we are going to cross paths with many, many people in our lifetime. we cannot hold on to all of them, much as we want to. letting go of people and the longing for more with them is an unavoidable fact of being alive that we must reconcile ourselves with eventually. some people, including ourselves from others’ perspective, are meant to only be with us temporarily. that is by design, whether willed by the Creator or the nihilistic cosmos that toys with us.
yet this does not mean you are an interregnum — an intermission or a short distraction from normalcy. you are an experience, a lesson, a force of nature: you are the universe’s manifestation of love. everyone is, even those who hurt us. the only thing we can do is make the best of the present because that’s all we’ll ever have in the end — you imprint their shadow onto your soul so that even when they fade away in time, they’ll always be a part of you. their memory belongs to you now; keep what you like, discard what you don’t.
so when you meet other travellers like yourself who want to stay and grow with you, hold onto them — not enough to lose yourself, but enough so that in the rare chance they want to be bound to you too, both of you will share a bond — a bond that defines what it means to be human.
Earlier, the algorithm bestowed upon me a video criticising boy-crazy girls, and it hit me that I’ve been like that recently. In the spirit of self-improvement, I am thus embarking on No Man June — a month-long sabbatical to eliminate any mention of prospective men and the desire for romance in my life.
The aim is not to repress desire but to sublimate it.
Granted, I like to believe that I have a life outside male validation, and I have been assured so by people who matter. Neither do I think that there’s anything wrong with being boy-crazy — to each their own, as long as you don’t intentionally hurt others (?).
Nonetheless, I don’t like spending so much time obsessing over romance and boys. Like, if I were a supporting character in a movie, I might fail the Bechdel test, considering all the time I spend yapping to my fans online and my friends about My Love Lore. (Though let me establish two things: 1) My friends and fans LOVE my adventures and 2) ALL the men came to me first. I only reciprocated if I wanted to, but I can be persuasive in my own ways.)
A secondary aim is to observe how much more I can achieve when I am not bogged down with illusions and trivialities. I have lots of things to do, people to meet, and places to be! ZOU
Hence, effective today:
The Rules
#1: No yapping or disclosure about drama with men, old or new. This applies to both public (social media) and private settings (with friends).
#2: No references to the desire for romance or romantic love, direct or indirect. As long as the main idea of the post/conversation is about romance, it is considered a violation.
The Consequences: for every instance in which a rule is violated, I will donate $5.
$2.50 goes to an organisation in Singapore that I absolutely detest. Iykyk.
$2.50 goes to my accountability buddy (to incentivise them to catch me when I slip up).
The Exceptions
I can share if I am asked, i.e. somebody else initiates the conversation for me. However, I cannot supplement additional details that go beyond answering the question.
Corresponding to rule #2: I can continue to create content in which specific men and my personal desire for love are not the core subjects. This includes things like my lay theory of love logs (maybe except #3.5), which I consider sociological investigations into the phenomenon of dating. Essentially, no anecdotes, but think pieces are fine. (Ah, 75% of my output is going to be decimated…)
Initial Commitments
As preparatory work, I have processed and purged the men concerned. If they don’t want me, they don’t deserve access to me! If you were not purged, sorry but you were not significant enough, LOL. I am not paying $5 for this disclosure because it occurred here.
You are welcome to join me OR catch me when I slip up. Let’s have some fun. Stay tuned for updates, babes ❤
a rapid guide to reframing unhelpful beliefs, based on personal experience
INSTEAD OF (unhelpful beliefs):
TRY (positive affirmations):
My Prof gave me harsh feedback on my work again. This means I am not good enough, and nothing I do will ever match their expectations.
My Prof gave me harsh feedback, but that is because they care about me, and they are committed to seeing me improve. Why expend all that effort on me otherwise? I am grateful for their support. I will do better next time — for them and also for myself.
People I’ve met and cared for keep leaving me. I am not worthy of love.
I am worthy of love no matter what; I accept myself for who I am. It’s their loss hee hee! My friends and fans love me. Kiss!
credits to my therapist
now go off and be the captain of your own adventure! i love you x
writing this to you on a whim. yes, to you, my dearest, who is reading this post unprompted. i won’t be sharing about this one; i’ll actively bury it, even. because it’s for you.
don’t get me wrong, i love getting views on my posts. after all, what is self-expression without an audience? i did realise recently, however, that all the people i’ve loved before have encountered my blog in one incarnation or another. it existed in different physical forms, but it didn’t matter; the core was the same — all of them were always an extension of me.
it might just have been morbid curiosity on their part, in the same way you cannot take your eyes off an impending crash. nonetheless, i choose to believe they loved me too, in their own way, or better: they might not have wanted to, but they couldn’t help it in the end.
my mind’s running, it always is: i am enraptured by the significance of what it means for me to write and for you to read. between our screens is a whole parallel universe, and all it has is us two. do you understand?
do you ever wonder if i’m writing about you? what do you think i want from you, and what do you want from me?
do you love me, did you love me at all?
if you decided to leave, why am i still writing to you, and why are you still here reading?
every mistake you’ve made and every wrong you’ve experienced is a learning lesson — it happened so that you could be here, in this moment, as a wiser and stronger person.
it is terrifying to realise that no one owes you anything, i know. on the other hand, you are no longer bound to anyone’s expectations.
maybe liberation was meant to come together with loneliness? nothing in this world comes easy.
were you under the impression that my love letters were addressed to you? the man i write to does not exist — he is a feeling, an inseparable part of me.
and the men i’ve loved most in my life — i don’t write aboutthem because i don’t have to; they already know everything.
so when we finally meet, when he fully reciprocates, i promise him, now and forever —
recently i’ve been playing, i’ve been played; i’ve been trapped in a prisoner’s dilemma. i confessed, i waited, they stayed quiet: i was punished for my faith, and then twice. i persisted until i was a willing party no longer: i had to, i have to, i need to act in my best interest.
but love isn’t a game; if it must be one, then the optimal outcome is not to play.
it doesn’t matter if you crawl back begging for forgiveness; there is nothing to repent for, because there was nothing between us in the first place.
and what about regret? again, i don’t regret anything — except what we could not have.
First written in Jul 2023, with minor edits and commentary in May 2024 (recovery is non-linear, but it will get better)
[May 2024: Enough about silly trivialities like men and love, boring! Let’s yap about ME! Specifically, my psycho ass side. Reviving the mental health logs for my fans!]
ZOU
Since my first post, I’m delighted to report that things have been looking up for me! I am still waiting to be connected with a psychologist, though (something about waiting time and accessibility of mental health services in Singapore…)
In the meantime, here’s a list of things that have helped me get through a recent depressive episode. They read like notes from a textbook, but there’s nothing quite like a hands-on experience.
Coming to terms with it all. Simply accepting that I did (and maybe always will) have a problem liberated me to focus on addressing it rather than being trapped in the quandary of self-doubt. [May 2024: Still psycho! But so happy.]
Social support and companionship. Many friends reached out after they saw my earlier post. Two aspects stood out — a lack of judgement and an affirmation that they would stand by me. In the weeks since none of them has treated me differently. We went out, played, and gossiped about nonsense as usual. I will always be grateful for them.
My partner has also been enormously supportive (well, he has always been), listening to my issues and being a staunch voice of reason whenever my spirals strike. He’s also been willing to communicate his challenges in his role as a “mental health caregiver”, which has helped us better navigate our difficult periods together. It’s important to care for your caregivers too!
me n my cuties
Taking a step back and reappraising. Throughout university, I’ve been compelled to prove myself by achieving “success”. My blog was literally named Gwyn’s Guides to Success (it is now Gwyn’s Playground to mirror my newfound commitment to enjoying life). [May 2024: it is now baby g’s diary. Character development!]
I wanted to get better grades, take up more leadership roles, engage in more extracurriculars, volunteer more, build more connections, write more papers, have my Prof like me more… the list went on. Talk about an unabashedly narrow (but not uncommon) definition of success. Put them together, and lo and behold, you have an amorphous ideal self unattainable by design. Goals became imperatives that incessantly berated me for not being enough regardless of what I did — like having the consciousness of a toxic tiger parent implanted in your brain.
I hit a turning point when my supervisor pointed out that my mental health was taking a toll on my work and that she was genuinely concerned. It was one hell of a “oh, wow, cool” moment (she broke character for me!) I was in such bad shape I could barely function at work, much less recognise that I was floundering. In the following days, I gave more thought to what I wanted (something I hadn’t done in a long time because I was fixated on getting through the motions). Sure, getting a Master’s degree is ~cool~, but I don’t need to destroy myself over it.
The same goes for other projects. At the end of the day, a commitment is something you willingly give your time to… so you don’t need to put in any more effort than you can or want to. To paraphrase a quote from another mental health advocate: you can’t water the grass when your well is dry.
Shoutout to the book Four Thousand Weeks: Time Management for Mortals on this topic. [May 2024: Sweetheart? Please mail it back to me.] The big idea: life is short, you can’t do everything, so embrace finitude and enjoy the moment, darling. As long as you’ve lived a life you thought was worthwhile, what does it matter what others think? In the grand scheme of things, it really doesn’t. Life goes on with or without you. If a good life to me consists of reading manga and writing a personal blog in my spare time that nobody reads(!), then so be it.
Focusing on the things I love, for me. I’ve gotten back into the habit of reading, and you won’t believe this — writing! Similarly, I’m doing things for myself, because I want to, not only because it brings me to some societally-approved end. Some nights, I play Civilization VI over Discord with my friends and then chomp on garlic cheese prata with my family into the wee hours, ignoring the thought that I have a lot of work to do the next day. LOL. Of course, I’ve had to strike a balance because work never ends, but these little moments have made all the difference.
So get yourself some self-care. Take the time to recharge, and then move onto great things when you’re ready — if you want to, because you don’t have to!
well, are they?
Taking breaks. There’s only so much work you can do in a day. When you pare it down based on energy levels, you’ll realise that most work is not urgent or even important. When I’m stressed, I ask myself: what is the worst that could happen if I mess up this tiny ass task? Or miss a deadline because I’m overwhelmed? So what? It really isn’t worth all that stress. Go take a nap.
wahoo!
Breaking down things. Based on behavioural activation in CBT. Can’t beat your brain? Hack it.
Just be 1% better than yesterday.
Committing to the basics, whether you like it or not. Routines, baby!
I asked a friend over mahjong recently — what is your life purpose? It’s been a long-running preoccupation of mine stemming from the idea that I need to identify some sort of bigger calling to motivate myself to get up every day. He sagely retorted that it’s “not a good question and only stresses you out”.
Instead, focus on one small thing at a time to keep you looking forward to tomorrow. So that’s what I’m doing. It’s the small things… but they add up to make a good life.
I am eagerly anticipating the premiere of Dune Part 2 this November (okay, it’s been postponed to March 2024) [May 2024: it was better than I could ever imagine.]
And for Volume 3 of my favourite manga to be released in English [May 2024: I flirted my way into getting a Japanese copy because I couldn’t wait. I’d do it again! <3]
I am looking forward to the holiday trips I’ll have this year.
I am excited to master Japanese and get my JLPT N1 certification! Maybe in 5 years, LOL.
[May 2024: Well, so much has happened since. I’m sure 2023 Gwyn would have been proud of 2024 baby g. I definitely am! Hehe. I love you.]
baby g’s diary 