gwyn’s guide to hyperoptimised dating, #1 (sex and love)

Posted on by gwynethtyt

in this series: #1 (#1.5) | #2 | #3 (#3.5) | #4 | #5 (#5.5) | #6 | #7 (#7.5)

Alternate title: Hoe Justifications for Divine Babygirls

Dear fans. Welcome to Gwyn’s Guide to Hyperoptimised Dating, where dating (and love) is a numbers game — and we hack it to hell.

Caveat emptor: I write referring to heterosexual monogamous relationships because that’s all I’ve been exposed to, though there are some universal truths for sure — I just don’t know which ones. The gay or queer subculture might run on a different rule system. Everything is personal speculation backed up by anecdotal observations only. (But I think I’m pretty good at what I do, or at least I enjoy thinking about this topic a lot.)

In the first part of this ongoing series (it’s gonna be so fun!), we start with love and sex.

If you want to beat men in their game, you must play according to their rules and turn it against them. Know thy enemy and win the war, my babygirls.

On Sex and Love

The first man I met (hi, gang member) told me sagely:

Men do not sleep with women they are interested in on the first date.

I agree with this, maybe, but I have something to say about it. So, let’s break it down.

Men are better able to separate sex from love than women, in general. By and large (but not always), women sleep with men they would like to commit to.

Conversely, men can sleep with any woman as long as they find her sexually attractive — their desire to commit is irrelevant. Another man told me something along the lines of “I’m not really sure about you… so if you don’t want to sleep with me, it’s fine; I don’t want to confuse you emotionally”. I was impressed, but there’s something bigger at play here: (secure) men know the significance of sex to a woman. No knowledge and emotional intelligence in the world, however, will stop them from wanting to sleep with you anyway.

This is not to say that ALL men are merely raging boners or sex-driven machines where love is always a means to an end for them. Love is always an end in itself (but so is sex). Even the most jaded of men want love, and if they genuinely love a woman, they cannot disentangle sex from love — you can’t fight evolutionary instinct. Some men, albeit proportionally less than women, do not enjoy casual sex (one of my pet hypotheses: they’re usually vanilla on the BDSM test, which you should totally do). But the elite players are very good at compartmentalising the two.

Anyhoo, the law of large numbers outcome is that overall, women who sleep with men tend to be more emotionally invested in a potential relationship that the men do not necessarily reciprocate.

Strategy Time

There are two strategies to resolve this inherent problem of gendered expectations. I posit that Strategy #2 is more efficient and maximalist, but only if you’re willing to go all out AND do the emotional work. In summary, it’s because you’ll know a lot faster whether he actually likes you for who you are beyond your sex appeal. And you get to enjoy the devil’s tango, of course, god bless us all.

  • STRATEGY #1: Do not sleep with a man you like until you’re absolutely certain he wants you. This is the default strategy for most women. This means you have sex only after some period of “sexual tension courtship”, which can be however long you want. Some people determine the event that marks the end of this phase as marriage. (Minor digression: this concept of no sex before marriage is anathema to me, like if you attacked a devil with a cross. What if, on your first night, you realise the two of you are sexually incompatible in bed??? You are now legally bound sexually to this person!!! Wait — is that an argument that I hear — that you can find out by doing everything else aside from actual intercourse? Hahahaha… do I have news for you, babygirl…)
  • STRATEGY #2: Sleep with a man you like before knowing whether he wants you as a person or not. Discard whatever he says he feels about you. It does not matter; you do not care. This means that the “sexual tension courtship” period is virtually eliminated.

So why is Strategy #2 superior? Let us begin. You will never know for sure if a man wants you until you sleep with him. They can do their best to pretend otherwise, but sex generally is important to men unless they fall into the niche subcategory of men who have convinced themselves it’s a sacred thing (I can’t comment more as I am allergic to them, but good for their wives, I guess). In short, men want sex.

But the corollary is actually the critical element: when you sleep with a man, you are eliminating the doubt that he wants you only for your body. Because if he stays with you after he’s gotten what he wanted — you can be certain that he sees you as something more.

By way of a concrete example: let’s say you have hot twins, Amy and Betty. Amy subscribes to Strategy #1 and Betty subscribes to Strategy #2. Both of them have 100 suitors, 50% of which are only out for sex and the remaining 50% out for love (and sex). Over the same period of time, Betty will suss out the 50% out for love a lot faster than Amy can because the latter has to spend time engaging in the motions of pre-sex courtship. And now that Betty knows who actually likes her for who she is, it’s easier for her to find the One. And she gets great sex once in a while. (Second digression: to be good at sex, which is never a disadvantage in conquering men, you must have a lot of sex.)

If, like me, you subscribe to Strategy #2, the benefits are great, but so are the emotional ups and downs. Like I said, it’s all hyperoptimised — dating on hyperdrive. You have sex earlier, determine their real intentions earlier, and eliminate potential prospects faster; in other words, the refractory period is shorter, haha. But two things remain unchanged: the amount of love you give and the inevitable emotional turmoil that comes with a severed connection. It’s going to hurt, and it’s going to hurt often. It boils down to whether you believe the frequency of emotional turmoil is worth it. I believe it is — if it means I’ll find the one for me earlier, so I have more time to spend with him for the rest of my life. As they say, you can’t achieve great things without risk. (And yes, I am very serious — I have eliminated a man in three days and am on track to dropping another one by tomorrow night.)

A final note on sex: do what you like la. But my rationale is that a steak can look amazing when presented to you, but you’ll never know how it tastes until you’ve chomped on it. And in life, we don’t go to restaurants to stare at steak. But of course, you have to like steak in the first place, which (1) you’ll never know unless you try, and (2) by the way, many people enjoy steak — haha!

As always, may you find the love you deserve. There’s someone out there for you, whether you have sex with them before marriage or not. LOL

Some ideas for subsequent posts (feel free to recommend)

Come on, let’s go!

in this series: #1 (#1.5) | #2 | #3 (#3.5) | #4 | #5 (#5.5) | #6 | #7 (#7.5)

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