emdash abuser
A majority of people (on PSQ) claim they will not date another person who “puts their life on the internet very freely” —
And? Why though?
What is the problem with showing yourself as you are? When is it too much?
It’s strange we police such behaviour, given the self-absorbed creatures that we are — at the end of a long day, alone in your headspace, who really cares about what another common man does?
the bad comes in waves, the good all at once
These are not very SMART goals but I downloaded a habit tracker on Notion so I think it will be OK
Body gonna body babyyyy
Alternatives to being a kept woman
Love & Belongingness is a stage in the Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs
Hobbies to convince others I have a personality
Maximising neuroplasticity
Contribute to society
Why do I always need to clean my room
Eat pray love and miscellany
it is okay to be —
to carve out a cell in this world, amongst others,
but just for me
suspended in limbo, stealing time from a youth that will never end
(bite the bullet, bite the bullet, bite)
like it or not, we must play
it’s just been so long — i want to live again
2024 is over (I mourn the unhinged girl I left behind)… so it is time for an accountability report.
I’m embarrassed that the “incompletes” list is longer than the “completed” one, but maybe life is supposed to be like that — one’s gotta want more to do more. Besides, I completed the most important thing I set out to do: my thesis. (Were you expecting “finding a man”, huh??? Were you???)
Learning point: many of the incompletes are moving targets that cannot be satisfactorily completed once and for all (e.g. cleaning my room, which I DID, okay) — subsequent iterations should be worded with more concrete outcomes. I have no excuses for the concrete ones I didn’t do, though.
So… I’m leaving the incompletes up in hopes of embarrassing myself so much that I’ll do them in 2025. Though not everything, I’ll carry some over to my 2025 resolutions list. The new year’s always a good time to rethink our priorities regarding the kind of lives we want to live. I can be sure that my true self is reflected in the things I did, but not necessarily in the things I didn’t.
2024 was awesome, especially in the middle. It was exhilarating to just exist. I’ll miss those days.
I hope 2025 will be just as magical.
Originally published 24/2/24
COMPLETED
*bolded: stuff i really enjoyed
Struck out = done [completed date, comment]
Setting myself up for Success
“Hobbies”
Unhinged, Silly things
Cleansing and organising
INCOMPLETES
Cleaning and organising, but the boring kind
Projects
Hobbies
In the dark, I asked him why he loves me.
I got a “huh?” in response.
It’s something he says when he comprehends a question but doesn’t know how to reply on the spot.
Silence passed, the sound of his mind racing.
How interesting. So I gave him an out:
You could just tell me i’m pretty, or that you love how witty and funny I am, something like that…
But perhaps his inability to answer is a satisfactory response in itself: I have a naïve interpretation that works for me.
Such is love — the projection of the self onto the other.
A reliable (disqualified) source recently informed me that in his search criteria for a wife (a topic worth a standalone post), the criteria I did not meet for him was ambition. I corrected him, quick as lightning, that his observation was erroneous — I have ambition, but I lack ability (presently).
As if in tacit agreement, he promptly caveated his position, remarking that my primary issue is that I have not yet demonstrated ability. That is, being on the cusp of graduation (my thesis is under review), and having never held a full-time job from birth, I haven’t had a chance to establish myself yet.
In other words, I have potential, theoretically [+] (?)
However, realistically, potential with no demonstrated outcome is worthless [-] — yes, darlings, regardless of how IPOs function in practice.
It was a sobering revelation: I was aware of all of the above but had failed to connect it to my place in the marriage market in the past. In retrospect, it adds up: men who were established did not want me because I was, I am, not yet established. (That and among other things.)
You seek someone better than you; you settle for someone as good as you. Lies, games, partner evaluations: all the same if the outcome is equivalent.
And hence we must speak about him, my lover: what does he see in me? Is he able to see something in my future that I can’t, yet? Does he believe in my potential?
Or, almost frighteningly — to him, am I enough as I am? Because I am not enough, not to myself, not ever, possibly never.
Why does he love me?
I don’t know.
Even if I were to ask him point-blank, even if he could respond in a decipherable string, it will take a long time before I can comprehend his reply.
But every time I’m his arms, I instinctively understand that some things do not need to be said —
there are questions not answerable by words.
baby g’s diary 