in this series: #1 (#1.5) | #2 | #3 (#3.5) | #4 | #5 (#5.5) | #6 | #7 (#7.5)
Good Night, Sleep Tight, Don’t Let the Loverboys Bite
Who’s Next on the Hitlist Tonight?
Here are some guidelines I used when deciding to sever a connection. These apply to both texting and in-person behaviour. All are inherently subjective, so make your own decisions.
- Perceiving a lack of interest on their end
- Inconsistent or a lack of replies over a prolonged period without acceptable justification
- For men I hadn’t met, I observed them over 3-5 working days before deciding. They don’t owe me anything, but I can sure decide when they didn’t like me enough.
- For men I slept with, I gave them 24 hours before culling. The shorter time frame is because a man who likes you will demonstrate intensified interest immediately. Don’t make excuses for them like oh, but men are rational, so maybe he needs some time to think. Men do not sleep with women and become infatuated with them because they’re rational creatures; it’s precisely the lack thereof that drives them. Diminished interest means it’s over because they only wanted one thing, and you’ve given it to them.
- One-word replies, dry texts, perceived difficulty in sustaining a convo despite attempts (it’s not worth it)
- Not seeming interested in your day
- If they’re only talking about themselves all the time like hello what about me
- Inconsistent or a lack of replies over a prolonged period without acceptable justification
- Predominantly sexual conversations to the detriment of other, far more interesting, topics
- Actions that do not align with their words — especially broken promises
- If they ask for anything that crosses your boundaries.
- Example: At least three men shared with me one behaviour in girls that they consider off-putting: expecting him to travel to her place to pick her up before travelling to the destination together and accompanying her home afterwards. Of course, it was expected that the poor man would pay for all expenses. I don’t agree with this either. But see the next example.
- Another thought-provoking example: beliefs about who should pay on the first date. I’m not ashamed to say that I fall into the camp that the man should pay — it’s an (admittedly gendered) way for me to suss out who values me. I acknowledge and respect that not all men agree, and this precisely works to my advantage: I had a hidden rule that if a man asked me to pay, he would be permanently DQed. No exceptions. Not that any of them asked me to go Dutch (or y’all would so know it), but the point is that specifying what you want improves search outcomes. Everyone has exclusionary criteria. Sorry if it hurts your feelings though.
- Final example for the sake of controversy: two men asked me for head via text. I played along with one and shut down the other. (FYI: neither got it.) The only difference was in how long we had known each other. It boils down to accurately assessing your partner’s boundaries at the moment and knowing how to best accommodate them (signs of EQ). This is an ongoing process as boundaries are continually negotiated as a relationship develops.
In summary: drop if they are anything less than you think you deserve (given that you know your own worth).
The Art of Saying Goodbye
In babygirl’s humble opinion, good and clean breaks have the following characteristics. They:
- Are respectful of the other person. This means NO personal attacks. Even if you think they’re trash, write it in your diary (hehe) or sob to your friends, but don’t tell them.
- Focus on your perception of the relationship, not the person
- State simply that you have concluded the two (or more) of you are incompatible, and briefly state the reasons that led you to this conclusion
- Imply that the decision is final and non-negotiable
- [Optional: if you want to keep them in your life as friends, indicate so. But you MUST give them a choice to take up your offer or not].
- Wishing them the best in their love quest and life
Based on the above, a sample template for saying goodbye:
hey, i don’t think we’re going to work out. we’re not aligned on some fundamental aspects (e.g. values, goals in life) / i just feel we don’t like each other enough — i’m sure you understand. but thank you for having given your time to me; i enjoyed our connection immensely.
[i really like what we have though and i still want to be friends with you. but that’s entirely up to you, and you can take as long as you need to decide.]
i really hope that you find the love you deserve, because you do deserve it.
source: the lovergirl in me. adapt to your style or whatever
All of my goodbyes with my dates went something like this and ended on a relatively positive note. There was no face-tearing, at least. In the game of love, we have no time for hard feelings.
A well-crafted goodbye will be accepted without question by a secure counterpart. It will also neutralise any player energy that the person might have had.
Please do not ghost them if you have at least bonded somewhat. That is pathetic behaviour and hurts everyone. Get them out of your mind pronto and help them do the same.
The Art of Receiving Goodbyes
You may be surprised (I’m joking), but I have been rejected too. What matters is not who has rejected who (instant gratification aside) but how you learn from the experience.
So how do we do so?
- Ask for feedback if you are unsure why you were DQed. I brazenly asked “so why am I not a good fit for you?” after one of them told me I was not what he was looking for. He was surprised at my directness, but he was nice enough to share that I was too emotionally volatile for him. I did not agree, but I did not attempt to defend myself or lecture him otherwise. I accepted it, thanked him for his time, and wished him the best. I then did some intense self-reflection and refined my Hinge profile to filter out men like him. LOL
- Manage your emotions. Absolutely critical. You must not enter another relationship until you have processed your thoughts and feelings with the previous one. Of course, I had a good cry sometimes when things didn’t work out with my handsome boys. And then I got over them and moved on in a few days. I think it helps to remember that none of it is personal. The both of you just happened to be incompatible; you were not what they were looking for, but that doesn’t say anything about your worth as a person. You remain valid and worthy of love.
I’m Only Gonna Break, Break Your, Break, Break Your Heart (Sorry)
Back to Basic (Instincts)
Girls have choices sexually. Men have choices romantically. It’s just stacked that way. Note the intimate connection with mate selection criteria — women are rewarded for their attractiveness, while men are rewarded for their status.
I realised I could sleep with any guy I wanted, even those out of my league marriage-wise. (OK la, small sample size, maybe the 9th man would have turned me down. We’ll never know!) Hell, I have so much power I could choose not to, and there is nothing they can do about it. Men have zero sexual bargaining power when it comes to facing off against an equally attractive woman, ceteris paribus.
- Sidetrack: this is why it’s so funny to me when men slut-shame women on social media; they don’t realise it reveals more about them than the women they’re trying to bring down. Like, bro, chilé. We get it. You’re not getting laid, and you hate yourself, so you’re taking it out on women you cannot have. We know you would sleep with her if you could. But here’s the thing — you can’t. And now, because you outed yourself, everyone knows it. Get therapy instead.
But here’s the catch. I make it sound like sex is a woman’s advantage, but it really means nothing. Sexual attractiveness gets you into the bullfighting ring, but that’s all it does. The bull will kill you regardless if you don’t know what you’re doing. Even if you come prepared — you could still get shredded to pieces.
Men will not love you because you’re good in bed. In fact, the prevailing pattern I’ve observed is that men love women in spite of them not being good in bed. Legit let that SINK IN for a moment. Because men can compartmentalise love and sex, the former ironically supersedes the latter in their search for a wife. The same goes for women, although there are no surprises there.
To all my readers: they might like you if you’re hot, but you’ll just be put in the “fuckable” compartment of their cupboard and left there. Listen and remember: if you were not pre-categorised into the “potential partner” section, you will never make it there. Put differently, the friendzone (or the fuckzone, I guess) is a finality, not a place to challenge others’ boundaries.
Do NOT regale me with tales of how Some Mediocre Man/Woman realised their errors after Some Devoted Woman/Man was consistent and always there for them (rolls eyes). Put yourself first. NO ONE IS WORTH MORE THAN YOU. We are not looking for someone who at the end of the day “settles” for you because they couldn’t find something better. Ew. You should’ve been their #1 from the start. If they are emotionally unavailable to reciprocate, that’s not your problem. You go out there and look for someone who deserves you.
Be deathly wary of people who say that they want you (back) because you’ve changed or grown as a person. First, do you only like my current version because I’m good enough for you now? So what was I before? If I change in the future into something you don’t like, are you going to drop me then? Second, if you have indeed grown, there is virtually no reason to return to your past, especially the people left there. They are there for a reason.
- Inevitable exceptions to the rule: I have seen some couples who have made it out of the friendzone territory. But when I look at them, I’m not sure… I guess it’s an ego thing on my part. I could never accept being settled for. I’d think that shadow would hang over me and my view of the relationship for the rest of my life. Then again, it’s your life, your preferences, and your choice. And if you’ve reached a point where you’re secure in yourself and your partner’s love, what is there to complain about?
Back to the girls: I hate to say this — I genuinely, sincerely do — but you have to err on the side of caution. While not every man is like this, you must assume that they are only out for your body and will throw you away after they are done. If you are not ready for this possibility and discarding them in the same fashion when the time comes, do not sleep with them.
DO NOT EVER — EVER! — degrade yourself by attempting to use sex to keep a man around. If you can only remember one thing from this post this is it. I find the one “degrade” very distasteful because it’s often thrown around as a pejorative to demean women who are sexually liberated (AND SUCCESSFUL!). But when you disrespect yourself to keep someone around, you’ve completely lost the game.
All of the above also applies to emotions.
If someone does not love you fully given some time, I don’t think they ever will. I don’t believe that love grows in that sense; it can only be cultivated to persist. Unfortunately, matters of the heart are just like that. You can’t change someone’s heart no matter how many times you try — if they cannot give you their 100% despite their best efforts and yours, the two of you are doomed from the beginning.
There are no guarantees either: they could tell you they love you today and disappear tomorrow. The only thing we can do for ourselves if they waver is to leave.
You need to act like — you need to know — that you deserve the world to receive it in return. And if they can’t give it to you, the door is right there.
But you must also be ready to give your everything. You must be willing to give your time and effort to build a connection with another without expecting any return. You must be willing to hurt so much that you can only lie on the bed incapacitated, only to finally bring yourself to sit down on a chair and start sobbing like a baby.
There are limits to my guides. I can help you minimise the chances of meeting bad actors or insecure people, but that’s all I can do.
Neither you nor I can ultimately control your chances of meeting someone who will love you for who you are.
That being said, don’t forget to look around you. Your family, your friends — haven’t you seen the look in their eyes when you laugh? Even acquaintances and strangers, when you catch up after a long while, or when they stop to do you a little favour for nothing in return. Love actually is all~ around~
Time to~ Say Goodbye~
Ah, we’ve finally come to the chronological end of this series (but you never know!). What a wild ride it’s been! So much debauchery and so many epiphanies!
True to the # of this guide, I met six men from Hinge. Every one of them taught me something that I’d like to thank them for:
- #1 (Gang Member) — for showing me new perspectives on love
- #2 (Still Waters) — for showing me the limits of love
- #3 (Sweetheart) — for showing me when love is and isn’t enough
- #4 (Captain) — for showing me what love feels like
- #5 (Just Guy #5, sorry) — for showing me what love isn’t
- #6 (My Husband) — for showing me what it means to love and be loved completely.
Special mention for baby d and Grab Extraordinaire. It’s a pity — I mean it — but somehow I accept that it was meant to be this way. It is what it is. And Little Tiger — Nando’s soon!
I will remember the love I had for you, always, always.
in this series: #1 (#1.5) | #2 | #3 (#3.5) | #4 | #5 (#5.5) | #6 | #7 (#7.5)
baby g’s diary 