in this series: #1 (#1.5) | #2 | #3 (#3.5) | #4 | #5 (#5.5) | #6 | #7 (#7.5)
i am cursed to be a woman; i am cursed to feel. the problem is that i struggle to determine who really wants me for who i am before i fall. elite men or otherwise, it is undeniable that i am only a body to some of them. i fear the proportion is higher than i wish it is. […]
but my femininity is not a weakness, it is a strength.
to my friends, and for my fans now
Welcome back to Gwyn’s Guide to Hyperoptimised Dating, where dating (and love) is a numbers game — and we hack it to hell.
Oh, following feedback from a fan yesterday on post #1 (sex and love), I wanted to take this space to add something before we proceed. They raised a good point that some men need time to get to know you better before they decide if you’re the one for them. If you bypass the pre-sex courtship, then, it is likelier that the man might develop feelings for you and get “sucked in” (verbatim quote, poor men!). Therefore, you lose the bucket of fence-sitters if you sleep with them early on.
It’s a fair point and I don’t disagree. My answer is that this boils down to personal preference: are you willing to give the fence-sitters a chance? I’ve met men who knew I was the one for them — at least, at that point — from the first time we met, and they were willing to show me from the start. Do I want to settle for anything less? I don’t think so.
In Part 2, on special request by a sweetheart, we will discuss signs of interest and when to disqualify.
I hope the psychopaths who want me don’t read this, or I have to wrack my brain to discover new and innovative ways to determine if men are interested in me (beyond my body). GOD!
I would say it all boils down to a gut feeling, but I thought that one of them I met was the one and that went down the drain real quick. So out with the vibes, out with the delusions, babygirls. At least I caught myself instantly this time — clearly, the compartmentalisation practice is working out.
We look only at actions hereon.
What’s in a Date?
With shock and surprise, I realised retroactively that men (and women) who are genuinely interested in you will want to partake in your hobbies. Groundbreaking indeed.
As you all know, it’s Jazz in July, and I initially began only intending to find cute boys to go to jazz concerts with (before I got sidetracked by hot men… thank you, Jesus…).
There were, broadly speaking, only two types of responses I received:
- I don’t know much about jazz, but I’d love to try if you’re willing to have me 🙂
- I don’t like jazz; can we do something else?
How interesting, right? Now, you can argue that the second type of man simply knows what he wants. That’s okay. I love men who are honest and have opinions. However, note that there is less acquiescence on his part compared to the first response type. If you bring it to the logical maximum it suggests that he is less interested in what you like as opposed to what he likes.
It is not about what we actually do. It is about how we get there.
Still, one date is poor sample sizing; there is nothing to interpolate from. Yet we must do our best because we are hyperoptimising.
Hence, we look at what we do on the second date (if there is one).
When planning the date together, did they ask what you’d like to do? Are they at least suggesting things that meet in the middle for both of you?
During the date, are they asking about you? What do you like, babygirl? What do you want in life? Where are you going? What are your fears? What do you look for in a partner? …How can I love you in the best way I can?
Or are they talking about themselves incessantly?
Texting, Yapping, Quality Time, Whatever You Like
Again, being kind and giving the benefit of the doubt, a relationship is meant to be founded on compromises. One guy mentioned we could go to a jazz bar, which was nice enough of him.
Unfortunately, he proceeded to text me remarkably inconsistently, so I figured he liked someone else more, dropped him, and bumped up my next favourite (possibly one of my top 10 decisions this year). It’s a pity (I exaggerate) because his face card was fantastic, but more importantly, I knew he could love — he still has pictures of his ex from years ago on his Instagram! (He orbits me, by the way. If you’re here, hi.)
The above is an example of a universal truth. If they wanted you, they would text you. NOBODY IS THAT BUSY THAT THEY CANNOT TEXT YOU. DO NOT MAKE EXCUSES FOR THEM! Additionally, the critical element distinguishing an excellent communicator (look out for it) is that if they were really busy, they would take the initiative to explain why. An exemplar:
Hey babygirl, I’m so sorry for my delayed responses as I’ve been swamped with work. Still, please feel free to text me whenever, and I’ll do my best to get back to you whenever I can. Love you lots x
It really is that simple. If you don’t have the physical bandwidth to write that, then bloody hell, just copy the text above and send it to the person you care about. My god! Do I have to say this!
People who love you will always set aside time for you.
They will not ghost you. I hate that term; I hate them all. I was so ready to love you for who you are, and this is what you thought I deserved in return. Not even an explanation, but nothing at all. It’s fine though — as the Stoics say, we are entitled to nothing from other people; to have expectations of others is futile. To give yourself to someone fully, you must expect nothing in return. And we must let go; we must return things as they are to make room for more, for better.
Your room has limited space. Do not give chances to people who do not cherish your attention. In the game of hyperoptimised dating, you only have one shot, and you’d better make the best of it.
So, love boils down to a war of attrition, I guess. He who persists wins.
Don’t turn around and change your mind; we don’t have time for that.
Sigh. I have once again written too much. But here’s the devastating kicker: if they liked you, you wouldn’t need to worry about these at all.
They would do all of it in the first place because you’re worth it to them.
And that’s what makes me sad.
Bonus: A Love Letter to My Orbiters
If you didn’t know, orbiters are people who do not reply your texts but watch your stories anyway. I categorise them into two types: malicious or stupid orbiters. But that’s a discussion for another time.
Processing orbiters is as easy as 123. If they can watch your stories, they have time to text you. Therefore, if they do not text you, they are just not that into you. Thank you. Mute their stories and go and talk to someone else who will be happy for your love and attention. But I’m not complaining; the orbiter class of men is my guilty pleasure (I mute orbiters who matter to me from watching my stories). Ultimately, every orbiter is a fan, and I adore my fans.
But that’s all you’ll ever be. If you’re happy with that, I’ll be happy for you too.
P/S: I’m not a saint. I make mistakes too. I yap too much, and I’m too emotionally volatile (apparently). Sometimes I inadvertently hurt people. So if you want something from me, tell me, babygirl, tell me now.
I’ll give it to you, because you’re worth it.
And so we end, before I go:
i’ll find a life partner eventually. but the love of my life — it’s me. and it’s you guys, my friends, who accept me completely as i am.
to my friends, and for my fans now (cont.)
Love you lots, always. x
in this series: #1 (#1.5) | #2 | #3 (#3.5) | #4 | #5 (#5.5) | #6 | #7 (#7.5)
baby g’s diary 