25

I am turning 26 in two weeks. This piece attempts to reconcile the first phase of my life before I confront the vagaries of “real adulthood”. Singaporean-wise that means procuring a job and a house and getting married… all prospects that leave my bones trembling. But I digress.

I brazenly consider this as timeless advice from me to myself. I would tell this to my 20-year-old self, but I know my 30-year-old self would appreciate it (I’ll get back in 5 years on this). I hope anyone reading this enjoys it, too.

Organised in sections, pithy one-liners, and pointers for elaboration. Saved the best for last.

Optional song to read with (Jason LaPierre – All In My Head).

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Self-acceptance

Accept that you will fail — all the time, without exception.

• The things you are bad at, but more crucially, the things you are good at. Because making mistakes is one of the best ways to learn and improve.
• You just have to keep trying and pick yourself up. Trying again (in a smarter way) is the only way you will get better.

Focus on your own progress.

• IU wrote Palette at 25. I am writing this, HAHA. That’s okay. Everyone has their own value to contribute to the world. Even a small value may be significant (p < .05).
• Don’t bother trying to emulate so-and-so successful person’s generic qualities. Focus on your spike – your unique combination of skills and interests that make you stand out.

Distinguish between what you’re doing because you want to and what you’re doing because you feel like you have to.

• I used to think that my life was set and all I had to do was work towards a rigid set of predetermined goals. On reflection, it was because of my presumption that society thought it was good, so I assumed it would be good for me. It didn’t make me happy. It won’t make you happy either.
• Reality is a mix of both. It is unrealistic to expect to pursue only what you are passionate about. There are oftentimes “have-tos” that seem like the best option for growth at the time, and it may not be what we love. But that’s fine as long as you recognise that and resist the allure of introjection, where you confuse others’ expectations for you with your own desires.

Relationships

Give because you want to and not because you expect something in return.

• Consider any effort you put in for someone/something else as a gift from the goodness of your heart; don’t expect it back. If it does come back, treat it as a surprise.
• I lived by this philosophy that everything is inherently transactional and people are only interested in others insofar as they are useful to one another. I still see evidence of that, but I have also realised that operating on an expect-returns basis is inane.
• This includes lending anyone money: consider it gone by default and equivalent to the price of the relationship if it’s never repaid. Never give more to someone than you’re willing to lose, no matter how close they are, especially if they are close to you.
• Treat a kind deed received as a pleasant surprise – a sign of good in the world. Just as you are willing to give for the sake of it, there will be someone out there who is the same. Cherish those people and those moments when it happens.
• The inverse: you don’t have to give 100% to everyone or everything. Neither do you have to give if you don’t want to. And even if you’re willing to give someone everything, they might just call you silly. It is what it is.

Pick your battles wisely.

• Don’t burn your bridges; you might need them later. That could mean holding your tongue and holding out for the future. Does that mean being two-faced? No — you can disagree with someone but maintain perfectly cordial relations with them and refrain from ad hominem attacks (you always can report facts about them… defamation suits don’t cover those).
• And so what if we gossip about each other? Life is too short to waste on irrelevant people or haters. It is far easier to be a hater than a hated person because the latter requires you to achieve something that makes you powerful, relevant, and therefore threatening. You’re leagues ahead just by virtue of that fact. Let them talk the house down while you focus on doing your work. If they cared enough to do something, they would.
• Don’t be a social justice warrior — don’t fight for people who don’t want to be fought for. At most, lay the groundwork and leave the action to them. But I would go as far as to say that that first step is not even worth your time. There are so many better ways you can spend it. Go pursue a passion project, or send your friends and family a loving text instead. Not everyone is worth it. If you feel that someone is still worth fighting for despite their evident reluctance to participate, perhaps you care about the cause more than the person. All of which suggests that your purpose is selfishly motivated. Having a personal agenda is fine, but leave others out of it.
• If someone complains about X problem to you and you identify that something can be done about it, the onus shouldn’t be on you to take action — it should be that someone if they want to. Sure, you can offer advice if solicited. But if they don’t want to act on it, that’s their problem, never yours. As the psychologist joke goes: “How many therapists does it take to change a lightbulb? One, but only if the lightbulb wants to.”

If you want power, you must bear its consequences — both the good and the bad.

• Awards and positions don’t mean anything if you lack the ability to back them up (c.f. ex-POTUS, Donald Trump)

Problem-solving

Most problems can be solved by doing the following:

• Taking the next action on it (thanks, Getting Things Done!)
• Asking for help on the next action if you don’t know what to do.
• Suppose you can’t apply the above rules. In that case, the issue is beyond your control, meaning there is nothing to worry about.
  • If you really care about the problem, improve your ability so that it becomes something within your zone of control.

Intensely personal (best for last)

My most personal opinion is one that has no evidence aside from anecdotal extrapolation and thereby the most debatable: I suspect people fundamentally don’t change, personality and motives-wise.

• I scoured through my old journals recently, and it’s striking how much I am chased by the same monsters in different costumes. And what kind of person you really are is only apparent in hindsight because we convince ourselves we are some kind of person (biased by our ideals), but our past actions tell the truth.
• I used to think I preferred to be loved more. I realise now that I have always wanted to love more, and I would light myself on fire over it. How silly indeed.
• 16Personalities would always say I was a thinker. Yeah nonsense. I’m a feeler. All the major decisions in my life have been made on whims and desires (how privileged… how incandescently lovely). Then again, that test is not known for its reliability. Don’t bother with it. Keep a journal instead.

Bonus: Life is a culmination of decisions made in a split-second… some of which will alter your trajectory forever. And you’ll never be fully prepared for those.

• That’s okay. Feel your feelings. Forgive yourself. You’re all that you’ll ever have.

To my 30-year-old self: I love you. I accept you completely. I hope you’re happy, wherever you are.