to build a connection with another without expecting any return. You must be willing to hurt so much that you can only lie on the bed incapacitated, only to finally bring yourself to sit down on a chair and start sobbing like a baby.
There are limits to my guides. I can help you minimise the chances of meeting bad actors or insecure people, but that’s all I can do.
Neither you nor I can ultimately control your chances of meeting someone who will love you for who you are.
That being said, don’t forget to look around you. Your family, your friends — haven’t you seen the look in their eyes when you laugh? Even acquaintances and strangers, when you catch up after a long while, or when they stop to do you a little favour for nothing in return. Love actually is all~ around~
Time to~ Say Goodbye~
Ah, we’ve finally come to the chronological end of this series (but you never know!). What a wild ride it’s been! So much debauchery and so many epiphanies!
True to the # of this guide, I met six men from Hinge. Every one of them taught me something that I’d like to thank them for:
- #1 (Gang Member) — for showing me new perspectives on love
- #2 (Still Waters) — for showing me the limits of love
- #3 (Sweetheart) — for showing me when love is and isn’t enough
- #4 (Captain) — for showing me what love feels like
- #5 (Just Guy #5, sorry) — for showing me what love isn’t
- #6 (My Husband) — for showing me what it means to love and be loved completely.
Special mention for baby d and Grab Extraordinaire. It’s a pity — I mean it — but somehow I accept that it was meant to be this way. It is what it is. And Little Tiger — Nando’s soon!
I will remember the love I had for you, always, always.
in this series: #1 (#1.5) | #2 | #3 (#3.5) | #4 | #5 (#5.5) | #6 | #7 (#7.5)
gwyn’s guide to hyperoptimised dating, #5.5 (on players)
in this series: #1 (#1.5) | #2 | #3 (#3.5) | #4 | #5 (#5.5) | #6 | #7 (#7.5)
love is not a game — and we will strike down anyone who acts as if it is
babygirl affirmations (author: me)
Supplement to guide #5, as promised. Today, we delve into the psychology of players — those pesky distractions in your Love Quest that steer you away from your path, promising great rewards only to leave you stranded with nothing.
Or so I’d say, if only things were that simple.
My observations tell me that people are tempted to reduce players to one-dimensional creatures — selfishly motivated barbarians with limited capacity for self-reflection and sophisticated emotion.
I argue that this is not true. Selfish, yes, but everything else, no. In this piece, we will strip them, layer by layer (haha), to establish my argument.
You might be thinking: OK, sis, pretty prose and all, but why extend grace to these clowns when they are out only to hurt you and waste your time?
The primary reason is that understanding them helps you to grow.
When you dissect and decipher a player’s psyche, you will see what they really are: a timid child desperate to be loved not knowing how to go about it, who inadvertently hurts others in the process.
They’re just like you, and they’re just like me.
When you come to terms with this image of them, you will sympathise with — and maybe even forgive — them for why and how they hurt you. After all, would you blame a child for causing you pain, if you knew they didn’t know better?
And only then can you let go for real — to become the person you were destined to be without them.
The secondary reason is that you can put them in their place when you understand them. I think of it as my contribution to the world. 😛
The Ivory Guards, or Two (Exceptionally Intimate) Case Studies
Prior to meeting my future husband, two men in particular were formative to my personal growth. I think of them as the guardians of the gates to Paradise, forged in ivory, iridescent and brittle. Together, they helped me discover the maxims of players (supposedly) that I will cover.
I deconstruct their psyches using their behavioural patterns I observed during our entanglements. So, yes, this is an exercise in psychological analysis. Even if psychologists can’t read your mind, I sure can try.
I am oversharing insofar as I believe there are lessons for my readers to take away, but you make of it what you will. Also, it’s a form of closure for me. I doubt I’ll ever write about them again following this post because I’ve taken everything I could from them. It’s time for me to move on, too.
A forewarning because the possibility of them reading this is never zero (I adore you, my orbiters): you will not like what’s coming. You may disagree with my interpretations, and that’s okay — either way, you ultimately have no say because you relinquished your privilege the moment you disrespected me as a fellow human being. Typically, I would offer my loverboys the possibility of taking it down if they were uncomfortable, but no such option will be offered this time.
Why? Because you shouldn’t be here.
What you can take away from the following, though, is that this is an attempt to implode whatever relationship we had or might still have. I don’t write without anticipating the consequences.
I wish you the best, nonetheless.
Ivory Guard A
- Context/identifier: We had a prior friendship. He reached out to me to restart, and I reciprocated. We both acknowledged that we were not in good emotional places then.
- Bond: We had an intense connection, so I believed then, which he later admitted. I understood and could read him.
- Green flags:
- He respected my boundaries (for the most part), which is why I gave him so many chances. Yes, the bar was low.
- Orange flags:
- He would never directly admit his feelings for me. I started noticing it in the small things like him refusing to acknowledge I was hot or skirting the topic when I teased if he was obsessed with me, even though all signs were flashing in that direction. I did not like that, because why do I have to slave away like a dog for your approval when I could get it elsewhere easily? But I persisted, trusting that he would eventually trust me enough to overcome his insecurities.
- He carelessly made promises he did not keep. Don’t make promises if you cannot follow through.
- How he messed up: He ghosted me out of nowhere a month into our budding relationship, which involved a substantial amount of flirting (i.e., me saying whatever I wanted) and whatever tension.
- By the way, people do not accidentally mess up stuff like this. Severing a relationship is always deliberate; hence, no justification will ever be enough.
- My response: I was first confused, then upset and hurt. I double-texted him twice, gave up, and took a month to move on.
- Whiplash era (when the power dynamics inverted):
- He kept watching my stories even as he maintained his refusal to reply me. I was further aggravated when I noticed — accurately — that he would like the stories that he believed were referring to him. That was top-of-the-line manipulative behaviour, and it disgusted me.
- It didn’t have the effect he intended, though, because our king did not realise that babygirl here had options and already had someone else (of course). LOL. So all his behaviour only resulted in my amusement to no end.
- I engaged in retaliatory offense by kindly informing him (through public means since I knew he was watching) that I was not, in fact, talking about him.
- He proceeded to
- Call me in the middle of the night, possibly drunk (I did not notice because I was wilding out with my friends), before deleting the evidence the next morning
- Text me to apologise, which I accepted
- Ask me to go back to him, to which I said no
- Ask me to go back to him again, to which I said no again
- Psychological breakdown:
- I found closure once I figured his behaviour stemmed from him being a coward (at that time, OK; he’s grown since). He did not know what he wanted and needed time to figure it out. I wouldn’t have minded, really, but what disappointed me the most was that he did not respect me enough to inform me that he needed that time and space alone.
- In essence I was treated as an option he thought he could return to whenever he wanted. He thought I would wait for him. But my universe doesn’t revolve around you, you know. I doubt he realised this initially, but the moment he distanced himself, he could never again return to me. Above all, that was the dealbreaker, along with him thinking he could toy with my feelings with his orbiting behaviour. I told you I would win if you dared play games with me, and you still did.
- My readers might think I’m delusional, so let me note that all of my observations above were validated when he apologised and asked me to return to him. Our only difference in interpretation was that I thought we were never together.
- Cumulative emotional impact: I never cried over him.
- I dedicate Santorini to him.
Ivory Guard B
- Context/identifier: We met at a party. I forgot about him following the party, but he caught my attention when he initiated contact later. We agreed to meet before he ghosted me for a good month. (What’s with players and months?) But he pulled the sympathy card and said he could explain himself, so I listened, maybe because I wanted to see the good in him, or because I was naïve. Turns out he had recently broken up with his longtime girlfriend, whom he loved deeply (I could tell) but had a volatile relationship with. They had a dead bedroom, which is notable for two reasons: 1) it is a death knell in a romantic relationship, and 2) see psychological breakdown below.
- Bond: In retrospect, we had nothing real. Most of what I felt towards him was rooted in my projections of what he could be, perhaps because he looked like an angel. But a pretty face is just that (since we’re already at this level of disclosure, I might as well say the men I met on Hinge subsequently put him and me to shame). I’ll never know what’s inside his shell; maybe I wouldn’t have liked it, and I suspect now that I probably wouldn’t.
- Green flags: none (!)
- Orange flags:
- From the very beginning, he only seemed interested in my body. But see psychological breakdown below.
- He also carelessly made promises he did not keep. By then, I was wise enough to know that the moment he broke our promise — we even did the pinky seal! — I was nothing to him.
- How he messed up: He insinuated that we could be something more. Then I slept with him, and then he proceeded to withdraw rapidly in the days that followed.
- I had not realised this yet, but looking back, I would still have slept with him even if he had been honest that he had no clue what he wanted. I knew from the moment I saw him again. Indeed, he was the one who taught me to compartmentalise sex and love. I realised that if I didn’t do so, I was setting myself up for a world of pain.
- And in case you guys think I am a damn homewrecker: I have principles, OK. I ascertained that they were separated before I slept with him, and I would not have done so otherwise. Their relationship is doomed either way: even if he returns to her in the future, they will not be happy together.
- My response: I did not pursue the relationship and let the conversation peter out, as he intended. If he didn’t want me enough, I would respect his decision. Later, in my Hinge era, I would decisively inform men that they didn’t like me enough and end our liaison, but I didn’t do so with him. It doesn’t matter because the outcome would’ve been the same.
- Interestingly, my predominant emotion was disappointment more than sadness, unlike with Guard A. It was more like, oh, he’s just like the others. Haha, oh well.
- Whiplash era (when the power dynamics inverted):
- He continued watching my stories even when it was clear we were nothing (ugh, why do they all do this), which annoyed me. What do you want from me? It was affecting me, so I blocked him. I realised I had moved on when I was zoning out one fine afternoon and couldn’t recall his name.
- So I unblocked him since he didn’t matter anymore. And guess who came back that night? Let me note here that he is an aggressive orbiter. When you block and unblock someone, they automatically unfollow you. He was not following me anymore, which meant he was actively searching for my profile and watching my stories. If that’s not preoccupation, what is?
- At some point, more than anything, I felt sorry for him. I don’t know why he was still hanging around. (Maybe I was too hot to let go?) But I wasn’t going to help him by blocking him. I did write to my orbiters to him as a final grace — it was written for my orbiters in general, but he leads the pack. You can be the alpha male in this case if you like being one so much, baby.
- I believe he read it because he stopped watching my stories after that. I might be overthinking, but the timing was too coincidental.
- Psychological breakdown:
- Though not necessarily with me, I suspect he was looking for love (surprise!!!). To be brutally specific, I think he was seeking love via sex because he did not know how else he could receive love. It was all he had known. He was aware, consciously or not, that his ex-girlfriend did not love him as much as he loved her, and it was staring him in the face every time she denied him sex. Despite knowing this, he could not move on from her. So his compensatory strategy to reaffirm himself as someone worthy of love was to find a replacement — oh look, that’s me!
- I also suspect he has not reached out because I have established in no uncertain terms that I do not want him in my life, not after he betrayed my trust like that. That, or he’s not as optimistic as Guard A. We will never know for sure. But his feelings towards me are irrelevant — the only thing that matters, and has ever mattered, is that he did not act on his feelings at the time.
- Cumulative emotional impact: I never cried over him.
- I dedicate Evergreen to him — the parts that hurt. The lovely parts, I dedicate to my husband.
Players, Deconstructed
I defined players as the following in guide #5:
Players. Typically men. Players are not interested in seeking love with you — they only want sex.
What distinguishes this category of daters is their strategy: they masquerade as the genuinely seeking type, but this is only a ploy to get you in bed.
In other words, they prey on the (female) weakness in conflating love and sex to obtain the latter.
I realise that the definition applies only to Guard B (because I did not sleep with Guard A), and hence it is insufficient. I expand on the definition below, which provides a fuller picture and allows for the inclusion of women — namely, insecure people who date recklessly but fail to commit fully.
Notice how the definition is worded. It assumes that players do not seek love with you. It does NOT mean they do not want love. Put another way, even players desire to be loved. Whether they deserve it from you is an entirely separate matter. The point — and this perspective frames my entire argument — is that almost all of their behaviours can be explained by the fact that they are seeking love.
No player operates outside of the rules. Rather, they have mastered the rules and are exploiting them to their advantage at the expense of others. That is why when we speak of players’ behaviours, it is oftentimes layered with contempt, because we all recognise that they actively hurt others. And don’t think for a moment that they’re unaware of how they’re perceived — anyone with sufficient self-awareness, which is essential to play the game well, knows what other people think of them. Nonetheless, they persist in their maladaptive behaviour because they see no other way forward. This is, in turn, because they have demons they are unwilling to confront.
Players are fundamentally insecure. They want love, but instead of being honest with themselves and others, they inadvertently hurt everyone involved because they cannot bring themselves to do so. Whether the insurmountable barrier is their ego or emotional immaturity, they believe that the risk of honesty outweighs its benefits. Hence, they lie to get what they want, or they engage in escape behaviours when push comes to shove.
Nobody, not even players, can entirely separate sex and love. I have described players as professionals at discriminating between the two, but even they are not invincible. When you sleep with someone, no matter what, you are giving a part of yourself to them forever. This fate is inescapable as long as you are a being with the capacity for an emotional bond. The only exception to this would be if you’re hollow inside — I mean, you can’t give anything when you have nothing. But everyone has something, even if they refuse to admit it. I did, and so did Guard B. That is why he lingered longer than he should have.
For the twentieth time, I could be wrong. But as I have demonstrated repeatedly, I try to see the good in everyone, even men who have hurt me. Love is a boundless resource; it can be given over and over, and it will eventually be returned to you.
When you genuinely love someone, you can ironically break them with it.
Maybe break is the wrong word; rather, if you are willing, you can help them grow with you.
The karmic fate that awaits a player is that because they are paying attention to the wrong things, they are bound to realise, only belatedly, that they let the thing they were looking for all along — unconditional love — slip by unnoticed.
Love is what they need — but won’t ever have — until they come to terms with themselves.
in this series: #1 (#1.5) | #2 | #3 (#3.5) | #4 | #5 (#5.5) | #6 | #7 (#7.5)
to my orbiters
I have a complicated relationship with my orbiters. Their distinguishing feature is that they are men with whom I have been emotionally entangled, who watch my stories but who do not otherwise have any contact with me by their choice. They could DM or text me — I don’t block men I don’t care for — but they do not. I do not consider them friends. Maybe fans, or a little less, because placing them in the same category as my darling fans would be insulting to the latter. Either way, they are a special class of men because I pay much attention to them.
I maintain a level of detachment from them for the sake of my well-being but, nonetheless, am drawn to them like a moth to fire. I am endlessly fascinated by their behaviour as an object of study; I stay transfixed because they are like a puzzle whose pieces are constantly transmogrifying.
As we have clearly established, I love to read too much into human behaviour — it’s an occupational hazard. And I think orbiting behaviour is particularly revealing of desire due to its nature.
Orbiting in the form of story-watching behaviour is a two-way street, at least with insane girls like me. Again, men (and women) are deliberate in their actions. My friends say “maybe he’s just watching your stories because you pop up on his feed (because you post insane shit all the time)”, but are people really that simple? An orbiter does not accidentally watch your stories. They are orbiters because there are fixed patterns to their behaviour; they are there again and again like permanent fixtures. And given how confrontational I am, I know they know that I know they’re watching my stories. It’s like standing with your back to another person in a room of mirrors. You look up at yourself, and then at them, realising that they’re watching you too, even though both of you do not ever move.
This creates a relationship that is simultaneously parasocial and symbiotic. As much as I enjoy their presence, I think they, too, get a high from following my social media — because I feed them in return.
So let me feed you with this post.
Here’s the tall tale I spin in my head because I’m a crazy girl and I can think whatever I want (and I own it 100%!). You’re still here because you realise you messed up your only chance with me. Maybe it’s because you were in a bad place or not emotionally ready; you had not yet found yourself. That’s okay; it doesn’t matter anymore. Either way, you regret that you didn’t seize the chance when you had it.
And you don’t know what to do now, so you linger.
I am not sure what to say in response. You wanted something from me, and you took it, didn’t you? I gave you what you wanted, because I loved you, because I wanted you to be happy, even if the time we had together was so infinitesimal. But no matter what I did, I wasn’t enough for you then, and you made your decision then, split-second or not, calculated or not.
Isn’t this what you wanted?
I could block you but I won’t. Why? Because that would be giving you the easy way out. I’ll be frank: I don’t think you deserve that from me. And I love watching you suffer. Every single time you turn around for a second, third, fourth, fifth look, every single time you come back to me unprompted. The more you hurt me in the past, the more I’ll enjoy it.
Well, or so I thought. Huh? Like I said, I used to love playing games with silly cute boys. But in retrospect, I notice that there would inevitably come a tipping point where my objective ceased to be communicating my feelings for them in the hopes that they would reciprocate. All I wanted was to crush them.
I don’t know who or what to or why I was trying to prove myself, but here’s the thing — I always won, and crush them I did. One of the boys I was intent on breaking (because I felt that he had wronged me) eventually conceded through an apology. But when I saw his text, contrary to my glorious expectations, I didn’t feel a sense of victory. It was more like… ah, we’ve been through so much, haven’t we?
But… what was all of this for?
There was a brief period when I actively attempted to ignore my darling orbiters because I felt they were a waste of my time and emotional bandwidth. (Damn energy vampires.) However, I have since realised (perhaps in a post-hoc justification kind of way) that they were pivotal to my emotional growth.
Take Mr Temasek, for example (if you’re here, hi!!! Did it work out with your ex? Hahahahahaha). One encounter with him stands out; I think it will be all I remember of him in time.
We were seated, facing each other; he asked me what my biggest insecurity was (at that point).
And I was honest with him because I trusted him then: I told him, point blank, that I feared men only saw me for my (hot N sexy) body, even though I was so willing to love them.
For at least a second, I thought I recognized empathy in his pretty eyes — a moment of vulnerability I believed was worth revealing myself for.
And then he proceeded to precisely exploit that insecurity against me, haha.
Well (shrugs). We live and we learn. I was out of commission for a good two months or so thanks to his selfishness (and my weaknesses then; it takes two hands to clap). But he taught me an important emotional lesson, which later helped me find the one. Everything happens for a reason.
This is all much ado about nothing. Like OK sis, what is your point?
So here it is in the spirit of full disclosure. I like to pretend that I’m some harbinger of feminine rage, but surprise — despite everything, insanely, I want you to be happy. In the end, we’re all interconnected. Even if our paths will never cross again (I sure hope they don’t), they did at one point. I did love you.
I can be as delulu as I want, but in the end, I will never know why you’re still here. And I don’t intend to find out; that’s what keeps you endlessly fascinating. We always want the things we cannot have.
I liked to credit the men like the two examples above for being my muses. But I’ve been giving credit to the wrong people. I am like this today, and I could write all of this now, because I opted to learn from my mistakes instead of letting them break my spirit. I grew despite you, but also because of you. I would not be where I am today without you — for better or for worse.
And somehow, I choose better — without you.
You’ve served your purpose in my life. I hope I’ve served mine. So let’s part ways now, for your sake.
Listen to this — it’s the sound of how much I would’ve loved you.
And then let go.
But hey, if you do choose to stay, then watch, watch, watch me.
Because I’m going to dance.
gwyn’s guide to hyperoptimised dating, #4 (first impressions)
in this series: #1 (#1.5) | #2 | #3 (#3.5) | #4 | #5 (#5.5) | #6 | #7 (#7.5)
OK clowns we are back with another instalment hot on the heels of #3 (knowing thyself). Now that you know who you are and what you want, it is time to get out there and DESTROY your opponents.
First, we will hyperoptimise our profiles on dating apps. Then, we will hyperoptimise the “pruning process”, that is, deciding who converts from dating app match -> texting. More in guide #5 later.
What’s in a (Good) Profile?
I only used Hinge, so we’re going to run with that. I didn’t use Tinder because hearsay it’s primarily a hookup app (not that I wouldn’t thrive there), avoided Coffee Meets Bagel because I was afraid people there were too wholesome, and that’s right — no Bumble for me because I don’t chase, I attract! And definitely no Kopi Date because men better pay to meet me, not vice versa. (I’m cackling lol)
Dating apps are exceptionally unforgiving environments; one swipe to the left, and you’re out for good. You only have one chance to impress, which will be determined by your profile.
So some tips based on my observations:
Every photo and every prompt response must illustrate a quirk that distinguishes you as a person from others. Hinge allows for 6 pictures/videos and 3 text prompts and lets you play around with voice recordings and polls, among other things. There’s so much room for experimentation! I have nothing to complain about on their end. But they can only do so much — more important is how you utilise this potential handed to you.
The point of a profile is to communicate information about you as a distinct individual. Hence, you want to use every weapon at your disposal to convince others that you are ✨ unique and special ✨.
Disclaimer: I accept that I have some pretty privilege (there’s no way around this; either I admit that I have it and I am perceived as self-absorbed, or I pretend that I don’t have it and I am perceived as fake). This pretty privilege shapes the way I evaluate and swipe. But if you look put together and you’re authentic, you’re already ahead of the game. Social perception is an incredibly powerful gift — humans make accurate impressions of others within 5 seconds about how extroverted, intelligent, and even responsible they are. Even on a dating app, if you look closely enough, you can quickly tell who’s secure and authentic — and who’s not. We run with what we have.
Some general recommendations across genders
- In #3 I joked about “boring and cliche” people, but it is actually extremely difficult to be one. As long as you have any hobby — a niche interest you do for its own sake — you are no longer boring because you now have experiences that differentiate you from others. To really be boring, you must (1) not do anything remotely interesting at all, or you (2) cannot communicate your experiences in a way that allows you to connect with others.
- But some hobbies are less niche than others. Like watching K-drama. Not that it’s not a valid hobby, but stating it does nothing to distinguish you from everyone else.
- One thing that is NOT a hobby, by the way, is sleeping. Because LITERALLY everyone sleeps. For the love of god, DO NOT spend a precious prompt indicating that you like to sleep or cuddle. EVERYONE likes to sleep or cuddle. You’re better off saying you love to have sex, because at least you’d be admired as someone who has the guts to admit it.
- See below for an example sent by a friend. I would be worried about being flamed, but I realise that this poll is so generic that the person probably couldn’t even identify it as theirs with confidence… and that’s the whole point.
- Dog and cat pictures are OK (if you’re hot) (I’m joking), but they’re such an overexploited offering that they won’t help you stand out unless the pet is a defining feature of your identity (e.g., you are a cat dad).
- This logic extends to everything, actually. If you don’t have some witty thing or niche hobby to include, go big or go home with some wild experience instead. You like films? Share that you binge-watched 8 films in a row and fainted. You like travelling? Share that you got ROBBED in Europe or lost your passport and was detained at the airport. Trump supporter? Please post a picture of you wearing a MAGA cap so I can swipe left and report you too.
- Funny incidents. Recommended. One of my friends uploaded a voice recording of him (disguised as a news report) sardonically detailing how he got hit by a car and flung along the road. Now that’s a standout feature. I would swipe right for that alone.
- Sports is good in general.
- Y’all have no idea how many men I swiped for their pictures alone. Yes. I have no shame. I LOVE rugby boys; they look so intense when they’re ballin’ (screams unhingedly). I LOVE dragon boaters pumping it in the water. I LOVE men who golf — an uncountable number of men received requests from me to hit me with their sticks. Hell, you could post a funny picture of you struggling on a Pilates reformer machine, and I would laugh and swipe right. That’s the whole point — to entertain and to impress.
- The same goes for girls. I am starting to notice a trend where I find that men are surprisingly willing to simp over strong and fit girls. It’s just embedded in our DNA to want fit people.
- Oh, gym pictures and mirror selfies are mid, by the way. Because virtually everyone gyms nowadays. It’s about the sport, because it demonstrates a hobby.
- Travel pictures/stories. OK if you’re doing something funny/exciting (shows you have personality and grit) or it’s an outlandish story. I do not care if your favourite travel destination is Japan. Scenic backdrops are OK if you have a lovely smile to accompany them, but use them in moderation.
- Education. Intelligence reigns supreme in mating decisions, regardless of gender. This should already be covered by your demographic information. Still, if you really don’t have any other pictures to put, a picture of you in a graduation gown with your institution as a backdrop is an OK choice. Like, guy #5 had a pic of him at his graduation ceremony from a world top 5 uni (I cannot elaborate more in case I am sued) and yeah. He even took the time to kindly reiterate to me that he had lived overseas. Like we couldn’t tell, sir.
- Voice prompts. The best voice recording is a funny one (e.g. bad singing or something subversive). There are no exceptions to this. You playing a musical instrument is a close second. And DO NOT WHISPER TO ME SULTRILY THAT YOU LIKE TO SLEEP OR THAT I AM A GOOD GIRL!!!!!!
- Demographic information / your preferences.
- For Singaporeans, hide the following information: gender, sexuality, gender you’re interested in, hometown, ethnicity. They’re just clutter and add no value if you’re a normie (like me). But if you’re not a normie, indicate the aspects that would surprise a general audience.
- Your religious and political beliefs. Important to state to sieve out people dissimilar from you (you cannot ignore their ugly heads for long, no matter how hard you try). If someone’s apolitical, they’re immediately out for me, no matter how good their ELO is.
- Family plans. VERY IMPORTANT. Dealbreaker.
- Your dating intentions and relationship type. Important. Don’t lie about it — you will waste everyone’s time. Most people seek monogamous relationships, so that’s not an issue. More interesting is dating intentions. I provide a layman’s translation below for the preferences.
- Life partner = I WANT TO GET MARRIED AND I ROUGHLY KNOW WHEN.
- Long-term relationship = I MIGHT WANT TO GET MARRIED, BUT I’M UNSURE WHEN.
- Long-term relationship, open to short = I WANT A PARTNER, BUT I’M DTF.
- Short-term relationship, open to long = I AM PRIMARILY DTF, BUT YOU MIGHT CHANGE MY MIND. DON’T HOPE FOR IT THOUGH!
- Short-term relationship = I AM JUST HERE TO SMASH OR HAVE A SITUATIONSHIP!!! I SHOULD BE ON TINDER!!! WHY AM I HERE!!!
- Figuring out my dating goals = I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I WANT. HELP! 🚩🚩🚩
- Prefer not to say = AVOID ME AT ALL COSTS, BECAUSE I AM HIDING SOMETHING.
More recommendations by gender. If we follow the rules of mating theory (see Buss & Schmitt, 2019, and this post for context):
Women: life’s on easy mode here
- Assuming men prioritise physical attractiveness, all you have to do is show that you’re hot.
- I didn’t put my bikini picture on there, but I’d probably have had more matches if I had. I did put my garter reel on there, and of course, it drove the boys crazy, even if they pretended otherwise. (I know you watched the video, even if you messaged me via another prompt.)
- But note that being hot only gets your foot in the door. It doesn’t mean you’ll hold their attention. You also need some degree of personality (see above), or you won’t be wife material.
Men: have it a little harder
- Assume women are looking for security in the form of a man (1) being able to provide economic and status resources, (2) offering physical protection, and (3) being willing to commit. You need to communicate these three aspects to be an ideal fit for a long-term partner.
- Uniform (NS) pictures are particularly interesting because they are fundamentally about two things: power and by extension authority kinks. Being a high-ranking soldier always helps, but eh, there are many officers around so don’t expect it to build your case much. A guy did tell me he was a Captain, though, and that was mm, chef’s kiss. Nice. But he said I was too unhinged. And if you look like a daddy in your uniform picture, well? Throw it in, baby! Bonus for you, bonus for me.
- Some picture of you doing a rich-looking hobby. You don’t actually have to be rich. Examples of rich-looking hobbies are diving, golf, wine, driving a BOAT, I am out of ideas. I know this sounds classist. But people are classist, especially in Singapore, whether they admit it or not. We’re just playing by the rules. But you don’t have to if you don’t want to.
- Willingness to commit. Generally, women who are looking for LTRs avoid fuckboy-looking profiles because the vibe they communicate is “I’m a hot guy, I have choices, you’re in for a ride”. (This comes from someone with the same vibe on their profile.) I was more than happy to play along with a handsome boy who looked like one, though, because I trusted that he was looking for love. He proceeded to disappoint me. Sigh. Like I said, first impressions don’t lie.
Now my friends (rubs hands) is the EXCITING PART!!!
That’s right — we’re critiquing GWYN’S HINGE PROFILE!!!
Observe: babygirl in the wild.
Alright. Let’s break down my profile based on the pictures and prompts in the order you see in the video.
- Video #1 (garter reel): Got 200k on Instagram reels. Can’t go wrong. I think it works because of the surprise factor (someone told me it’s borderline flashing) and my knowing smile.
- The poll (Hell’s Museum): Optimised to identify prospects interested in visiting Haw Par Villa, which seemed like a fun first date to me. Going to Hell, that is. Quite revealing of my personality.
- The voice prompt: You can’t hear it but it’s me mispronouncing my name (in the style of Wahluigi) against the backdrop of video game music. I thought it was funny. Some people agreed.
- Text prompt #1 (Jazz in July): Specifies a relatively niche music genre, jazz, which I love. It sieves out people who are open to new or similar interests. (I return to this in guide #7; it was a surprisingly pivotal prompt. Also, going back to guide #2, it effectively showed me who had a genuine interest in my hobbies.)
- Demographics. Note the omission of non-critical information.
- Picture #1 (phone booth): Simply because I’m smiling authentically. I really liked this moment in time. You catch the vibe or you don’t.
- Picture #2 (mirror selfie): I felt hot with this one. That’s it. It’s one of the more popular pictures among my matches.
- Text prompt #2 (weirdly attracted to men): Communicates my love-hate relationship with men and if you read into it more, my bratty nature. Easy to reply to to start a conversation (it’s all about pandering to the audience). I’ll admit it’s not the best prompt, though, because it’s quite generic.
- Video #2 (pool): Another hobby to connect with others like myself. I’m not good, but that’s not the point. The point is to demonstrate you’re willing to try something new.
- Text prompt #3 (Tajikistan): I wrote this because I had learned that fact the day before and didn’t have anything else to write. It communicates somewhat that I enjoy trivia. It was not a very good prompt, though it did have its takers.
- Picture #3 (cat ears): Tailored to the male gaze.
- Picture #4 (Tom meme): Because I love him. Also, high-level playful jab as if to judge men eyeing my profile (to make them a bit self-aware).
Feel free to criticise constructively for discussion’s sake. It won’t hurt my feelings because whatever you say, it worked well enough for me.
I later modified my profile to replace the following:
| Original | Modified | Rationale for change |
| Text Prompt #1 (Jazz in July) | Together, we could To save your time and mine, I: [included my dealbreakers] | Only Two (2) People in my entire time on Hinge were genuinely interested in jazz. So, I can’t believe I’m saying this, but it was too niche to the point that it was almost useless. (But see guide #7 when it’s out…) The dealbreakers text was a significant improvement from the original because it effectively filtered out men who could not handle me. |
| Text Prompt #2 (weirdly attracted to men) | I won’t shut up about how to hyperoptimise love and dating | Well, self-explanatory. And serves as a conversation starter since people are interested in this topic. |
| Text Prompt #3 (Tajikistan) | What if I told you that I can tell what your aura is by the end of our first date | Party trick I realised I had a talent for after going on a few first dates. And people love hearing about how others see them. |
So yeah, I eliminated what wasn’t working. I didn’t have time to change the pictures, though if I could, I would replace the one of me playing pool with me drunkenly yelling in public. In the style of if you can’t handle this, don’t swipe me.
OK that was longer than I expected. Let’s move on to the Conversion Process.
The Conversion Process: App -> Texting
Use the in-app chat platform to sieve out instant dealbreakers. This includes people who are RUDE or who don’t know their boundaries.
Examples. Again, profile pictures are not hidden because I do not care. You put yourself out there, you deal with the consequences of your behaviour.
I did convert him to Telegram, because he was hot and I was trying to see the good in him, but it was a mistake. Our subsequent texting was toxic af. We didn’t full-out hurl insults at each other, but I could feel his contempt for me dripping in his words. It was a disgusting experience. Why put myself through that? And you might think that you can change them, but consider: what are you really inviting with a person who fundamentally believes he can be rude to strangers? If he’s rude to you from the beginning, he will continue to be rude. Anyway, next.
Only convert with those with whom you have established a degree of conversational flow. This is subjective, but once you feel comfortable texting them, convert them immediately from the app to a messaging platform. I usually give my Telegram username and ask them to DM me. I do this typically within an hour or at most a day of texting them on Hinge. After all, if you don’t like them later, you can sever the connection (see guide #6 on this topic).
I think that’s enough for this post. In the next guide, #5, we will discuss the rules of engagement — that is, how to build rapport on Telegram AND how to have a great first date! See you then. Kiss ❤
in this series: #1 (#1.5) | #2 | #3 (#3.5) | #4 | #5 (#5.5) | #6 | #7 (#7.5)
excerpts, #9 (quickfire collection)
[2:35am] sweet dreams, sweet dreams, may i hear the ocean before i sleep
[3:14am] i love, i am loved, and i shall devour; i will not wait
[8:50am] we cannot be afraid to be hurt; we must be brave
[10:04am] there’s so much out there, babygirl,
you just don’t know it yet;
breathe, and it’ll all take care of itself
[10:04am] what’s meant for you / will not pass you by
gwyn’s guide to hyperoptimised dating, #3.5 (becoming, #3)
in this series: #1 (#1.5) | #2 | #3 (#3.5) | #4 | #5 (#5.5) | #6 | #7
A dual post because it was only a matter of time before all of what I’ve written would come together. To love and to date is to find yourself, and when you find yourself, you will meet the ones for you.
It’s #3.5 on the hyperoptimised dating series because the content is an extension of #3, which I haven’t yet written. But it will come soon.
These two weeks have been a huge test for me — of my will. I’ve learnt so much so quickly that even my core beliefs have been shaken. Up to this point, I believed I should give my everything in whatever I do, whoever I meet…. but I can see why people are hesitant to do so now. I tried to hyperoptimise the search for love only to find that the thing I could not optimise in the end was myself. We cannot optimise love because it is not meant to be optimised.
Everyone I’ve met tells me I give love too quickly and commit too fully. I don’t agree, but they’re right about the consequences, which are very real.
Nonetheless, I’ve made a few observations that are fascinating to me and that my readers might enjoy.
First: people like to aim for things that are just beyond our reach — it’s pure instinct. But the divine irony of it all is that to be the partner of a person who is “better” than you, you have to be better than yourself so you “deserve” them. I do not believe people “deserve” or do not deserve each other; everyone deserves to be loved. But there are unbreakable rules in life, and this is one of them.
I realised that I’ve always “joked” about finding a rich man because I have been looking for a man to compensate for a part of me that I perceived I lacked. But there is nothing to compensate for. As Cher wisely opined, I don’t need a rich man; I am the rich man. I will become him. When I do, the rest will work it out by itself. Indeed, that is the mentality of the secure men I’ve met — they take their time and are stern with their boundaries because they always want better, better, better.
And why not indeed? I’ve been out for less than a month on Hinge and am already batting like crazy. But not only is it about where you’re at now, it’s about where you’re going. And I will keep growing; in a year, I will be more, and in two years, I will be much more. When you tend to your garden, the butterflies will come. When I become a rich (and hot) man, I won’t need a rich man anymore.
So, ultimately, this is not about men or potential partners I might have. It is about me. It was always about me; it was always about you.
Second and related: if you are serious about finding the one for you, you must first know who you are.
I suspect men are afraid of me. Because I am so intense and seemingly ready to do unhinged shit (it’s only unhinged because they don’t understand) that they realise that they cannot control me — and these men cannot accept a woman they cannot control. I think that’s the crux of it all in a relationship dynamic: it’s all about power. In short, weaker men cannot handle me, and they drop me such that I shatter on the floor. (Most men can’t even handle being told that they’re weak.)
That’s what the men really mean when they tell me I’m “emotionally volatile” or I’m “headstrong” or whatever to that effect. They’re all related. I saw it flash across a prospect’s eyes when we met for the last time as potential partners. I told him about my plans for the future, and he tripped thrice, so much that I asked him if he was doing it for theatrical effect. He did not say it then, but it was already a dealbreaker for him, and maybe he just wanted to see it through to the inevitable end.
This guess of mine will never be fully validated because they will never admit it is so. But I can see it anyway — I see it with the men in my past and the men I’ve met recently. I see it in the way they orbit me. My malicious side wants them to think, in those moments they watch my stories, why are you still here? But hey, since you are, watch me — I’m going to be the girl you could’ve had and will never have again because you didn’t know what you wanted. You were a part of my life and I’m grateful for that — but you were not meant to stay. I’ve done it before, and I’ll do it again.
But it doesn’t matter whether they feel the way I want them to. I might be completely delusional. It doesn’t matter what they feel anyway. They have their own lives and deserve happiness too.
I’ll just not be there to see it.
I am not emotionally volatile. I used to be, maybe. I hurt others; I regret it. And I will make mistakes. I can’t help it if I have thorns on my body that regrow even when I tear them out and I bleed because I didn’t want to hurt others when they came close. I must accept myself for who I am. I can only hope my friends will love me regardless — and I trust that they do. I too accept them for everything that they are.
My emotional intensity is not a weakness; it is quite literally my cardinal trait. People who say I’m volatile do not understand me in the way I understand myself. And I do not have the time to explain myself to them because we have other things to do. Let them think what they want. I will say this though: if I am emotionally volatile, then let the primary emotions I cycle between be joy and awe.
I will be brave, even if I must make it alone.
There are always “better” people out there. But they are not for you. You deserve someone who sees you as you are. When you realistically recognise your place, you’ll know where you want to be.
Will you stay or will you go? That’s up to you.
I have only met one man about whom I was completely sure from the beginning. And the reason was simpler than I had expected — he felt like home, where I was meant to be, as I was. I was so sure about my gut feeling that I’d have given him the reins if he asked. But he told me, as if he saw something in me I did not then, that I was too unstable for him.
And on reflection — indeed, I am. He could not handle me. That’s not on him; it’s not on me. We were just not meant to be. We live, and we learn.
So, as I intended, the man I end up with will be a brat tamer. And he won’t even have to tell me. I will know when we cross paths. He’ll love the challenge, and I’ll give myself fully in return.
We will not “settle for” anyone until I find someone who loves me as intensely and deliberately as I love him. He has to be like me. I am looking for a soulmate. With or without them, I am walking ahead at my own pace. If I don’t get married, hell, so be it; there are more incredible things in life waiting for me.
My priority is not men. It will never be men. It will always be me.
And we are going to live.
becoming, #2 (suspiria)
i watched Suspiria earlier on a whim. to be as spoiler-free as possible (the movie was a LOT), it is essentially about a witch coming into being — in the sense that she became who she was meant to be.
it was a masterpiece. in its post-credits scene, she looks beyond the screen and subtly smiles as if she recognises something monumental has happened; she is at peace with it; something greater is coming, and she is ready.
hyperbole perhaps, but something about this film fundamentally altered my brain chemistry. the witch is… powerful, devastatingly so when attuned to her purpose, but merciful and forgiving at the same time. she is a mother; she is everything a woman would want to be.
it hit me hard because i’ve only begun to realise that there is, in fact, something powerful within me. but now that i’ve discovered it — the only thing left to do is be who i really am, as i am. but if you are to be truly yourself you have to let go of everything that you thought you loved and wanted to love.
but it’s such a herculean process — it hurts so much, my god, does it hurt — and the suffering doesn’t even abate with time. you have to do it over and over, discarding things that don’t serve you, armed only with the belief that your suffering now will eventually serve a grander purpose. not that they’re not beautiful and precious — they just were not made for you.
do you understand? — i always ask the ones i love.
but does it matter?
as much as i want to be connected with everyone else, this life was for me.
life was a lot easier when i was not aware. i was walking blind and letting others lead my way. but now that i know exactly what i want — i have to chart the path on my own.
someone once told me that life is like swimming across the sea; the English Channel is an example, if you will. you must swim across or drown trying. and you’ll have people along the way with you; if you’re lucky, you’ll find a partner to support you. but if both of you are to make it across, you have to know how to swim without the other.
and if you have to rely on your partner to make it across, you will not only drown: you will kill them too.
i used to think — only three weeks ago, actually — that i needed someone to complete me. but i understand now, as our protagonist did:
i am whole on my own, as i am.
baby g’s diary 